Prozac Makes Me a Better Person

I had a whole other blog post typed up & ready to go, just a few minor edits needed, but I decided it was going to have to wait because this is more important. As some of you know, I started this blog almost a decade ago largely as a way to manage my own anxiety & also just because I’ve always loved writing. Writing has been a therapeutic exercise for me for almost as long as I can remember. Anyway, maybe a year or two after I started the blog, I ended up starting medication for my anxiety. I had tried therapy, music, writing, exercise, etc, but I had just gotten to the point that I knew I needed more. My therapist at the time was the one who encouraged me to start medication because she realized that I had exhausted my other resources. It was very difficult for me to admit that I needed medical help for something as “silly” as anxiety, but once I started Prozac I found myself asking “Why the hell didn’t I try this sooner?” I’ve remained on Prozac (actually the generic form fluoxetine, but I’ll just refer it to as Prozac here for simplicity’s sake) for the majority of the past eight years or so. I’ve been able to get off of it for a few months here & there, but I always come back to it sooner or later. It’s always a very low dose & it’s entirely possible that the positive effects I see from it are all a placebo effect, but at this point I don’t care. Results are results, right?

To be clear, I am not necessarily your “typical” anxious person. My anxiety is not the stereotypical kind where you sit around imagining horrible scenarios like car crashes or cancer or things like that. Interestingly, I am in many ways NOT a “worry wart.” For example, when I got married, multiple people told me “You are the most chill bride I’ve ever met!” Furthermore, public speaking has never much bothered me, which is odd for an anxious person, nor have I ever had real testing anxiety. My anxiety, as I’ve written about before, manifests in different ways. It’s more of a heightened sense of awareness, a tendency toward OCD behaviors (or at least OCD thinking), a brain that just NEVER SHUTS UP (people have often told me I think too much- but I don’t know how not to!), a tendency to go “from zero to 60” in just a few seconds. By the latter I mean that when something goes wrong, I often get stuck in a flight/freeze response, rather than being able to actually address the situation productively. Honestly, I struggle to really explain my issues, but an incident happened last night that may serve as a good example. My daughter got her ears pierced this past weekend. As I was putting her to bed last night, I realized that one of the earrings had fallen out. I immediately freaked out. I went running to my husband more or less screaming “She’s lost an earring! I have no idea where it is! We’re going to have to have it redone! This was expensive! HELP ME!”

Now my husband & I have been together for our entire adult lives so he knows me VERY well, but even he was a bit surprised by my outburst. He basically had to tell me to sit down & be quiet while he took care of the situation. He found the missing earring in the bathtub & was able to reinsert it in our daughter’s ear while I sat in the living room more or less hyperventilating & borderline sobbing. Needless to say, I was very grateful to him for handling the situation like he did, & furthermore I apologized to our daughter this morning for my behavior. But that situation made me realize that stopping my Prozac a few weeks ago was probably a crappy idea. I actually hadn’t told my husband I’d stopped it because I wanted him to be as impartial/objective as possible. After we got her to bed, I told him I’d stopped the medication & asked him to be brutally honest with me: Had he noticed a difference in my overall behavior the past few weeks? Did I seem more anxious or irritable or generally “off”? It came as no surprise to me when he said yes because I am self-aware enough to know that I HAVE been more anxious & irritable since stopping the medication- even something as “simple” as the dogs barking has been setting off my anxiety lately. So, needless to say, I restarted the Prozac.

The truth is that even after all these years I still hate being “dependent” on a medication to manage my own brain, but, damn it, it’s also true that Prozac makes me a better mom/wife/person. The problem is that I am really good at managing my anxiety when I’m at work, even without medication, but then I come home & all that pent up anxiety gets let out on my husband & child. And that isn’t fair to them- or really even to me. That’s just the way it is. And it’s not like Prozac is some “miracle pill” that suddenly makes me happy & carefree all the time. It’s definitely not. But it’s still pretty damn good. If I envision my brain as a roiling ocean, Prozac has the effect of changing those roiling, crashing waves into more of a gentle, bobbing current. Instead of the Atlantic Ocean, it’s more like the gentle waves you get at the Gulf of Mexico or Lake Michigan. That probably isn’t the best metaphor but hopefully you get the point.

Having said all of that, one of my greatest gripes with modern society is that we tend to want an easy solution to everything. Whether it’s obesity, high BP, diabetes, anxiety, depression, or any other number of issues, so much of the time we just want to pop a pill & hope it cures us. And frankly that just isn’t realistic. One of my biggest complaints about healthcare is that too many doctors don’t provide truly holistic care & too many patients frankly don’t want it. So often we all just want the easy way out! HOWEVER, what I’ve realized over & over again is that Prozac calms me down just enough that I can actually focus more on my other coping strategies– whether that be writing, music, or doing the really difficult work of analyzing my own life experiences & trying to figure WHY my brain works like it does, what my triggers are, & how to overcome those triggers when they happen- because inevitably they will. But all of that stuff is really hard, & frankly many people never do that kind of inner work ever, so if taking a low dose of a medication makes it easier for me to actually do those things & work on myself as a human being- well, maybe that isn’t such a terrible thing, right?

One of the things I learned in therapy is that sometimes we just have to accept that certain things are out of our control. I keep coming back to an old(er) Five Finger Death Punch song called Will the Sun Ever Rise (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JUWHQGXELGo). It’s all about Ivan’s struggles with his own mental health issues & alcoholism. Anyway, there’s a line that says “Why am I like that? I’m trying to understand myself, Trying to fight through this hell.” That line of “Why am I like that?” runs through my mind a lot. And I do think it’s worth unpacking my past to try to understand WHY my brain functions the way it does, as mentioned above, but I also think sometimes I just have to accept that my brain is the way it is, & that’s not necessarily a good thing or a bad thing. It just IS. The good news is my OCD tendencies & general hyper-alertness/awareness make me a really good nurse. The bad news is too often I drive myself crazy & I can’t relax. Therefore the secret seems to be in finding the balance. And Prozac helps me do that. Maybe someday I will get to the point where I can manage my anxiety without it. But for right now, I think it’s just another tool in my “anti-anxiety shed,” & if it helps me use the other tools in that shed a bit better- well, why the hell not use it?

