10 Ways to Know He’s “The One”

First off, I promise this post is not as juvenile & inane as the title implies. Obviously relationships are not something one can approach with a “check-list” in hand. At least not exactly. Anyhow . . .

Tonight my husband & I were lying in bed & I started laughing about something. I don’t remember what it was, but my husband responded by telling me I have “an unsophisticated, semi-masculine laugh,” “kind of a barroom laugh.” He proceeded to say that after he hears me laugh he half expects me to follow it up with “Hey, ya want another beer?” or “You wanna go fishing?” This is not because these are things I actually say (I’ve only been fishing once in my whole life, for the record) but simply because of how my laugh sounds. He went on to clarify that he actually loves my laugh because high-pitched ultra-feminine laughs annoy him.

A lot of wives probably wouldn’t be too fond of this scenario but my response was to laugh uncontrollably for about 5 minutes straight because I found the whole thing so damn hilarious. This situation prompted me to think about how much I love our relationship & the brutal honesty we’ve always had with each other. We’ve been together for over 10 years now (married for almost 3 years), but even when we were just teenagers we were always blatantly honest with each other. It is one of the greatest building blocks of our relationship & I can’t imagine it any other way. The fact that we felt so comfortable with each other so quickly & seemed to know almost instantly that we COULD be so honest with each other was, I believe, one of the main reasons we were attracted to each other & how we knew, even at a very young age, that we were onto something special.

Quite often in life people have asked me “How do you know if he (or she) is the one?” Obviously there is no REAL answer to that question as it’s not something that can be objectively or scientifically measured. But if there is an answer it’s probably something like this: When you’re comfortable enough with someone to be 100% honest with him & can tease each other incessantly & have fun doing even the most mundane things, well, maybe then he (or she) is the one. Or maybe there is no “one” person but a range of people who could be right for you. But when you find one of those people, hold on because it’s so worth it. (You can read more about this idea here: https://athicketofmusingsblog.com/2014/01/24/10-ways-to-simplify-relationships/)

This leads me to my next point. A common theme I hear today is that relationships grow stale over time. The passion dies out, real life wears people down, chemistry fizzles, & divorce or break-up begin to seem inevitable. While this is certainly a realistic picture of how many relationships work, I don’t believe it HAS to be this way. If you have the raw ingredients right, I think people can be in love & keep up the passion & chemistry for a life-time. (I’ve seen it done.)

I haven’t lived that life-time yet, so I make no claim to be some kind of relationship guru or genius. But I will say that after over a decade together my husband & I are still very much in love. Yes, our relationship may be a bit more predictable now, but a lot of that is just due to growing up & getting older. But the passion isn’t gone. The chemistry is still there. We can still tease each other about our respective “faults:” my big forehead, his gigantic skull; my unsophisticated laugh, his countrified way of saying certain words (ok that last one applies to me too but for different words). And we can still make each other laugh over & over again.

Trust me, we do fight. But I firmly believe that it’s healthy to fight, as long as you know how & when to make up. I’ve said it before & I’ll say it again: getting married doesn’t mean you turn in your humanity. If you love someone, & especially if you live with them, you will fight occasionally. That is just human nature & it’s no big deal. Consider that you have probably fought with any previous roommates you’ve had, be they siblings or college friends, because any two (or more) people who live together long enough will eventually get on each other’s nerves at times. Some fights will be about really stupid mundane things like why one of you left a bunch of dirty dishes in the sink. And some will be over more legitimate issues. It’s just life. I’ve always felt that if I couldn’t argue passionately with someone I couldn’t be passionate with them in any other ways either.

I don’t know why I’m writing this tonight. Honestly my mind has been filled with all kinds of ideas lately & relationships have not been among those ideas at all. But this is what came to mind tonight & for some reason I felt compelled to write it. I feel so incredibly blessed to have met my life partner at such a young age & to have somehow managed to stay with him all these years, through high school & college & now into young adulthood. I don’t want to sound like I’m bragging because I’m not. I just want to give people hope that love really can last a long time. And despite a lot of portrayals in the media to the contrary, relationships really can stay interesting over time.

I have no idea how kids might affect our relationship & to be honest that is one reason I’m inclined to hold off on parenthood for quite a while longer. I know everyone tells me “you’ll never be truly ready to be a mom” & I know they’re right. Anyway, I’m straying from the point. I’m not even sure exactly what my point is here but maybe it goes something like this: Every person is different so naturally every relationship is different. Thus there is no ONE prescription for success in relationships or marriage & no 100% sure-fire way to know when you’ve met “the one.”

