racism

Life Lessons From the Antonio Brown Saga


I don’t think I have ever written about sports on this blog before & I never planned to do so. In fact I had an entirely different blog post in mind for today. But then I sent a voice note to a friend a few minutes ago about the Antonio Brown saga & how it’s forced me to confront some of my internal prejudices while also addressing some highly complex issues at stake in our society. The reason I messaged this particular friend about this subject is because she is not American & does not follow the NFL, so I feel like she is more likely to have an objective opinion on the matter than any of my other friends or acquaintances. Anyhow, it got me to thinking that this whole saga is actually very worthy of a blog post, particularly in light of the fact that the media often focuses on only the most salacious details rather than the underlying issues at hand.

First off, if you aren’t familiar with Antonio Brown, do a quick Google search &/or read his Wikipedia page (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antonio_Brown) to get some background on him. The reason that his name is back in the headlines again is because on Sunday he got in a verbal altercation with his team’s coach on the sidelines & then proceeded to rip off his jersey, helmet, & shoulder pads; run across the field shirtless; & exit the stadium mid game. Hilarious? Not going to lie- yes, I laughed when I saw the video. And yes, I have laughed at the memes (& still am). But upon closer inspection, clearly this is NOT normal behavior & really is no laughing matter.

As if that situation wasn’t bizarre enough, it’s now come out that he snuck a 23 year old Only Fans model-whose initial claim to fame was licking toilet seats in an effort to catch Covid (INSERT MASSIVE EYE ROLL)- whom he’d never actually met before- into his hotel room the night before the game. This of course was against NFL Covid protocols. As if THAT isn’t bizarre enough, she claims he encouraged her to film them having sex so she could share it to her Only Fans account (apparently she agreed). Keep in mind this is not a COLLEGE player- this is a 33 year old man with 6 children by 3 different women (at least if Wikipedia has it right). She also claims he was constantly rambling & generally speaking incoherently as if he were either drunk, on drugs, or generally not in his “right mind.” As if all of THAT isn’t bizarre enough, he also posted his bank account information online later this week. Uhhhhh….

I’m not going to recount his entire background but it is important to note that prior to this weekend’s unusual events Brown has been accused of rape & sexual assault on multiple occasions by multiple different women. He has also been caught driving over 100 mph as well as throwing furniture from his 14th story apartment building, endangering a toddler in the process. The police have also been called to his house in Florida multiple times for various domestic disputes. AND he has been arrested for assaulting a truck driver. To say that Brown has a long & ignominious history is putting it quite mildly.

Now here’s what I really want to examine- my reactions to this situation & what we as a society can learn from all of this.

First- my own reactions to this: I can guarantee if I’d read this story 5 or more years ago, I would have immediately said “What a disgusting man. He’s a disgraceful thug. Get him off the field & out of the news forever” & never have pondered the situation any deeper. I was particularly reminded of this when I was perusing the screenshots of his text messages with the Only Fans model which included plenty with less than perfect grammar. (Being a grammar nerd myself, I won’t lie- bad grammar is something about which I have to consciously remind myself not to be overly judgmental.) If I’m being truly honest, that is still my initial gut reaction to this whole saga.

HOWEVER, now that I’m older & have had a lot more time to examine my own internal prejudices I have to say that I do still have some (perhaps limited) compassion for Antonio Brown. It’s clear to me that he is not in a healthy mental state- & probably hasn’t been for a long time. Is it possible he is just a really gross, obnoxious, & dangerous man? Sure. Or is his erratic behavior the result of some kind of untreated mental illness? Quite possibly. Is it related to drugs or alcohol? Maybe- but that seems a bit less likely what with all the testing NFL players are subject to on a regular basis. Is it also possible that his behavior is a result of brain damage from chronic or repeated concussions related to his football career? Absolutely. And that right there is something that needs to be addressed & takes me squarely into my second point.

What can we as a society learn from all of this?

Well, first off we should learn that when NFL players (or other celebrities) are given multiple chances- like Brown was- & continue to display erratic or violent behavior- whether on the field or off- we need to pull the plug on their careers a lot sooner. Just because someone is a talented entertainer (whether an athlete or a musician or something else) that does not excuse them from treating others well & generally being a decent, lawful person. After all, what kind of message are we sending to our kids (& adults) when we tolerate bad behavior just because someone is talented, famous, or wealthy?

Reviewing Brown’s history, if there is any evidence to back up the claims of rape & sexual assault, not to mention the other various incidents, he should never have remained on any NFL team. Let’s be real- would most of us average Joes (or Janes?) be allowed to keep our jobs- especially if we have a job like a doctor, nurse, or teacher where we are considered role models for children- if we were accused of things like that? HIGHLY unlikely! And I can guarantee, regardless of our jobs, most of us average folks would no longer be employed if we ripped off our shirts & ran around shirtless before leaving our jobs mid shift. Nope, we’d be fired in a heartbeat. As it turns out, Brown WAS fired over this incident & deservedly so, if you ask me. If this were the only bizarre & obnoxious incident of his, perhaps he would deserve another chance. But, as we’ve discussed, it’s not the only one, not by a long shot.

