A Letter to the Liberal Left

Dear Liberal Left,

As some of you know, I was raised in a very conservative religious household/community. As an adult I have explored my own path quite a bit but still retain a number of my conservative values- albeit often for different reasons. As someone with my background I could easily have embodied the stereotypical full-blown “snowflake” liberal. It would have been so easy to do a full 180 & run down that path, just reject everything I was taught growing up & become the exact opposite of what I was “supposed” to be. Yes, frankly that would have been, in my opinion, an easier route to take than the one I have chosen. After all, it’s easier to just reject everything & embrace the opposite than it is to really put everything under a microscope & decide which parts are worth keeping & which are worth discarding. THAT, my friends, requires a LOT of work.

Anyway, I don’t like labels & I fundamentally resist being put in any kind of “box.” But if there is one group with which I’m willing to throw my hat it’s Libertarians. Libertarianism is not a perfect concept of course- nothing is- but in my mind it’s the most logical philosophy that is rooted in the reality of life as we know it. Because of my philosophies about life, I often find myself at odds with folks from both ends of the political spectrum. I’m always too liberal for some & too conservative for others. But I’ve discussed that many times before, & I’m learning- slowly- to be more at peace with it.

What I want to discuss today is how disgusted I have become with the Liberal Left these days. The Left accuses the Religious Right of being closed-minded, refusing to see evidence, standing on their principals in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, & any number of other things that are largely entirely justified. But what I am starting to see is exactly the same things in the Left! Liberalism or wokeness, or whatever the word is these days, has become the religion of the Left. You can’t question it. You can’t bring up evidence that contradicts its tenets. You can’t disagree with anything without being called sexist, racist, or bigoted- basically a heretic. Sound familiar? Yeah, I thought so.

For example, I have a lot of reservations about transgender women competing in women’s sports. It’s pretty self-evident to me that this is incredibly unfair to biological women- i.e. those with XX chromosomes. After all, it doesn’t matter how many hormones you take or how many surgeries you have, you cannot change your chromosomes. I am in NO way saying I am opposed to transgender people in general. But I AM concerned about the potential loss of women’s rights & opportunities, rights & opportunities that we have fought hard for over the years, mind you. I don’t think it’s crazy or bigoted of me to care about that. But the Liberal Left would have me ask no questions, would have me ignore the fact that you rarely see transgender men clamoring to compete in men’s sports or use men’s restrooms. No, let’s not discuss that. That’s off the table. If you ask a question, you’re bigoted & you don’t care. End of story…

As another example, the Liberal Left loves to say they support science. And in many ways they do. But what they forget is that while science itself is unbiased, the institutions that fund it are NOT. After all, where does most of our scientific research come from? The CDC, the NIH, & universities (both private & public)- which are largely funded by government grants. So is there motivation to make sure that science supports whatever the government is already saying? You better believe there is. Just as there is motivation to make sure that science supports the pharmaceutical & food production companies whose lobbyists have infiltrated our government at every level. Despite all of this, the Liberal Left would have me ask no questions. They would have me accept that everything the NIH & the CDC says are completely without bias. Because surely all these people always have my best interests at heart… (Insert massive eye roll.)

Please take note that I am NOT an anti-vaxxer. I have given hundreds, probably thousands, of Covid vaccines during this pandemic & have routinely begged & pleaded with friends & family to get vaccinated. But I am also very uncomfortable with vaccine mandates, especially ones coming from the federal government. It is in fact possible to strongly support something while also not supporting it being forced on everyone. Crazy, I know….

These are just a few examples. I could go on & on, but I think you should get the drift by now. It’s like the Liberal Left has forgotten that a lot of us left the Religious Right because we were tired of being told to turn off our brains, to stop asking questions, to just fall in line & do what we were told. There is a REASON we weren’t comfortable with that kind of mindset. And yet the Left seems so shocked when folks like me dare not to fall into complete lockstep with them on every single issue. I’m sorry, Liberals, but I left that kind of mindset behind a long time ago. I vowed to never turn off my brain. I vowed to never stop asking questions. And I’m not going to break that vow that just because you don’t like it or want to brand me as a bigot to bully me into your ways.

What it boils down to is I have learned that the only thing settled in life is that nothing is truly settled. Is that a hard way to live? You better believe it is. But it’s the only way that works for me. It’s the only thing that makes sense to me. And if you really cared about the issues you say you care about, you’d stop excommunicating everyone who dares to question you or disagree with you. In short, you would stop acting exactly like the Religious Right- whom you think you’re so much better than- when in reality, you are just a different breed of the exact same beast.