Lastly- & this is a whole other blog post right here- but I continually have to remind myself that our brains were not meant to handle even HALF of what we have to handle as modern human beings. For most of human history people had no clue what was happening 100 miles from their house, much less what was going on quite literally on the other side of the world. Our brains simply have not evolved fast enough to be able to absorb all of the information we are constantly inundated with these days. Do you think the average parent for most of human history was constantly besought with thoughts of “Am I making healthy enough meals? Are the chemicals in this food going to give my child cancer someday? Is my kid getting too much screen time? Am I doing enough to help the environment? Am I saving enough money for my child’s college fund? Am I being actively anti-racist?” And the list goes on & on. I am not saying any of these concerns are illegitimate or should be ignored. Not at all. But the fact remains that parents, & just humans in general, are processing more information than we ever have at any point in history & are being asked to think more long-term/big picture than ever before. At the same time many people are isolated & have less real human connection than ever before, especially with Covid the past two years. Is it any wonder so many of us struggle with anxiety &/or depression? No, it’s not- not at all. Because our brains simply haven’t had time to evolve to handle all of this!

Just to be clear, this post is not an endorsement of Prozac. I am in no way saying it’s a magic pill or that it’s the solution for everyone. Or even that medication in general is the solution for everyone. All I can say is that it works for me- but again, in combination with other strategies- not as a panacea or as an excuse not to do the inner work I still need to do. But I figure there is probably someone out there who needs to hear someone else say that it’s ok to take medication if you need to. It doesn’t make you weak. One of the greatest strengths we can have is knowing our own limitations & using whatever tools we can find to address them. And for me, at least for now, that means taking my Prozac, whether I like the fact that I need it or not, because it’s important that I be the best version of me for myself, my husband, & our daughter. And if that best version is obtained partly through Prozac- well- so be it.

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I’m a One & Doner & I’m Finally Ok with It

For many of my friends, today is the first day of school for their children. Needless to say, my social media timelines have been filled with posts like this:

“I can’t believe it’s my baby’s first day of Kindergarten. My mama heart isn’t ready for this.”
“My babies are growing up way too fast!”
“I wish I could freeze time. I want them to stay little.”
“Please don’t grow up on me.”

Actually, if I’m being honest, I see these kinds of posts on social media every single day. There’s probably just a higher concentration of them today because of the back to school business. In any case, every time I read these posts, I feel a little pang in my heart, a little voice in my head saying “Why don’t you feel this way? How come you aren’t sad that your baby is growing up? Why don’t you want her to stay little like everyone else? WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?!”

If you have talked to me in real life, or even just online, any time in the past two years or so, you probably know that I’ve been struggling with the question of whether or not have another child for quite some time now. If you know my back story, you know that for many years I confidently declared that I was never going to have children, though if I’m being 100% honest, even then I knew there was a good chance I’d change my mind someday. And change my mind I did. Once I got pregnant (100% planned), I initially thought “Ok, we’ll have two kids, two or three years apart, & while it might be hard at first, it will be easier in the long run.” Then our daughter came along & she was jaundiced & somewhat prone to colic. I struggled with breastfeeding & PPD & suddenly I realized “Yeah, I won’t be having another baby any time soon.” Well, five & half years have gone by & I STILL don’t feel ready to face all of that stuff again.

To be clear it’s not pregnancy itself that’s holding me back. While I definitely wasn’t one of those “glowing” pregnant women, I didn’t hate being pregnant either. But neither did I absolutely love it like some women do. Nor is it childbirth holding me back. As painful as that was, if that were the only thing I was hesitant about, I’d be able to get over that in a heartbeat. But no, it’s not any of that that’s holding me back. It’s everything that comes afterward. It’s the long, lonely, sleepless nights. The feelings of helplessness when you can’t soothe your baby any way other than breastfeeding but you’re so touched out that you just want to scream (& sometimes do). It’s the PPD that has colored all of my memories from my daughter’s early months/years. It’s the constant feeling of “I have no idea what I’m doing & I don’t feel naturally suited for this one bit.”

Postpartum or postnatal depression. Vector tired woman and newborn illustration

You see, I’m the kind of mom who enjoys her kid more the older she gets, who truly doesn’t miss the baby stage. I’m the kind of mom who hates lots of noise & chaos. I’m the kind of mom who can’t stand crying babies & toddler tantrums but loves teaching her child how to read & write & do math. I find it quite natural to handle my daughter’s emotions when she’s upset about something now that she can verbalize what is bothering her. Even when she’s crying or frustrated, I am good at walking her through those emotions & validating them while also teaching her that she does have to find useful ways to act on those emotions. Because of this I truly believe I won’t struggle that much during her teenage years. (Go ahead & laugh. Everyone always told me I’d regret wanting to grow up but you know what? I don’t. I love being an adult. So there!) As a nurse I know how to handle difficult conversations about mortality & death. I know how to hold the hand of the dying & not be afraid. So talking to my child about difficult subjects? Yeah, I’ve got that covered. No problem.

But dealing with a fussy baby or completely irrational toddlers? Nope, that’s a whole other ball game to which I do not feel at all qualified. Now obviously I survived it once & therefore it would probably be “easier” to repeat the experience, because almost everything is easier the second time, but the fact remains that I just don’t WANT to do it again. And frankly that’s all that really matters, isn’t it? Isn’t it more important that my husband & I maintain our own mental health so that we can successfully raise the child we already have rather than sacrificing that just to have another? Whatever anyone else may think, I certainly think the answer is yes.

At times do I feel like I’m depriving my child of the blessing of having a sibling? Or my parents the blessing of having another grandchild? Yes, absolutely. And those are no doubt reasons why I’ve felt like I “should” have a second baby. And, of course, like everyone, I also suffer from FOMO (fear of missing out)- worries like “Will I regret this someday in the future?” And naturally there is always the feeling of “Well, everyone else has had a second (or third or fourth) kid. Why haven’t you? If they can all handle more than one kid, why can’t you?” Trust me, those thoughts run through my mind more than I’d like to admit.

If you know my child & how much she talks, you’ll understand why I find this so hilarious.

But at the end of the day, my parents, nor my daughter, would be raising any additional child we should have. My husband & I would be. And if we truly don’t feel like having another one, none of the above reasons matters, not one single bit. Furthermore, when I’ve really examined my reasons for wanting a second child, what I’ve found is that most of them are more along the lines of “Well, you’re SUPPOSED to want another kid” rather than an active desire for one. And frankly that is nowhere near good enough of a reason to bring another life into this crazy world.