Having said all of that, as mentioned above, I think we would be greatly remiss if we didn’t take a moment to consider the possibility that a lot of Brown’s behavior could be related to either untreated mental illness or brain damage from concussions. If either is the case, that doesn’t mean we have to tolerate his bad behavior of course. But it DOES mean that we need to stop dismissing him as “just another thug” & think about the greater consequences of these issues when they are not recognized or treated. There has long been a stigma in our society against mental health, but I think you could argue that stigma may be greatest for black men. Who better than NFL players (or Kanye West) to shine a light on this issue for an underserved portion of our society? After all, what kind of message does it send to your average black man if black male celebrities who are struggling with mental illness or addiction are just dismissed as thugs? If a black male celebrity isn’t worthy of help for these issues, how do you think that makes the average black man feel?

My point is- if we are truly bothered by Brown’s behavior, we can’t just call him a thug & say “case closed.” We have to dig deeper. We have to address the underlying issues at play here or we’ll never stop seeing this kind of behavior. It’s just like racism- if we don’t call it out when it happens, it will never end.

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White Fragility, Elijah McLain, & Robert E Lee


Do you remember Elijah McClain? If you don’t, here’s a quick summary. Elijah McClain was a young black man who was walking home from a convenience store in Colorado one evening in 2019 when he was put in a chokehold by police officers & then given an insane amount of strong sedatives (specifically ketamine) by paramedics without proper cause or proper monitoring afterward. Shortly afterward he died. And McClain had committed NO CRIME, nor even truly been suspected of one- unless of course walking while being black is a crime. Let’s be real- the way he was treated certainly indicates that it was.

I’ve always been surprised & disappointed that this disturbing case has not received the same amount of media sensation as many other cases, especially considering it seems like such an open & shut case. There can be little argument that the officers & paramedics were justified in their actions- it’s so painfully obvious that they weren’t. Thankfully, some two years later, a small measure of justice has been served as the officers & paramedics involved have all been found guilty of manslaughter & criminally negligent homicide. (To read more, click here: https://www.nytimes.com/2021/09/01/us/elijah-mcclain-officers-charged-colorado.html). Of course true justice can never be reached in tragedies like this because the innocent life that was lost cannot be brought back. But at least there has been some measure of accountability put in place here. I suppose that’s the best we can hope for- that & of course sending the message that such tragedies cannot be allowed to continue. Yet once again I am surprised & disappointed at how little attention this has received in the media, including social media. I realize we have other big news stories right now with Afghanistan, Covid, & hurricanes ravaging our country & the world, but even so, I’ve seen very few headlines, even deeply buried ones, about this. And I find that odd. And disappointing.

On a slightly different but somewhat related subject, a massive statue of Robert E Lee was removed from Richmond, VA this week, the capital city of my home state (as in the state where I grew up, not where I live now). As someone who loves history I’ll confess that this is always a challenging subject for me. But over time I’ve come to believe that such Confederate statues belong in museums, not in our city streets or parks. And yet I am disappointed at how many friends & family members I have seen posting & commenting about how heartbreaking it is to see this statue carted away. Y’all, no one is saying we should erase history here! We’re just saying that we shouldn’t have public monuments to people who fought for such inhumane practices as slavery. And whether we like it or not, that is exactly what Robert E Lee did.

Fellow white people, it has been over 150 years since the Civil War. It is high time we admitted that many of our ancestors were in the wrong. It’s not like our parents or grandparents or anyone we actually knew fought in that war. Those people are all long since dead & gone & were never known to us! Besides which, I have friends who have parents & grandparents who are (or have been) alcoholics, narcissists, drug users, & abusers. And as incredibly difficulty as it is, they have found ways to say “I might love this person but their behavior is wrong.” Or “I know I ‘should’ love this person but their behavior towards me has been nothing but hurtful so I am choosing to walk away.” If they can do that, we have no excuse for not being able to admit that our ancestors from well over 100 years ago whom we never even knew weren’t perfect. Grow up, folks!

Furthermore, if you are heartbroken over the removal of a statue of a dead man you never knew, but you have never once expressed outrage or sorrow over police brutality in cases like Elijah McClain’s- or other flagrant racism in our society- may I suggest that you need to get your priorities in order? I realize that as a white person it can be easy to ignore racism sometimes, to just say “Well, that doesn’t affect me since I’m not black. I don’t hate black people. Whatever.” Newsflash- been there, done that, had the courage to admit how wrong I was! Over the years I have come to realize how important this subject still is for all of us. One of my absolute dearest friends is married to a black man (she is white). Some of my next door neighbors are black. So are several other families on my street & in my neighborhood. Both of my managers at work are black. My new dentist (who is also my husband’s & daughter’s dentist) is black. So are several of the doctors & surgeons I work with. And of course I work & have worked with countless black nurses, nursing assistants, & medical assistants over the years. Many of my patients are black. In fact some days, most of my patients are black, & some days most of my coworkers are too. To not care about racism would be incredibly callous & cruel of me. And frankly, even if you are a white person who doesn’t interact with many black people, you STILL should care about racism, at least if you care about PEOPLE at all. After all, as Martin Luther King, Jr said “Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.”

