respect

On Sexual Harassment From Strangers


I decided to go to the gym this afternoon & on the way there I realized my gas tank was on E, so I stopped to fill it.  There I was, innocently pumping gas, when some nitwit comes up behind me & calls out to me.  Naturally I turned around thinking maybe the man needed directions or something.  Instead he proceeds to leer at me & say “Does your husband know how lucky he is?  If not, there’s a bunch of men who could get you.”  I was so completely taken by surprise that my only response was to flippantly say “Have a nice day” & walk (read: run) away.'BOY that REALLY makes my skin crawl when MEN undress you with their eyes!...'

I spent the next 5-10 minutes hyperventilating & driving a somewhat circuitous route to the gym just to ensure that I wasn’t being followed (thankfully I wasn’t).  When I parked at the gym, I sat in my car in tears wondering once again if I have a sign on my forehead, of which I’m blissfully unaware, which reads something along the lines of “I’m so innocent & trusting.  Please take advantage of me!”  But the fact of the matter is crap like this happens all the time to women all over the world.  My female friends who are reading this are surely nodding along in agreement because many, nay, most of them, have told me similar stories of creepy strangers who have made similar disturbing remarks to them.  And worse yet, some have even been physically assaulted.

When stories like this are told, many jump to asking “Well, what were you wearing?” as if that were somehow relevant.  Let me be the first to say that such information isn’t the least bit germane to the conversation at hand, considering Channing Tatum could be pumping gas in nothing but his boxers & 99.99% of women would never dream of coming up to him & asking “Does your wife know how lucky she is?  If not there are plenty of women who could get you.”  The point is no matter what a woman (or man) is wearing (or not wearing), no one has the right to treat her (or him) with disrespect.

And just in case anyone reading this feels like railing against the younger generation & saying we have no respect for anyone, let me be clear in stating that today’s creeper, along most every other man who’s ever harassed me in a similar fashion, was at least in his 40s, if not considerably older.respect 1

Let me also be clear in saying that I am not one of these women who thinks every man who says hello to them or touches them in any way is harassing them.  Indeed, I once got asked out at the gym, but I in no way found that intimidating or rude because it was done in a nice, respectful manner.  I’ll admit it made me a little uncomfortable but only because it reminded me that I am in fact not invisible at the gym as I usually wish I were.

Now that all of that is out of the way, let me move on with my narrative . . .enough is enough

This isn’t a treatise against men.  Indeed I’m incredibly thankful for the many wonderful men in my life, from my loving husband to my father, grandfather, & many other male friends & family members whom I feel blessed to know.  But I can’t let something like this happen to me without saying something.  I refuse to live my life thinking of every man as a potential rapist or harasser, & yet I know that men like the one I unfortunately encountered today take advantage of the fact that so many women like me operate under the assumption “innocent until proven guilty.”  (This is not to say I invite strange men into my house.  Indeed, I almost never open the door to solicitors when my husband isn’t home.  I just mean that I generally assume the best of people until shown otherwise.)  And sadly most women placed in situations like mine today react in much the same way I did: we’re too flabbergasted to come up with a response that sufficiently puts the creeper in his place.  While we should be telling them we’re not pieces of meat to be acquired, most of us are too stunned to say much of anything at all.

This is mostly a joke, but there's some truth in it too.

This is mostly a joke, but there’s some truth in it too.

I consider myself to be a fairly strong, independent woman.  I have a good career, financial stability (even without my husband’s salary), & a good head on my shoulders.  And yet situations like today make me acutely aware of just how vulnerable I really am.  Despite the fact that I work out quite a bit & am definitely stronger than the average woman, the simple truth is that even guys half my age could easily beat me up if they really wanted to.  It happens much more often than I like to admit that I get off a machine at the gym thinking how awesome it is that I was able to do 50 lbs or whatever when I used to only be able to do 20 lbs, only to watch some scrawny thirteen year old boy hop on the machine & pop out 75 or 100 lbs like it’s nothing.  It’s just biology, that’s all.men-vs-women1

If you’re a man who is reading this post, you’re probably already the type who is far too respectful to ever consider approaching a woman the way this man approached me today.  Yet I can’t help but ask that men consider what it’s like for us as women in a world in which we are clearly the more vulnerable half of the population.