So how have I finally started to come to peace with this decision? Well, that’s a big question. One thing I’ve realized is that a lot of moms base their identity on being moms. This is probably one reason that “Mama” T shirts are such a big item these days. And by no means am I saying this is wrong or unhealthy, although I do think there are times when some women expect too much from their kids because of failed relationships. But that’s a whole other blog post right there. The point is, as much as being a mom is my most important role, & as much as it’s the fulcrum on which I make almost every life decision these days, it is not how I identify as a person. Or at least it’s only one of many ways, if that makes any sense. The sense I get is that a lot of women find their value in being needed by their children. For better or worse, I’m just not like that. I find value more in what I can teach my child, just like as a nurse I find my value more in what I can teach my patients & in helping them make informed choices about their health rather than purely in “taking care” of people. What it boils down to is I already felt like a valuable human being before becoming a mom. I already felt like I had a purpose. So being a mom didn’t “save me” the way it does for a lot of women. And again, there is nothing wrong with those who do feel that way. In many ways, I am jealous of such women because I figure they can handle the trials of motherhood better, knowing how much it has also transformed their lives. I mean, if I found a lot of value in my child needing me, I’d probably have handled breastfeeding & colic a lot better. Just saying…

Having said all that, I am finding peace with this decision to be a “one & doner” largely from realizing what I already knew before becoming a mom: I have other uses in this world. Being a mom is a wonderful thing, no doubt, & my child is my greatest & most important “project,” no questions asked. But there are still a lot of other useful roles I can serve in our society that aren’t centered around producing progeny. A lot of this is wrapped up in my career as a nurse of course. But there are other things I do that I think are useful, like donating blood regularly & even writing this blog. And as arrogant or obnoxious as it may sound, I think one of my greatest “callings” in life is simply being a person who encourages people to ask questions, to think about things in new & different ways, to question the “accepted norms” of society, & to be more empathetic, even to those who might seem unworthy. That’s largely what I’m trying to accomplish with this blog- that & just trying to maintain my own sanity of course.

Now obviously most women who have more than one child fulfill many of the same functions in society I just mentioned (& many other functions too). But the fact remains that I don’t think I could do all of these things nearly as well if my sanity were stretched any thinner by having a second child. If other women can (& do) handle multiple kids & work & volunteering, etc, that’s fantastic. But I know my limits & that’s all there is to it.

Lastly, I’m not ruling out the possibility of changing my mind on this. Anything is possible. But I think it’s unlikely at this point. As proof, last week I gave away some of my daughter’s baby clothes to a family in an adjoining neighborhood who are about to become foster parents. That’s something that I have struggled with so much over the years, but finally I was able to do it & not feel super conflicted about it. To be clear, are there moments when I feel sad knowing I’ll likely never use some of her cute baby outfits again? Absolutely. But like all hard decisions, it’s not “black & white.” It’s ok to feel some sadness but also know you’ve made the right choice (same as leaving a job where you like your coworkers but the role has become toxic for whatever reason).

So, if you’re reading this, & you only have one child & really don’t want another one, no matter how much you love the one you have, just know you are not alone. You are not crazy. You are not doing your current child, your parents, your spouse, or the world a disservice by being a “one & doner.” And you can vent to me any time you like about anyone who tries to make you feel bad about your decisions.

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An Addled Mother’s Thoughts on PPD

Have you ever wished to have a different brain than your own? I definitely have. And I still do sometimes, especially as a mom. Everywhere I look I see friends, coworkers, former classmates, former coworkers, family members, & general acquaintances having their second, third, or even fourth kids. And here I am with a daughter who’s soon to be five still feeling like “Nope, I’m not ready to do that again.” When I say “that” I mean everything involved with having another baby but specifically the newborn & baby stage. As some of you may know, that was a very difficult & trying time for me. It’s really only been in the past year or so that I’ve come to fully appreciate just how bad my post partum depression really was. No, I wasn’t suicidal or psychotic, but I was far further down the rabbit hole of despair than I realized at the time. And the frustrating thing is I did so many of the “right” things that you’re supposed to do to help with PPD: I took medication (a slightly different version of what I took for anxiety prior to giving birth or even being pregnant), I went to therapy, I occasionally went to a new mom’s support group, I worked part time, I vented to friends & family. And yet I still struggled, far more than I ever let on.

The truth is part of me is angry because I feel like PPD stole things from me. I feel like I lost precious moments that I can’t get back. I also feel so guilty for complaining because I know many women have had far worse situations- but I also feel like I’ll never get past this fear if I don’t air it…. So, on that note, here we go…

Because of my pre-existing anxiety I was high risk for PPD anyway. Then throw in a jaundiced baby who had to be readmitted to the hospital after just one night at home- a miserable night that left me in tears too many times to count- & I think it was just too much for me. I know social media is always a highlight reel & most people don’t share the hard stuff, but every time I see people so excited about going home with their new babies & enjoying those early days at home, I must confess I feel a pang of jealousy. Again I know so many women who’ve endured far worse, but I just didn’t get a peaceful newborn period. Physically I recovered phenomenally well- I can’t complain there- but mentally was a whole other story.

Our first night at home I spent in anguish because I knew my baby was sick & nothing I was doing was helping. I felt helpless, terrified, & lonely. It’s not like my husband could breastfeed, you know! When we went to the pediatrician the next day, the doctor graciously helped me with breastfeeding & even taught me how to use my pump. But because it was a Saturday they couldn’t do labs there, so we had to then cart her 20 minutes across town to a hospital to get her labs checked. No sooner than we got home from that did we get a call from the doctor telling us she needed to be admitted for bili-light therapy. That required packing up & driving another 20 or 30 minutes all the way across the city to yet another hospital. So those first few weeks I spent pumping & recording the baby’s intake & output like a mad woman, meanwhile also struggling to breastfeed- which was FAR harder than I’d imagined, even though I’d taken classes & read up on it- & generally feeling like I was losing my mind. Over the weeks that turned into months, things slowly got better. We found a rhythm with breastfeeding. We finally got some decent sleep. We bonded more & more & things slowly began to feel more manageable. I slowly began feeling like less of a zombie & more of a proper human being again. But I’ve never forgotten those long nights & those incredibly dark moments of despair. And I truly think that the only real “answer” for my PPD was time- which makes the idea of potentially facing it again quite intimidating.