So if you’re upset about these monuments being removed, please take a moment to consider how you might feel if you were a black person seeing monuments to people who fought to keep your ancestors enslaved. Please also consider how you would feel if you were black & had to see your white friends posting about how heartbreaking it is to see these monuments removed & yet to never see those same people speaking out against racism. If you’re offended by this, congratulations- now you know why the term white fragility was coined in the first place!

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The Problem with Small Towns


This blog post has been a long time coming, to borrow a small town phrase. Perhaps it was finally pushed into fruition since I spent a few days in my hometown earlier this week while my daughter’s school was closed & my husband was traveling for work.

For those who don’t know anything about me, allow me to preface this with a quick autobiography so you will have a better context for the rest of this post. I grew up in a small town in central Virginia, a place with 4 stoplights in the entire county (there are 5 now since we got a Wal-Mart!). A place with one primary, one elementary, one middle, & one high school for the whole county. A place that- at the time I was growing up there- required you to drive a minimum of 20 mins to get to the closest Wal-Mart. A place with more churches than restaurants. And zero bars. I moved away for college when I was 18, albeit to another small town but it was sufficiently bigger that it felt like a small city to me. Which is probably proof of how rural my early years really were! Anyway, aside from the summer after freshman year of college, I have never lived there again (after college my husband & I moved to an urban area in another state). And that summer was the longest one of my life because I spent most of the time counting down until I could go back to school & get out of there. I can truly say I have never regretted moving away & I’m quite certain I never will.

For a little more context, allow me to add that for the first few years after I left my hometown I was quite angry & bitter toward the town. Because it was all I had known for 18.5 years, it was quite a shock to find out at college that my formative years were quite different than those of many of my peers. It was easy to feel like I’d missed out on a lot in life, to feel like my town had somehow held me back or deprived me of experiences. However, as time has gone by I’ve become a lot more forgiving of my hometown. I actually feel more connected to the town & many people there than I have in a long time. Even so, I’ll never be that person who loves their hometown & thinks it’s the best place on Earth- not even close. But I’m no longer angry & bitter about it. However, I think I’ll always have very conflicted feelings about it. I think it will always be a place that conjures as much sadness for me as it does happiness, as much disappointment as it does pride.

Now to get to the meat of the message- there are so many problems with small towns in the rural South, & I daresay with small towns the world over. Of course there are plenty of problems with more urban areas too- but that isn’t the focus of today’s post. So- what are the problems plaguing my home town & thousands, nay probably millions, of others like it? Well, there’s poverty, racism (some quite overt, some much more veiled but equally sinister), religious extremism, drug use (this one has spiked exponentially over the past few years), closed-mindedness, unemployment, depression & other mental health issues, domestic abuse/violence, cronyism, isolation, & obesity- to name a few.

But the number one problem that I think plagues small towns is a refusal to see the full potential in others, an insistence on categorizing people & making assumptions about them based on said categorizations. This is especially true in adolescence but I’m very sad to say that I think it often extends far beyond high school & into all of adulthood. Now hear me out on this because I realize this may seem like a far smaller problem than the other things I listed above. The reason I say this is the number one problem is because I think it is the root cause- or a root cause anyway- of many of the other problems, including racism. When people feel categorized from such a young age- whether it be as a nerd, a jock, an athlete, a class clown, a goth, etc- this can & often does have a crippling effect on self esteem, ambition, etc. People feel stuck in roles that quite often they didn’t truly choose. All of this can lead to depression & isolation which are hardly good starting points for happiness & success in life. Not to mention there is the pressure people feel to please others or to conform to local societal norms to avoid rejection & humiliation.

To expound on my own experiences, one of the reasons college was so exhilarating for me was because it was the first time in my life I didn’t feel looked down upon for being smart. It was the first time I felt like I could be truly & authentically myself without people immediately categorizing me in a negative way. It was also the first time I felt free to fully explore my own ideas & beliefs about life without people breathing down my neck telling me how wrong or sinful I was to question things. That’s a whole other blog post right there but the point is that being away from my hometown really allowed me to come into my own, so to speak. And it also allowed me to appreciate all kinds of different people, many of which broke the stereotypes that I’d so often seen or heard at home.

I always hear the stereotype that small towns are the friendliest places in the world. I can see why people say that but I think they can be the meanest places too. For example, in a small town, it’s so easy to see someone who uses drugs & just say “Oh, they’re a useless druggie.” You’d think that small towns might have more empathy for these people because “everyone knows everyone” but what I’ve realized is that everyone does NOT know everyone at all. Sure, most people know each other as far as names, relatives, things like that. But that does NOT mean we actually know each other. We often know only the most superficial things about each other but end up assuming we know so much more. Just because someone is or was categorized as a certain thing in school or beyond in no way means we actually know anything about their true personality- their likes, their dislikes, their dreams, their ambitions, etc. And yet so much of the time we are so quick to assume we know everything about everyone just because we’ve all lived in the same area for so long. How do I know this? I know it because I have been guilty of it too. And still am at times.

