My Thoughts on Cam Newton’s Latest Escapade


In case you missed it, Cam Newton has recently found himself in hot water over some comments he made about women & relationships on a recent podcast (see this link for a quick summary: https://nypost.com/2022/04/11/cam-newton-opines-about-women-who-cant-cook-and-dont-know-when-to-be-quiet/). For some background, in case anyone isn’t familiar with why I even care about what Cam Newton says, he has been the quarterback of the Carolina Panthers- the only NFL team in our state- for most of my adult life. Cam is also my age & led the Panthers to an almost undefeated season in 2015, capped off by a Superbowl appearance against Peyton Manning & the Broncos (which unfortunately they lost). Since then, if I’m being honest, his career has been mostly downhill. But there is just something about Cam that I have always liked. Maybe it’s his winning smile, maybe it’s the way he loves to throw footballs to kids after scoring touchdowns, maybe it’s the confidence he has to wear ridiculous outfits & not care that a large portion of the press (not to mention everyday Americans) makes fun of him for it. Whatever it is, there’s just something about the man I can’t help but like.

Now on the surface, I’ll admit his recent comments make me cringe a bit. They were clearly badly worded & generally in poor taste. And- let’s be real- I’m not sure Cam is someone I’d consider a bastion of romantic wisdom. This is a man who fathered four children in just under four years with a former stripper with whom he had an on-again, off-again relationship (Kia Proctor)- AND had an affair with an Instagram model which resulted in a child who was born shortly before his last child with Proctor. Let’s be real- maybe HE is the one who needs some romantic advice! This, of course, many have pointed out. I’ll admit I found myself laughing & nodding along when I read the reaction of Kayle Nicole (Travis Kelce’s girlfriend): “That man ain’t had a job in months. He has nothing but time to “be quiet” and get that ass in the kitchen.” I mean, she has a point, a very legitimate point!

Having said that, one of my main goals in life is to judge every concept on its own merits. What that means is I sincerely try not to throw the baby out with the bathwater. In other words, even if I generally like someone, it doesn’t mean I take every word they say as gospel. Furthermore, even if I generally don’t like someone or don’t respect a certain aspect of their lives, it doesn’t mean everything they say is garbage. I still try to judge their words & actions as objectively as I can. Isn’t there an old Biblical proverb about how even an ass speaks the truth every once in a while? (Yes, there is- I looked it up. Google it if you don’t believe me.)

Anyway, the point is, yes, I generally like Cam but I also am very willing to admit that he probably isn’t the best person to be dispensing relationship advice. Also, it’s entirely possible that what I’m reading into what he said is just an attempt to “whitewash” it & make it more acceptable to myself since I do generally like him as a person- though obviously I don’t actually KNOW him, & he could in fact be just as much of a sexist pig as most of the media has been screaming ever since his recent comments came to light.

Enough preamble. Let’s get to the meat of the issue! Upon closer inspection of Cam’s comments what I’m hearing him say is that men these days no longer feel needed. Perhaps at times they don’t even feel WANTED. And this is something that I think we ladies need to seriously consider. Let’s be real- as women we NEVER have to worry about feeling superfluous. If for absolutely no other reason, we KNOW that men will ALWAYS need & want us for sex. Always! And any decent man will want us for more than just that. Men on the other hand- especially in the age of IVF & sperm donors, financial independence, & general societal equality (all of which are obviously good things)- do actually run the risk of feeling superfluous- or, to put it bluntly, unnecessary. Does this mean we women need to go around catering to every man’s needs & desires & foregoing our own? Of course not! But what I think Cam was trying to say is that he is tired of hearing women say “I’m a strong, independent woman & I don’t need no man.” And then wondering why men aren’t interested. Or why men feel unwanted. It’s the same phenomenon that happens when women constantly bemoan all men for being liars & cheaters & then wonder why decent men avoid them.

Now obviously I think it’s fantastic that women don’t need men for many of the things we used to need them for (e.g. bank accounts, generally supporting us financially), but at the same time, relationships cannot survive if both partners don’t feel needed & valued emotionally. That’s just basic human psychology. And I think maybe that’s what Cam was rather ineloquently trying to say. So as tempting as it is to just throw him under the bus as another sexist entitled brat- which, naturally, is the popular feminist thing to do- I think his comments touch on some deeper issues at play in our society & thus are worthy of some deeper inspection. Is he (or someone like him) someone I’d be jumping up & down to date? Not hardly! But that doesn’t mean everything he has to say about relationships is garbage. After all, ladies, if we expect men to take our criticisms of them seriously (& obviously we do), then we have to return the favor. If we can dish it, we have to be able to take it too, as the old saying goes.

Again, I will gladly admit that maybe I’m just twisting Cam’s comments into something I think is valid or acceptable. That’s always possible. But the contrarian, anti-establishment element of me just can’t help but speak up when I see (almost) everyone else running the other way & decrying Cam as just another sexist idiot. Maybe he is. Even so, maybe he did touch on something worthwhile, albeit not in the most eloquent fashion. Or maybe he just needs to hang out with some women who have actual life skills & goals & aren’t just pretty faces on sexy bodies who are likely just after his money. That’s always a possibility too!

What do y’all think? Did I read way more into this than I should have, likely just to make myself feel better? Or is it possible I’m onto something? In any case, I’ll end by saying this- even if I’m wrong about what Cam meant by his recent comments, I still think the idea of men feeling superfluous in our society is a legitimate concern & something that we all need to consider.

Trust the Science . . . Or Not?


In my previous blog post I decried the Liberal Left for becoming as intolerant, totalitarian, & generally closed-minded as the Religious Right that they love to denigrate. Well, today’s post is going to follow somewhat of the same trend. I am fully cognizant of the fact that this post will probably cost me “friends” & will likely get me branded a bigot (unfairly so, if you ask me). But some things are too important to remain silent. I’ve already lost a few “friends” over my support of Covid vaccines as well as my willingness to stand up against racism. So- what’s a few more down the drain, right?

Before I dig into the meat of this issue, please let me preface this by saying this is quite literally the stuff that keeps me awake at night. It’s the kind of thing that I cannot get off my mind & that causes me great mental anguish. There are no easy answers in life- indeed, one of my greatest life lessons thus far has been that nothing in life is really settled except for the fact that nothing is really settled. Is that a hard way to live? You better believe it, but it’s the only way that makes sense to me. My point is- I am open to the idea that I may be wrong here. I have changed my mind about many things in life due to witnessing new evidence, meeting new people, having different experiences, etc. As always, I do not claim to speak for God, my employer, my family, or anyone other than MYSELF. And there is no reason to think that I am any wiser or better than anyone else. But as Flannery O’Connor said “I write because I don’t know what I think until I read what I say.” It’s what keeps me sane. So, on that note, here we go!

The past few years have been filled with headlines & admonitions to “Trust the science.” As someone who forms a great deal of my opinions on life around science/biology, I can definitely get behind this general idea. However, one of the greatest principles of science is that any knowledge or theory we have could at any point be proven wrong if we discover new evidence that leads to a greater understanding of the subject at hand. There is a LOT about the world that we still don’t know. HOWEVER, some things ARE pretty settled, whether we like it or not. Whether they are “fair” or “equitable” or not. As Ben Shapiro has said “Facts don’t care about your feelings.”

With that in mind, I cannot be silent any longer on the subject of transgender athletes, particularly transgender women competing against biological/cisgender women. The Left says “Trust the science!” but as soon as the science says something they don’t like, all of a sudden they want to throw it out the window. Please understand that I have an immense amount of compassion for the transgender community. I cannot imagine facing life as they do. I have zero problem referring to people by their preferred names or pronouns & generally affording them equal rights & access in society. I have even taught transgender people how to give themselves hormonal injections as part of my job.

HOWEVER, allowing transgender women to compete against biological women is just defying science. It doesn’t matter if we think it’s unfair- it just IS. Here is a study showing that trans women retain an athletic edge over biological women even after a YEAR of hormonal therapy: https://www.nbcnews.com/feature/nbc-out/trans-women-retain-athletic-edge-after-year-hormone-therapy-study-n1252764. This is particularly true of course for anyone who went through puberty as a man & had years of testosterone influencing their height/muscle development- which is of course the vast majority of transgender female athletes. The fact remains that no matter how many hormones you take or surgeries you have, you cannot change your CHROMOSOMES. Perhaps someday in the future we will have technology that allows trans women to truly be on a level playing field with cisgender women. But we haven’t reached that time yet.