Someone Who is Tired of Your BS

The Moral Superiority Complex

This post isn’t aimed at any person in particular. Rather it is aimed at our society as a whole & the ridiculous self righteousness I’m constantly seeing these days. It happens every year but it’s always the worst during election years. Throw in coronavirus & of course that makes things even more intense (read: crazy) this year!

As a Libertarian, I have written many times about how I frequently feel isolated in this world, ever an outsider surrounded by many who seem to fit so neatly into the various political & religious boxes that society draws for us. In reality of course I know that many folks who do fit in those boxes are probably full of doubts & questions but just aren’t open or honest about them for fear of being rejected or losing social stigma. Particularly for my friends in small town America I fully understand that dilemma. But that’s a post for another day. (To be clear, even among Libertarians I am often a bit of an outsider because of some of my views.)

In any case, what’s really griping me lately is the smug sense of self righteousness & moral superiority that I see all over the media & social media these days. It comes from both sides, though probably a bit worse from the Left since they have such a massive influence on both the media & social media, but really it does go both ways. I am just sick of seeing folks virtue signaling & calling out anyone who disagrees with them as evil, stupid, ignorant, bigoted, sexist, racist, homophobic, heathen, or generally morally inferior.

I’ve got news for you, folks. Regardless of your political or religious beliefs, you haven’t cornered the market on compassion. You don’t have a monopoly on ministering to others. Your beliefs or political affiliations do not make you a better person- they just don’t! Like it or not, y’all, it’s just not that simple.

To those on the Left, have you ever considered that those of us who aren’t socialists & don’t support a massive welfare state feel that way because we truly don’t feel those things are serving the greater good? I’m sure there are some people on the Right who only care about their own pockets but most conservative people I know aren’t like that at all. Many of us truly believe that smaller government leads to greater freedom, prosperity, opportunity, & happiness for all. Many of us sincerely believe in equality of opportunity rather than equality of outcome.

And to those on the Right, have you ever considered that not everyone who supports keeping abortion legal is truly a baby-killer who wants to see infants murdered? Have you considered that many only want abortion kept legal because of cases of rape & incest or other such horrific conditions? Have you considered that this is indeed a much more complex issue than “Well, they should have just waited for marriage”? Furthermore, have you considered that abortion in some format has existed (& does exist) in every society in the world? While that does not make it good, it does mean that it’s never going to completely disappear.

I just wish that people would stop making so many assumptions about others. Stop assuming I watch Fox News because I diss CNN. (In reality I don’t have cable TV & wouldn’t watch either even if I did!) Stop assuming that your neighbor who’s a Republican hates black people or all immigrants. Stop assuming that your friend who’s a Democrat wants to kill all babies or rip apart every nuclear family. Just stop assuming you know all there is to know about a person! I see so many people claiming they are choosing a particular candidate because they care about others. That’s fantastic- but don’t assume that everyone who chooses differently than you automatically doesn’t care about others! Perhaps their interpretation of what is actually helping others is different than yours- & that is ok!

In reality I know lots of really wonderful people on all sides of the political spectrum, but I am just so tired of seeing folks on all sides make all kinds of negative assumptions & generalizations about those who disagree with them. Trust me, I know why it happens. We’re all guilty of it at times, if we’re being truly honest. We do it because it makes us feel better about our own beliefs; furthermore it makes us feel less guilty about any doubts we may have about those beliefs. It makes it easier to push away any conflicted feelings we have about issues that rip at our very consciences. And frankly I think it’s just human nature to paint the world in a very “us vs them” picture. But the truth is we are all losing when we do that. It’s only in recognizing the humanity in each of us that we can begin to see true progress in society.

As cliche as it may seem I will conclude this post with a quote that I think is a good starting place any time we feel the need to rip others apart & denigrate them as morally inferior to ourselves simply because they disagree with us. Namaste- the divine in me honors the divine in you.

I Get Off On the Pain

This post might be a little all over the place but I’m going to try to knock it out the best I can while Rachel is doing her afternoon “quiet time” (since she no longer naps). I’ve recently been reminded over & over again, because of the whole Covid situation as well as the upcoming election, among other things, of how incredibly frustrating it is to me that so many folks are frankly so one-dimensional. As I told one of my best friends recently, I am continually disappointed in how completely predictable so many people are. When I find those rare jewels of people whose opinions I cannot accurately predict on most every subject, I smile & retain at least a little hope for humanity. I’m not asking for everyone to agree with me on everything. What a boring world that would be! I just wish that more people weren’t so damn predictable!