As far as the drug use issue, such attitudes only serve to further isolate these people & therefore drive them further down the hole of addiction. I am in no way saying they aren’t responsible for their decisions but I do think our world would be a much better place if we spent less time looking down on addicts just to feel better about ourselves & more time understanding WHY people make such unhealthy decisions, & thus tried to address the root causes of addiction. But, again, that’s a whole other blog post right there.

What I’m trying to get at here is this. Agatha Christie said over & over in her books that even the smallest village is a microcosm for the world as a whole because no matter how small a place is the essential nature of human beings doesn’t change. All the good & all the evil that can be accomplished or undertaken in the world can & does happen in the smallest of towns, just as it does in the largest of cities. I started reading her books in high school- actually probably middle school- & even then I knew she was probably right in this assertion. But I hadn’t yet lived anywhere but a small town so I had no experience elsewhere to confirm it. Now I do. And now I know that the reason small towns have the problems I’ve discussed here is because HUMANITY has these problems. And as much as you might think that having a smaller amount of people might somehow lessen those problems, I think it’s actually quite the opposite. I think it only serves to heighten the problems, perhaps because there are fewer people to dilute them, if that makes any sense. What I’m saying is it’s so easy for outsiders to see places like my hometown as these perfect, quaint, peaceful towns but in reality there is so much darkness underneath the surface. But I think that’s because there is so much darkness in human nature as a whole. And just because there are fewer people doesn’t mean there is any less darkness.

Remember how I said I will always have conflicting emotions about my hometown, how it will always elicit as much disappointment as it does pride? Well, the truth of the matter is that the same is true for HUMANITY as a whole. It’s just that I feel so much more strongly about it when it’s associated with the place where I grew up, the place that “should” feel like home but really doesn’t.

So my unsolicited advice to all my friends & family back home or anyone else reading this from a small town (or anywhere really) is this: don’t assume you know folks just because you’ve known them your whole life. Allow people to be more complex than you might have previously pictured. I know the world is scary & confusing- perhaps all the more so since Covid struck- but categorizing people in an attempt to simplify things doesn’t help anyone, including yourself. And remember, I am writing this to myself too.

Just to be clear, I haven’t written all this to point my finger at my hometown & others like it. I have not written all this to say I’m better than anyone there because I moved away. I’ve written all this to try to make sense of a confusing world. To try to find some peace about a place that often causes me such unrest. If you don’t like it, that’s fine. The older I get the less I care what others think because that doesn’t pay my bills or help me sleep at night. If you’re truly happy living there or in another small town somewhere, I am sincerely happy for you- & even a bit jealous if I’m truly being honest. Remember, my gripe here isn’t really specific to small towns- it’s to humanity as a whole. And I know I’m part of that too.

Edit: I’d like to share one of my all time favorite songs. It’s sad & beautiful all at once & while it was clearly written with a person in mind, I feel like it perfectly sums up my relationship with my hometown & with small towns in general. “I love you, but I leave you. I dont want you, but I need you… I’ve got a gypsy soul to blame & I was born for leaving…”

https://youtu.be/oouFE51HcqM

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Dear White People, We Need to Do Better


“Ain’t got any of them black boyfriends, do ya?”

“You got a boyfriend?”  “No.”  “Ok, well as long as it’s not any of them black boys.”

“These afros & dreadlocks are so gross & disrespectful looking.  How do they expect anyone to take them seriously looking like that?  Especially with all those tattoos too!”

“Why do we need Juneteenth as a holiday?  This is silly.”

“This rioting is out of hand.  Why can’t they [black people] just be happy they aren’t still slaves?”

“Slavery has been over for 150 years.  Why are they [black people] still complaining?”

“The Civil War wasn’t actually about slavery.  It was about states’ rights.”

“You know they’re all on Welfare” [referring to black people, particularly black women].

“Police aren’t actually racist & never use excessive force.  These thugs just don’t listen & do what they’re told.”

“Those statues are our history!  I can’t see why anyone wants to tear them down” [referring to the removal of Confederate monuments].

“I’d prefer you stick to white boys but an Asian or a Hispanic boyfriend wouldn’t be as bad as a black one.”

“My granddaughter has a black friend. One isn’t so bad but the trouble is once you’ve got one, the whole lot of them wants to invite themselves over.”

“My parents told me I could be friends with black kids but I couldn’t spend the night at their houses & they couldn’t spend the night at mine.”

Does any of this sound familiar to you?  I hope not, but I suspect for some of you these kinds of conversations are all too familiar.  All of these are quotes that I remember from my own childhood or adolescence (NOT necessarily by my parents, to be clear) or that friends of mine have shared with me from their experiences growing up.  Or lastly they are things that I have seen posted on social media by family or acquaintances from my hometown or from other similar small towns. For the purposes of this post I will be writing everything in the first person to help the post flow better & to better preserve anonymity but do remember some of these are not actually MY OWN experiences, though some are. Furthermore, I am concentrating on white racism against black people because I am white & because I am confronting these mostly offhand remarks that I (& others) experienced during my (our) formative years that were mainly aimed at black people. However, I am well aware that other races struggle with their own share of racism & that even white people can be victims of racism. I even experienced a handful of unkind remarks because of being white as a child, but that isn’t the point of today’s post at all. Simply put, racism isn’t just a black issue or just a white issue, but as a white person I feel I am best suited to speak out about the racism I see being perpetuated against others from my own community.