Over & over experts have told us that this is not fair. Here (https://www.dw.com/en/fact-check-do-trans-athletes-have-an-advantage-in-elite-sport/a-58583988) is an excellent article that highlights some of the research on this matter. Please check it out in its entirety but I am including some of the highlights below:

“Pretty much any way you slice it, trans women are going to have strength advantages even after hormone therapy. I just don’t see that as anything else but factual,” said Joanna Harper, a medical physicist at Britain’s Loughborough University.

For Tommy Lundberg, whose research at Sweden’s Karolinska Institute focuses on skeletal muscle strength of trans people receiving hormone therapy, the advantages for trans women in strength are to the point where fairness cannot be ensured in most sports.

“The big problem right now is that the [hormone] therapy itself doesn’t really remove the advantage to an extent that you can claim that fairness has been achieved,” Lundberg told DW. “And actually, the IOC (International Olympic Committee) states that the overriding objective is, and remains, the guarantee of fair competition. That’s what they say in their guidelines. So that’s the problem right now: They don’t go hand-in-hand.”

In another paper Lundberg co-authored that looked at untrained trans women, Lundberg and his colleague found that “muscular advantage enjoyed by transgender women is only minimally reduced when testosterone is suppressed.”

As the above article mentions, the upper limit of testosterone allowed for trans female athletes is still WELL above the normal range in cisgender/biological women. To say that this is irrelevant is to deny basic biology & makes a mockery of women’s athletics. Women have fought for DECADES (nay, centuries) to have equal opportunities in sports. Why should we give that away?

Furthermore, intersex athletes like Caster Semenya have been barred from competing in women’s sports. While intersex is an extremely rare phenomenon & tragic for the athletes who are affected, it is still only fair to all the other female competitors. There is absolutely no logic to barring intersex athletes such as Semenya but then allowing transgender female athletes like Lia Thomas. You cannot have your cake & eat it too. You cannot command us to trust the science & then dismiss the science! It just doesn’t work that way- or shouldn’t. (By the way, this isn’t a new phenomenon: read this article that highlights some intersex athletes from almost a century ago: https://www.deseret.com/2021/7/29/22584285/male-to-female-transgender-olympic-athletes-impact-womens-sports-president-biden-mike-lee-weigh-in.)

Lastly- Sha’Carri Richardson was barred from the Olympics because she tested positive for MARIJUANA. Please tell me how that would give her any advantage whatsoever over any other athlete. And yet trans women can compete with far higher levels of testosterone? Can we get some ideological consistency here, please?

I have tried & tried to find articles & evidence about transgender men competing in men’s sports. But as you might suspect, there isn’t much to be found. Maybe because most transgender men know they would not have any advantages over cisgender men- in fact they would likely be DISadvantaged…

Please, before you accuse me of being transphobic, consider how you would feel if your daughters (or nieces or goddaughters, etc) lose out on athletic opportunities to transgender females. Also consider that folks like Martina Navratilova, a lesbian & longtime LGBTQ activist, has said “It’s insane & it’s cheating. I am happy to address a transgender woman in whatever form she prefers, but I would not be happy to compete against her. It would not be fair.” Furthermore, consider what many of the cisgender females who have competed against Lia Thomas or Laurel Hubbard have said about this subject. The fact that so many female athletes are feeling pressure or being explicitly told not to speak out about this issue is proof positive that something is amiss here. The fact that the media is editing photos to make Lia Thomas look more feminine is yet another clue (see here: https://www.dailywire.com/news/photog-speaks-out-after-she-says-nbc-edited-her-photos-to-soften-look-of-trans-swimmer-lia-thomas).

Liberals so often tell us that we should go to those who are affected by a policy to see their opinions on the matter- & they are right about that. But all of a sudden they don’t care about those opinions when they run counter to their own narrative… All of a sudden we aren’t supposed to trust the science…

So- what’s the answer? I’ll be the first to admit I don’t know. Should we have separate leagues for transgender athletes? My thought is yes. On a practical level I know that would be very hard to manage because there isn’t a huge community to make this happen in every town/area. However, we have Special Olympics for a reason- because it wouldn’t be fair to have those folks competing against everyone else- for obvious, scientific reasons. If we can make that happen, I am confident that we can make a transgender league a reality as well.

In conclusion, I am open to the idea that I could be wrong. I am open to the idea that things could change in the future when new science or technology are discovered. But as things stand right now, the science tells me that we are doing a disservice to women everywhere by allowing- even forcing- them to compete against transgender women. We don’t have to like it. It doesn’t have to be fair. But it’s just the way it is. And I’ll be damned if saying so makes me transphobic- it does not. It just means I am dedicated to preserving the integrity of the rights women have fought for over the centuries & I am dedicated to actually following the science- even if we don’t always like what it says. If we are not allowed to do that, we cannot legitimately claim to be a free society

A Treatise on Toxic Femininity


I think most folks are aware of the term toxic masculinity. If I’m being honest, it’s a term I’ve never been fond of because I think men are incredibly valuable to our society & should not be continuously denigrated. Having said that, I’d be short sighted if I didn’t acknowledge that there are certain parts of traditional masculinity that can in fact be quite toxic. I have recently been involved with several exchanges with men that struck me as toxic- exchanges where men were condescending, demeaning, & downright rude to me. I’ve also witnessed several such exchanges recently by men towards other people, both men & women, & those exchanges angered me as much or more than the ones actually directed at me. In one case I actually spoke to the victim about how inappropriate those exchanges were & how he should not have to tolerate such abuse because it’s “just part of the system” or “inherent in the process.”

So I was going to write about how, as much as I might not like to admit it, toxic masculinity is in fact still a problem. But then I realized I really have nothing novel to say about the subject. It’s been written about so many times as to be a bit exhausted at this point. However, I would like to point out that SOME (not all) of the men who have been toxic to me at various times in my life are the exact men who claim to be feminists & decry toxic masculinity- but God forbid you dare to disagree with them. Then they will be very keen to tell you just how narcissistic, myopic, idiotic, redneck, uncultured, etc that you are. They may even block you on social media because you are apparently such a threat to their fragile masculinity because you have the gall to question them. INSERT MASSIVE EYE ROLL. Furthermore, most of the men who are truly guilty of toxic masculinity are the exact ones who would never listen to a damn thing I have to say. So I’d just be preaching to the choir, so to speak.

Anyway, all this got me to thinking that I’ve never heard the term toxic femininity used, but I googled it, & it does in fact exist. However, my definition of it isn’t exactly the same as what the “standard” definition is. Anyway, before I googled it I came up with a list of traits I’ve often observed in women (including myself on occasion) that are quite toxic- to ourselves & to others. Seeing as people usually accept criticism best from their own “kind,” I thought it would be more productive to write about this issue, especially since it’s one that is rarely addressed. And when it IS addressed it’s usually couched entirely around the concept that it’s all men’s fault & often focuses on other behaviors that I think are already fairly well addressed- or at least acknowledged- by feminism & society in general nowadays.

Of note, I sent this list to several male friends & several responded saying “My ex was just like this!” It’s clear to me that men (& women) experience plenty of hardships & even abuse at the hands of women & while it may not be as life-threatening, that doesn’t mean it isn’t worth addressing. So without further ado, here we go:

  • Refusing to make decisions: Oh man, how many times have you heard the jokes or seen the memes about women who just won’t pick a place to eat for date night? Or generally won’t make a decision about something- but whatever the man ends up picking, it’s always wrong. I’m not going to lie, I used to doubt the veracity of such stories because I have always been quite a decisive person myself so I just couldn’t wrap my head around other women being like this. But after talking to several of my male friends, I have determined that yes, there are plenty of women like this. Furthermore, I suppose all those jokes & memes wouldn’t exist if such women weren’t so common. Anyway, the point is this kind of behavior is toxic because it breeds resentment which is never a good thing for any relationship- whether it’s a friendship or a romantic relationship. Not to mention you could argue that it doesn’t bode well for women if we can’t make decisions about something as simple as what to eat for dinner. If nothing else, if we refuse to make a decision we cannot in fairness turn around & blame the person who did.
  • Refusing to acknowledge self destructive behaviors or to accept responsibility for poor life decisions: Now this is where a lot of folks are probably going to want to get off the train. Please know that I am in no way attempting to victim blame. HOWEVER, I do think that it is very important that women become aware of the roles we can sometimes play in the abuse we suffer. In other words, if we never recognize WHY we end up in bad situations, for example why we are attracted to men who hurt us, then we will forever be helpless victims, no better than prey in the wild. To be clear, the exact same thing could be said for men who end up in relationships with toxic women. If they don’t recognize why they’re attracted to these women, they’ll always end up in the same situation. Ladies, we need to do better. We cannot just spend our lives saying “All men suck.” No, they don’t. We need to learn from our mistakes & do better, just like men are expected to do.  
  • Not stating what we want or need but expecting men to read our minds: How many times have you seen or heard the stories about how “When a woman says she’s fine, she’s anything but fine”? Too many to count, right? Again, this is something that has never made sense to me. If I’m not fine, you better believe my husband is going to know it. And so are my close friends. Why would I bottle things up from the people who mean the most to me? If you aren’t comfortable telling someone when you’re upset, why are you even with them in the first place? And if they’re constantly ignoring you or making your life more difficult such that you don’t want to bother them with your problems- again I must ask, why are you with them? I know there are a lot of very valid reasons why women end up in bad relationships, but at the end of the day if we ever want to break the cycle, we have to take responsibility for our decisions & start demanding better. And if that means being single, so be it. It’s exactly like obesity & addiction. There are a lot of very valid reasons why people are obese or abuse drugs or alcohol, many of them rooted in complex emotional trauma. But the sad truth is that obesity & addiction are still hurting people & until those suffering from it recognize & address the reasons behind their condition, they’ll be helpless to fight it. Ladies, we need to claim our own power over our lives & start doing better!
  • Not being upfront with people about problems or misunderstandings (i.e. passive aggression): Here’s another behavior that I think exists for a lot of very valid reasons, both historically & evolutionarily. But it’s still a problem. After all, the behaviors we’ve adapted to survive are not always beneficial long term. Considering all the gains women have made in the modern world, I think it’s high time we started being more assertive & upfront about things, especially with each other. I think this is honestly more of an issue between women nowadays than it is between men & women. I know for myself I am far less comfortable criticizing another woman than I am criticizing a man. I am always far more worried about hurting a woman’s feelings or having her take everything I say as a personal attack rather than as a caring criticism. I’ll admit there have been too many times in my life when I’ve stayed silent for fear of offending another woman. In my career I have observed time & time again that many of my female coworkers will complain about things to each other all day long but will never actually go to management with their concerns. And that management is invariably also female (seeing as I’m in a field that is overwhelmingly female). Ladies, we need to do better than this!
  • Cliques: I don’t feel like I need to say much about this because it’s self explanatory & everyone knows why it’s a problem. All I have to say is, if you’re an adult women & you’re still exhibiting this kind of behavior, please grow the hell up.
  • Making daughters feel like they’re more work: If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard people say “Girls are more work” or “Girls are more expensive,” I’d be a rich woman. What I think is so ironic about this is that it is invariably women saying this. I couldn’t absolutely swear on it of course, but I honestly do not remember ever hearing a man say this. It’s always been other women. I couldn’t tell you WHO said this to my mom when I was a kid/teen, but on multiple occasions I remember hearing this & I remember my mom responding with a fervent disagreement & explaining how it doesn’t HAVE to be that way. I was always grateful to her for how she handled those conversations, but now that I’m an adult & a mom myself, I have to say I am also proud of her because she could have easily just gone with the flow & agreed. (So if you’re reading this, thanks, Mama. You rock!) I’ll never forget shopping at a maternity store when I was pregnant & having the saleswoman ask me what gender the baby was going to be. When I said I was having a girl she gave me this speech about how sorry she was because her daughters were so much more work than her sons. I honestly was astounded & appalled but I also must admit that I didn’t really say anything to oppose her. Probably because I knew her response would be “Oh, just wait, you’ll see.” But I have never forgotten that conversation & part of me would dearly love to see her again (not that I remember what she looked like) & tell her just how wrong she was. At the end of the day, even if you could scientifically argue that girls are more work or are more expensive, telling them that is frankly abusive. Why would you ever want to make your child feel like a burden for something they can’t even control? It’s not like we choose to be born female! I will say it again: ladies, we need to do better.
  • Using men for their money: This should go without saying but apparently it doesn’t. Just in the past 12 hours I’ve had two male friends tell me about how they ended up paying off significant debts for ex-wives or ex-girlfriends who just abandoned them & left them to deal with the mess. So it stands to reason there are probably a lot more cases out there just like this. Ladies, if we don’t want to be abandoned with a baby or with a man’s debt, we cannot turn around & do this to men. Do better!
  • Blaming men or internalized misogyny for every problem: Here’s the one that will really piss off the modern feminists. You see, I’ve read a lot about internalized misogyny & I agree to a certain extent that it is a problem. But I also think our society is doing & has done a lot to address it. Furthermore, if we ever want to be more than hapless victims in this life, we cannot keep blaming men for all of our problems, especially not if we are frequently guilty of the toxic behaviors listed above. Life just doesn’t work that way. We need to do better, end of story.

If you’ve stuck with me this far, I thank you for reading all of this, especially if you’re a fellow woman & have perhaps found yourself feeling convicted a time or two. I know I did when writing this. But I also refuse to accept that we can’t do better, just as a I refuse to accept that men can’t do better than being toxically masculine. At the end of the day, maybe all of this has less to do with our gender & more to do with the fact that we are all HUMAN BEINGS. And- let’s be real- humans can be pretty damn toxic sometimes. But we can also do amazing things- it just requires that we acknowledge our toxic tendencies & find ways to do better.

And yes, I know some of you have a million examples of how men have wronged you, but let’s try to be objective & admit that we women aren’t perfect either. That in NO way means I’m saying you deserved the abuse or wrongs you may have suffered. Absolutely not. But we cannot continually use the bad behavior of some men as an excuse for our own bad behavior. That is not the key to happiness or success in life. Also, we cannot control everything that happens to us in life. But all the behaviors I’ve discussed here are things we CAN control. They might not be easy but they’re necessary for growth. Remember, while there are plenty of valid reasons for bad behavior, bad behavior is still bad behavior because it’s destructive to ourselves & those around us.

P.S. If I’ve offended you, please remember that you’re under no obligation to listen to me or to agree with me. I do not claim to speak for God or anyone other than myself. I write these posts mainly to toss ideas around in my own head & to encourage others to do the same. That’s all.

Dress Code Dilemmas


This is a blog post I’ve been wanting to write for a while but it seems like another more pressing issue always takes precedence whenever I find time to write. However, I saw the below picture posted on social media recently & it inspired such conflicting feelings in me that I felt like I finally needed to make a go of it & delve into this complicated matter.

Before diving into the implications of the above picture, I’d like to first share some experiences that I gleaned from my own friends on social media this week. I’ll start with my own experiences & then paraphrase those of my friends.

I personally never got in trouble for a dress code violation. That’s principally because I would never have made it out of the house wearing anything that could have been a violation. My mom was a teacher so she knew the rules & wasn’t about to let me break them (which was wise of her). Secondly, because of how I was raised I wouldn’t have felt comfortable wearing anything that might have broken the dress code anyway. So for me it was effectively a non-issue. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t think about it when I saw other people getting in trouble for dress code violations (some more egregious than others). And it certainly doesn’t mean I haven’t thought about it many times over the years since middle/high school, perhaps even more so now that I have my own daughter’s future to think about.

What I will share from my own experience that I think is pertinent to this matter is a certain situation that happened every spring or early summer at my church. Every year as the weather warmed up, the pastor’s &/or youth pastor’s wife would take us teenage girls aside & tell us how important it was to dress modestly because we didn’t want to tempt the boys. We didn’t want to be a “stumbling block” to them. They may have meant well & I can’t say I’m angry at them for doing what they were probably instructed to do by their own husbands- whom they were conditioned to obey- but I must confess that I always found these conversations bizarre & uncomfortable. Furthermore, as I’ve gotten older I’ve realized exactly what kind of damaging messages these kinds of conversations sent. The underlying message was “Boys can’t control themselves. If they harass you or hurt you, it’s your fault. You tempted them. Just be modest & nothing bad will happen to you.” Even as a teenager I picked up on these messages a bit & found them disturbing. I read several books about Afghanistan in high school & found myself thinking “These women are literally covering every inch of their skin at all times in public. You can’t even really see their EYES. And yet they still get harassed & raped.” So I knew, even then, that these messages didn’t totally add up with what I was seeing in the real world.

Now here is a list of some of the experiences my friends reported. These come from women who are now late 20s to 40s & who grew up in various parts of the country, so these are not just covering folks my own age or from my hometown. By the way, I’m using the term girl in these bullet points because while these people are now women, they were still girls when these events happened & I think that bears considering.