I am often reminded of the Walt Whitman quote “Do I contradict myself? Very well then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes.” I love that quote because to me it encapsulates the complexity of the human experience & how we are all at times hypocrites because we all contain so many complex emotions & ideals that often contradict each other. And that is ok- that is what makes us alive- & interesting!

I just wish more people realized that we don’t have to fit into the neat little boxes in which society tries to place us. And even if we do choose to align ourselves with certain groups, we aren’t obliged to always agree with those groups on every single issue. We can be individuals- we don’t have to have a herd mentality!

For example:

You can ascribe to most aspects of “gentle parenting” even if you don’t co-sleep, breastfeed for extended periods, baby-wear constantly, home-school, or partake in a vegetarian/vegan diet.

You can ascribe to a lot of moral ideas without actually being religious.

You can 100% support the concept of black lives matter without supporting the actual organization of the same name.

You can have tattoos &/or piercings &/or “crazy hair” & still have a professional job & be just as great at it as someone who looks more traditional.

You can love rock/metal music & not have any tattoos or piercings or dress in all black & that doesn’t make you any less of a “real” fan.

You can abhor gun violence but still staunchly support the 2nd Amendment.

Caring about the poor does not have to equate to being a socialist (or communist).

You can abhor drugs but still believe they should be legal.

Just because you don’t support a ton of government welfare programs does not mean that you don’t care about the poor or believe in helping them. (Government, after all, isn’t the only means for helping people. It’s often the least efficient method, but that’s a post for another day.)

Being a Democrat does not automatically make you anti-racist & being a Republican or Libertarian does not automatically make you racist.

Believing in the importance of the nuclear family does not mean you do not support other less “traditional” family structures.

You can believe that men & women are equal while acknowledging our differences & not seeking to tear down the opposite gender.

You can support the legalization of prostitution (for adults only, obviously!) while still believing that sex is best in the context of a committed, loving relationship.

You can support free speech & the right for women to say or do anything they please but still find Cardi B’s WAP to be straight trash. (Guess her WAP wasn’t so great after all, seeing as she is getting divorced due to her husband’s infidelity… Yep, I’m probably a bad person for laughing about that…)

How do I know all of these things are possible? Well, for the most part, I just described myself…

On a seemingly unrelated note, I have recently rediscovered my love for country music artist Gary Allan. I guess I never truly forgot about him but I haven’t listened to country radio in YEARS so he’d just kind of fallen off my radar since the only country singer I religiously follow is Eric Church. In any case, YouTube recommended Gary’s new song Waste of a Whiskey Drink a week or two ago & I’ve been hooked ever since. You could quite fairly call the song cynical & I’m sure there are some angry hard core feminists out there decrying it as the epitome of sexism, but I don’t care because I think you could reverse the genders in the song & it would be equally accurate.

Anyhow, that song led me to listen to a bunch of Gary Allan’s older songs, some of which I’ve known & loved for years like Watching Airplanes & his cover of Best I Ever Had. But I also came across a lot of others that I either never knew or had forgotten. May I just say that this man’s gravelly voice is perfectly suited to that particular brand of melancholy that only country songs can elicit? Off the top of my head three excellent examples of this are Today, Smoke Rings in the Dark, & It Ain’t the Whiskey.

Of course this post isn’t about country music or even my love for Gary Allan, though I could certainly do an entire post about him someday. But for some reason I felt compelled to explain the wormhole that led me to rediscover his song Get Off on the Pain & how that song seems to perfectly encapsulate what I’m trying to explain here today. Now superficially the song probably doesn’t seem to relate to my life very much- I’m not a man, a traveling musician, or someone who’s been in a bunch of bad relationships- but if you think about the broader meaning of the song I can relate to it in so many ways.

Because I am the “crazy Libertarian” that I am, I find myself constantly being told that I’m wrong, crazy, heathen, don’t care about others, & a lot of other things that I generally don’t believe are true. I frequently long to have a greater sense of belonging but any organized group I’ve ever belonged to has left me dissatisfied sooner or later. The truth of the matter is, like the song says, I think I get off on the pain. As much as I sometimes long to be more content with life, to not question things so much, to be more accepted by society, at the end of the day I don’t think I’d be happy that way. I’ve always been a bit of an outsider & that’s the way I think I’ll always be. It isn’t always an easy road to take but it’s the only one I’ve ever really known & it’s the one I’m going to keep on walking as long as I can.