Let me preface this by saying that if you’re reading this & recognize yourself in any of these quotes (even if they’re just things you’ve thought to yourself but never actually said out loud), I still love you. This post isn’t about shaming or embarrassing anyone. I can love people even when we disagree on things. But I do not love the attitudes these quotes reflect. And I have black friends, neighbors (literally next door & across the street), & coworkers who deserve so much better- which is why I can’t remain silent any longer. I regret my silence on this matter far too much already.

The past year in particular has forced me to recognize just how many racist attitudes unfortunately still persist in this country, particularly in small town America, even among people I know & love. Now, I’ll be the first to admit that I am by no means perfect, & I make no claims to be.  However, over the past 10 years or so, particularly the past 5 years, I have made conscious efforts to confront my own internal bias & find ways to erase it or at least navigate around it.  Yes, the U.S. (& the world at large) has made great strides in the area of civil rights compared to decades ago, but even so, there is still work to be done.  And you know where that work starts?  It starts with you & it starts with me.  What the past year has made me realize is that the burden of erasing (or at least minimizing) anti-black racism cannot fall on black people. (I say anti-black racism because all races can be racist against any other race, as previously mentioned.)  After all, would women ever have achieved the right to vote & other such basic rights in society without at least some men standing up & fighting for those rights too?  Undoubtedly the answer is no. Those who are experiencing discrimination & racism cannot alone be responsible for ending it. If that were the case, don’t you think these issues would have been erased ages ago? It’s as completely backwards as saying that the onus for preventing rape falls only- or mostly- on women (oh wait, we all too often DO send that message in our society, but that’s a post for another day).

Again, this post is not about naming names or calling out anyone in particular.  It’s not even about sending anyone on a guilt trip.  This post is about me saying I refuse to be part of the problem. And that means I refuse to remain quiet & accept the “casual” racism that I all too often see & hear from some folks I know & love- folks who I know are in many ways truly wonderful, loving people. I’ll also be completely honest & admit that this post is largely intended simply to clear my own brain & to try to atone for some of the guilt I feel for not confronting this issue earlier. I’ll also confess that I’m a typical product of my generation & I find it easier to call out these attitudes online than I do in real life. What can I say? I’m an introvert, a born writer, & a work in progess…

I am also well aware that most of the people making these comments do not consider themselves racist & most would not DREAM of being actively rude to a black person to their face. But that doesn’t make these comments any less dangerous. As I stated in my previous blog post, sometimes it’s our most casual, offhand comments that reveal our true, underlying feelings & prejudices. Now- it’s time to examine each of the quotes from the beginning of this post & explore exactly why these things are problematic. I will group a few of them together since they’re on the same or similar subjects.