  • Several girls reported getting in trouble any time they deigned to wear shorts, particularly if they were on the taller side. But even some who were shorter had trouble with this. Several pointed out how hypocritical this seemed since cheerleaders were allowed to wear their cheer uniforms to school on game days & these showed far more skin than shorts. And any other outfit that wasn’t a cheer uniform but was equally showy wouldn’t have been allowed. (No one mentioned this but it just occurred to me that the shorts girls’ volleyball teams usually wear probably wouldn’t fit the dress code either. And yet they are given these shorts as if a prerequisite for playing volleyball as a female is having your ass hanging out. Hmmmm….)
  • One mom reported that she took two children in her family to school recently, one child being a boy & one being a girl. They had on the same length of shorts but only the girl was made to change clothes. So yes, this crap is still happening even 15-20 years after most of us graduated! (Insert massive eye roll.)
  • One girl got in trouble because her shirt had shrunk a bit in the dryer & her abdomen showed just a tiny bit when she raised her hand in class.
  • One girl reported a dress code violation for wearing a sleeveless shirt. Despite the fact that the straps met the required “3 finger” rule, she still got in trouble & was made to change.
  • Many reported that Confederate flag clothing was allowed & was quite popular. Others reported that Confederate flag clothing was technically against the dress code but was generally tolerated anyway (interestingly, most of this clothing was worn by boys, not girls).
  • Several reported that dress codes seemed to unfairly target black (or Hispanic) students with prohibitions against doo-rags, bandanas, beads, chains, etc.
  • One student got in trouble for wearing jeans with holes in them despite the fact that she was wearing leggings underneath so no actual skin was showing.
  • Several girls pointed out that curvier, more busty girls or girls with more proverbial “junk in the trunk” were far more likely to get in trouble for dress code violations even when wearing the same thing as other girls with “skinnier” figures. However, one girl reported getting in trouble for wearing leggings with a long shirt when she was less than 100 lbs & flat chested, yet another far curvier girl wore the exact same outfit & DIDN’T get in trouble.
  • On the same token, many reported that dress codes were not enforced equally. Students who were “popular” or who were related to a teacher or other “important” person in town were less likely to get in trouble for the wearing the same things that other kids with lesser status were punished for wearing.
  • Lastly, at the time of the violations, many girls reported feeling angry, frustrated, & unfairly targeted, particularly if it was an outfit they’d worn before without problems or if other students were wearing the same thing & not getting in trouble. Some reported still second guessing their choices of attire even today because of some of these situations. Many reported feeling like the message that was sent by these dress codes, & perhaps more importantly how they were enforced, was that girls were responsible for how boys treated them & that their education wasn’t as important as not distracting the boys.

Now, let’s examine the implications of that photo from the beginning of the post. I agree with almost everything in it. But when you get to the last line is where I run into trouble. Obviously I agree that we should be teaching boys not to view girls as sexual OBJECTS, & we absolutely should be teaching them that just because a girl is dressed a certain way does NOT mean that they are entitled to touch or harass her in any way. HOWEVER, the fact remains that we ARE sexual creatures- & that includes teenagers. While nowadays most of us agree that most teenagers are too immature to really handle the consequences of sex, the fact remains that for most of human history they weren’t regarded that way. It is biologically programmed into us- part of our DNA you could say- that we are inherently sexual creatures, just like any other mammal. And for most of human history that has started during the teenage years- & frankly still does for most, even if it’s under very different circumstances.

What I’m getting at is that in an ideal world women could wear however little (or much) they wanted in any situation & it would never change how they were perceived. But for better or worse we DON’T live in such a world & I’m not sure how realistic it is to say that women should be able to wear really provocative clothing in every situation in life. I’m not sure that the person who created that meme was saying that either. But I have certainly seen such arguments elsewhere. To be clear, I am in no way saying women are responsible for men’s bad behavior- no one gets raped because “she was asking for it, being dressed that way.” Absolutely not. Furthermore, I can definitely speak to situations in my own life when I received unwanted attention/harassment from men when I was NOT wearing anything particularly provocative at all. At the end of the day, much of this behavior isn’t about the women- it’s about the men & their own control/aggression issues.

Having said all that, I think it would be remiss not to mention that the way humans have evolved women are undoubtedly more often viewed as the objects of sexual desire. In many animal species, men are the more “interesting” gender visually- think about birds or lions for example. It is the males who have the brilliant colors or the mane. But in humans, men are much more visually stimulated by women’s bodies. That is not to say that women don’t enjoy looking at men- clearly we do- but there are far more magazines, porn, movies, strip clubs, etc with men as the intended audience than women. What I’m trying to get at is that women’s bodies ARE sexual, whether we like it or not. And as much as we might not like it, we are all selling ourselves in this world, both men & women. What I mean by that is that for better or worse the clothes we wear do send signals to those around us &- fair or not- this is particularly true for us women.

I’m always hesitant to make generalizations based on my own experiences because I realize they don’t necessarily represent the experiences of everyone else, but I’d be blind if I didn’t admit that the women I’ve known who’ve consistently dressed provocatively attracted a very different type of man than those who dressed a bit less provocatively. Do I think that’s “fair” or ideal? No, but it’s what I’ve observed & I think it would be unwise not to consider what this means. Again, I am not advocating for actual LAWS regarding what women can or can’t wear or that any woman should be shamed or looked down upon for her choice of attire. Nor should women be made to feel like harassment or rape are natural consequences of their own clothing. Absolutely not. Do I in fact wear things now as an adult that I wouldn’t have been allowed to wear to school or in my parents’ house? Yes, I do (though not to work of course). [For example, I wear shorter shorts than I’d have worn at home, & I wear tank tops or old cut up T shirts that sometimes show my bra straps. And while I don’t wear intentionally low cut shirts my figure is such that a lot of things become a bit low cut that weren’t necessarily intended to be. And had I had the same figure in high school maybe I’d have gotten in trouble then too. Anyway, I don’t feel uncomfortable or like I’m being overtly sexy in any of these outfits. I mean, none of my neighbors or men at Wal-Mart have yet prepositioned me.] Do I think that teenage boys or adult men are incapable of controlling themselves? No, we ARE animals but we are also MORE than animals. However, does that mean I will be encouraging my daughter to wear booty shorts & extremely low cut shirts on the daily? Absolutely not. But I will NOT be phrasing it as “You shouldn’t tempt the boys by dressing like that.” I will be saying something more like this instead: “Do you want the boys to notice you for your personality or just your body? They’re probably going to notice your body regardless of what you wear, but you can increase the odds of catching the attention of more decent boys (or girls) who actually care about you as a person if you avoid certain clothes.” My hope is that kind of phrasing won’t send any kind of damaging messages but will still be preparing her for the real world.

Now does any of this mean we should be punishing 6 year old girls for wearing short shorts? Absolutely not. They are CHILDREN. But when it comes to teenagers, biologically speaking they really AREN’T children anymore. So is there a place for dress codes in schools? I’m inclined to say yes, largely because it’s an environment meant for LEARNING & is basically the teenager’s equivalent of a job. And as adults most of us don’t wear provocative clothing to work because it’s just not the place for that, right? The question of course is where do we draw the lines? And how we do it in such a manner than we aren’t sending damaging messages to girls that their education isn’t as important as not distracting boys? How do we teach boys (& girls) that girls are more than their various “assets”? How do we raise boys to respect girls regardless of their choice of clothing? And whatever rules we agree on, how do we make sure that they are enforced equitably? (Also, can we make sure that we aren’t issuing uniforms for girls sports that would violate the dress code? Because that’s sending incredibly mixed messages.)

I don’t have the answers. I’m just trying to start a discussion here because this is a subject that is really difficult for me. I feel so conflicted because I can see good points on both “sides” of the issue (as with most things). I definitely got angry reading about many of my friends’ experiences as teenagers & getting in trouble for things that to me seem completely ridiculous. It’s not like any of them showed up to school in a bikini or a tube top & a miniskirt a la Britney Spears! It’s certainly disturbing to think that Confederate flags were often ignored- despite the fact that they were worn at least partly to intimidate black students- but girls’ legs were frequently deemed too sexy for school. Please. Let’s get our priorities straight here.

So what do you think? Does any of this make sense? Am I being sexist against my own gender? I’m really trying not to be but I’m also trying to be realistic & not fight biology here. Thoughts?

Do We Owe Our Spouses Sex?