I’ve realized over the years that my experience is actually quite common. Yet what is less common is women being truly honest about it. There are so many legitimate reasons why we aren’t, but in the big picture staying quiet about our pain only hurts ourselves & each other. I’m writing all this to try to come to terms with my own experience in the hopes that maybe someday I’ll be brave enough to try again. I’m very encouraged by some friends who have told me that they actually fared far better with their second babies. But right now I’m still scared. I know this time I’ll have the advantage of experience, the advantage of knowing that what I thought was going to kill me didn’t- so if I can survive it once, feeling like that & having NO experience, I can definitely survive it again. Even so, with the state of the world today, it’s hard to be a parent of even one kid, much less more than one. Not that it’s ever been easy, but Covid has without doubt made parenthood FAR more complicated.

I’m also writing this in hopes that if another mom is reading this & struggling with PPD she will know she’s not alone. I’m here to say that if you don’t like the newborn or baby stage too much- because of PPD or other reasons- it’s ok. It does NOT make you a bad mom. If you have moments- maybe more than you’d care to admit- when you regret your choice to be a mom or fear you’ve made a mistake, it’s ok. You will survive, things will get better, & you are not alone. If you want to roll your eyes every time someone says “Oh, I’m so sad my baby is growing up” or “She’s getting too big, I’m not ready,” it’s ok. You can roll your eyes right along with me & silently (or not so silently) cheer every time your baby becomes more independent & learns something new. It’s ok! Some moms love the newborn, baby, & toddler stages. Some don’t. Either way is ok. We all have our own experiences & they are all valid.

Also it occurred to me last night that the fact that my kids will be at minimum 6 years apart in age- IF I ever have a second one, that is- really shouldn’t surprise me. It’s far more common to have kids 1.5-4 years apart but since when have I done things the “normal” way? I got married young (at 22) which was not unusual for my upbringing but IS unusual in the greater scheme of things these days. Furthermore I married my high school sweetheart which, while “traditional,” isn’t exactly the normal thing to do anymore. I left my hometown & never moved back which certainly isn’t unheard of but also isn’t the norm for most people from that area. I could go on & on but in many ways in life I have not done what “most” people have done, though I’ll be the first to admit I know folks who have strayed far further from the “normal” path than I have. But the point is it probably shouldn’t surprise me that I’m choosing to approach motherhood a bit differently than many others. I must also take the time to note that because we got married young I have the advantage of not HAVING to rush into motherhood because my biological clock isn’t ticking but so loudly (yet). I realize not everyone has that advantage & I am grateful that I do.

So will I ever have another kid? I have no idea at this point. Part of me feels like I just can’t go through all of that again. But part of me also feels like I’d really like another shot at it, that I’d really like to give my daughter a sibling & all the experiences that come with that, that I’d really like another baby to love & teach. But the truth is I’m just not sure I’m up to the challenge. This has been weighing heavily on my mind this year & frankly if it weren’t for Covid, I’d probably have been ready by now. But Covid makes parenting SO much harder & there is absolutely nothing I can do about that. Part of me wants to wait until the dust settles a bit more, but I also fear that may never happen & I’ll be left regretting my indecision someday.

So yes, right now I wish I had a different brain. I wish I didn’t feel the need to plan things so much. I wish I could just go off birth control casually & “see what happens,” like so many women seem to do. I wish I didn’t CARE so much about doing everything right & could just throw caution to the wind & say “Oh well, I’ll figure it out when it happens.” But my mind doesn’t work that way, it just doesn’t. And that’s all there is to it.

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The Other Side of Being a Mom with Anxiety

I saw my therapist last Monday for the first time since Christmas & it was so therapeutic that I left there thinking “I’m never skipping a monthly session ever again.” It was amazing how I could feel months worth of tension easing so much just from one therapeutic session. I also saw my NP last week for my annual physical & she reassured me that being a “Type A” person who struggles a bit with anxiety does present some unique challenges as a mom & that I should never feel the need to compare myself to other moms, especially those with different personalities &/or who don’t struggle with anxiety.

I struggle with anxiety, but I’ve found that this blog is a great way to tame the “anxiety monster.”

Anyhow, all that left me thinking about what being a mom with anxiety is like. No, I don’t have crippling anxiety that makes me unable to leave the house or to have a professional job or anything like that. But once I got into therapy as an adult & eventually started Prozac for my anxiety I realized how much anxiety has affected my life for a very long time, dating back to well before adolescence. In fact my blood pressure was actually elevated at times during my senior year of college & my first year after college because of my anxiety. However, once I got my anxiety better under control, especially after starting Prozac, my BP has never been high again (other than when I developed preeclampsia while pregnant, but that was obviously a whole other issue). My point is there are obviously people out there who struggle with much worse cases of anxiety than I do, but that doesn’t invalidate my struggles. Nor does it mean that my story isn’t worth sharing.

anxiety

When people think of moms with anxiety they probably think of the mom who can’t stop worrying about her child, who is obsessed with incessant “what if” scenarios: “What if I’m in a car accident with my child?” “What if he falls & hits his head?” “What if she chokes on that piece of popcorn?” Or the mom who runs in her child’s room every hour to check that she’s still breathing. While I’ve certainly had those moments as a mom- I think we all do- that really isn’t how anxiety affects me as a mom. I’m actually remarkably “chill.” For example I’ve never been a worry wart about germs. If my child eats something off the floor (at home anyway) or after the dog licks it, I just shrug & say “She’s building a good immune system.” When she was a newborn I rarely ever felt a compulsion to check her breathing while she was sleeping. Even when she had her tonsillectomy earlier this year, I was remarkably calm.

touched out

The ways anxiety affects me as a mom are a bit different. For example, I get touched out really easily. When your toddler routinely uses you as a jungle gym, this can be quite trying! As a devout introvert, I fall apart if I don’t have enough alone time– which is why nap time is so incredibly sacred for me- & also why I could probably never survive as a true full time SAHM.