  • “Ain’t got any of them black boyfriends, do ya?”  “You got a boyfriend?” “No.” “Ok, well as long as it’s not any of them black boys.”  “I’d prefer you stick to white boys but an Asian or a Hispanic boyfriend wouldn’t be as bad as a black one.”
    • Ah, yes, interracial dating/relationships.  This is a topic that the older I get, the more I truly cannot understand why anyone has a problem with this.  Now these quotes, I will confess, do come from some of my own family members (though I certainly know plenty of other white girls who were told the same things).  Not trying to throw anyone under the bus here, but yes, a few people in my family did in fact say these things to me (& probably to my sister too).  I was always so flabbergasted as to why anyone would say this nonsense that I never really responded much, partly because often it was asked when I was too young to have had a boyfriend at all, regardless of skin color.  Furthermore, my parents never made these kind of remarks so it didn’t make sense to me why others would say this- or even care.  Plus as a child I was too naïve to understand why anyone would ever feel this way.  Of course as I got older, I understood it a bit more but it always bothered me.  After all, the people who say this stuff almost always identify as Christians, & I can’t wrap my head around how they could think that God wouldn’t want his creatures to love whoever they love.  Don’t these people believe we all trace back to Adam & Eve anyway?  I actually asked a loved one once to explain how an Asian or a Hispanic boyfriend would be less problematic than a black one, & needless to say I didn’t get any kind of logical answer. Again, I promise I am not trying to make anyone look bad here.  But the truth of the matter is this kind of thinking is just gross. And if you persevere in this kind of thinking, frankly, you deserve to be called out on it. (This is the stuff that literally keeps me awake at night, trying to figure out how some people I love so much who are generally so kind can hold such antiquated, hateful attitudes.)
  • “These afros & dreadlocks are so gross & disrespectful looking. How do they expect anyone to take them seriously looking like that? Especially with all those tattoos too!”
    • I honestly think this comment stems from pure ignorance, from truly not understanding that black hair is in fact quite different from white (or Asian or Native American) hair.  I cannot believe it took me 30 years to truly grasp the fact that an afro is one the natural forms of black hair if left to grow & brushed out a bit.  Please forgive me for my ignorance, y’all, but I truly didn’t know that!  I suspected it but I just wasn’t sure & I was always too afraid to ask for fear of offending someone or looking stupid. Once I realized this I became so angry that anyone would ever discriminate against someone for a hairstyle that is quite literally 100% natural. Again, the people saying this stuff almost always identify as Christian, so I beg of you, if you think like this, please explain to me why black people wearing their hair in the natural way God made it is wrong?  Also, did you know that having black hair relaxed (to basically look “more white”) is not only expensive & time consuming but also damaging to the hair? As for the dreads, all human hair can naturally form dreads. So again, why is that gross or wrong? As for the tattoos- well, all I have to say is some of the nicest people I’ve ever known, some of the hardest working people I’ve ever known- of all races- have had tattoos. If you don’t like them, don’t get them. But let others do as they please & remember that physical appearance has zero impact on someone’s intelligence or ability to do their job well- OR their overall character.  End of story. P.S. If you think black people aren’t actually discriminated against based on their hair, then explain to me why we need to pass ordinances like this: https://www.wral.com/wake-commissioners-ban-discrimination-against-natural-hairstyles-for-county-workers/19587931/.
  • “Why do we need Juneteenth as a holiday? This is silly.
    • First of all, who in their right mind complains about getting an extra holiday?!  Especially if it’s paid!  But on a more serious note, the ending of slavery WAS a big deal.  It is most definitely something to celebrate.  Imagine if YOUR ancestors were slaves.  Wouldn’t you want to celebrate the fact that that ended & that you’re free now?  See, that’s what I thought.
  • “This rioting is out of hand. Why can’t they [black people] just be happy they aren’t still slaves?”  “Slavery has been over for 150 years. What are they [black people] still complaining?”
    • Sometimes I have heard these things word for word. More often though these messages are very clearly implied by the memes & posts shared by certain people. I am going to be brutally honest & even admit that these thoughts have crossed my own mind a few times in the past.  But what I have realized is that these kinds of statements send a very clear message- one that I absolutely cannot condone. That message is: “Black people aren’t really human. They’re not like everyone else. They should just be happy we aren’t treating them like total animals.” Again, if you say or think things like this & call yourself a Christian, please explain to me slowly how some of God’s creatures are better or more deserving than others.  Whether you’re religious or not, this kind of thinking is just absurd.  Put yourself in someone else’s shoes for two minutes & consider that not everyone has experienced the world the way you have.  And then extend some grace to your fellow man.  Let me be clear & say that I do not condone rioting or destruction of property, especially private property/businesses that have nothing to do with the subject of a protest. BUT if you’re more upset by rioting than you are by police brutality that leads to MURDERS, then please ask yourself why that is, & furthermore, would you feel the same way if the rioters or the victims of police brutality were white?  If the only thing you ever discuss in regards to racial justice is how bad rioting is, you’re sending a very clear message that racial justice doesn’t actually matter to you. 
  • “The Civil War wasn’t actually about slavery. It was about states’ rights.“
    • This one came from a teacher of mine in high school, one of my favorites actually.  I hadn’t thought about this quote in YEARS but I suddenly remembered it recently & was appalled to think that a teacher had actually said this- especially knowing black students heard this too.  First of all, even though it wasn’t a history class, this statement is just factually inaccurate.  There’s just no way around that.  Sure, states’ right was part of it.  But what state right were they principally fighting over?  That’s right- the right to own slaves!  So, yes, like it or not, the Civil War was in fact about slavery.  Frankly, I think white people just say this to make themselves feel less guilty, particularly if they know they actually had ancestors who fought for the South.  My response to that is- so what?  Everyone has ancestors who did bad things.  No one is responsible for what their ancestors did, especially when it goes back generations.  Just admit it & move on.  That’s what we expect black people to do with slavery, right?
  • “You know they’re all on Welfare” [referring to black people, particularly black women].
    • Ok, first of all this is one is just plain false.  There are actually more white people on Welfare than black people.  Now of course there are also a lot MORE white people in the country than there are black people.  Is the percentage of black people receiving Welfare higher than the percentage of white people receiving Welfare?  Maybe.  But stereotyping like this isn’t helping anyone.  Furthermore, have you considered that these programs were designed & put into place largely by white politicians who may or may not have had the best interests of minorities at heart?  No one likes discussing this, but since the inception of mass welfare programs the percentage of single parent (almost always single mom) households has risen DRAMATICALLY in both black AND white communities.  And along with that we’ve seen many other negative societal outcomes.  It’s almost like maybe the nuclear family (however it’s composed) is actually important!  But that’s a post for another day.  The point is saying things like this doesn’t help anyone.  And if black children hear this kind of thing, it just further reinforces to them that they aren’t “meant” to be doctors, lawyers, nurses, teachers, scientists, engineers, etc.  So, please, just stop this nonsense.
