Those of you who know me in real life may have noticed that I’ve been a bit more anxious the past few weeks. Between getting a bad cold in early August & then developing intermittent allergies that refuse to go away ever since then, some rough shifts at work (including violent patients & multiple deaths), the anniversary of my grandfather’s death last year, & just the general stress of pregnancy, my mind has been more than a little over-stimulated the past few weeks. I guess my body has been over-stimulated too because I’m sick once again, this time with a viral throat infection that has left me feeling like I have knives in my throat (which is extra fun with acid reflux on top of it), congested, & having intermittent coughing spells if I try to talk for more than about 30 seconds at a time. Oh yeah, my body hurts all over & I’ve had a mild fever too. And my normal pregnancy fatigue has been multiplied times ten. AND of course I can’t help but worry that me being sick isn’t good for the baby! Arghhhh!!
On top of all that, I find myself feeling incredibly guilty for complaining about being sick & stressed about my pregnancy & impending motherhood. I know there are so many women out there who would give anything just to be pregnant right now, so every time I complain about how much my sacrum hurts (it’s never my lumbar area, always my sacrum) or how much it sucks to be sick while pregnant, part of me feels like this wretched spoiled brat who ought to just shut up & realize how lucky she really is. But that doesn’t change the way I’m feeling of course. It just leads to a cycle of negativity that never ends.
Up until the past few weeks I’ve been so proud of myself for how I’ve handled this pregnancy & not letting my underlying anxiety issues overwhelm me. But here lately I feel like I’ve lost traction & I’m just barely keeping my head above water. Thankfully I found out today that my glucose tolerance test & my hemoglobin are normal. Those are at least two things that can no longer be a source of anxiety for me. My husband & I have also managed to select & purchase a car-seat & stroller recently which, trust me, is a massive endeavor these days. (Can we say too damn many options?!) So that’s two major baby purchases out of the way. Now if Buy Buy Baby can just deliver the stroller instead of some kind of jumper thing that they accidentally sent me instead . . . Seriously, whoever packed that order must have been drunk. I could understand sending me a similar but different stroller but this wasn’t even close to the right item. At least they have free shipping, including returns! And in a week or two I’ll probably find this whole scenario hilarious.
I’m sure this hasn’t been my most coherent or eloquent blog post. Honestly I’m not sure what I’m trying to accomplish other than to just vent & let the world know that I’m struggling right now. Overall pregnancy really hasn’t been as difficult as I thought it might be, at least in some ways. But here lately my anxiety has definitely been getting the better of me, whether it’s obvious to others or not. Maybe it’s just my hormones going haywire which is entirely possible of course. Having obsessive compulsive personality traits & a higher than normal level of anxiety really isn’t the best combination for a pregnant woman. But this is me, & I know that some of these “negative” traits have served me well in life thus far & I can only hope they will serve me well as a mother too in the not so distant future. In the meantime, I’ll be listening to music, reading P.D. James & Bill Bryson, cuddling our corgi, & reminding myself that the anxiety monster has reared its ugly head plenty of times before. Yet I’ve survived every battle thus far, which means there’s no (logical) reason to doubt my ability to win the battle this time.