But here are a few good pointers:

When he calls you beautiful AND sexy
When he kisses you on the lips AND the forehead
When he thinks you’re as gorgeous when you first wake up as when you’re all dressed up & ready to go out on a date (Or better yet when going out on a date means just staying home together)
When you can discuss anything & everything together & never feel uncomfortable or embarrassed. And when you can be together & say absolutely nothing at all & be comfortable with that too.
When even the most mundane things like grocery shopping become fun just because you’re doing them together
When he can tell you your outfit is atrocious & you can laugh, thank him for his input, & continue to wear it proudly (This scenario applies in reverse too (me to him), for the record.)
When you realize that you will never be 100% CERTAIN that he’s “the one” & that you’ll never REALLY KNOW if you’ll live the perennial “happily ever after,” but you’re willing to take the chance anyway
When he supports your dreams & goals in life & pushes you to be the best you can be at everything you do
When he values your brain as much as your body & your body as much as your brain
When he calls your laugh unsophisticated & semi-masculine & you find this truly hilarious because you know he is probably right & you’re so glad he loves you for this silly trait 🙂

That’s all, folks. I realize this isn’t my most profound or articulate post ever. Nonetheless I hope the sincerity behind my words has translated to you tonight & perhaps made you laugh somewhere along the way as well.

*P.S. I think you could replace he with she in the above list & they would still apply.

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Why 30 Is Not the New 20

I originally wrote this post in May of last year but I was re-reading it last night & realized how relevant it still is, so I thought I’d share it here where it might garner a larger audience. Additionally I’ve added in a few new thoughts here & there.

This morning I logged onto Facebook & saw that one of my friends had posted a link to a Ted talk by a psychologist named Meg Jay. The topic of the talk was “Why 30 Is Not the New 20.” Intrigued, I clicked the link, saw that it was a 14 minute video, & almost said “Nah, not worth my time.” Thankfully I decided to give it a listen because it turned out to be one of the most motivational talks I have ever heard. In fact I loved her message so much that I found myself taking notes so that I could summarize it & share it with my friends, some of whom might be more inclined to read a synopsis rather than watch the video. Below I have listed Meg’s three main points & described them as best as I can, inserting my own thoughts here & there. Anything in quotes is directly from Meg’s talk.

1. “Forget about having an identity crisis & invest in identity capital.” Kind of like good deeds beget good deeds, “identity capital begets identity capital.” Identity capital is something that defines you & helps you accomplish the career, dream, or goal you want to achieve. Identity capital can be volunteering in your community, taking on a challenging internship, going back to school, or a million other things. The point is that if you want to achieve your goals in life (which by the way you SHOULD have actual goals), you HAVE to take specific steps to make them happen. Nobody becomes a doctor or a rock star or an NFL player just by talent or luck. Every dream takes hard work & intentional steps to make it a reality. Small steps, no matter how inconsequential they may seem, are better than doing nothing at all & ending up in your 40’s or 50’s & wondering “what if?”

(Since writing this original post, I’ve taken the step of starting this blog so I can chase my dream of becoming a writer someday.)

2. Don’t limit your circle of friends to people just like you. New jobs & opportunities & even significant others can be met through “weak ties.” Don’t be afraid to introduce yourself to your friends’ parents or your neighbors or to hang out with people of a different generation. Quite often you can learn a lot from these people & you just never know where that crucial connection will be made. If you only hang around people of your own age & social “class,” for lack of a better term, you will never challenge yourself & may very well end up stuck in the same old rut forever.

I know I met some of my best friends in college through other lesser friends or just by saying hi to someone who sat near me in class. Additionally some of my best friends in Raleigh are 30 years older than me, but I feel as close to them as I do to many of my friends my own age.

3. Here’s the one that resonates the most with me. “The time to start picking your family is now.” It has often been said “You can’t choose your family but you can choose your friends.” As a child & teenager this is true. But when you become an adult you DO choose your family. In modern America anyway, we no longer have arranged marriages so, yes, we actually DO have the privilege & responsibility of choosing our own families. How awesome is that? Just remember, “grabbing whoever you’re living with or sleeping with at the time just because everyone on Facebook is walking down the aisle is NOT progress.” “The best time to start working on your marriage is before you have one. Be as intentional with love as you are with work.” Don’t just “make it work or kill time” with whoever happens to be there at the time. It has been said that “love in your 20’s is often like musical chairs, & when people hit 30 it seems like everyone is sitting down (read: settling down) so people just sit down with (read: marry) whatever ‘chair’ happens to be there at the moment. WRONG!!”