Anxiety also causes me to feel like whatever stage I’m in as a mom will last forever. When my daughter was a newborn & she breastfed CONSTANTLY I felt like I was going to lose my mind because I just couldn’t imagine that things would ever change. (Talk about being touched out- breastfeeding a newborn is the ultimate way to get touched out. Ha!) Now that she is a toddler thankfully I have the knowledge that I survived that crazy period of her life so I have the reassurance that if I can survive that- which at the time seemed like it would never end- I can survive anything else she throws my way. But even so when she is in the midst of a tantrum it is very difficult for me to remember that this too is just a phase- & that it too will pass.

introverts cats

Anxiety also causes me to constantly feel inadequate as a mom. I talked about this in my last post, but I look around & see all these moms who seem naturally “gifted” with babies & toddlers & I feel like I’m an impostor. I’ve always been very honest & admitted that I’m not a “baby” person, nor am I a “toddler person.” As I’ve written in previous blog posts, for most of my life I never even wanted to be a mom, largely because I feared I’d never be able to survive the first five years or so. Eventually I changed my mind & I’m so glad I did, but I’ll be the first to admit that I highly doubt the baby/toddler years will ever be my favorite. Yes, I will have loads of wonderful memories from these stages- I already do- but I truly believe I will “come into my own” as a mom when my child is a bit older. (I suppose it isn’t “normal” to be so honest about these things but I know that somewhere there has to be a mom who feels the same way as me- & if she reads this I want her to know she’s not alone.)

Frustrated Mother Suffering From Post Natal Depression

Here lately, I’m bombarded by people telling me “Oh just wait, 3 is so much worse.” “If you think she’s difficult now, wait till you see her in a year or two.” “God help you when she’s a teenager if you think THIS is hard.” And every time I inevitably want to slap these people of course. First of all, these kind of comments are so incredibly unhelpful- in fact they’re downright discouraging- & second of all, how do you KNOW that 3 or 4 (or whatever age) is going to be harder for me? As someone who is very logical & pragmatic I think the toddler stage is particularly challenging for me because toddlers are pretty much the exact opposite of logical. Most moms are terrified of their kids growing up & having to discuss difficult subjects like war, sex, & death- but those things really don’t scare me. I know I can handle that stuff. I’m not saying it will be easy- I’m sure it won’t be. But I can handle it. I know I can.

jewish proverb

But these tantrums? The blood curdling screams- not to mention the kicks- every time I have to get my child dressed? Of if she doesn’t get the exact food she wants at the exact second she wants it? Whew, this stuff is hard, y’all. I’m not rushing her growing up, I promise I’m not. I’m just saying this toddler stage is really hard for me. I know it’s not easy for any of us, of course it isn’t. But my anxiety has definitely been on an upswing since around the time Rachel turned two. And the last thing I need is for anyone to tell me “Oh, it only gets worse from here.” So please, the next time a mom tells you she is struggling (whether she actually says it or you can just read it on her face), take a second & remember that no matter how put-together she seems- or how completely un-put together she seems- you really have no idea how she is feeling on the inside. And the last thing she needs is you telling her things are only going to get worse. After all, her child may be very different than yours. And she may be very different than you. Just give her a smile, a hug, & a quick “You’ve got this.” You might just make her whole day.

tantrum

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Just Chill Out, Moms

There is a meme circulating around Facebook these days about how much easier motherhood must have been back in the 1970s & 80s when “all moms had to worry about was remembering to roll the car window down so their kids didn’t breathe in too much cigarette smoke” (or something to that effect). The author of the post goes on to say how she has spent 45 mins researching what kind of vitamins to buy her kids & how they are going to cost her an arm & a leg but she feels like she has to have the “perfect” ones or she’s somehow going to damage her kids for life. organic food cartoon

I get it, ladies, I really do. Moming is hard work these days. Everywhere we turn there’s some new post or ad telling us “you need this” or “your kid will get cancer or die if they have this.” But the truth is motherhood has always been hard. And frankly we are making things so much harder on ourselves because we buy in to the hysteria about having to be perfect about every little thing. Do you think the average dad is anguishing over whether his kids are eating all organic non-GMO food or using phthalate free body wash or taking the perfect blend of vitamins? Um, no. Ladies, why are we doing this to ourselves? Being a mom is hard enough as it is. I for one refuse to obsess over every tiny little thing, thereby making my life even more difficult- & far less enjoyable- than it already is!

We have enough to worry about as moms. Let’s stop adding to it by obsessing over every tiny detail.

Here’s the thing, y’all: we are all going to die someday. As a nurse I have lost count of the number of times I have seen people die. It’s just part of life. Am I saying we should give our kids sodas & McDonald’s on a regular basis? Hell no! I believe it’s very important to feed our kids a healthy diet to help prevent early-onset diabetes & all the other myriad health problems that come with obesity. But obsessing over everything being organic, non-GMO, etc, etc- give me a break! I for one don’t have the time or energy (or money) for all that. dont compare

At the end of the day, this is what I know: my child is loved & cared for. We read books to her on a daily basis, usually multiple times a day. We take her on walks around the neighborhood so she can enjoy some fresh air & get some good old fashioned Vitamin D. We feed her a reasonably healthy diet (probably very healthy compared to most kids but by no means perfect). We take her to the doctor for her regular check-ups & make sure she’s meeting all of her developmental milestones. She has a loving sitter who cares for her on the three days a week that I work. While she’s there she gets to play with other girls around her age which is teaching her a great deal about socialization. She sees her grandparents on a regular basis & has built a loving relationship with them. At the end of the day, these are the things that matter. These are the things she will look back on some day & be grateful for. What more could we want? everything kills.jpg

If nursing has taught me anything, it’s that life is way too short to be unhappy. And I for one cannot be happy if I am obsessing over every little ingredient in every product I buy or torturing myself over what kind of multivitamins I give my child. I don’t have the time or energy for that. As someone who has struggled with anxiety for years, I find it very ironic that people frequently tell me I’m such a “chill” mom. But I am (most of the time- trust me, I have my freak out moments like anyone else) because I know life is way too short to obsess over things that aren’t going to matter in the course of a lifetime.

Moms, if I have one piece of advice for you, it’s this: just chill out. Hug your kids, give them a kiss, & stop worrying so damn much.