  • “Police aren’t actually racist & never use excessive force. These thugs just don’t listen & do what they’re told.”
    • Really?  Then what do you have to say to U.S. Army 2nd Lt. Caron Nazario who was held at gunpoint, pepper sprayed, & put in handcuffs despite obeying police orders?  What do you say to Philando Castile who was shot & killed by an officer despite following police orders & having committed no crime? What do you say to Elijah McLain who was choked & given way too much of the sedative ketamine just for “acting weird” while walking outside, both of which almost certainly led to his death?  What do you say to the countless black men- many of whom are educated & have professional careers- who have still found themselves in unnecessary traffic stops where threats or intimidation were used?  Are they “thugs” too?  Even those who have broken the law deserve to be treated like human beings, especially when the offenses are non violent.  A traffic stop for anything should not lead to murder, even if the person isn’t 100% an angel the entire time.  When white mass murderers can be brought in without being killed but black men are disproportionately killed by police even over much more minor offenses, we need to ask ourselves what is going on here.  I know, I know- the cops you know are wonderful people who would never do such things.  And for most of them that is probably (hopefully) true.  But the fact of the matter is we have to admit that some of the “good ole boys” in our country’s police force aren’t really all that good.  Otherwise we wouldn’t be seeing a black man with a knee to the neck for 8 minutes till he died.  Furthermore, if all these good cops aren’t standing up against the bad ones, what does that make them?  I for one have called out bad practices when I’ve seen them in my own field.  There is no reason why police shouldn’t be expected to do the same.  (And I am grateful for those who do.)
  • “Those statues are our history! I can’t see why anyone wants to tear them down” [referring to the removal of Confederate monuments].
    • Now this one is a hard topic for many folks & it’s one that I’ll admit I’ve had a hard time with myself.  I love history & because of that of course I hate to see parts of it destroyed.  But what I’ve realized with the Confederate monuments is this: No, taking them down or moving them to museums isn’t going to magically end racism- it’s not that easy- BUT if I were a black person, yes, I do think I would find it both strange & hurtful to see all these monuments to people who quite literally fought a war to keep my ancestors enslaved.  Have you ever thought about it from that angle?  I think at the end of the day these monuments belong in museums or historical parks.  That way we can still learn from them but without making it seem like we’re honoring them as heroes.  Again, if you’re white & you know you have ancestors who owned slaves or fought in the Civil War, that’s ok.  It doesn’t mean that you’re guilty just by association.  I for one do not believe that sons should bear the sins of their fathers. But please consider that most of these monuments were not even erected until the late 1800s through the 1950s. Do you really think this wasn’t at least somewhat intended to intimidate black people & remind them of “their place” in society? That alone should give us pause.
  • “My granddaughter has a black friend. One isn’t so bad but the trouble is once you’ve got one, the whole lot of them want to invite themselves over.”
    • This one was said by a salesman when I was attempting to buy something from him. I’m ashamed to admit that I was too flabbergasted by such a blatantly racist & despicable remark to actually confront him about the subject. I just changed the subject & walked away. Looking back on it though it’s horrifying to realize that he just assumed I would agree with him & that I wouldn’t report him for his obvious racism. The sad thing is that I DIDN’T confront him about it, so in a way he was right. Trust & believe- if this kind of thing happens again, the person at fault will not be left unconfronted.
    • “My parents told me I could be friends with black kids but I couldn’t spend the night at their houses & they couldn’t spend the night at mine.”
    • Just for the record, this one comes from a friend, NOT my own family. But yes, these attitudes do in fact still exist. I don’t really think there is anything else to say here other than- WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU IF YOU FEEL THIS WAY?
  • Let me end this by clarifying a few things. No, I am not some “crazy liberal.” No, I do not feel guilty for being white.  None of us chooses our race after all. No, I do not believe in paying reparations. But yes, I do believe in decriminalization of drugs, especially marijuana, partly because drug laws are disproportionately enforced against minorities. Yes, I do believe in reducing the number of traffic stops for minor offenses & asking police to use more of their time building bridges with communities & focusing on serious, violent crime. Most importantly, I believe in understanding that we all have biases. It’s just human nature- biology if you will. It’s probably only natural that many of us feel most comfortable with or are most attracted to people who look like us (“birds of a feather flock together” type thing). But we need to be cognizant of that & most importantly we need to learn not to treat those who are different badly just because of our own internal misgivings or fears.  That of course goes for all people of all races. However, as a white person, my voice is probably going to resonate most strongly with other white people, for better or worse.  And I for one am saying that we as white people need to do better.  I’ve changed my mind about so many things over the years because of living in different areas, talking to different people, reading various books, etc. I’ve learned that my own first impressions of people can be wildly wrong & that quite often, if given the opportunity, people will surprise you in all kinds of wonderful ways. If I can do that by my early 30s, I truly don’t understand how some people who have lived twice as long as I have haven’t figured this stuff out.
  • If you know me in real life, you know I hate conflict.  I truly do not like arguing with people, hurting anyone’s feelings, or offending people.  But the older I get, the less I care about those things, at least when it comes to really important subjects.  And this is far too important for me to remain silent.  So if this post has offended you- sorry- but I’m not sorry.  You probably need to be offended.  That’s how I’ve learned about some things- sometimes that’s how we all learn.  Furthermore, I know there are plenty of things I’ve said or done, things I believe or don’t believe, that at least some, probably most, of my family would find offensive. And yes, that is hard for me; yes, that keeps me awake at night too sometimes. I hate knowing I’ve disappointed people I love (I’m not talking about drugs or anything at all criminal here, before anyone gets any wild ideas), but I also know that life is way too short to live my life just to please others, even those I love. But believe me, I feel the weight of that judgement too, even if a lot of it is more perceived than real.
  • So why did I write all this? Why did I bother putting myself out there to possibly be hated for saying things that make people uncomfortable? Well, as Edmund Burke said many years ago “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” And as the great Martin Luther King, Jr said “Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.” And this, my friends & family, definitely matters. So I will reiterate: if you recognize yourself in this post, I still love you. But I have black friends, neighbors, & coworkers I care about too, & frankly they deserve better. So, dear white people, I’m saying it now loud & clear- we need to do better.