I know I may have little room to talk since I have no idea what it is like to be 30 & single but common sense dictates that this is a bad idea. So many girls (& guys) in their 20’s say “Well, no, I wouldn’t marry this person I’m dating right now but this relationship doesn’t count. I’m only in my 20’s. I’m nowhere near ready to settle down.” On the surface this sounds ok but you have to realize that the patterns you are setting ARE patterns. If you get in a habit of “just settling” for whoever happens to be around, how will you ever know when you really meet “the one?” Consider that by cheapening your own standards, you may also cheapen yourself. I hate to sound like an old fart, but it’s true. This goes for both sexes, so don’t think I’m just talking to the ladies here. Additionally, the behavior you put up with is the behavior you will get. As I mentioned in my blog post last week, one of my favorite books, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, eloquently puts it like this: “We accept the love we think we deserve.” If you accept bad behavior from yourself or others for long enough, it will become your norm & you won’t even realize you’re being mistreated. If you truly want a serious relationship, have enough self-respect not to spend the most valuable thing you have, your time, on someone who doesn’t really care about you (or who you don’t even really care about). After all none of us is promised tomorrow. There is no guarantee any of us will make it to 30 or 40 or 80. Thus, there is truly no such thing as “throwaway” years.

My wedding bouquet & our rings
Triskay Photography

To further expound on this point, may I interject a few personal stories & say that walking down the aisle in a fancy dress & saying “I do” does NOT change anything. If you have serious problems in your relationship before you’re married, surprise, surprise: they do NOT just disappear. Now I know from experience that in the weeks leading up to our wedding, my husband & I fought a lot more than usual because we were both stressed & worried about the wedding, not so much the marriage itself but just the wedding day. Neither of us likes being the center of attention & we just had no idea what to expect because neither of us had even been to a wedding for almost four years, much less been closely involved with planning a wedding. The whole experience was new to us so of course it was stressful, & naturally there were times when we took it out on each other. However, as soon as the wedding was over, those fights disappeared because that source of stress was gone. But the little every-day things that we do that annoy each other didn’t suddenly go away. Of course not. People don’t change just because there are rings on their fingers. Duh. But we were very happy together & very committed to each other long before we were actually married so very little really changed after we got married. And that is how we wanted it. (In my mind you should have a marriage-like relationship before getting married or else you probably shouldn’t be making that kind of serious commitment anyway. Just my opinion, I know, but I think there’s some wisdom behind it.)

The only major changes in our relationship after marriage were due to life events that really had nothing to do with being married. First we had to deal with my brand new nursing career which was certainly stressful; then when I finally felt like I was on top of my game with that, my husband finished his master’s degree & we decided to move to a new state & into an urban environment with a totally different culture than anything we’d ever experienced. A week after we moved, I started my new job which was pretty challenging at times, & then my husband was unemployed for four months while he searched for a job. He finally got his dream job & very shortly afterward we decided to buy a house. Now THAT was a stressful experience but one we’re very glad we endured. Throughout this past year we have also lost quite a few loved ones including my husband’s two remaining grandparents & a special uncle of mine.

Overall, most of the changes in our lives in the past two years since we got married, especially in the past year, have been good things, but change is still stressful, no matter what it is. I don’t know that being married has necessarily made these changes easier or more difficult but if we’d had serious relationship problems, whether married or not, we likely wouldn’t have made it through all these things. The point of all this is, just because all your friends are getting married or you start thinking about having a family, don’t just settle when it comes to choosing a partner & potential father/mother of your future kids. Whether you end up getting married or just deciding to be life partners without the formal marriage designation (which, by the way, I really don’t think is a bad thing), you are going to face a lot of challenges & changes in life, & you definitely need to be with the right person or it’s going to be hell. I can’t imagine marrying someone who wasn’t my best friend.

Listening to Meg’s talk made me realize how proud I am of myself for making such good use of my 20’s, what she calls quite accurately “the defining decade.” I know a lot of my success is rooted in having great parents who pushed me to do well in school, have a successful career, & always do my best at everything I attempt in life. I also know that to a certain extent I got “lucky” in meeting my husband at such a young age & by getting a full scholarship to college. But I didn’t get that scholarship without working really hard in high school to qualify for it, & I certainly didn’t graduate college with a 4.0 by just being smart. I worked my butt off for that. (Sometimes I wish I’d focused less on grades but that’s a post for another day.) My husband and I also haven’t maintained our relationship over all these years without a lot of effort from both of us. I love the fact that our relationship has always felt so natural, not at all forced, but at the same time life is hard & relationships are work at times. You get out of life what you put into it & the same is true for relationships of course. So, yes, I have a lot of people to thank for contributing to my success in life, but I also know that a lot of it is due to the decisions I have made. Life IS what you make it & I’m very proud of myself for being a mid 20’s RN, wife, & homeowner. I do NOT mean to imply that you aren’t successful if you don’t have a great career, aren’t married, or don’t own a house at this point in your life. OF COURSE NOT. Everyone’s timeline is different, as well it should be. But I do encourage everyone who is in their 20’s to make good use of this time in your life. Don’t wait till you’re 30 to be serious about chasing your dreams & start making good decisions.