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“Am I the Only One?”- Mom Edition

Hello, moms of the world. Does anyone else feel like they just don’t relate well to babies & toddlers? I love Rachel with every fiber of my being & there are some things I absolutely love about this age (18 months) but I also have to admit that sometimes I really struggle. The tantrums are starting &- just like she did with her screaming fits as an infant- she reserves the vast majority of them for me. I know in some ways this is a compliment because it means she is most comfortable with me. After all, even as adults we typically save our “tantrums” for our spouses or significant others because they’re the people we feel the most comfortable with & we know they won’t just kick us to the curb even if we aren’t our most lovable. But it’s still hard, especially since I’m a very logical, pragmatic person & babies & toddlers are anything BUT logical & pragmatic. motherhood not for sissies

Sometimes I just can’t help but look at other moms & feel like I’m on the outside looking in at all these women who just naturally know how to relate to babies & toddlers, meanwhile I’m over here like “I have no idea what I’m doing.” I know that we all struggle some days & no one is actually perfect, but I constantly hear moms say how the first few years are the “best times” & I just can’t help but feel like that isn’t going to be true for me. Trust me, I LOVE my time with Rachel. I am in no way rushing things. I know I will have loads of wonderful memories from these early years (I already do). Yet I just can’t help but feel like my time to really blossom as a mom is going to be when she’s a bit older. And is that really so horrible? I don’t think so. outsidelookingin

Trust me, I love watching Rachel explore the world around her & find so much joy in the simplest things like twigs or leaves or blades of grass. I LOVE it. But I also can’t wait to be able to take her hiking in the mountains & to concerts & to really explore the world around us in a more adult way. I know she’ll lose her “innocence” as she gets older & while that is hard to accept I think it’s worth it because she’ll gain so much more. And is that really such an awful thing? I think not. Anxiety mental health symbol isolated on white. Mental disorder icon design

Please tell me I’m not the only one who feels this way. My anxiety likes to convince me that I’m crazy & that no one else feels like I do, but logically I know there have to be other moms out there like me- even if we are the minority.

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5 Lessons from My First Year as a Parent

I’ve been meaning to write this for about a month now but the past month has just been so busy, not only with the holidays & traveling to see our families but also with a lot of big changes in Rachel’s life. Allow me to do a quick life update.

The second weekend in December my husband & I went to a wedding in Maryland for one of his college roommates. We spent the night after the wedding which was my first time away from Rachel overnight. Before the trip she was down to nursing only twice a day & as I had met my goal of breastfeeding her for a full year, I figured the 36 hrs or so I was away from her would be an easy way to end our breastfeeding journey. So that’s what I did!

Rachel handled this change extraordinarily well. I don’t think she’s missed nursing one bit! It was definitely bittersweet for me but mostly I’m proud of myself for accomplishing a goal that for a while I thought was going to be impossible. Also I’m excited that after 9 months of pregnancy & 12 months of breastfeeding I finally feel like I really own my own body again. How women have back to back pregnancies blows my mind. Not only can I not imagine handling a baby & a toddler at the same time but I also know I just need a little “me time” between kids, even if that is just in the form of not being pregnant or nursing for a while.

Anyhow, not only did I wean Rachel from nursing but I also weaned her off the bottle at the same time. As I’ve done with all major changes in her life (moving from sleeping in the rock & play to the pack & play, then from the pack & play to the crib, etc) I tried to make these changes as gradually as possible to make them easier on her, & I’m happy to report that she has handled them all very well. This leads me into the point of today’s post. I’d like to share some of the greatest lessons I’ve learned in my first year as a parent. motherhood-quote

It gets easier with time. I know, I know, a lot of people love to say parenting only gets harder as kids get older. But so far I have found that to be completely inaccurate for me. The older Rachel gets, the easier things are for me. Now maybe this is just because of the personality I have (I don’t like people being super dependent on me- hence one of many reasons why the newborn stage was NOT my favorite), but I also think it’s because of the confidence that comes from knowing all that I’ve survived so far. I find that nowadays when I face a parenting challenge it’s much easier for me to stay calm because I can think back on all the challenges I’ve faced so far & how I’ve survived all of them, even the ones that seemed impossible at the time. To me that confidence is worth so much & really does serve to make this whole parenting gig much easier.
Everything is a stage. The old adage “This too shall pass” has never been more accurate than it is for parenting. Whatever stage your child is in, whether you love or hate it, it will pass. The older Rachel gets, the more I’m learning to embrace the positives of each stage because I know each one will pass faster than I can imagine. On tough days I remind myself “The days are long but the years are short.” That saying has brought me so much comfort over the past year. And it is so true. I feel like just yesterday I was the exhausted new mom who felt clueless & questioned everything about myself as a mom. Now I realize that our pediatrician really was right about me being the expert on my baby simply because she is MY baby- & it makes me feel like a whole new woman!
Sometimes I wonder if Rachel thinks this about me. Ha!
Make changes in your baby’s life as gradually as possible. As I talked about earlier, when you’re making a change in your baby’s life, try to do it as gradually as possible. At least for me I have found that this makes things MUCH easier both for your baby & for you. For example, when I was trying to switch Rachel from sleeping in the rock & play to the pack & play, I started with naps. After she did well with that for a couple of days, I started having her sleep in it at night. But I knew she was harder to get to sleep at the beginning of the night so instead of putting her in the pack & play then, I waited till after her second night time feeding. I knew she usually went back to sleep pretty easily at that time, so one night I started putting her in the pack & play after that feeding. Then a few nights later I did it after the first night time feeding, then a few nights later I put her in the back & play from the beginning of the night. It all went much smoother than I anticipated & I really think that’s because I did it so gradually.
Find what works for you & your child & rock it. I’ll be the first to admit that I am not the best at following all the “rules” of parenting. Obviously we need to exercise common sense to keep our kids safe, but within reason I think sometimes we have to just ignore the experts & find what works for us. Perhaps more importantly, we need to remember that there is not one right way to parent a child. What works for your friends might not work for you & what works for you might not work for them. We are all different people & our children are all different people as well, so we can hardly expect one style of parenting to work for everyone. Also, no one is perfect, no matter what their Instagram or Facebook profile might lead you to believe, so learn to forgive yourself when you inevitably don’t live up to your own expectations for yourself as a parent every single day.
The good times makes the hard times worth it. When Rachel giggles & grins at me, which is a ton these days, it makes all the screaming fits & meltdowns from her younger months so, so worth it. I keep reading that she’s at the age to start throwing tantrums but so far she’s only had a few mild ones here & there, & most of the time they’ve been when she’s in the thick of teething. Sometimes she gets upset if I take away something she shouldn’t be playing with or if I put her inside the baby gate for a bit, but I’ve found that if I just give her something else to play with or ignore the screaming she usually calms down within a minute or so. Anyway, I’m sure she may throw some real tantrums in the coming months but I know that even then the times when she’s happy will make the hard times totally worth it.

