There is something about Russian classical music that speaks to my heart in a way that nothing else can. I’m listening to Rimsky-Korsakov’s Russian Easter Festival Overture as I’m typing this, & I swear my mood lifted within the first ten seconds of the song. I actually played this piece in my high school marching band a little over a decade ago, & I’m not sure what made me think of it today but I am so glad I did. If you’re having a rough day (or a great one for that matter), take a few moments to listen to this gorgeous piece & allow its beauty to enrapture your soul.
Now that I’m a little more sane I just wanted to write that today I am struggling, struggling with motherhood & just with life in general. There are days when I feel like there just isn’t enough of me to give, & this is one of them. I’m not sure why I’m feeling this way today, but I am, & that’s all that really matters. Actually it’s probably because Rachel has been fighting sleep all day long & is FINALLY napping for more than about 20 minutes which is why I’m taking advantage of this time to try to clear my mind.
Anyway, it’s days like this when I get so frustrated with all the people who constantly tell me Rachel is such an easy baby. I know they mean well & in many ways maybe she is an easy baby, but the truth of the matter is there ARE no easy babies. All babies are challenging! And maybe, just maybe, they’re a little more challenging when you don’t have any family nearby & you had no real experience with babies prior to being a mom & you have your own preexisting anxiety issues, as is the case for me. I’m not looking for sympathy here. I’m just saying it’s really frustrating when people tell me my baby is so easy because then when I find myself struggling, like today, I inevitably start wondering what’s wrong with me & how I’ll ever manage if I have another baby someday who is actually “difficult.”
People also frequently tell me that I’m going to miss these days in the not so distant future. But the truth of the matter is I’m not so sure I will. And of course that makes me wonder if I’m a bad mom. But I’ve jut never been a baby/toddler person & being a mom hasn’t really changed that. Trust me, I love my daughter more than life itself, but I don’t think the baby/toddler stage will ever be my favorite. So in the future when she is older if I don’t find myself longing for these days, is that really such a bad thing? I don’t think so.
Well, that’s all I’ve got today. I’m just trying to clear my mind so I can be more rational once Rachel wakes up again. I also figured maybe there is another mom out there somewhere who is struggling & wondering if she’s inadequate because she isn’t totally loving the baby stage. If so, please know you’re not alone, & you’re not a bad mom. Some women are baby people & some of us aren’t. And neither is better than the other. We just are. Lastly, I’d like to send a huge thank you to all the moms who frequently take the time to encourage me & remind me that I’m doing a good job, even when I sometimes feel like I’m just not up to par. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I hope someday I can encourage other moms the way y’all have done for me.