honesty

10 Ways to Know He’s “The One”


First off, I promise this post is not as juvenile & inane as the title implies.  Obviously relationships are not something one can approach with a “check-list” in hand.  At least not exactly.  Anyhow . . .

Tonight my husband & I were lying in bed & I started laughing about something.  I don’t remember what it was, but my husband responded by telling me I have “an unsophisticated, semi-masculine laugh,” “kind of a barroom laugh.”  He proceeded to say that after he hears me laugh he half expects me to follow it up with “Hey, ya want another beer?” or “You wanna go fishing?”  This is not because these are things I actually say (I’ve only been fishing once in my whole life, for the record) but simply because of how my laugh sounds.  He went on to clarify that he actually loves my laugh because high-pitched ultra-feminine laughs annoy him.

A lot of wives probably wouldn’t be too fond of this scenario but my response was to laugh uncontrollably for about 5 minutes straight because I found the whole thing so damn hilarious.  This situation prompted me to think about how much I love our relationship & the brutal honesty we’ve always had with each other.  We’ve been together for over 10 years now (married for almost 3 years), but even when we were just teenagers we were always blatantly honest with each other.  It is one of the greatest building blocks of our relationship & I can’t imagine it any other way.  The fact that we felt so comfortable with each other so quickly & seemed to know almost instantly that we COULD be so honest with each other was, I believe, one of the main reasons we were attracted to each other & how we knew, even at a very young age, that we were onto something special.

he's the one

Quite often in life people have asked me “How do you know if he (or she) is the one?”  Obviously there is no REAL answer to that question as it’s not something that can be objectively or scientifically measured.  But if there is an answer it’s probably something like this: When you’re comfortable enough with someone to be 100% honest with him & can tease each other incessantly & have fun doing even the most mundane things, well, maybe then he (or she) is the one.  Or maybe there is no “one” person but a range of people who could be right for you.  But when you find one of those people, hold on because it’s so worth it.  (You can read more about this idea here:  https://athicketofmusingsblog.com/2014/01/24/10-ways-to-simplify-relationships/)

This leads me to my next point.  A common theme I hear today is that relationships grow stale over time.  The passion dies out, real life wears people down, chemistry fizzles, & divorce or break-up begin to seem inevitable.  While this is certainly a realistic picture of how many relationships work, I don’t believe it HAS to be this way.  If you have the raw ingredients right, I think people can be in love & keep up the passion & chemistry for a life-time.  (I’ve seen it done.)

I haven’t lived that life-time yet, so I make no claim to be some kind of relationship guru or genius.  But I will say that after over a decade together my husband & I are still very much in love.  Yes, our relationship may be a bit more predictable now, but a lot of that is just due to growing up & getting older.  But the passion isn’t gone.  The chemistry is still there.  We can still tease each other about our respective “faults:” my big forehead, his gigantic skull; my unsophisticated laugh, his countrified way of saying certain words (ok that last one applies to me too but for different words).  And we can still make each other laugh over & over again.

marriage annoy

Trust me, we do fight.  But I firmly believe that it’s healthy to fight, as long as you know how & when to make up.  I’ve said it before & I’ll say it again: getting married doesn’t mean you turn in your humanity.  If you love someone, & especially if you live with them, you will fight occasionally.  That is just human nature & it’s no big deal.  Consider that you have probably fought with any previous roommates you’ve had, be they siblings or college friends, because any two (or more) people who live together long enough will eventually get on each other’s nerves at times.  Some fights will be about really stupid mundane things like why one of you left a bunch of dirty dishes in the sink.  And some will be over more legitimate issues.  It’s just life.  I’ve always felt that if I couldn’t argue passionately with someone I couldn’t be passionate with them in any other ways either.

I don’t know why I’m writing this tonight.  Honestly my mind has been filled with all kinds of ideas lately & relationships have not been among those ideas at all.  But this is what came to mind tonight & for some reason I felt compelled to write it.  I feel so incredibly blessed to have met my life partner at such a young age & to have somehow managed to stay with him all these years, through high school & college & now into young adulthood.  I don’t want to sound like I’m bragging because I’m not.  I just want to give people hope that love really can last a long time.  And despite a lot of portrayals in the media to the contrary, relationships really can stay interesting over time.