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Dear New Mom

Dear New Mom,

I know you’re in some ways happier than you’ve ever been, soaking up all those newborn cuddles & feeling your heart expand to give out a kind of love you never before knew possible. But I also know you’re struggling under the weight of what feels like an obnoxious burden that was thrust on you just when you needed to rest & recover from birth.

Sigh. mom guilt

Being a new mom is HARD. So hard. And what often times makes it even harder is all the people telling you exactly how ecstatic & blissful you should be. Please remember this: most of the people saying that haven’t had a newborn to care for in YEARS. They have largely forgotten how INTENSE this phase of life really is. Yes, it’s wonderful, but it’s also REALLY FREAKING HARD.

I’ll be honest with you & admit that I probably experienced a mild to moderate form of postpartum depression. I didn’t fully realize it at the time but thankfully I was already on Prozac for anxiety before & during pregnancy & was quickly switched to Zoloft after giving birth because it is considered better for breastfeeding. I believe this kept any PPD I experienced from completely devastating me. But even so, trust me I had my moments of utter despair & confusion. Moments of loneliness & uncertainty when I questioned why I had ever thought I should be a mom. Moments when I had to step out of the room & just cry or scream so that I could be sure I wouldn’t hurt my baby.

But that’s exactly what they were: moments, nothing more. They didn’t define me as a mom because I didn’t let them. Even on my worst days/nights, I somehow managed (most of the time) to give myself a little grace. That & venting to some truly wonderful friends (most of whom were already moms) is how I survived those first few weeks of motherhood that were in so many ways like one longgggg march of fatigue & confusion.

Here’s what I think you really need to hear as a new mom: it gets easier. Yes! It does! It really does! There is light at the end of the tunnel. And it may come sooner than you think. pema chodron quote 2

If you’re breastfeeding, there will come a time when you don’t spend every waking moment with a baby attached to your chest. It WILL happen. I promise. Trust me, I was so, so close to giving up so many times. But I held out largely because so many women had told me that everything would get magically easier around six weeks. And to my great surprise they were right. I made a vow to myself that if it didn’t get easier by six weeks I would quit for the sake of my own mental health, but I am eternally grateful that it did get easier. But if that isn’t true for you & you feel like you need to supplement with formula or switch to formula entirely, DO IT! A mentally stable mom is the single most important thing a baby needs, so (within reason of course) do whatever you need to do to achieve that goal.

The next time someone says “Oh, just wait till she’s crawling all over the place” or “You’re going to miss this when he’s talking back to you someday,” just smile & nod & know that that person has not one clue what they’re talking about. Or better yet, you can be braver than I am & tell them to mind their own damn business. Because the truth of the matter is you may not miss the newborn stage. And if you don’t, there is NOTHING wrong with you. I know I don’t miss it! I have only come to love my daughter more & more the older she has gotten, & I have learned that every stage has its advantages & disadvantages. Thus the best thing we can do is try to relax & enjoy each one as best we can. Easier said than done of course. motherhood-quote

The truth about motherhood, especially the newborn phase, is that it is the most intense emotional & physical experience of your life. There will be moments you love, moments you like, & moments you hate. But they’re all just that: moments. Give yourself the grace to experience every emotion that crosses your mind. And trust me, in those first few weeks every emotion known to man (or should I say woman?) will definitely strike your heart- often times many all at once, some of which may be contradictory. Just allow yourself to experience them all & remember that this will get easier. As time passes you will have more arrows in your quiver, so to speak, so even if the challenges you face seem “bigger” you’ll have more ammunition to throw at them. And you’ll have the confidence that comes from knowing you have survived every challenge you’ve faced so far. And that, my friend, is worth a lot. birth-of-mother

If you’ve made it this far, congrats! Who knows how many times you had to stop during the course of reading this to nurse your baby, make a bottle, or change a diaper? But just know this: it gets easier, it gets better, & you can do this. If I can, anyone can.

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So What if I Don’t Love the Baby Stage?

There is something about Russian classical music that speaks to my heart in a way that nothing else can. I’m listening to Rimsky-Korsakov’s Russian Easter Festival Overture as I’m typing this, & I swear my mood lifted within the first ten seconds of the song. I actually played this piece in my high school marching band a little over a decade ago, & I’m not sure what made me think of it today but I am so glad I did. If you’re having a rough day (or a great one for that matter), take a few moments to listen to this gorgeous piece & allow its beauty to enrapture your soul.

Now that I’m a little more sane I just wanted to write that today I am struggling, struggling with motherhood & just with life in general. There are days when I feel like there just isn’t enough of me to give, & this is one of them. I’m not sure why I’m feeling this way today, but I am, & that’s all that really matters. Actually it’s probably because Rachel has been fighting sleep all day long & is FINALLY napping for more than about 20 minutes which is why I’m taking advantage of this time to try to clear my mind.

Lavendar hanging from an old vintage door, room for copy space

Anyway, it’s days like this when I get so frustrated with all the people who constantly tell me Rachel is such an easy baby. I know they mean well & in many ways maybe she is an easy baby, but the truth of the matter is there ARE no easy babies. All babies are challenging! And maybe, just maybe, they’re a little more challenging when you don’t have any family nearby & you had no real experience with babies prior to being a mom & you have your own preexisting anxiety issues, as is the case for me. I’m not looking for sympathy here. I’m just saying it’s really frustrating when people tell me my baby is so easy because then when I find myself struggling, like today, I inevitably start wondering what’s wrong with me & how I’ll ever manage if I have another baby someday who is actually “difficult.” motherhood-quote

People also frequently tell me that I’m going to miss these days in the not so distant future. But the truth of the matter is I’m not so sure I will. And of course that makes me wonder if I’m a bad mom. But I’ve jut never been a baby/toddler person & being a mom hasn’t really changed that. Trust me, I love my daughter more than life itself, but I don’t think the baby/toddler stage will ever be my favorite. So in the future when she is older if I don’t find myself longing for these days, is that really such a bad thing? I don’t think so. guilt

Well, that’s all I’ve got today. I’m just trying to clear my mind so I can be more rational once Rachel wakes up again. I also figured maybe there is another mom out there somewhere who is struggling & wondering if she’s inadequate because she isn’t totally loving the baby stage. If so, please know you’re not alone, & you’re not a bad mom. Some women are baby people & some of us aren’t. And neither is better than the other. We just are. Lastly, I’d like to send a huge thank you to all the moms who frequently take the time to encourage me & remind me that I’m doing a good job, even when I sometimes feel like I’m just not up to par. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I hope someday I can encourage other moms the way y’all have done for me.