Let me be clear: this is not a pity party I’m throwing.  I’m not asking for your sympathy.  Only for your empathy.  Situations like today make me realize how difficult it must be for all the good men in the world because the creepers of the world are giving your gender a bad name.  If I’m capable of being empathetic towards men even after being so unceremoniously harassed today, I think it’s not too much to ask that we raise our sons to respect women & treat us like the human beings we are.empathy

Here’s what I wish I’d had the presence of mind to say to the asshole who felt it necessary to intimidate me today:
“Yes, my husband knows exactly how lucky he is to be with me, just as I know how lucky I am to be with him.  Additionally, I am not some piece of meat or object to be acquired.  My husband did not “get” me.  I chose to be with him because I wanted to be with him just as much as he wanted to be with me.  On behalf of the other innocent women of the world whom I’m sure you’ve similarly disrespected, let me be clear in saying you’re a miserable, disgusting wanker who needs to get the hell out of my way . . . On that note, have a nice day!”

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This is Why You’re an Asshole


Let me preface this rant by saying that I am NOT one of those annoying women who think all men are evil or out to get them.  I’ve known far too many truly decent caring men in my life to write off the whole gender as sick & depraved.  My husband & many of my male friends & family members are proof positive to me that plenty of truly good men do exist in this world.  But to that certain segment of the male population who do NOT fit that description, this letter is for you.  (To clarify, this post was inspired by events that have happened to me or to friends of mine who have described those events to me.)women not pieces of meat

Dear Sir,

I know you are probably nowhere near self-aware enough to wonder why so many women think all men are assholes.  Or why you might in fact actually deserve that title, but I’ll take the time to try to enlighten you today anyway.

You, sir, are an asshole because you greeted me, a potential customer in your restaurant, with the singularly annoying phrase “Hey, girl.”  Now if I knew you personally, or even if I were just a frequent customer whose face you recognized (meaning I too would recognize you), I can assure you I wouldn’t think twice about this greeting.  But when we are both strangers to each other, far be it from you to assume such a level of familiarity with me where none such exists.self respect

You, sir, are an asshole because the moment I walked into the room I felt your gaze upon me, undressing me with your eyes without even trying to hide it.  I’m fully aware that I cannot control what goes on in your mind, just as you cannot control what goes on in mine, but you CAN control your eyes & they do not have to continually stare at me or at any other woman just because we were unfortunate enough to cross your path today.  I’m sure you’re not self-aware enough to realize it, but your staring & the knowing glances shared with your equally disgusting peers are really quite intimidating, not to mention annoying.  Perhaps you DO realize it & that is one reason you partake in such behavior . . . You’re an asshole either way.'BOY that REALLY makes my skin crawl when MEN undress you with their eyes!...'

You, sir, are an asshole because although you probably don’t even know my name, the minute I said hello you felt it necessary to make a joke that implied that I was desperate to sleep with you.  There was never any chance of such a thing, but even if there had been, you’d have erased it all now anyway.  Get over yourself.  There is nothing more unattractive than a man who thinks he’s God’s gift to women.

You, sir, are an asshole because I heard you making comments about my body as I was leaving the room.  As my manager & someone who’s never even been nice to me at all, you do NOT have such privileges.  And I WILL call you out on it, & if that makes me a bitch in your eyes, trust me, I couldn’t care less.

You, sir, are an asshole because I heard you call the last girl you hooked up with a slut, but you slept with her too, so what does that say about you?