I am also proud to say that when I think about my close friends, they are all making good use of their 20’s also. Some of them have accomplished amazing things that I can’t imagine ever doing. Wow, I really know some awesome people who inspire me daily. You guys know who you are & you rock!

If this came off as preachy or condescending, forgive me. That is not how I meant it at all. I’ve just talked about my own experiences because that is all I have to go on. I found this talk so inspiring & I wanted to share it with my friends so that you too may be inspired to make good use of your 20’s (or whatever decade you’re in). It’s never too late to chase your dreams, but it’s a whole lot easier if you start young.

Here’s the link to Meg’s talk if you want to listen to it: http://www.ted.com/talks/meg_jay_why_30_is_not_the_new_20.html?source=facebook#.UaLw1lonQoU.facebook

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10 Ways to Simplify Relationships

Perhaps it’s because my husband is traveling for his job but I’ve spent a lot of time this week thinking about relationships & how people tend to make them way more complicated than they need to be. May I be the first to admit this includes myself sometimes, lest I should sound like I’m implying that I’m some kind of relationship guru which I clearly am not? I’m not even sure such a thing exists. Anyhow, I’ve been slacking off on my blog posts this week, which might seem like a sign that I’ve run out of ideas, but what it actually means is that I’ve been overwhelmed by ideas, yet haven’t been able to light on any of them. In any case I’ve decided to compile a list of ways to simplify relationships & thus simplify life. Here we go.

http://projectsakinah.org/Family-Violence/Healthy-Relationships

Be honest about what you want out of a relationship from the very beginning. If you want a friends with benefits type of arrangement, say so. If someone tells you that’s what they want & you aren’t truly in agreement, for the love of YOURSELF, say so. Don’t pretend to be ok with something you aren’t & then be surprised when it doesn’t work out later. On the other hand if you’re serious about a relationship, say so. I’m not advocating proposing marriage on a first date, but don’t be afraid to say you’re serious. And don’t be afraid to say no to someone who is serious about you if you truly don’t reciprocate. Again, pretending never ends well. Have enough self-respect to be honest about your feelings & goals from square one. This leads right into number two.
Give respect. Get respect. It really is that simple. Don’t play mind games with anyone. Don’t “test” someone by asking to spend time with an ex or some childish prank like that, just to see how they react. Just be forthright and respectful. Treat the other person the way you want to be treated. Don’t expect special treatment because of your gender or anything else. Be an adult.
Don’t place unrealistic expectations on your partner (or yourself). Getting married or being in any serious relationship doesn’t mean you sign away your humanity. Regardless of your gender, you will inevitably still be attracted to other people, & that doesn’t lessen the love you feel for your partner. It’s just part of being a human being. Just be cognizant of it & know your limits. Don’t be one of those childish people who expects their partner to suddenly think they are the only sexy person on planet Earth. That just screams of insecurity. Just let out all of your sexual energy on each other & you’ll be just fine.
Never stop getting to know your partner. After you’ve been together a long time, it’s so easy to think you’ve already figured someone out & to stop putting in the time to really understand each other because you think you already know it all. Trust me, I know. My husband & I had been together almost a decade by the time we got married. But I’m still pleasantly surprised to find out that we don’t know everything about each other. There is always more to learn & that’s part of what makes a relationship fun. As an addendum, if your relationship is right, marriage shouldn’t change things very much because the relationship was already there.
Don’t make someone a priority who doesn’t do the same for you. If a guy likes you, he WILL call you back. And vice versa. Someone who cares for you & respects you WILL make time for you, WILL get to know you, & will even make time for your friends & family because they know those people are important to you. They WILL support your dreams & goals in life & will in fact expect you to have dreams & goals.
Don’t over-analyze or make up excuses for bad behavior. If someone treats you poorly, do yourself the justice of walking away. The Perks of Being a Wallflower got it right: we accept the love we think we deserve. If you find that your partners are always treating you badly, think about what that says about how you view yourself. I’m not excusing bad behavior. I’m just saying don’t expect someone to change. If they really love you, they’ll treat you right from the beginning. Where’s the motivation to change for the better if you’re always there “rewarding” them even when they treat you like crap? Sorry if that’s blunt, but relationships can be messy. It’s all this silly beating around the bush nonsense that makes them so much more complicated than they need to be.
Realize that deep down we are all still pretty primal. This is why no matter how unfair it is women are judged much more harshly for their sexual decisions than men. Is it fair? No. But biologically it actually DOES make sense. (We’re the ones who can get pregnant so it makes sense that biologically we’d be inclined to be a bit more discriminating about our partners.) No matter how enlightened & empowered we are, we women ARE more sexually vulnerable whether we like it or not. This doesn’t excuse bad behavior on the part of men. No way. I’m not saying we can’t rise above our “animal instincts.” Men are perfectly capable of being committed & faithful, as are women. I’m just saying that we need to realize why men think the way they do & why women think the way they do.
This one is crucial but is really hard to put into words. Look for the guy or girl who is good in all the right ways & bad in all the right ways. I don’t know how to write this out, but you probably know what I mean. As with everything in life, it’s all about balance & moderation. James M Sama wrote a fabulous blog post about this idea, & there is no way I can say it as well as he did so I’m just going to leave you the link to his brilliant article: http://jamesmsama.wordpress.com/2013/06/11/the-difference-between-a-bad-boy-and-a-jerk/
Don’t feel the need to spend every single second together. A truly great relationship will give you the confidence to be alone sometimes. Or to be apart & know that things are still going to be ok. If your partner wants a day or two to spend with their friends or family without you, let them. Couples who really trust each other don’t feel the need to be together 24/7. You were a person before you met your partner & you’re still your own person even with them. Don’t forget that.
This one is a big one & might cause some controversy but I’m going to write it anyway because I truly believe it . . . Give up on the idea that there is only ONE RIGHT PERSON for you. The older I get the more I believe that there is a right TYPE for everyone & that you may very well meet several people in your life with whom you could be very happy in a relationship. Notice I didn’t say anyone will be PERFECT for you. There is no Mr. or Mrs. Perfect because human beings are inherently flawed. But there are plenty of great people out there, a few of whom might be wonderful matches for you. When you find one, be smart enough to go after them. When you’ve got one, hold onto them. Someone else may cross your path who might also be a great match but don’t ruin what you’ve already got on a chance at something else. I’m a big believer in science & logic so I wish I could say there was a scientific way to KNOW when you’ve met one of these RIGHT people, but there isn’t. You just know. I always remember hearing that as a kid & thinking it was ridiculous. But it’s so true. You know when you meet a friend & you just know right off that you really “click” & that this person is going to be a friend for life? It’s very much like that. As I’ve said many times before, relationships are really just friendships with a bit of amplification so to speak.