P.S. I apologize for not including the YouTube links to the songs mentioned in this post like I normally do but WordPress has changed its blogging format & I’m still trying to figure out how to add links to posts. I never said I was tech savvy…

P.S.S. If this post seems to have lost steam half way through it’s because Rachel left her room & has been interrupting me constantly… #momlife

Pandemic Panic

This is going to be brain vomit because I’m working with a limited window of time here but I feel like I need to write SOMETHING for my own sanity. I don’t know about you but this pandemic, this whole year, has been absolute HELL for my anxiety. The older I’ve gotten the more I’ve realized that I have a baseline anxiety that really is a double-edged sword. It’s a big part of what makes me so driven & hard-working but it’s also the main reason why I struggle like hell to relax. Oh yeah, if curse words bother you, this might not be the post for you. Now that I’m in my thirties I’ve realized life is far too short to censor myself just because some people are “sensitive” over something as silly as four letter words. Please- be offended by poverty, by war, by child abuse, by systemic racism, by famine. If a WORD offends you, I kindly ask you to GROW UP.

Ok, sorry, that was an unexpected rant but ANYWAY, I guess I am just tired. I’m tired of coronavirus. I’m tired of masks. I’m tired of social distancing. I’m tired of society being so damn polarized about everything. No matter what the issue is, it seems that most people cannot find any middle ground. Or at least that is how the news media & social media paint things. In real life, I think many people are far more reasonable but social media & the news bring out the worst in us & seek to divide us further. I’ve about had it with all of it. As a Libertarian I am so tired of being told I’m too conservative for the liberals & too liberal for the conservatives. On almost every issue I find myself at odds with a huge portion of my “friends” & many of them are quick to tell me how terrible I am because I don’t agree with them. To those of you who can have rational conversations, thank you. You give me hope. I just wish there were more of you because I am becoming more & more cynical by the day & I know it isn’t healthy for me.

There isn’t any real point to this post other than to say I wish coronavirus were gone. I wish there weren’t an election this year. I wish I could wake up & know that I could hug my friends again without igniting fear. I wish the world weren’t so divided & so busy calling each other racists & sexists & fascists that no one can have an actual conversation of substance. I wish I could just have faith that everything will be ok & that normal life will someday, in the not too distant future, resume. But frankly I don’t have that faith right now. I see this going on for a very long time. I fear that my daughter will never have a normal school experience because of this virus. I fear that my anxiety will continue spiraling when just a few months ago, before all this started, I had it under better control than I had in YEARS.

I don’t miss being a kid. Or a teenager. Not at all. Let’s be real: my anxiety was already an issue back then so it wasn’t like I was the stereotypical carefree kid. Ha! Nope, not me. But right now I’m kind of tired of being an adult too. My anxiety isn’t even the “normal” kind that involves dreaming up every worst case scenario for everything. When it comes to a lot of stuff, I’m surprisingly chill. My anxiety has more to do with never being able to truly RELAX. My brain is just always going, going, going, like the damn Energizer Bunny. One of the reasons my husband & I connected so many years ago as teenagers is because we bonded over the realization that we both had this same “chattering squirrel” inside our heads that never shuts up or lets us fully relax. It sucks- plain & simple, it just sucks. It’s why we are so successful in so many areas of life but it’s also why we aren’t much good at enjoying that success.

This has been a very rambling post & I apologize that it is probably poorly written & may not offer much hope. I sincerely try not to pour negative energy into the world because there is way too damn much of that as it is. But I’m just not feeling a lot of positive energy these days so it’s hard to give that off. But I will share some songs that are serving as a lifeline for me these days. They give me hope & allow me to let off steam when nothing else seems to work. If you too are struggling, I hope they’ll do the same for you.

Times are Hard by Redlight King

You’re Not the Only One by Papa Roach

Come Around by Papa Roach

Get Up by Shinedown

A Libertarian’s Thoughts on Abortion

The NY abortion law . . . Ah, yes, another stick thrown on the fire of polarizing America even further . . . But in all seriousness, abortion has to be one of the most complicated issues in modern society, perhaps particularly for those of us, like me, who are Libertarian. As a Libertarian, I value individual freedom above all else. But when it comes to abortion whose freedom do I choose? The woman’s? Or the unborn baby’s? It’s a complex issue with no easy answers.

libertarian cartoon

I haven’t been able to get this issue out of my head today so I figured I’d write about it to try to clear my brain a bit. I don’t know if anyone actually cares about my two cents on this matter but that’s not really relevant. I just need to get my own head straight.