At some point over the past few years since becoming a mom, I became a subscriber to the popular Mommy blog Scary Mommy. By subscriber I mean I’m on their email list- I’m certainly not paying them. Anyway, here lately I’ve noticed a preponderance of posts about how women do not owe their husbands sex. Now this is a very complicated issue that has been weighing heavily on my mind lately, probably largely because most of the posts I’ve seen on this matter strike me as particularly one-sided. In other words, they all seem to come from angry, bitter women who are over-worked, over-stressed, & appear to have a bit of a chip on their shoulders. But even that is too simple of a summarization of such a complex topic. So I thought I’d create a space where we can have a frank discussion about something that really is incredibly important both to individuals as well as to society as a whole.

Before I go any further, I recommend reading these articles so you will better understand the context for why I’m writing this. As you will discover, I am much more inclined to agree with the Huff Post article.

Stop Making Married Women Feel Bad About Not Having Sex (scarymommy.com)

Married Women Don’t Owe Sex To Their Spouse (scarymommy.com)

Do We Owe Our Spouses Sex? | HuffPost Life

Sex in America is a strange beast. One the one hand, sex is everywhere. “Sex sells,” as the old saying goes- & it’s true. Sex is either implicitly or explicitly involved in so many aspects of our culture- everything from movies to music to advertisements to video games. It’s everywhere- & yet it’s not. Because when it comes to actually TALKING about sex we are curiously silent. As parents we are so afraid of awkward discussions that we often let our kids learn about sex from everyone & everything but us- a recipe for disaster if you ask me. Our society frequently depicts sex as both wonderful & horrible all at the same time, so is it any wonder teenagers are rushing to do it to figure out what they’re missing? Furthermore, our society often depicts sex as something that magically vanishes once a couple gets married or generally settles down together. I realize that IS the case for some couples & there are very valid & legitimate reasons for this, but at the end of the day we are animals- albeit very different from other species of course. But the fact remains that sex is a biological need. It serves both physiological & psychological purposes for us- both men & women- so to act like it’s healthy or normal for sex to disappear once you’re married (or generally committed to someone long term) is, in my opinion, an extremely unhealthy concept to encourage.

Don’t marry a man like this

Now one thing I do agree with the Scary Mommy articles about is that men absolutely need to step up to help their wives around the house, especially once children come into the picture. I truly believe one reason that my husband & I have maintained such a great sex life is because he consistently does his part around the house- WITHOUT BEING ASKED. Which is exactly how it should be. Sure, once in a while I might ask him to help with something but the vast majority of the time, he just does it. And frankly I doubt I’d have married him if he weren’t like that. I for one did not get married to take care of a man child. No way, no sir, no how. That life is not for me! I married someone who is my life partner, not someone to take care of like a child. That dynamic might work for some people but it would NOT work for me. And I absolutely believe we need to do a better job of raising our boys to know that housework is not just for women. If more men stepped up to help with the laundry, dishes, etc, I can almost guarantee American sex lives would be in a better spot.

Furthermore, I 100% agree that husbands should be invested in their wives’ pleasure. If your man doesn’t care if you’re orgasming or not, you’re with the wrong man. If your husband/partner is only interested in sex for his own pleasure, trust me when I say, he ain’t “the one.” End of story.

But where I disagree with these articles is on the idea that spouses don’t owe each other sex at all. Now I’ll admit I don’t like putting it in those terms but I’m not sure how else to say it. And this whole idea that “when I got married I didn’t sign up to meet his sexual needs” just makes zero sense to me. Um, yes- yes, you did. And he signed up to meet your needs too- both sexually & otherwise! Now by NO MEANS am I saying that women should be sex slaves to their husbands who have to say yes every single time. But when you marry someone, you’re promising to meet their physical & emotional needs, & yes, sex is part of that! We are animals after all! So if you’re going months or even years without sex, something is wrong- very, very wrong (unless of course both of you are truly ok with that- but I have a hard time imagining anyone, male or female, not wanting sex for that long- but maybe that’s just me). Anyway, the point is that while I very much believe that each person owns their own body & should not be FORCED into anything, at the same time, being married DOES mean you’ve promised to meet each other’s needs. This obviously applies to men too. I have read posts & articles with wives complaining that their husbands never want sex anymore & how hurtful that is to them. So for sure this goes BOTH ways.

Anyone who has analyzed divorce data even a tiny bit knows that a lack of sex is almost always involved. Have you ever wondered why that is? I suspect it’s because a lack of sex is usually symptomatic of a greater problem in a marriage. If you aren’t having sex, I have to wonder if you’re really emotionally close to one another. Now obviously there are exceptions here- people undergoing chemotherapy, women who’ve endured very traumatic childbirth, etc. But those are the exceptions, not the rule. My husband & I have always said that one reason we prioritize sex is because we can never be but so mad at each other if we’re having sex regularly. I know we are very different than a lot of people but I suspect that is true for most folks. Sex is an emotional experience for everyone, not just women, so it’s hard to do it regularly with someone & not have a good emotional connection with that person.

Lastly, when I read these Scary Mommy articles & ones like it, I can’t help but feel that these women are saying “men are so selfish & only care about themselves & their desires.” (Now I’m sure that’s true for some men- don’t marry that type!) BUT it also feels to me like these authors are also being quite selfish & saying they only care about their own needs & desires. Maybe I’m old school but two wrongs don’t make a right. As far as I’m concerned it is not healthy for anyone, regardless of gender or sexual orientation, to consistently deny their partner sex for ages on end (exceptional circumstances notwithstanding of course). That’s just setting your relationship up to fail, if you ask me. It’s setting both of you up to be miserable, to communicate poorly, & to resent each other.

Now I’m no expert, no sex therapist or guru or what have you. I’m just a normal 30-something wife & mom who enjoys dissecting difficult topics & discussing things most people would rather sweep under the rug. I in no way think that I’m a perfect wife, that my husband is perfect, that our relationship is perfect, or that I/we have all the answers. But I am saddened to see that the narrative on this subject seems to be mostly dominated by women who seem to have such a negative view of sex. I have to wonder if they just haven’t had good sex… Was that a sexist statement? Hmmm… Now I’m not saying there haven’t been times in my life, mostly in the first year or so of our daughter’s life when I was breastfeeding, that I didn’t feel particularly in the mood. Certainly there have been. But you know what? We found ways to make it work. I value my own sexuality, I value my husband & our relationship, & like anything else in life worth having, our sex life was/is worth fighting for.

The purpose of this post is not to make anyone feel guilty. And the purpose is certainly not to brag about my own sex life. But I think this is a very important subject that usually either isn’t addressed or is only addressed very one-sidedly. Of course the women writing those Scary Mommy articles probably argue that this subject used to only be addressed with men’s needs/desires in mind. And that is probably true. But again, two wrongs don’t make a right. We aren’t going to better our society by treating men like trash. That just isn’t the path to progress. We need to have an open dialogue about touchy subjects like this (pun very much intended). We need to communicate clearly with our spouses about everything, including of course sex. And that kind of open dialogue needs to happen long before someone becomes your spouse! I personally think sex before marriage is quite necessary to ensure that people are compatible. I know that goes against everything I was taught growing up, but nonetheless I truly believe it. Now I also believe that if people have a strong emotional connection the chances are very good that they will have a strong physical connection too. But sex is way too important to leave to chance, if you ask me.

I’m sure there’s an angry feminist somewhere reading this & screaming that I’m condoning marital rape. Let me assure you that I am not. But I also think we need to be honest with ourselves & admit that denying a partner sex consistently is not healthy. When it comes down to it, you’re denying YOURSELF pleasure too. Ask any sex “expert” & they’ll tell you that “sex begets sex.” There are times when it may not be perfect or the most romantic experience of your life, but if you stay off the horse forever you’ll never get back to the great rides you remember from the past (pun intended once again).

So, did I answer the question in the title of this post? I’m not sure. Even if I did, I suspect the answer will be different for everyone- & that’s fine. But it’s something you better be sure to communicate clearly with your own partner.

I’d love to hear others’ opinions on this matter. It’s always possible I’m just crazy. But I truly believe this is an important discussion that needs to be addressed from all angles- which in my experience is not being done.

Disclosure: if you’ve experienced rape or sexual assault, I realize your experiences may be vastly different, & this post may not be very relevant for you. I can only speak to my own experiences. If this article feels tone deaf, I apologize.

P.S. Feel free to private message me your thoughts if you aren’t comfortable discussing this in a public forum. I totally understand that.