Well, I hope you have found this list intriguing. As I said, I’m no relationship guru or expert by any means. I’m just trying to spread a little logic & wisdom into the very chaotic world of relationships that exists in our society. I’m by no means 100% faithful to all of these tenets at all times, but I do try my best & in writing this I have renewed my devotion to putting these ideas into place in my own marriage. I hope perhaps you too have found a little inspiration. I truly believe simplifying relationships can actually make them deeper & more fulfilling. The simple life really is the best. Cheers!

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The Hardest Person to Forgive

Today’s blog post explores an idea that is certainly not original by any stretch of the imagination but it’s something I believe is very much worth exploring nonetheless. Regardless of what, if any, religious affiliation you associate with (or associated with in the past), we hear a lot of talk about the importance of forgiving others & not holding grudges or allowing ourselves to become bitter toward those who have hurt us. These ideas are of course very important because we cannot have peace in our own minds when we are not at peace with others, at least as much as is possible. As hard as it can be to forgive others, when given some thought I believe most people would agree that oftentimes the hardest person in life to forgive is yourself. Today I would like to explore why that might be and why it’s so important to learn to forgive ourselves no matter how difficult it can be at times.

If you have ever taken any kind of basic psychology course you probably discussed the well-recognized phenomenon in which victims of child, physical, or other types of abuse very often blame themselves for the abuse which they have suffered. At first glance this may seem extraordinary & impossible to believe. But delve a little deeper & one can reason that perhaps it is easier to believe that you made a mistake or somehow provoked the abuser to hurt you than to believe that someone, particularly a family member, romantic partner, or friend (indeed someone who should have been protecting you, not hurting you) actually CHOSE to hurt you & is thus truly a very screwed up individual. Rape victims often are also perfect examples of this phenomenon. Indeed society does a great deal of blaming the victim as well because frankly it is easier to believe that a woman (or man) provoked such a horrible thing to happen than to believe that there are such evil, disgusting people in this world. This of course only serves to perpetuate the cycle of victims blaming themselves & being unable to forgive themselves for something which in reality is not even their fault.