Abortion is a topic that causes me great internal conflict, perhaps more so than any other issue. On the one hand, my gut instinct says “That’s wrong. That’s murder.” I’m sure that is largely influenced by how I was raised. On the other hand I have to think beyond just emotions & consider scenarios like rape, particularly of a minor, or cases where a pregnancy is known to be complicated by a terrible birth defect that might be fatal or cause the child to have incredibly poor quality of life. Because of those types of situations, it is my opinion that the best possible outcome is for abortion to be legal up to 20 weeks (or thereabouts) of pregnancy. This allows ample time for a woman to A. find out she’s pregnant & B. find out if there are any major birth defects. But it is also too soon in pregnancy for the baby to be viable outside of the womb. No matter the circumstances, I just can’t accept that terminating a pregnancy that is past the point of viability is anything other than murder. Some say it’s to save the life of the mother, but I can’t think of a single medical scenario in which the mother’s life would be saved by an abortion but NOT by an emergency C-section. So that argument doesn’t sit well with me.

libertarian graphic

Now, I know many of my more conservative friends & family may be thinking I’m a heathen for saying abortion should be legal at all. Trust me, I don’t LIKE abortion. I think as a society we should do everything in our power to educate women (& men- after all it takes two to tango) about birth control & generally try to PREVENT women from getting into situations in which they would even consider abortion in the first place. Obviously birth defects are beyond our control. But many, probably most, abortions are done because of social/emotional concerns & these are things over which we CAN control.


Of course some may say “Well, abortion should only be legal in cases of rape.” I can see the mindset behind that argument but I disagree because such a law might incentivize women to claim rape in cases of unwanted pregnancies even when they actually weren’t raped. Not to mention, even if they were truly raped, it’s not always possible to prove it.

libertarian camille

Abortion is much like drugs & prostitution. I do not LIKE these things. I think they are UNWISE choices. But I don’t think they should be ILLEGAL. (Now as a drug user if you steal from others to get money for drugs or ignore your children because of using drugs, then that is a whole other story. But the drugs themselves needn’t be illegal. But that is a whole other blog post.) As a Libertarian, I see a difference between what is UNETHICAL/UNWISE & what should actually be ILLEGAL. So as much as I don’t like abortion & would much prefer that women who find themselves with unwanted pregnancies would give their babies up for adoption, I think the most logical answer is to make it legal- BUT only up to the point of viability. After that I just can’t see it as anything other than murder.


Of course it’s always possible that I’m just crazy. But this is the only logical conclusion I can see to this extremely sensitive subject. I don’t expect everyone to agree with me. In fact, I expect most won’t. But this a middle ground that I think our society would do well to consider.

The Outsider

This is not a political blog & it never will be. But I HAVE made it clear that I am a Libertarian & I make no apologies for that. Today’s post is just a quick vent (before Rachel wakes up, if I can manage that). I am writing this purely for my own emotional benefit (e.g. stress relief), not because I need some kind of third party validation for my feelings.


Being a Libertarian is hard. Everywhere I go I’m always the outsider, the objector. If I’m with my family or my more conservative friends, I’m too liberal because I support gay marriage & the legalization of drugs & prostitution (not because I think drugs or prostitution are good ideas- obviously they’re not- but because I see no benefit to society to criminalizing them), plus I love rock/heavy metal. If I’m at work or with my more liberal friends, I’m too conservative because I’m not a hardcore feminist, I support lower taxes/small government, I hate socialism, & I support the second amendment. Basically I am always the crazy person. Ha!

libertarian cartoon

To be clear, I am not complaining about my friends or family. They are all wonderful people who are accepting of me even though I’m very different in some ways. I’m just saying that there are days when I must admit I am jealous of those who have the luxury of truly fitting into a community of like-minded people. It must be nice to live in a world where you can be constantly reassured that your beliefs are the right ones, whether they are more liberal or more conservative beliefs. (Or maybe no one actually feels that way & I’m imagining it.) Meanwhile everywhere I go I feel like I’m constantly being told “you’re wrong, you’re wrong, you’re wrong!”

libertarian graphic

But at the end of the day I’m a Libertarian for a reason: I love liberty. I love freedom. I truly believe in individual freedom & self-responsibility. And I truly believe that individuals are better when they are freer & thus our communities are better as well. After all, what our communities made of if not individuals? And if that makes me permanently a bit of an outsider, so be it.

piss off cartoon

This cartoon is my life.