You, sir, are an asshole because you think it’s your God-given right to touch every woman who crosses your path.  Newsflash: it’s not.respect

Just to be clear, if you are friends with a woman & for some reason you should find yourself fantasizing or otherwise thinking about having sex with her, that does not automatically make you an asshole.  That just makes you a human being.  (Trust me, women think about sex a lot more than most of us would care to admit.)  I think it’s only natural to feel a certain amount of chemistry with your friends of the opposite sex because relationships really are just friendships “on steroids” so to speak.  As with anything in life, it’s all about what you do with those thoughts & feelings.

In case you haven’t picked up on it yet, here’s the underlying theme: any time you assume too much familiarity with a woman you really don’t know that well, you’re probably being an asshole.  As much as I hate to admit it, although mentally I know we are equals, physically I know I am not a match for you.  Trust me, I don’t live my life thinking of all men as potential rapists & murderers or anything so absurd as all that.  BUT I cannot change the fact that biology has made you bigger & stronger than me, & thus I expect a certain level of respect because of that.  (Actually it has more to do with just being a fellow HUMAN BEING) . . . In other words, if you’re my friend, if you have proven to me over time that I can trust you, then our interactions can assume a level of familiarity that would make me uncomfortable if we were strangers.  (Just to be clear, it’s really not all that different with other women.  After all I don’t mind a bit if my female friends ask me questions about sex or their bodies or whatever, but I’d be pretty horrified if a woman I don’t know at all asked me such things.)not all men are jerks

A side note to any ladies who are reading this:

For the love of logic, please let’s stop tolerating such indecent behavior from those select men who behave in such ways as I’ve described today.  And please let’s stop whining that all men are evil & only interested in sex when most of us who say such things do everything in our power to attract only the worst sort of men.  And I’m calling myself out on this one, but please let’s have the guts to stand up for ourselves when we do encounter a true asshole.

At the end of the day it all comes down to self-respect.  I for one have far too much of it to tolerate this bullshit.

Good day.

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10 Ways to Simplify Relationships


Perhaps it’s because my husband is traveling for his job but I’ve spent a lot of time this week thinking about relationships & how people tend to make them way more complicated than they need to be.  May I be the first to admit this includes myself sometimes, lest I should sound like I’m implying that I’m some kind of relationship guru which I clearly am not?  I’m not even sure such a thing exists.  Anyhow, I’ve been slacking off on my blog posts this week, which might seem like a sign that I’ve run out of ideas, but what it actually means is that I’ve been overwhelmed by ideas, yet haven’t been able to light on any of them.  In any case I’ve decided to compile a list of ways to simplify relationships & thus simplify life.  Here we go.