However, we certainly don’t have to be abuse or rape victims (actually, I don’t like that term; let’s say survivors) to struggle with self-forgiveness. How many times a day do most of us berate ourselves for not eating healthily enough, weighing too much, not saving enough money, or countless other things? I’m not saying these aren’t worthy goals, they surely are, but sometimes I think in our haste to berate ourselves for our poor decisions we actually hinder our own progress. Sometimes in our quest for perfection we miss the beauty of life that is right before our very eyes. Indeed, we focus so much on our mistakes that we have no energy left over for actual self-improvement.

One of the greatest lessons I think we all have to learn in life is that there are going to be days when we just don’t like ourselves because we simply aren’t as “perfect” we want to be. For example, as a nurse I know I have had to come to terms with the fact that I am not going to feel 100% compassion for every patient every time. Naturally I want to, but sometimes it just doesn’t happen because I am just as human as everyone else. And I have had to learn to forgive myself for this & to know that as long as it doesn’t prevent me from providing excellent care it’s ok. Learning to forgive myself for not being the perfect “angel of compassion” at all times actually helps me to more quickly recognize my own prejudices & then set them aside & provide the best care possible at all times. For example, when I have a particularly trying patient who is rude & dissatisfied with her care no matter how many times I bend over backwards to try to meet her needs, I have to remind myself that it’s ok to be annoyed with her. It’s ok to mentally roll my eyes at these things. I just have to possess the self-control to not allow these feelings to come across to the patient & to not allow those feelings to so overwhelm me that I become bitter & angry toward that patient or anyone else. I have to see beyond the annoying behaviors to the hurting person inside. Having come to these realizations has actually helped me to have greater satisfaction in my nursing career &, though I have no scientific way of validating it, I truly believe it has made me overall a more effective nurse.

I believe this idea is also very important for parents. Though I am not a parent yet I hope to be one someday, & I know when that day comes there will be times when I look at my children & wonder “What the hell was I thinking?!” And I will have to learn to forgive myself for those thoughts, to remember that every parent feels that way at times. AND IT’S OK. Similarly, in marriage or any serious relationship there are times when you look at your partner & wonder what you are doing with this person. AND THAT’S OK TOO. Being frustrated or upset with your partner or your child doesn’t make you a bad person. It just makes you a PERSON. The important thing is to be able to recognize these thoughts when they occur, handle them as objectively as possible (by that I mean not beating yourself up over them, just recognizing them for what they are: a sign of your own beautiful humanity), & moving on in the knowledge that as long as these thoughts don’t become the overall theme of your life, they’re not a big deal.

Another situation in which I believe we struggle with self-forgiveness is with regret. I feel fortunate to say I truly do not have a lot of regrets in my life, but I do struggle with forgiving myself for those few I do have. However, what I am slowly learning is that self-forgiveness is an absolutely vital step in preventing myself from repeating the same old mistakes.

I guess my point with this post is that I truly believe that we cannot move forward in life without self-forgiveness. As long as we wallow in guilt & self-hate we are stuck in a self-perpetuating negative cycle. Life would be a lot easier if we could just magically forgive ourselves (& others), but that’s just not the way life works. As with almost everything in life, self-forgiveness is a process. It’s an everyday event that requires conscious awareness & effort. I hope that as you’re reading this you don’t think I’m making excuses for bad behavior or encouraging you to not feel guilty for things that you know in your heart are wrong. Of course not. What I am saying is that we cannot truly improve ourselves without self-forgiveness. We hear so much in society about the importance of showing compassion to others & there’s no doubt that this is indeed most vital. But just as vital is showing compassion to yourself. There’s a fine line for sure between being compassionate toward yourself & making excuses for yourself. But the line is there & it’s our job as human beings to stay on the former side of it.

To be perfectly honest this post feels quite like word vomit to me at this point. There’s so much I want to say & the words just aren’t coming to me tonight. Though I have fumbled through the words, I hope the passion I feel for this matter has somehow come through & that at least one person who reads this will be encouraged to begin the process of self-forgiveness & moving toward a brighter tomorrow.

I’d love to hear what you think on this matter. Am I speaking to the wind or does any of this make sense?

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I’m a Cheap Date

I wrote this post last night & have been waffling back & forth about posting it because I am afraid it will sound too provocative when that isn’t how I mean it at all. But at the encouragement of a friend I am posting it anyway. I’ll admit I gave it a provocative title to attract more readers, & also because I frankly couldn’t think of a better title. I think I’m a decent writer but creating titles is a talent I seriously don’t have. Anyway, cheers!