Reflections on Tornados, Taxes, & More

The past week has been a rough one for me. There is just no other way to put it.  To be clear, this post is not a plea for sympathy or anything of the sort.  I’m just trying to make sense of all the anxiety & sadness in my own brain so that I can face this new week in a better frame of mind.  Also, just to be clear, & this will make more sense once you’ve read further, yes, I am fully aware that this past week could have been much worse.  Certainly I am very grateful for the many blessings in the midst of crisis.  And yes, of course I am aware that many others are suffering in far “greater” ways than I right now. However, none of that diminishes the sadness I am experiencing right now, & despite my innate tendency to feel guilty for being sad about things, I’ve learned by now that trying to squelch or dismiss grief is a surefire way to never get over it & indeed to only make it worse.appo tornado

With all of that out of the way, let me elucidate why this past week has been so challenging.  Initially I had some rather difficult nights at work.  There’s nothing more I want to say about that; just know that I started the week off feeling a bit more anxious because of that.  Then Wednesday rolled around & a tornado ripped through my hometown.  Bear in mind I did not grow up in the Midwest so tornados are not exactly something we expect to encounter; in fact this was only the third documented tornado in the county & by far the worst one.  In any case, the result was that hundreds of houses were damaged, some leveled completely to the ground, leaving hundreds of people with nowhere to live & little to none of their belongings.  A cousin of mine was home during the storm & barely made it into the basement in time to survive.  When he walked out of the basement after the tornado passed, he found that his house was completed destroyed.  (You can read his story here.)  When his dad, my first cousin, sent me a picture of the house I was just flabbergasted. tornado


Once I started seeing more & more similar pictures online, I knew that my hometown was in great need.  Despite the many mixed feelings I have about my hometown, as I’ve written about here before, I just could not stay here in Raleigh doing nothing when I knew so many folks in my hometown were in dire need.  So I made a spur of the moment decision to go home & see my family & do what I could to help the community.  Off I went to WalMart where I bought a whole cartload of things to donate, everything from non-perishable food to towels to tampons to Gatorade & bottled water & more.  I’m so glad I was off work so that I was able to make this trip home & surprise my family as well as donate to those in need in the community, but the trip was still heartbreaking.  Driving around the county & seeing houses completely leveled with belongings, glass, pieces of wood, powerlines, & all manner of debris scattered all over the roads & the fields was nothing short of devastating.  I definitely had tears in my eyes as I surveyed the damage.  What has been heartwarming of course is seeing how the community has banded together to help those in need.  I just read yesterday that out of 375 people displaced by the storm, only two were left in shelters.  That’s amazing!  There have been volunteers & donations coming in from all over the state & even outside Virginia.  It’s wonderful to see all of this outpouring of good will, but nonetheless I cannot help but be sad for those who have lost so much.pay taxes

Next up, my husband did our taxes on Saturday morning & we found out we owe even more money than last year.  Let me just tell you nothing will make you a Libertarian so fast as finding out you owe several paychecks worth of money in taxes!  (Actually I was already a Libertarian because it’s just what makes sense to me, but the point stands regardless.)  And to everyone who keeps asking, yes, we have all of our forms filled out correctly.  We just don’t have any dependents (yet), & no matter what we do our employers never deduct enough money from our paychecks.  Argh.kindess quote

Following right on the heels of that I went to WalMart to get a pregnancy test because I got my IUD removed a month ago, my cycle has been all over the place, & for a host of different reasons I thought there was a possibility I might be pregnant.  In any case, I just wanted to know for sure whether I was or wasn’t.  Well, on the short trip there, a man rear-ended my car while I was stopped at a red light.  This marks the second time in four months that someone has rear-ended my car, & both times I’ve been kind/stupid enough not to call the police or file any insurance claims.  The first time I had nothing more than a few scratches on my car so I was truly not concerned.  This time there is a dent on the back of my car, but it’s pretty small & honestly I just feel like there are so many more important things in life that I can’t bother getting upset about a dented bumper.  In any case, I do wish I’d called the police or at least filed with the man’s insurance because my CD player stopped working after the wreck.  Now, as some of you know, music is basically my religion.  It is what motivates me on my darkest days & is the very lifeblood of my soul.  (Corey Taylor said it best: “Music . . . is the only real religion that is worth devoting your soul to. It is the last remnant of the primal scream, the funeral dirge, & the wedding march. It is the light that keeps me out of the shadows, & it is the reason my immortal soul is not in dire straits.”) When I found out my CD player wasn’t working, I can’t lie, that sent me over the edge & I truly cried for the first time all week. I had wanted to cry multiple times earlier in the week but I’d held it in for some ridiculous reason.  Thankfully my dear husband was able to rescue all the CDs that were in the CD player, & he found a replacement online for which the man who hit me has promised to reimburse me.music quote