I have no idea how kids might affect our relationship & to be honest that is one reason I’m inclined to hold off on parenthood for quite a while longer.  I know everyone tells me “you’ll never be truly ready to be a mom” & I know they’re right.  Anyway, I’m straying from the point.  I’m not even sure exactly what my point is here but maybe it goes something like this:  Every person is different so naturally every relationship is different.  Thus there is no ONE prescription for success in relationships or marriage & no 100% sure-fire way to know when you’ve met “the one.”

But here are a few good pointers:

  1. When he calls you beautiful AND sexy
  2. When he kisses you on the lips AND the forehead
  3. When he thinks you’re as gorgeous when you first wake up as when you’re all dressed up & ready to go out on a date  (Or better yet when going out on a date means just staying home together)
  4. When you can discuss anything & everything together & never feel uncomfortable or embarrassed.  And when you can be together & say absolutely nothing at all & be comfortable with that too.
  5. When even the most mundane things like grocery shopping become fun just because you’re doing them together
  6. When he can tell you your outfit is atrocious & you can laugh, thank him for his input, & continue to wear it proudly (This scenario applies in reverse too (me to him), for the record.)
  7. When you realize that you will never be 100% CERTAIN that he’s “the one” & that you’ll never REALLY KNOW if you’ll live the perennial “happily ever after,” but you’re willing to take the chance anyway
  8. When he supports your dreams & goals in life & pushes you to be the best you can be at everything you do
  9. When he values your brain as much as your body & your body as much as your brain
  10. When he calls your laugh unsophisticated & semi-masculine & you find this truly hilarious because you know he is probably right & you’re so glad he loves you for this silly trait   🙂

That’s all, folks.  I realize this isn’t my most profound or articulate post ever.  Nonetheless I hope the sincerity behind my words has translated to you tonight & perhaps made you laugh somewhere along the way as well.

*P.S. I think you could replace he with she in the above list & they would still apply.

 

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10 Ways to Simplify Relationships


Perhaps it’s because my husband is traveling for his job but I’ve spent a lot of time this week thinking about relationships & how people tend to make them way more complicated than they need to be.  May I be the first to admit this includes myself sometimes, lest I should sound like I’m implying that I’m some kind of relationship guru which I clearly am not?  I’m not even sure such a thing exists.  Anyhow, I’ve been slacking off on my blog posts this week, which might seem like a sign that I’ve run out of ideas, but what it actually means is that I’ve been overwhelmed by ideas, yet haven’t been able to light on any of them.  In any case I’ve decided to compile a list of ways to simplify relationships & thus simplify life.  Here we go.