I watched a movie tonight that made me realize something about myself: I’m a cheap date. Now let me expound on that a bit in case you think I mean this in the typical sense of the phrase. The movie was called Nice Guys Sleep Alone & focused on two 30ish adults in Louisville, KY who attempt to start dating each other but quickly realize that they are not interested in dating in the traditional sense of the word. In other words they want to be so much more than just friends & yet they want to be able to spend time together in ways that feel natural & not forced, much the way that friends do. As you might guess from the title of the film, the main male character has always been a “nice guy” & it’s often landed him in the infamous “friend zone.” (For the life of me I’ll never understand why so many girls go after bad guys & ignore nice ones, but that is a whole other blog post right there.) Because he is truly interested in a serious relationship with this woman he decides to take a friend’s advice & not be such a “nice guy” this time, thinking this will actually make her more attracted to him. So he shows up late for their first date, doesn’t bring flowers, & takes her to a local burger joint instead of a fancy restaurant. Not too surprisingly this sends the wrong message to the woman but because this is a movie naturally they eventually work things out.

What this movie made me realize is that I actually LIKE the idea of more “casual” dates in which you go out to “cheap” restaurants (if you know me, you know I’d much prefer a good burger to an expensive steak, sushi, or anything “fancy” ANY day of the week), wear regular clothes, & generally hang out the way friends do. These are the kind of dates my husband & I always had. (I suppose part of the reason for this is that we started dating when we were much too young to be able to go to expensive/fancy restaurants but that’s beside the point.) These are still the kind of “dates” we have if you can call them that when you’re married. And I love it. I hate going to fancy restaurants where you have to dress up (it’s not that I hate dressing up; it’s that I hate feeling like I HAVE to dress up just to gain admission somewhere). It just feels so forced, & I can never really relax when I have to wonder which fork I’m supposed to be using or if I’m even going to know what half the stuff on the menu actually is. (If that makes me unsophisticated, I’ll be the first to admit it.) I’d rather check out local hole-in-the-wall restaurants where I can wear jeans & a t-shirt & no make-up & not feel underdressed at all. I think the reason for this is that I crave intimacy in my relationships. Intimacy requires comfort & who can be comfortable in a black-tie setting? And I don’t just mean intimacy in the physical sense but in the emotional sense. Even in my friendships I don’t want to just talk about fashion, food, or other “superficial” things. I want to have deep conversations about the meaning of life, philosophy, religion, etc. Don’t get me wrong; I don’t mind less serious conversations but I crave the deeper kind most of all. This is why I will ALWAYS be more comfortable in one-on-one or small group settings than in large groups or big parties. I’ve strayed from the point a bit but what I’m trying to say is that I feel people are the most honest, genuine, & natural versions of themselves in casual settings. Additionally it implies a greater level of trust & comfort if you don’t feel the need to go on all the fancy traditional dates just to get to know someone.

[*Disclaimer: I’m not saying it’s wrong to go to expensive/fancy restaurants or to dress up for dates. I’m just saying this shouldn’t have to be the expectation for everyone & doing something “less” shouldn’t be immediately deemed suspect.]

I think part of the reason modern society is so confused about relationships is that we focus so much on dating when really we should be focusing on building relationships based on friendship & companionship. It’s only natural to me that romance can blossom from such relationships. I really can’t imagine it any other way. I’ve always said any man with $20 can buy me flowers. And any man with a couple hundred dollars can buy me nice jewelry. Those things really take very little thought or effort at all. The most valuable gift any of us can give another is time because it’s the one thing we can never get back.

So, ladies & gentleman, if you want to show someone you care, spend time with them. Invest in their life. Get to know them. If a person is worth knowing they won’t insist you spend $100 on dinner every time you want to hang out. At least that’s what I believe. And if that makes me a cheap date, so be it.

**If you’re wondering why I included a picture of Nick & Jess from New Girl it’s because they are my favorite TV/movie couple ever, the reason being that they are so natural together. They were friends first who in the process of becoming friends also fell in love. I strongly believe this is how the best, most lasting relationships start & it’s so rare to see that portrayed so well in popular media. Hence my obsession with this show. (The fact that they’re both super cute doesn’t hurt either, ha!)

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The “Aha!” Moment: I Finally Understand Myself!