Now, I’m sure you’re wondering why I didn’t call the police.  The simple explanation is I’m an idiot. The more complicated explanation is I was already an emotional disaster & I just couldn’t stand the thought of dealing with the police at that moment.  Also the man who hit me was black & there was a part of me that worried the police would treat him more harshly because of that.  I also couldn’t help but remember what a blessing it was when I rear-ended a delivery truck years ago & the owner of the truck asked the policeman not to charge me because there was essentially no damage to his truck.  To my great surprise & relief, the policeman complied with his wishes.  I still remember how wonderful that felt, & part of me wanted to give that feeling to someone else.  I’m not sure if it’s a mark of compassion, insanity, stupidity, or some combination of all three that I was even thinking of someone else’s feelings at a time like that, but the truth is I was.You-are-nice-quotes-kindness-quotes-politeness-quotes

Back to the pregnancy test, as soon as I got home after the wreck I took the test & was greatly disappointed to find out that I am definitely NOT pregnant.  I knew the chances were slim to none that it would happen so quickly, but I just couldn’t help but be disappointed.  I keep remembering being in OB class in nursing school & thinking how ludicrous it was that a woman could want to be a mother so badly that she would cry when she got her period or had a negative pregnancy test.  It’s not that I doubted this could happen; it’s just that at that point in my life getting pregnant would have been a disaster for me, & I just couldn’t envision myself ever wanting to be a mom that badly, so I simply had no conception of how that would feel.  Well, here I am six or seven years later, whatever it is, & now I know how it feels.  It’s something I can’t explain, & part of me feels silly for even being upset about this when logically I know I “shouldn’t” be, but I can’t help it.  And that makes me feel weak & hormonal & ridiculous.  Ugh.

Lavendar hanging from an old vintage door, room for copy space

In case anyone’s wondering why I’m sharing something so personal as all this, there are several reasons.  First, writing out my thoughts & feelings keeps me sane.  And secondly I truly believe the world would be a better place if we didn’t all pretend we’re ok when we clearly aren’t.  With that in mind, allow me to say this: I do NOT have it all together.  Perhaps it’s self-imposed because I have such high expectations for myself, but I often feel like people just expect me to be Ms. Perfect all the time.  I feel like people automatically think “Oh, she’s smart, she’ll be fine, she’ll figure it out.  We don’t have to worry about her.”  Maybe that’s all in my head, but the truth is I really do NOT have it all together.  Yes, I have lots of wonderful things in my life for which I am very grateful (a loving husband & family, friends who have become like family, an adorable corgi, a great career, etc), & some of those are things I’ve worked really hard to achieve/keep.  But none the less, I am just as human as everyone else.  And right now I am feeling a bit fragile & broken.  On the plus side, this is the first time in a very long time that I feel like my anxiety has truly gotten the better of me.  That right there is a huge victory.  Honestly, when I remember the constant state of high-pitch anxiety I was in during college, I have no idea how I survived.  All I can say is I’m glad I’ve gotten the help I’ve needed in the ensuing years.humanity

I’ll end this by saying that I can’t give enough thanks to all of those who have reached out to me during the past few days.  Some of you I haven’t spoken to in person in years, yet you took the time to message me & send words of encouragement, & that means more to me than I can say.


As a final message, I’m striving to remind myself of the incredible wisdom of these simple words from the Buddhist writer Pema Chodron:

“Rather than letting our negativity get the better of us, we could acknowledge that right now we feel like a piece of shit & not be squeamish about taking a good look.”

Amen.corey taylor owe yourself

And just for good measure I’ll add a few more inspiring quotes from the great Corey Taylor.

“. . . the divine lies in all of us. We are miracles. We are “god.” If we shared a little more, we would not be left feeling less. We hold the keys to our own destinies. It is time we started looking for the locks.”

“Life owes you nothing. You owe yourself everything.”