P.P.S. I just looked at my phone & I had a notification from YouTube that one of my favorite country singers (Gary Allan) just posted a song called Sex. And yes, it is about sex. It even addresses the fact that our society is obsessed with sex & yet we don’t like to talk about it. Talk about timing….

On Teenage Sex & the “Good for him” Narrative


I overheard a conversation between two men yesterday that sparked a lot of discussion in my own brain, & almost as soon as it happened I knew it would end up being a blog post. I cannot share many details of the conversation for a variety of reasons but I’m going to sum it up as best as I can below.

Man #1. “So this 16 year old boy is making racist statements towards me & also regaling everyone with tales of his sexual escapades from years ago.”

Man #2: “From years ago? And he’s only 16 now?”

Man #1: “Yep.”

Man #2: “Well, good for him!”

Being the person I am I couldn’t help but butt into the conversation to say “Just imagine if the genders were reversed. You would NOT be saying that.” Neither man acknowledged my remark in the least, which is fine. I wasn’t really part of the conversation but because of our physical proximity at the time I couldn’t help but overhear it. But I do think it’s interesting that neither of them so much as looked at me to acknowledge my remark. Not sure if that means they immediately dismissed it as irrelevant or if they realized I’d actually made a good point! Whatever. I’m certainly not going to report either man for having the conversation because they didn’t offend me. They didn’t intimidate me. And they certainly didn’t harass me. But I do think the second man’s remark is indicative of some greater problems within our society. Let me explain further.

Now let me preface this by saying that I do not consider myself a modern feminist. I did not march on Washington wearing a vagina hat- & I’m never going to. You won’t find me screaming about abortion rights or a gender pay gap. I do not identify with those sorts of women. As a friend of mine recently said to me, unfortunately modern feminism has largely been taken over by people who are in reality misandrists. They aren’t calling for equal rights for women so much as they hate men & are trying to tear them down. I hate that this has happened because they have turned feminism into a dirty word when it absolutely should not be.

Having said all that, I am bothered by the conversation above for several reasons. First, the second man’s comment implies that sex is by default good for males. I can almost guarantee that he would not have made the same comment if they’d been discussing a teenage girl who’d already been having sex for years. No way! (And that’s why I couldn’t resist saying what I did.) So the implication here is that sex is good for males but bad for females. Now I’m not an idiot- I am not in denial of biology. Obviously sex is inherently more dangerous for women because of the chance of pregnancy. Furthermore, some STIs can be more dangerous for women (or at least have more damaging long-term effects). Not to mention rape of course. So yes, I understand & acknowledge all of that. But danger (or the potential for danger) does not have to equal bad or wrong.

I’ve never actually seen this movie, but it seems appropriate for this post.

Second, I do not think that sex is healthy for young teenagers, regardless of gender. Neither teen boys nor girls are emotionally mature enough to handle the potential emotional consequences of sex, much less pregnancy or STIs. Therefore it is not a healthy thing for our society to joke about teenage boys having sex like they’re winning at life. You see & hear these same types of comments whenever a female teacher is on the news for having sex with a student. There are always men coming out of the woodwork saying “Oh man, I wish the teachers had been like that when I was in school” or “Good for him.” Have I laughed at such comments myself at times? Sure. But in the end I realize they’re really very unhealthy. No one says those things when a male teacher is caught having sex with a female student. In both cases, quite often the student was more than willing. But that isn’t the point! The point is that regardless of gender, an adult- much less a teacher or someone in authority over a teenager- should never be exploiting an underage person because teenagers just do not possess the capability of making such decisions.

A case of a female teacher having sex with an underage male student was in our local news a month or two ago. And it did not receive nearly the same attention it probably would have if the genders were reversed. People just do not view female sex offenders as dangerous in the same way they do male sex offenders. In a way I understand this because biology dictates that a woman grabbing a random man off the street & raping him is nigh impossible. But that does not necessarily make female sex offenders any less dangerous. Considering that the average teenage boy is itching to lose his virginity to just about anyone, an adult woman who exploits that, particularly a teacher or someone in a position of authority, is just as disgusting as a man who does the same thing with a teenage girl. Why does our society act like boys cannot be emotionally scarred or damaged by sex that happens in bad situations just as much as girls can be? Of course they can’t get pregnant, but that isn’t the only issue at hand here. It’s like we’ve forgotten- or are in denial- that sex is an emotional experience for men just as it is for women. (And any man who argues otherwise is clearly having bad sex.)

I don’t believe in censoring art but this song is pretty disturbing when you think about it.

Here are a couple of metaphors for the “sex is good for men but bad for women” trope. Imagine a couple won the Olympic gold medal for pairs figure skating but only the man was actually awarded. Or suppose a football team won the Superbowl but only the offense was considered the winners & only they got the rings. Sure, the offense has the more glamorous job that usually results in scoring all (or most) of the points (don’t men love saying they “scored” with a woman?), but they still can’t do their job without the defense. It takes a team to win (or lose) a game. And when it comes to sex, it takes two to tango, as the proverbial saying goes. So it’s just plain inconsistent & illogical to say that sex is good for one person & bad for another when they are quite literally doing the same thing.

Feel free to comment with your own thoughts on this matter. It’s always possible I’m just overreacting. But I think it’s very important that we consider the underlying messages we send to our society as a whole by even our most “off hand” comments. One could argue such comments reveal our true, underlying values, even if we aren’t fully cognizant of them.

Moral of the story: watch what you say around me. You might end up in a blog post!

Why We Shouldn’t Believe All Women


In case you haven’t heard there is currently a lawsuit in Pennsylvania regarding a teenage boy who was falsely accused of sexual assault.  Because of the false accusations, he was fired from his job, spent over a week in juvenile detention, was bullied endlessly, & was subjected to home electronic monitoring.  All based on accusations that later turned out to be complete lies!  If that’s not horrifying enough, the five girls who started all this have not been punished at all.  I don’t know about you but that makes me see about a thousand shades of red.  Which is another way of saying it makes me not just angry but downright irate.  If I had a son, I would probably be even more upset because I would be terrified this could happen to him someday.innocent

Here’s the thing that I don’t understand about modern feminism (actually there’s a lot of things I don’t understand about it but this is the main one): why are we so quick to dispense with innocent until proven guilty when a man is accused of something?  Why do we assume that women are inherently moral & truth-telling while men are inherently evil liars?  Why do we think it’s right to “believe all women” simply because they are women?  That’s just as absurd as believing all men simply because they are men, which is how the world used to operate.  There is no justice in turning things upside down to try to make up for history.  That’s just not how civilized society works, folks.constitution

Furthermore why are men held accountable for their actions- sometimes one they didn’t even commit, like in this case- while women frequently are not?  A perfect example is cases where both a man & woman are drunk & the man is charged with rape but the woman isn’t.  That makes no sense to me.  If they were both drunk, neither could truly consent!  So basically they “raped” each other.  It’s called poor choices, people, not actual rape/sexual assault.  If you don’t like that, sorry, I’m not sorry.  Clearly it’s a whole other story if someone spikes your drink or unwittingly gives you drugs & then takes advantage of your intoxicated state.  That is undoubtedly evil & should most definitely be punished.

feminism

I laughed…. but it’s true…

But these girls in Pennsylvania who have lied about sexual assault & ruined a boy’s life are getting off scot free.  That’s absurd!  In my mind that is not only beyond unfair but it is basically saying women aren’t responsible for their own actions- which is essentially saying we are not equal to men before the law!  I don’t know about you, but that does NOT sit well with me at all.  Is that not completely contradictory to the whole point of feminism?  I thought the whole point of feminism is that men & women are intellectual equals & should thus have equal rights & responsibilities.  evidence

[As an aside, the people for whom I have the most sympathy right now are those who truly have been raped or sexually assaulted.  They are having to hear about all these issues constantly in the media, as well as social media, which must be a horrible reminder of the trauma they have endured.  I have not experienced these things but I have certainly been sexually harassed on plenty of occasions (sometimes by men in power over me) & all this talk has brought back some less than fond memories that I’d rather not think about.  So I can only imagine how much worse it must be for those who have actually experienced sexual violence.]

christina hoff sommers

Sad but true

There is no doubt that statistically more women have been raped or sexually assaulted & that a woman’s chances of experiencing these horrifying events is significantly greater than that of a man’s.  But that does NOT mean we should dispense with innocent until proven guilty.  That does NOT mean we should automatically believe all women even without a shred of evidence.  That is just not how civilized society works, people. duke lacrosse

With the Duke lacrosse case, the UVA case in Rolling Stone, the Brian Banks case (an NFL player who spent years in prison due to a false rape charge), the Jemma Beale case, & this current case in PA, among others, I am seriously worried that we are going to end up raising a generation of men who DON’T believe ANY women.  And to me that is truly horrifying.  As far as I’m concerned, any woman who falsely accuses a man of sexual assault or rape should be punished the same way the man would have been punished if he actually had committed that crime.  Such women are only making things harder for the real victims out there which is truly tragic.  And yes, I realize the number of fake rape charges is overall fairly small.  But that doesn’t mean it isn’t important to address this issue.  Just because something is rare doesn’t make it less serious.brian banks

Sexual assault & rape are horrifying.  And there are definitely dozens of legitimate reasons why they are often unreported.  But the current climate of “believe all women” & dispensing with innocent until proven guilty isn’t helping anything either.  If anything it’s just antagonizing men & women against each other.  And that is the last thing we need if we truly want to tackle these issues & make some headway in the fight against sexual violence.

feminism modern

Thank goodness for the old school feminists who helped get us the right to vote & own property, etc.  But these modern hard core feminists have lost all sense of reason.