Today a friend of mine from nursing school posted a link to a personality test on her Facebook. I’ve always been intrigued by personality tests, though quite often they seem to be mostly crock. However, this one appeared pretty legitimate (it’s quite famous actually; I had just never taken it before) so I decided to take the test. The resulting description inspired quite an “Aha!” moment for me. Never has a personality test described me so accurately as this one! I want to share this because I really feel like reading this is helping me to understand myself & to focus on the positive aspects of my personality, & I believe it could do the same for you! Here’s part of the description for my personality type,INFJ (introverted, intuitive, feeling, judging):

“Even though their presence can be described as very quiet, INFJ personalities usually have many strong opinions, especially when it comes to issues they

Source of cartoon: http://blog.lib.umn.edu/meriw007/myblog/2012/04/1-of-7-billion.html

consider really important in life. If an INFJ is fighting or something, this is because they believe in the idea itself, not because of some selfish reasons.

INFJ personalities are drawn towards helping those in need – they may rush to the place of a major disaster, participate in rescue efforts, do charity work etc. INFJs see this as their duty and their purpose in life – people with this personality type firmly believe that nothing else would help the world as much as getting rid of all the tyrants. Karma and similar concepts are very attractive to INFJs.

These tendencies are also strengthened by the fact that INFJ personalities have a unique combination of idealism and decisiveness – this means that their creativity and imagination can be directed towards a specific goal. Few other personality types have this trait and this is one of the most important reasons why many INFJs are able to eventually realize their dreams and make a lasting positive impact.

INFJs are masters of written communication, with a distinctively smooth and warm language. In addition, the sensitivity of INFJs allows them to connect to others quite easily. Their easy and pleasant communication can often mislead bystanders, who might think that the INFJ is actually an extrovert.”

See http://www.16personalities.com/infj-personality for the full description.

Anyone who knows me reasonably well will probably agree that this is a pretty darn accurate description of me. I am often described as quiet (see my last blog post about being “too nice” to like rock music) & yet I do have many strong opinions, though I like to think I’m flexible & capable of seeing other points of view as well. (I always want to laugh when people call me quiet because I think “If they only knew all the things I’m thinking in my head!”) Despite being somewhat “quiet” I don’t mind voicing my opinions & I don’t shy away from leadership positions. In fact I often volunteer for them, not because I like telling people what to do but because I love having the power & ability to make a positive difference. This leads right into the next part of the description about helping others. Obviously I do love helping others or I wouldn’t have chosen to become a nurse. And as the description states, I do strongly believe the world would be a better place if we got rid of tyrants. (I have strong opinions on freedom & individual liberty as some of you may know, but that’s a blog post for another day.)

My favorite component of this INFJ description is the part about the unique combination of decisiveness & idealism that makes this personality type capable of fulfilling their dreams & making a “lasting positive impact.” Ever since I was a child I’ve always dreamed of making a difference in the world. When I was a kid I thought I would be a failure in life if I didn’t become famous someday. Now I realize of course that was a silly way to think, & I actually cringe at the thought of being a celebrity. But I still want to make a difference in the world, even if it’s just the small sphere that I inhabit for whatever time I’m allotted on this Earth.

INFJ’s are also talented writers which I like to think I am. At the very least I certainly enjoy writing which is one of the majors reasons I started this blog!

Lastly, I do think I connect & empathize easily with others, which probably explains why I scored so high on the F (feeling) part of the test. I like to think this is part of what makes me a good nurse, both for my patients & their families as well as for my coworkers.

I hope I don’t sound arrogant or self-centered in writing this post. As I explained earlier, this test has really helped me to understand myself. I’ve always felt like I’m a little strange or “off” which probably is true considering this personality type is considered to be quite rare. I have also struggled throughout my life with being very detail-oriented, focused, & perfectionistic which has its benefits but can also be very tiring. There have been so many times in my life when I’ve thought I would give almost anything to just be a more relaxed, “happy-go-lucky” person. However, reading something like this that focuses on the positive aspects of my personality really encourages me. When I read this I thought “There really ARE other people out there like me!” And if you look at the bottom of the web-page it lists famous people who are thought to be INFJ’s. I was quite gratified to see several of my heroes in life listed: Mother Teresa, Martin Luther King, Jr, & Nelson Mandela. Not bad company if I do say so myself!

I am sharing all of this because I truly believe this test can be beneficial in helping us to understand ourselves as well as others we interact with, whether it be at home or work or elsewhere. I seriously think this might be a good test for couples to take prior to getting married or moving in together. Not because I think there are certain personality types that are necessarily compatible or not compatible (though perhaps there are; some research on that would be fascinating), but because I believe it could be very beneficial in helping couples to understand each other better. (Definitely going to try to convince my husband to take this test. I am very curious to see his result.) One of my strong opinions about life is that self analysis is extremely important because the more self-aware you are, the more empathetic you can be to others. And more empathy in humanity can only lead to a better world for all of us.

You can take the test for free here: http://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test

I’d love to know your results so feel free to post them as a comment along with whether you feel the result is accurate or not.

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