Things I’m Abandoning in 2015

I just finished reading what I found to be a very inspirational post

(http://satinsheetdiva.wordpress.com/2015/01/05/things-i-left-in-2014/) by a fellow blogger regarding the things she wants to leave in 2014.  In other words it’s kind of an inverted way of doing new year’s resolutions.  Instead of saying these are the things I want to accomplish this year, it’s saying these are the things I’m going to stop doing or abandon this year.  For some reason, this really spoke to me so I’ve decided to make my own list of things I want to abandon in 2015.  Here goes!

t.s. eliot quote

1. Focusing on my weight as a pure number.  I’ve got to make my heart realize what my head already knows: numbers don’t matter; how I look & feel does.  If I like what I see in the mirror, my husband finds me as attractive as ever, I’m healthy, & my clothes fit, there is no logical reason why I should care what number is on the scale.  (And all of those things are true, by the way, so really I have nothing to worry about.)  I’ve been telling myself this for years but it’s never fully sunk into my psyche.  This is the year to let it sink in for good.

2. Beating myself up for not particularly liking young children.  I’m slowly starting to realize that there are other women out there who aren’t super fond of babies & toddlers either . . . & many of them have still made great moms.  My tolerance for young children has actually grown in the past few years so while I still cringe at the thought of having a baby completely dependent on me, I’m slowly starting to realize that that stage won’t last forever anyway & “mommy brain” will kick in & get me through it . . . someday.motherhood

3. Eating out entirely too much.  Ok, let’s be real: I love to eat.  I am very suspicious of anyone who doesn’t.  There has got to something majorly wrong with anyone who doesn’t enjoy eating.  Anyhow, possibly because I rarely ever ate out as a child/teen, I have somewhat of an addiction to eating out now.  It’s not something I do every day, I never go anywhere expensive, & quite often I order relatively healthy things (relatively being the key word here).  But nonetheless it’s something on which I know I waste too much money that would be better put into savings.  And it’s not exactly healthy either.  Part of me thinks it’s justified because once I have kids I won’t have the freedom or the energy to go out to eat much, but the more logical part of me knows that’s just a lazy excuse.  Last year I swore to myself I’d do better about this . . . and I probably did worse than ever.  So this year I’m forcing myself to do meal planning each week (nothing formal, just planning it out in my head & making sure I have all the necessary ingredients) & spending Sunday cooking several dishes that will last me throughout the week.  I know I’m a lot less likely to cave to the desire to go out for a meal when I already have good meals prepared at home.  So far this year I’ve made curry pork chops, a delicious curry chicken & apple soup, Tandoori cod & curry lima beans with Tikka Masala sauce, & my coconut curry chicken with mashed potatoes (yes, almost everything I make involves curry).

Curry lima beans & Tandoori cod with Tikka Masala sauce . . . I've had this twice already this week & it's delicious . . . & easy!

Curry lima beans & Tandoori cod with Tikka Masala sauce . . . I’ve had this twice already this week & it’s delicious . . . & easy!

4. Comparing myself to others.  To be perfectly honest, I know that as long as I’m alive I will be guilty of this to some extent, & I also know that I’ve gotten a lot better about this over the past few years.  But I still have a lot of room for improvement.  The fact of the matter is I will never weigh 130 lbs (at 5’6″ & with my bones/muscles that’s not even realistic anyway).  I will never have an immaculately clean or perfectly decorated house.  I will never be the perfect housewife who loves to bake & never leaves clothes in the dryer or dirty dishes in the sink.  I will never enjoy getting drunk & going to clubs & generally living the “party girl” lifestyle that is supposedly “normal” for my age.  And, short of porcelain veneers that I will probably never be able to afford, I will never have perfectly white teeth.  But none of that stuff matters because none of it is a true source of happiness or contentment for me anyway (if it is for someone else, that is perfectly fine of course).comparison

5. Worrying about what others think of me.  As above, I know that as long as I’m alive I’m going to care at least a little about what others think of me.  That’s just part of being human.  However, this year I’ve got to stop allowing other people’s opinions (or what I assume their opinions will be) to stop me from being honest about who I am or what I believe.  To that aim, let me just state a few things I believe that I sometimes keep to myself for fear or how others will react:  I support gay marriage.  I support the trans-gender movement.  I don’t think abortion is a good thing but I do think it should be legal.  I think our country spends way too much time & money on ill-advised overseas missions that are doing absolutely nothing to contribute to our country’s safety or overall well-being.  I support the legalization of marijuana.  I am a Humanist.  I am a Libertarian.libertarian quote

I sincerely hope this post doesn’t turn into a long debate over any of the above issues because that is far from the point of this post.  But I’m also tired of keeping some of my opinions to myself just to appease others.  At the end of the day, I know I need to have faith in my friends & family & trust that they won’t abandon me or treat me like an infidel just because we have different beliefs about some things.dr seuss quoteHow about you, reader?  What do you want to leave behind this year?