  1. Be honest about what you want out of a relationship from the very beginning.  If you want a friends with benefits type of arrangement, say so.  If someone tells you that’s what they want & you aren’t truly in agreement, for the love of YOURSELF, say so.  Don’t pretend to be ok with something you aren’t & then be surprised when it doesn’t work out later.  On the other hand if you’re serious about a relationship, say so.  I’m not advocating proposing marriage on a first date, but don’t be afraid to say you’re serious.  And don’t be afraid to say no to someone who is serious about you if you truly don’t reciprocate.  Again, pretending never ends well.  Have enough self-respect to be honest about your feelings & goals from square one.  This leads right into number two.
  2. Give respect.  Get respect.  It really is that simple.  Don’t play mind games with anyone.  Don’t “test” someone by asking to spend time with an ex or some childish prank like that, just to see how they react.  Just be forthright and respectful.  Treat the other person the way you want to be treated.  Don’t expect special treatment because of your gender or anything else.  Be an adult.
  3. Don’t place unrealistic expectations on your partner (or yourself).  Getting married or being in any serious relationship doesn’t mean you sign away your humanity.  Regardless of your gender, you will inevitably still be attracted to other people, & that doesn’t lessen the love you feel for your partner.  It’s just part of being a human being.  Just be cognizant of it & know your limits.  Don’t be one of those childish people who expects their partner to suddenly think they are the only sexy person on planet Earth.  That just screams of insecurity.  Just let out all of your sexual energy on each other & you’ll be just fine.
  4. Never stop getting to know your partner.  After you’ve been together a long time, it’s so easy to think you’ve already figured someone out & to stop putting in the time to really understand each other because you think you already know it all.  Trust me, I know.  My husband & I had been together almost a decade by the time we got married.  But I’m still pleasantly surprised to find out that we don’t know everything about each other.  There is always more to learn & that’s part of what makes a relationship fun.  As an addendum, if your relationship is right, marriage shouldn’t change things very much because the relationship was already there.
  5. Don’t make someone a priority who doesn’t do the same for you.  If a guy likes you, he WILL call you back.  And vice versa.  Someone who cares for you & respects you WILL make time for you, WILL get to know you, & will even make time for your friends & family because they know those people are important to you.  They WILL support your dreams & goals in life & will in fact expect you to have dreams & goals.
  6. Don’t over-analyze or make up excuses for bad behavior.  If someone treats you poorly, do yourself the justice of walking away.  The Perks of Being a Wallflower got it right: we accept the love we think we deserve.  If you find that your partners are always treating you badly, think about what that says about how you view yourself.  I’m not excusing bad behavior.  I’m just saying don’t expect someone to change.  If they really love you, they’ll treat you right from the beginning.  Where’s the motivation to change for the better if you’re always there “rewarding” them even when they treat you like crap?  Sorry if that’s blunt, but relationships can be messy.  It’s all this silly beating around the bush nonsense that makes them so much more complicated than they need to be.
  7. Realize that deep down we are all still pretty primal.  This is why no matter how unfair it is women are judged much more harshly for their sexual decisions than men.  Is it fair?  No.  But biologically it actually DOES make sense.  (We’re the ones who can get pregnant so it makes sense that biologically we’d be inclined to be a bit more discriminating about our partners.)  No matter how enlightened & empowered we are, we women ARE more sexually vulnerable whether we like it or not.  This doesn’t excuse bad behavior on the part of men.  No way.  I’m not saying we can’t rise above our “animal instincts.”  Men are perfectly capable of being committed & faithful, as are women.  I’m just saying that we need to realize why men think the way they do & why women think the way they do.
  8. This one is crucial but is really hard to put into words.  Look for the guy or girl who is good in all the right ways & bad in all the right ways.  I don’t know how to write this out, but you probably know what I mean.  As with everything in life, it’s all about balance & moderation.  James M Sama wrote a fabulous blog post about this idea, & there is no way I can say it as well as he did so I’m just going to leave you the link to his brilliant article: http://jamesmsama.wordpress.com/2013/06/11/the-difference-between-a-bad-boy-and-a-jerk/
  9. Don’t feel the need to spend every single second together.  A truly great relationship will give you the confidence to be alone sometimes.  Or to be apart & know that things are still going to be ok.  If your partner wants a day or two to spend with their friends or family without you, let them.  Couples who really trust each other don’t feel the need to be together 24/7.  You were a person before you met your partner & you’re still your own person even with them.  Don’t forget that.
  10. This one is a big one & might cause some controversy but I’m going to write it anyway because I truly believe it . . . Give up on the idea that there is only ONE RIGHT PERSON for you.  The older I get the more I believe that there is a right TYPE for everyone & that you may very well meet several people in your life with whom you could be very happy in a relationship.  Notice I didn’t say anyone will be PERFECT for you.  There is no Mr. or Mrs. Perfect because human beings are inherently flawed.  But there are plenty of great people out there, a few of whom might be wonderful matches for you.  When you find one, be smart enough to go after them.  When you’ve got one, hold onto them.  Someone else may cross your path who might also be a great match but don’t ruin what you’ve already got on a chance at something else.  I’m a big believer in science & logic so I wish I could say there was a scientific way to KNOW when you’ve met one of these RIGHT people, but there isn’t.  You just know.  I always remember hearing that as a kid & thinking it was ridiculous.  But it’s so true.  You know when you meet a friend & you just know right off that you really “click” & that this person is going to be a friend for life?  It’s very much like that.  As I’ve said many times before, relationships are really just friendships with a bit of amplification so to speak.