I am fully aware that writing this will possibly cost me some friends.  I am fully aware that some women will probably call me sexist against my own gender.  But frankly I don’t care anymore.  This is way too important of an issue for me to remain silent & if that costs me some “friends,” so be it.   

Dear Feminists, You’ve Got Some Explaining to Do


Dear Feminists,

You’ve got some explaining to do.  Just a few days ago it came to my attention that due to your efforts so-called “manspreading” has been banned on public transit in Madrid.  I had to stop myself from laughing in public when I first read this news.  Pray tell me, are you next going to campaign for a ban on obese people or people with luggage who also take up “too much space” on public transit?  It’s really the only logical conclusion at this point, yet somehow I doubt I’ll see you picketing for this.manspreading

Furthermore, in the past few months it’s become common practice for feminists to campaign for Sharia law (Linda Sarsour, anyone?).  Honestly just writing that sentence makes me want to puke. It’s full of such cognitive dissonance that I truly do not see how you can sleep with yourselves.  Feminists by definition are supposed to support equal rights & fair treatment of women, & yet here you are supporting a culture that continually tramples on women’s rights & treats them worse than cattle.

sharia law

And yet feminists are supporting this?!

For the life of me I cannot comprehend how anyone, much less an avowed feminist, could support a system that condones domestic abuse, child brides, & the killing of those guilty of such “crimes” as adultery, being raped, or simply being homosexual.  I thought modern feminists were all about tolerance of “alternative” lifestyles, yet here you are promoting a religious/cultural system that is about as far from tolerant as one can get.

rape culture

Say what?  You have got to be kidding me!

Before you get all self-righteous, yes, I know there are plenty of Christian & Jewish groups who are also guilty of all kinds of misdeeds against women (not to mention homosexuals) as well.  I am by no means excusing their behavior.  It’s just curious to me how those groups so quickly fall under your judgment while Muslims, even fundamentalist jihadist ones, have somehow morphed into a modern sacred cow that cannot be questioned.

And no, I am not naive enough to believe that all Muslims are terrible people.  Of course not.  But far be it from me to promote or ignore segments of Islamic (or any other) culture that so obviously disregard basic human rights for women.

womens rights

I think these women would be ashamed of what modern Feminism has become.

Modern feminists, it seems to me that your real goal is avoiding offending anyone, or at least anyone who you consider worthy (i.e. you couldn’t care less about offending white men of course).  Well, I’ve got news for you.  The world is offensive.  It’s heinous even, at times.  And much of that is never going to change.  But if you want to make the world a better place, stop focusing on non issues like “manspreading” & focus on things that are actually hurting women.  By all means campaign for better maternity leave in the U.S.  I’ll gladly join you on that one.  But let us not forget our sisters around the globe who don’t even have the luxury of campaigning for such things.  Let us not be so cowardly that we tolerate the mistreatment of women & other disenfranchised groups in the name of being inoffensive.offended meme

While horrific honor killings are becoming increasingly more common in European countries such as Germany, not to mention in Middle Eastern countries like Pakistan, you’re focused on how men sit on public transportation.  If this weren’t such a serious issue where lives are literally at stake it would be laughable.

So feminists, once again I say to you, you’ve got some explaining to do.

Sincerely,

A woman who is increasingly ashamed to call herself a feministhonor killings

[P.S. I’m not saying manspreading doesn’t exist or isn’t a problem.  But making it illegal is just plain silly.  If you’re such an independent strong woman, why don’t you just ask the guilty party to adjust his position a bit to make room for you?  Duh.]

I Am Not a Victim


Yesterday evening I came across a quote that resonated very strongly with me.  The quote is from an interview with former Guns & Roses & current Sixx A.M. guitarist DJ Ashba.  Ashba grew up with an extremely abusive father & when asked what advice he would give to kids growing up in difficult situations, he responded:

“No matter what you’ve been through in life, you must remind yourself that this is YOUR life. There’s nothing in life you can’t have if you want it bad enough. You just have to be willing to work as hard as it takes to get it.

You have two choices. You can sit around & feel sorry for yourself, or you can get up, dust yourself off, & never lose focus on your goals. Don’t ever let anyone discourage you & stand in your way. Use the negativity as motivation to fuel the fire inside you. Follow your heart, never doubt yourself, & always remember, the hardest part about reaching your dreams is never giving up.”  

(You can read more of that interview here.)dj-ashba

Now the rest of this post might be a little controversial but I’m going forward with it anyway because it’s something I’ve been needing to get off my chest lately.

Yes, I am a feminist in the sense that I absolutely support women having equal rights under the law & generally being treated as the capable human beings that we are.  As long as there are places in the world like Saudi Arabia where women are treated basically like cattle I absolutely believe that feminism is still a needed cause.alan-ball-quote

HOWEVER, I must go on record to say that there have been very few times in my life that I have ever felt that I have suffered or been mistreated because of my gender.  I read all the time  how girls suffer in American schools, particularly in the STEM fields, & how we women make less money than men, etc, etc.  I am not denying that there are some cases in which girls & women still face discrimination (particularly women who are also a racial/ethnic minority, which, to be clear, I am not).  However, I must say that from my own experience in school, all the way from kindergarten through high school, it was BOYS who I felt suffered.  I don’t know about the rest of y’all but when I was a kid it wasn’t exactly cool to be smart or get good grades.  But it was ok for girls.  To be clear, you weren’t going to win any popularity contests for being a nerdy girl but at the same time you could excel academically & not be sneered by most of your classmates.  On the other hand boys who excelled in the classroom, regardless of subject, were frequently subject to intense teasing & general disregard by other students, both male & female alike.  In my school there were very few males in any of the advanced learning programs.  I fail to believe this was because of a dearth of academically advanced boys.  Rather I think it was a symptom of the greater problem that being smart was considered especially uncool for boys so many male students chose to suppress their abilities in order to “save face.”victimhood-cartoon

I am not so naive as to think that my experience alone represents that of all women, even of my own age & demographic.  However, having spoken to many women of my generation from a great variety of areas throughout the US it seems to me that for the most part we have not faced a great deal of serious systematic discrimination, especially in the academic world.  Hell, women have been attending & graduating college at a greater rate than men for years now.  I’ve also read multiple times that women of my generation are, on average, actually making MORE money than our male counterparts.  In light of this, I think it’s time we dropped the victimhood game.

tammy-bruce-quote

Ironic, isn’t it?

Are there ways in which our society could improve to further help women?  Certainly.  Greater maternity leave would be a great one.  But so would greater paternity leave.  On that subject, fathers in this country have been systematically demeaned for decades now, & it’s obvious to me that we are now suffering the consequences.  Do a quick Google search & you will quickly find that children, regardless of gender, who grow up without a father are much more likely to suffer from pretty much every bad outcome (more likely to become teen parents, drop out of school, have behavioral issues, end up in jail or using drugs, etc).  fathers

All you have to do is turn on the TV to see that our society does not value fathers.  Fathers are consistently depicted, both in TV shows/movies & commercials, as bumbling idiots who are basically oversized children.  Maybe this is true for some men . . . But then one wonders if some men are like that because that’s the image that’s been shown to them for so many years now.  Don’t feminists often argue that women typically pursue more traditionally feminine careers such as nursing & teaching because those are the kinds of roles in which they see women depicted?  Feminists have argued for years that we need more female doctors, lawyers, politicians, engineers, etc so that little girls will see that they can become anything they want.  In theory I completely agree with this statement.  However, I find it interesting that no one seems to be arguing that we need more male teachers & nurses & other such traditionally feminine roles.  It’s my opinion that all fields could benefit from a more balanced gender ratio.  But it’s intriguing to me that it’s so easy to find scholarships for women seeking to enter traditionally masculine fields whereas you are hard pressed to find scholarships for men seeking to enter traditionally feminine fields, even if they face similar challenges in so doing.male-nurses

At the same time, I understand that there may never be as many female lawyers, politicians, or CEOs because most women simply don’t want to do that kind of work.  Or at least they don’t want to deal with the long hours & high demands of such careers, especially if they are also moms.  And I for one don’t see anything wrong with that.  Just as I don’t see anything wrong with the fact that we will probably never see as many stay at home dads as we see stay at home moms.