  1. Be honest about what you want out of a relationship from the very beginning.  If you want a friends with benefits type of arrangement, say so.  If someone tells you that’s what they want & you aren’t truly in agreement, for the love of YOURSELF, say so.  Don’t pretend to be ok with something you aren’t & then be surprised when it doesn’t work out later.  On the other hand if you’re serious about a relationship, say so.  I’m not advocating proposing marriage on a first date, but don’t be afraid to say you’re serious.  And don’t be afraid to say no to someone who is serious about you if you truly don’t reciprocate.  Again, pretending never ends well.  Have enough self-respect to be honest about your feelings & goals from square one.  This leads right into number two.
  2. Give respect.  Get respect.  It really is that simple.  Don’t play mind games with anyone.  Don’t “test” someone by asking to spend time with an ex or some childish prank like that, just to see how they react.  Just be forthright and respectful.  Treat the other person the way you want to be treated.  Don’t expect special treatment because of your gender or anything else.  Be an adult.
  3. Don’t place unrealistic expectations on your partner (or yourself).  Getting married or being in any serious relationship doesn’t mean you sign away your humanity.  Regardless of your gender, you will inevitably still be attracted to other people, & that doesn’t lessen the love you feel for your partner.  It’s just part of being a human being.  Just be cognizant of it & know your limits.  Don’t be one of those childish people who expects their partner to suddenly think they are the only sexy person on planet Earth.  That just screams of insecurity.  Just let out all of your sexual energy on each other & you’ll be just fine.
  4. Never stop getting to know your partner.  After you’ve been together a long time, it’s so easy to think you’ve already figured someone out & to stop putting in the time to really understand each other because you think you already know it all.  Trust me, I know.  My husband & I had been together almost a decade by the time we got married.  But I’m still pleasantly surprised to find out that we don’t know everything about each other.  There is always more to learn & that’s part of what makes a relationship fun.  As an addendum, if your relationship is right, marriage shouldn’t change things very much because the relationship was already there.
  5. Don’t make someone a priority who doesn’t do the same for you.  If a guy likes you, he WILL call you back.  And vice versa.  Someone who cares for you & respects you WILL make time for you, WILL get to know you, & will even make time for your friends & family because they know those people are important to you.  They WILL support your dreams & goals in life & will in fact expect you to have dreams & goals.
  6. Don’t over-analyze or make up excuses for bad behavior.  If someone treats you poorly, do yourself the justice of walking away.  The Perks of Being a Wallflower got it right: we accept the love we think we deserve.  If you find that your partners are always treating you badly, think about what that says about how you view yourself.  I’m not excusing bad behavior.  I’m just saying don’t expect someone to change.  If they really love you, they’ll treat you right from the beginning.  Where’s the motivation to change for the better if you’re always there “rewarding” them even when they treat you like crap?  Sorry if that’s blunt, but relationships can be messy.  It’s all this silly beating around the bush nonsense that makes them so much more complicated than they need to be.
  7. Realize that deep down we are all still pretty primal.  This is why no matter how unfair it is women are judged much more harshly for their sexual decisions than men.  Is it fair?  No.  But biologically it actually DOES make sense.  (We’re the ones who can get pregnant so it makes sense that biologically we’d be inclined to be a bit more discriminating about our partners.)  No matter how enlightened & empowered we are, we women ARE more sexually vulnerable whether we like it or not.  This doesn’t excuse bad behavior on the part of men.  No way.  I’m not saying we can’t rise above our “animal instincts.”  Men are perfectly capable of being committed & faithful, as are women.  I’m just saying that we need to realize why men think the way they do & why women think the way they do.
  8. This one is crucial but is really hard to put into words.  Look for the guy or girl who is good in all the right ways & bad in all the right ways.  I don’t know how to write this out, but you probably know what I mean.  As with everything in life, it’s all about balance & moderation.  James M Sama wrote a fabulous blog post about this idea, & there is no way I can say it as well as he did so I’m just going to leave you the link to his brilliant article: http://jamesmsama.wordpress.com/2013/06/11/the-difference-between-a-bad-boy-and-a-jerk/
  9. Don’t feel the need to spend every single second together.  A truly great relationship will give you the confidence to be alone sometimes.  Or to be apart & know that things are still going to be ok.  If your partner wants a day or two to spend with their friends or family without you, let them.  Couples who really trust each other don’t feel the need to be together 24/7.  You were a person before you met your partner & you’re still your own person even with them.  Don’t forget that.
  10. This one is a big one & might cause some controversy but I’m going to write it anyway because I truly believe it . . . Give up on the idea that there is only ONE RIGHT PERSON for you.  The older I get the more I believe that there is a right TYPE for everyone & that you may very well meet several people in your life with whom you could be very happy in a relationship.  Notice I didn’t say anyone will be PERFECT for you.  There is no Mr. or Mrs. Perfect because human beings are inherently flawed.  But there are plenty of great people out there, a few of whom might be wonderful matches for you.  When you find one, be smart enough to go after them.  When you’ve got one, hold onto them.  Someone else may cross your path who might also be a great match but don’t ruin what you’ve already got on a chance at something else.  I’m a big believer in science & logic so I wish I could say there was a scientific way to KNOW when you’ve met one of these RIGHT people, but there isn’t.  You just know.  I always remember hearing that as a kid & thinking it was ridiculous.  But it’s so true.  You know when you meet a friend & you just know right off that you really “click” & that this person is going to be a friend for life?  It’s very much like that.  As I’ve said many times before, relationships are really just friendships with a bit of amplification so to speak.

Well, I hope you have found this list intriguing.  As I said, I’m no relationship guru or expert by any means.  I’m just trying to spread a little logic & wisdom into the very chaotic world of relationships that exists in our society.  I’m by no means 100% faithful to all of these tenets at all times, but I do try my best & in writing this I have renewed my devotion to putting these ideas into place in my own marriage.  I hope perhaps you too have found a little inspiration.  I truly believe simplifying relationships can actually make them deeper & more fulfilling.  The simple life really is the best.  Cheers!

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