Well, I hope you have found this list intriguing.  As I said, I’m no relationship guru or expert by any means.  I’m just trying to spread a little logic & wisdom into the very chaotic world of relationships that exists in our society.  I’m by no means 100% faithful to all of these tenets at all times, but I do try my best & in writing this I have renewed my devotion to putting these ideas into place in my own marriage.  I hope perhaps you too have found a little inspiration.  I truly believe simplifying relationships can actually make them deeper & more fulfilling.  The simple life really is the best.  Cheers!

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10 Reasons Why Growing Up Doesn’t Actually Suck


It doesn’t take a genius to realize that our modern society values youth very highly.  Turn on the TV or flip through any magazine & you will be greeted with a veritable host of ads showcasing products that proclaim they can “erase wrinkles,” “cover up greys,” or “give you the energy of youth,” etc, etc.  In the media we are constantly assaulted with pictures of young hot celebrities & on a more day-to-day level we inevitably hear people making comments about how much getting old & growing up sucks.  Since graduating from college I have even noticed a difference in the things I see on Facebook.  I now see a lot of statuses about how much “real life” sucks & there seems to be a ridiculous amount of nostalgia going around for the innocence & simplicity of childhood.  Now I for one spent a great deal of my childhood & adolescence pining for adulthood & the freedoms it would bring.  Perhaps in some ways it’s sad that I didn’t just enjoy my life to the fullest at those stages as I suppose most kids/teens do.  But I have to say that even though being an adult is hard, I for one am not disappointed at all.  I am happier now than I’ve ever been.  One of my greatest goals in life is to always retain the energy & vibrancy of youth while balancing this with the wisdom & serenity of getting older.  So today I thought I’d compile a list of reasons why growing up doesn’t actually suck.  In truth there are a lot of things I LOVE about getting older & I think our society could certainly use a reminder of these things from time to time, so here we go:

growing up

  1. Growing up means no longer having to obsess over every facet of your appearance.  I don’t know about the rest of y’all, but when I was a teenager I spent entirely too much time worrying about every tiny bit of my appearance.  If even one hair was out of line, I was sure I looked horrible & that everyone was secretly laughing at me.  Though I’ve never been the type to really follow fashion trends, I still felt the need to be as “in style” as possible.  Well, one of the great things about getting older is the ability to just not give a crap about such things.  And to know that you are better off because of it.  I don’t mean that I don’t care about looking my best; I certainly do.  But if I have a “bad hair day” or a day when my acne is acting up & making my face look like a teenager’s all over again, I have the maturity to know that this too shall pass.  I also know that if anyone thinks less of me for not wearing the trendiest clothes or not having perfect skin or anything superficial like that, then those people aren’t worth worrying about anyway.  I’m far from the confident person I hope to be someday but I’ve also come a long way from the girl I used to be, & I’m proud of that.
  2. Growing up means realizing that your mom was right when she said it was more important to be respected than to be liked.  Don’t get me wrong; I’m a born people-pleaser.  It just comes naturally to me to want to make others happy & to be well-liked by everyone.  But I have learned to temper that when necessary because I have discovered that it truly is impossible to please everyone all the time.  And that’s ok.  It’s just life.
  3. Stemming from the last point, getting older means having the courage to say no to people who are just trying to use you to their own advantage.  It means having enough self-respect to not waste your valuable time on people who don’t actually care about you.  Getting older means realizing that your worth is not diminished by those who do not recognize or appreciate you.  This gives you the confidence to say no to those who do not actually have your best interests at heart.
  4. Getting older means not having to panic every time something doesn’t go “your way.”  It means realizing that just because you’ve had a bad day or even a bad week, month, or year, it doesn’t mean you’re doomed to have a bad life.  And getting older means realizing that your attitude is the greatest determinant in your own happiness.  (This is both scary & enlightening.  I could write a whole blog post on this subject & I probably will soon.)
  5. Getting older means learning how to agree to disagree.  It means building friendships with people who are vastly different from you & instead of trying to “convert” them you are content to learn from each other & use your differences to build a stronger relationship.
  6. Getting older means independence.  Ah, what a glorious word!  This is what I longed for so much as a child.  I know most people end up regretting such longings because they say the price of freedom is too great.  But I disagree.  I think if you make good decisions in life, you will set yourself up for success & you’ll be able to reap the rewards of independence to the fullest.  I love that as an adult I can choose my career, my spouse, where I live, what house to buy, what to wear, who to be friends with, where to go to school, what to eat, basically everything!
  7. Growing up means realizing that there is no one right way for everyone in life.  There’s nothing more freeing than understanding that there is no exact prescription for success that every person must follow.  Growing up means having the freedom to make mistakes & learn from them.
  8. Growing up means realizing that sometimes life sucks.  It means looking evil in the face & realizing that this world is a cold & scary place.  (That wasn’t supposed to rhyme…)  I know this must seem like a bad thing.  And it’s this loss of innocence that so many people mourn so greatly.  But I’ve never understood why people celebrate innocence so much.  It’s nothing more than an illusion.  For of what value is happiness if it’s based on something that is fake?  To me that’s what “innocence” is.  It’s the happiness that comes from not realizing how bad the world can really be.  I think the happiness we can experience as adults is all the greater because we have had to see so many of the dark sides of life too.  Which is of greater value: the happiness of a child who does not yet understand the world or the happiness of an adult who has looked into the pit of hell, faced the monsters of the world, & come out alive?  Maybe I was a weird child (ok, who am I kidding, I was DEFINITELY a weird child for a number of reasons), but I don’t ever remember feeling the type of blissfully ignorant happiness that people always talk about children experiencing.  In any case, I believe the happiness & love we can experience as adults is all the greater because it’s a real choice.  We have chosen to seek joy even though we have seen that life is often cruel & unfair.  We have chosen to seek peace even though we know that life can be violent to even the meekest of us.  This thought process requires a bit of mental gymnastics at times but I truly believe I am happier now than I’ve ever been.  Yes, I have days when I look at the world & feel like there’s no hope.  But those days aren’t the norm & when they do happen I have the wisdom to know those feelings will pass.  Whew, that was a deep one.
  9. Growing up means realizing that the journey is as important as the destination.  It means understanding that life is short & we truly must live every day like it’s our last, as cliché as that may be.
  10. Getting older means realizing that just because your life isn’t perfect doesn’t mean it isn’t great.  It’s so easy to look in the mirror & think “I’d be so much prettier if my nose were just a little straighter” or “I’d be so much happier if I could afford that fancy car I’ve always wanted” or any number of such things.  It’s so easy to compare yourself to your friends, coworkers, or even celebrities & feel like your life just doesn’t measure up.  But growing up means realizing that everyone’s life isn’t measured against the same yardstick.  We all have our own meter for success & happiness & that’s the only one that really matters.

 As an addendum, if anyone wants to help me create better titles for my blog posts, that would be awesome.  I like to think I’m a pretty decent writer but when it comes to creating titles for papers, essays, poems, or blog posts, I’m always at a loss, as you can clearly see by the super clever title of this post.  😉

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The Purity Myth


It took a lot of courage for me to write this, much less actually post it.  This is a topic which most people are not comfortable discussing but it’s a topic that I think is very important & thus bears discussing regardless of how awkward it might be.  Being a nurse I have lost a lot of my sense of what is normal conversation because I am so used to dealing with & talking about every bodily function known to man.  However, I know this post is of a sensitive nature & may provoke a lot of criticism, perhaps even from some people close to me.  But again I think this subject is too important to bypass.  With that being said, here goes.