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The Negative Emotion-Guilt Complex: Mom Edition

Woah, I’ve been wanting/needing to write for a couple weeks now but between working two days a week & caring for an increasingly needy & grumpy baby there has simply been zero time for blogging. I am desperately hoping I can get enough out in these few minutes while Rachel is sleeping to clear my mind & try to save my sanity. Warning: this will definitely not be an eloquent post. It will most likely just be word vomit. But I’m not writing this for anyone else; I’m writing it to try to save myself from my own mind.

One thing I’ve learned very quickly about motherhood is that it makes your flaws become glaringly obvious- at least to yourself. And I have long been aware that my greatest flaw is feeling guilty for any kind of “negative” emotion (e.g. frustration, sadness, jealousy, anger, etc). I thought I had made a great deal of progress on this issue but being a mom has been made realize how much more work I have to do. Furthermore, I swore up & down I wouldn’t let myself become a victim to “mom guilt” but damn if I am not just as vulnerable to it as everyone else!

The first six weeks of Rachel’s life were undoubtedly the most difficult to date. But the past two to three weeks have also been extremely challenging, perhaps more so in some ways because I had gotten used to her being so happy most of the time. Between teething & being in the middle of a huge developmental leap, Rachel has become extremely grouchy the past few weeks. And because she naps so little these days I think that is making things even more difficult for her & thus for me as well. Everyone tells me I’m so lucky that she has started sleeping through the night more often than not, but frankly things were much easier for me when she was waking up once or twice at night to eat but then napped more & was in a MUCH better mood during the day. Besides, just because she is sleeping eight to ten hrs straight a lot of nights doesn’t mean I am. I’m still getting up to pump, not to mention I’ve never been the kind of person who can sleep more than about five hrs straight anyway. (Hell, even as a kid I remember waking up at least once or twice most nights.) In any case I’d gladly sacrifice some sleep to have my happy baby back.

Anyway, the point of all this is that I am really struggling right now. For the first time in my life I am actually jealous of moms who work full time because they aren’t stuck at home with a screaming infant more than two or three days a week (not all day anyway). And for the first time since giving birth I am truly missing my pre-mom life. By no means do I regret becoming a mom of course, but at the same time I do miss the freedom I had to go out & do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted (within reason of course). I knew I was going to lose that when I became a mom but honestly I didn’t start missing that freedom until these past few weeks when Rachel has become so grumpy that even going to the grocery store has become a serious challenge. Not to mention I miss my alone time when no one needed anything from me. It’s so hard being needed ALL the time . . .

Here’s the thing: Rachel has in many ways been a pretty “easy” baby. Once she got over the ridiculous cluster feeding she did for much of the first six weeks, she has been, all things considered, a pretty happy, “simple” baby. And compared to some babies, maybe she still is. But see, half my problem is that I’m constantly feeling guilty for being frustrated because I know that “so many women have it worse.” In case it isn’t obvious, this leads to a serious boatload of guilt because I’m constantly feeling guilty for “complaining” or feeling overwhelmed when I know that others are facing “bigger” struggles.

But the truth of the matter is there are no easy babies! As a dear & wise friend said to me today “Someone basically handed you a tiny stranger & said ‘Here you go; she can’t communicate either but good luck figuring out everything she needs while you have no time for yourself & are coming to the end of your rapidly fraying rope.'” Amen! Furthermore, constantly telling myself I should be grateful because others “have it worse” is incredibly unhealthy. I thought I’d matured enough to realize that there are no negative emotions: there are just emotions & then there’s what we do with them, the latter being what really matters. But apparently I am still struggling with this as much as ever. The truth is, especially as new moms, we can & do experience a multitude of emotions all at once. And it’s ok to feel overwhelmed, frustrated, angry, & jealous while also being grateful & in love with the tiny human you’ve created. In fact it’s not just ok, it’s NORMAL.

It also occurred to me today that I’m doing something that almost no one in my family has ever done. I’m living in an urban area & one that is several hours away from my family as well as my husband’s family- & trying to raise a baby to boot! To be clear, I’m not saying I’m better than my family because of this, not at all. I’m just saying raising a baby is never easy but it’s probably even harder when you don’t have anyone who is “obligated” to help you who is close by & can babysit for you or just help out on a regular basis, even just for 20 minutes so you can clear your mind. That being said, I am very glad to live where we do & to raise Rachel in a different environment than that in which we were raised, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t come with its own unique challenges.

It has also occurred to me lately that my husband & I haven’t had any true alone time together (as in away from the baby) since Rachel was born other than a quick trip to Target when she was a few days old & my parents were in town. And that hardly counts! Not to mention the amount of true alone time I have had is incredibly small. And as an introvert alone time is not just precious to me, it’s crucial. So no wonder I’m feeling a bit frazzled!

One of my friends in college told me several times that I’d make a great Jewish mother because I always had so much guilt, most of which was completely baseless. Unfortunately he was right, & unfortunately I haven’t made as much progress on this issue as I thought I had. However, my hope is that writing all of this will help me to remember that whatever I’m feeling right now is valid. Just because my situation is “easier” than some others doesn’t mean it’s easy. And it’s ok for me to be frustrated & tired & even angry sometimes. In reality I’ll be a much better mom if I can just be honest about how I’m feeling & stop feeling guilty about it. Because as long as I’m constantly stuck in a quagmire of guilt, I’m not actually processing my emotions– & that’s a recipe for disaster. And I’ll be damned if my daughter grows up to feel guilty for every so-called “negative” emotion she experiences! So that means I need to stop this guilt train right now & just admit that this stage is hard but that doesn’t make me a bad mom or a bad person. It just makes me a human being.

Anyway, I’ve written all that to say this: I’m in over my head. But I’m doing the best I can & I know this phase Rachel is going through right now is exactly that: it’s a phase which means, by definition, it will pass. I’m reminded of the phrase “It may pass painfully like a kidney stone but it will pass.”

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