Call me insensitive, brainwashed, or stupid, but I for one think all of the recent focus on women’s rights in the US would be better spent focusing on parts of the world where women truly do not have basic human rights.  And just to be clear, having the government pay for your birth control is NOT a basic human right.  After all if we women are as strong & independent as men, why do we need the government to take care of us?  And if we’re truly such equals, why aren’t we eligible for the draft?  Funny how most feminists love to dodge that subject!  [To be clear, I’m not saying men are superior to women.  But I’m also not ignoring basic biology that makes it obvious that women are less suited to combat & thus shouldn’t be eligible for the draft (& probably shouldn’t be involved in combat at all, in my opinion).]  There are parts of the world where female babies are routinely aborted for being the “wrong” gender.  There are parts of the world where female rape victims are stoned or otherwise killed because of what a man forced on them.  And yet modern American feminists are bitching about men sitting on the subway with their legs spread too widely?  Get a damn life, y’all!
feminism-birthcontrol

I wrote all that to say this: yes, there have been a few times in my life when I wished I were male because I knew it would have made my life easier.  But those times have been few & far between.  Maybe I’ve just been lucky.  But my instinct tells me that most women, of my generation & in the US anyway, have had similar experiences.  At the end of the day I do not feel like a victim because I’m a woman.  I simply do not see myself that way, nor do I view my fellow females as such.  And I for one will not be raising my daughter to view herself as a victim.  I will be raising her to pursue her dreams, just as DJ Ashba encouraged us to do in the quote that started this post.

To end this post I’d like to share some quotes that I believe are relevant to this vicious cycle of victimhood that modern feminism seeks to perpetrate.victim-quote

“The rest of us have never embraced your victim mentality; we are not victims. We are people, the same way that men are. We are equal, yet different. We, unlike you, realize that is not mutually exclusive.”  ~ Lori Ziganto

“Stop bitching about everybody else & what they’ve done to you & start cleaning up your own shit yourself.  The only person who can make you a victim is you.”  ~ Max Patrick

“You cannot be happy if your primary identity is that of a victim, even if you really are one.”  ~ Dennis Prager

“Women’s liberation fought for the right of women to leave the home & become involved in the public sphere; feminists now want to convert this realm into a series of safe spaces & censored zones. If you don’t like what someone says to you on the street, say something back, put your headphones on, or just laugh – it’s really not that bad.”  ~ Ella Whelan

Can I get an AMEN?!

Monday Morning Musings


I’ve got a lot of random thoughts swimming around my head right now.  And no, they aren’t ALL about pregnancy, babies, or children.  In case you’re wondering, this isn’t going to turn into a “mommy blog,” although I’m sure I will have more posts about that subject than I did before, but I assure you it won’t be the main theme.

Anyway, some of these topics may evolve into their own blog posts later this week, but for now I’ll just do a brief visit on each subject as a means of clearing my mind.pregnancy boob cartoon

  • On Saturday I went to one of the local malls to look for new bras. Yes, I’m not even finished with the first trimester (getting close though), & already my old bras have gotten too tight to be comfortable.  Woohoo!  Haha!  Anyway, there I am in Motherhood Maternity trying on bras when the saleswoman starts going on & on to me about how horrible her pregnancies were & how she desperately hopes she isn’t pregnant again.  As if that weren’t bizarre enough, she then goes on to say that I better hope my baby isn’t a girl because “girls are so much harder.”  (Did I mention I was trying on bras during all of this?!)  Unfortunately this isn’t the first time I’ve been told this.  As early as last year when I was just talking about having kids several women told me to hope for boys because “they’re easier.”  I’ve always found such comments incredibly rude & obnoxious, & I think the fact that they’ve always come from women makes them even worse.  How do these women not realize that they are perpetuating negative stereotypes against their own gender?  It’s very obvious to me that it all boils down to parents being afraid that their daughters will get pregnant & become a burden on them.  I understand this is a legitimate fear, but if we raised our kids in such a way that sex wasn’t completely off the table for discussion or always regarded as something dirty to which they can’t have access, maybe we wouldn’t have to worry so much about such things.  And shouldn’t parents of boys be equally worried that their sons will impregnate someone at an early age or disadvantageous time?  If I have sons I sure as hell will be.  And maybe we wouldn’t have to worry so much about our daughters getting hurt by men if we as a society raised better men.  Hmm, just a thought . . . No matter what your thoughts are on the subject, I just think it is unacceptable to make such comments, especially to a complete stranger!  Additionally, I just can’t help but wonder if women who make such comments treat their daughters differently than their sons.  I certainly am incredibly grateful that my mom (& dad) never once made me feel like I was more difficult or a greater burden to them because I was a girl.  Also next time someone makes such a comment to me (because sadly I’m sure it will happen again) I sincerely hope that instead of just being flabbergasted & saying nothing at all I will have the courage to tell them exactly where to get off.  In a relatively polite way of course.tony porter quote boy girl
  • The next subject actually deals with gender as well. Living in NC naturally there are all kinds of memes floating around the internet about the whole transgender bathroom issue.  I understand that some people have legitimate concerns that sexual predators will start using the women’s bathroom as a way to target females.  However, in my opinion the likelihood of this happening is no greater now than it ever has been.  I certainly have trouble believing that a cisgender heterosexual male is going to pretend to be transgender, one of the most misunderstood & generally disliked groups of people in our society, & dress up as a woman just to get into the women’s bathroom & have a chance of harassing someone.  But that’s not really what I want to discuss today.  What really bothers me about this whole issue is the complete lack of empathy I’m seeing over & over again in regard to the transgender community.  And a lot of this is coming from people I genuinely love & respect!  I just don’t understand how otherwise decent people can have so little empathy for someone who identifies with the opposite gender.  Do these people really think someone would CHOOSE to feel that way with all of the difficulties it entails just for the hell of it?  That’s absurd.  Besides which, if you really think about it, a person who is biologically a male but identifies as a woman & chooses to live as a woman is quite likely actually attracted to men & probably has no sexual interest in women anyway.  But that’s really all beside the point.  It’s the total lack of empathy surrounding this issue that just makes me want to pull out my hair & throw up my hands in defeat. empathy
  • Is it bizarre that the idea of potty-training my kids scares me more than teaching them about sex or death or other such traditionally “difficult” subjects? I was awake at 0500 today pondering such things as how to teach my kids fractions & basic math.  Somehow this seems more intimidating than teaching them all the “hard” stuff, which is kind of ironic considering I’ve always been really good at math anyway.  I just have this irrational fear that I won’t be able to figure out the “easy,” basic stuff like potty-training or teaching my kids to tie their shoes.  I know it’s irrational but that doesn’t stop me from worrying about these things sometimes.  Overall though I am extremely proud of myself for how relaxed I’ve been throughout this pregnancy so far.

    Gee, how long does it take to litter train one of these?

    Too funny!

  • I have never been the jealous type but there is this one girl who goes to my gym who is just so beautiful & in such perfect shape that I can’t help but feel a pang of jealousy every time I see her. Her face is beautiful, her hair is gorgeous, her skin is flawless, & she has the perfect amount of nicely defined muscles while still having plenty of curves.  But when I saw her yesterday it occurred to me that no matter how “perfect” she may seem to me, I have no idea how she actually feels about herself.  For all I know she could be jealous of girls like me who have considerably bigger boobs!  The point is we all have our own “hang-ups,” our own insecurities about our so-called “flaws” that in reality most other people probably never even notice.insecurity quote

Well, those are my thoughts for today.  As I said, some of these topics may evolve into separate blog posts later this week, but for now I hope these discussions were both humorous & thought-provoking.  Happy Monday, everyone!