the purity myth 2

I’ve just finished reading a fascinating book called The Purity Myth: How America’s Obsession with Virginity is Hurting Young Women by Jessica Valenti.  This is one of those books that I can’t help but feel like the author was reading my mind when she wrote it.  I love that feeling!  In this book Valenti asserts (with a great deal of evidence to support her claims) that the “purity or virginity movement” is hurting women, especially young women, by basing their value on their sexuality (or lack thereof) & is thus not much different than the hyper-sexualization of women that the purity movement claims to  hate so much.  What a refreshing concept!  Indeed it’s an idea that I have often considered even before reading this book.  I’ve often thought how paradoxical it is that our society is so hyper-sexualized in the sense of what we see in the media & what we actually discuss in real life.  Why is it that sexualized music videos are the norm & porn is ubiquitous & yet the average American is still shy about discussing real sexual issues?  Why is it common practice for parents to buy their teens (or even younger children) video games that promote violent sexuality such as Grand Theft Auto & yet most parents don’t have the first clue how to have a conversation about sex with their teenagers?  Is it any wonder that teen pregnancy is still rampant in this country especially in light of the fact that a great deal of “sex ed” in this country is still abstinence-only education (I use the term education lightly b/c real sex education involves actually conveying factual information, something that abstinence-only education by its very nature cannot do; I know this from personal experience).

This is the twenty-first century & yet we women are still very much defined by our sexuality.  On one hand the right-wing conservatives value us only as pure virgins who “save ourselves” for marriage, who go so far as to say that a woman who has sex before marriage has “devalued herself.”  Even as a teenager I couldn’t help but see through this argument.  Hello, you’ll probably deny it but you’re telling me that my only worth is in relation to my body.  I’m sorry but I can’t & won’t ascribe to that method of thinking.  If that makes me a whore in your book, I’ll gladly wear that label.  Ha!

On the other hand we have a great deal of the media telling us as women that our only value is in being sexy & desirable to men.  Again our value is based on our bodies & our sexuality.  And again I’m not buying it.  I for one know that I am so much more than my sexuality (while I also know that my sexuality isn’t something to be ashamed of contrary to what the purity movement would say.)

[In case anyone thinks I’m promoting the “hook-up” culture, let me be clear & say that I am not.  I personally am of the belief that sex is something very special that should only be shared between two consenting caring individuals.  But I’m also not saying that marriage is the only scenario under which sex should happen.  That’s just not practical (or even logical in my mind).]

This book also discusses the ridiculous way in which our society deals with rape.  It’s shameful to admit that as a society we still spend a great deal of time blaming the victim, but we do.  Regarding what other crime do you hear people say things like “Well, she was asking for it?”  Or “What was she doing out late at night on that street?”  The hardest thing for me to admit with this argument is that I used to say such things.  I really did.  And I hate myself for buying into such ridiculous notions that men are animals that cannot be stopped.  The older I am & the more I observe society the more I just cannot believe such an idiotic lie.  Men are not naturally uncontrollable sexual beasts any more than women are naturally sexually reticent.  Both are lies created to control women & enforce “traditional” gender stereotypes which in the end are damaging to both men & women.

In many people’s eyes I am probably a feminist.  But I don’t really think of myself that way.  I just think of myself as a humanist.  I want all people everywhere to be respected & treated well not because they are men or women but because they are HUMAN BEINGS.  I’m certainly not a radical feminist who tries to assert that men & women are completely equal.  They aren’t in some ways.  Duh.  Women are not as strong as men physically.  But men can’t have babies.  And without both genders the human race could not perpetuate itself.  (On particularly cynical days when I am thoroughly disgusted with the human race I sometimes wonder if that wouldn’t be such a bad thing, but thankfully those days are pretty rare.)  But I do believe that women should receive equal pay for equal work & that the onus for rape prevention should be on teaching men that such behavior is unacceptable.  And I do believe that the purity myth is hurting women as much as the hyper-sexualization culture is also hurting women.  The end result of both is that women are seen as objects: objects without their own opinions, desires (sexual or otherwise), or dreams.  And I for one refuse to believe that my value as a human being is based solely or even principally on my sexuality.

Regardless of whether you agree with me or not, I’d love to hear your opinions on this matter.  That goes for guys & girls!

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