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Time to Get Uncomfortable


Well, you don’t exactly have to be a scholar to know that the world is in a bit of a tumult right now.  Maybe more than a little bit, to be honest.  With the news of the death of George Floyd at the hands of some obviously corrupt & evil police officers last week, Coronavirus has finally taken a backseat.  I’m writing about this today for a variety of reasons & I hope I can be at least somewhat eloquent as I rush to finish this while my daughter is napping.  Here goes . . .riot

First off I want to apologize to the black community for any hand I, as a white person, may have had in racism over the years.  I’ll be the first to admit that I have not always been as sensitive as maybe I should be.  Furthermore I’ll be the first to admit that there have been times when I was more vocal about my anger over rioting & looting than I was about my anger over police brutality or other injustices wrought against African Americans.

I’ll also freely admit that I’ve always had mixed feelings about Colin Kaepernick & the kneeling protest he started.  On the one hand I’ve always felt like it was their first amendment right to free speech & that the matter they were protesting had merit.  Yet on the other hand I was always taught to respect the national anthem & the military & since so many people saw the kneeling as disrespectful towards them- though in my heart of hearts I’ll admit I’ve never been sure WHY- I confess it left a bad taste in my mouth, so to speak.  But the more I’ve thought about it the more I’ve realized the REAL reason why it left a bad taste in my mouth.  The real reason is that I didn’t want to face the inconvenient truth that our nation is still struggling with systemic racism, particularly in the police force.  I was always taught to respect LEOs but the cold hard truth is that there are some seriously corrupt & evil folks hiding behind a badge, & it’s our responsibility to stand against the injustices wrought by them.  If we don’t- & if good LEOs don’t- we are complicit with the problem.

I want to sincerely apologize for all of this because I realize now how insensitive & wrong I was.  I realize that so much of the time we don’t want to admit that maybe we aren’t as “color blind” as we like to think we are.  As white people, it’s very easy to think “Well, I don’t hate black people, I’ve never been overtly racist, so I’m ok.”  But the truth is that if we don’t examine our own internal prejudices & speak up against police brutality & other racial issues, these injustices will never go away.  And the rioting that follows won’t go away either.  There is a reason people are rioting- it’s because THEY AREN’T BEING HEARD! 

Secondly, I’d like to say that I don’t think rioting & looting is the answer- especially when it’s directed at random people or businesses that have nothing to do with the police.  But let’s be real- most people don’t.  We don’t all need to constantly talk about how appalling this is.  I think most of us can agree on that, regardless of race.  Violence begets violence- it breeds a vicious cycle that never ends & rarely- if ever- causes people to be sympathetic with the “other” side.  But truthfully I think most of us get that.  We just aren’t the ones on the news getting all the attention right now.

Thirdly- & this is really my most important point- what’s more appalling to me than rioting is that so many white people seem more upset by the rioting & looting than they are by the murder of George Floyd.  Or Ahmaud Arbery.  Or Breonna Taylor.  And the list goes on . . .  They are more upset by black people stealing a TV than they are by the fact that police have been caught dispersing tear gas on PEACEFUL protesters.  There have even been white people caught inciting violence & rioting so that black people can then be blamed for it.  Y’all, something is seriously wrong with this entire picture!  Yes, everyone has a right to be upset by the violence that has erupted over the weekend.  But if you’re bothered by that kind of violence, shouldn’t you also be bothered by the unnecessary violence that was wrought against Mr. Floyd & so many other black Americans?  The answer is unequivocally yes.  If you suddenly think that the case against police brutality is completely invalid because of the way SOME people are reacting, then frankly you need to examine yourself.

So before you post about how terrible the riots are, please stop & think about how that comes across to your black friends & neighbors, especially if that’s the ONLY thing you’re posting about in regards to this whole situation.  Please stop & think about WHY people are angry.  Please stop & think about the fact that no matter how black people protest- even something as simple & peaceful as taking a knee- they are always told they’re wrong.  Yes, it’s inconvenient.  Yes, it’s difficult.  Yes, it means admitting that maybe your parents & grandparents were wrong about some things.  And, yes, that is HARD.  But the truth of the matter is there is still systemic racism in our society today- perhaps most notably in the police force- & if we as white people don’t admit that & work on it, the violence & injustice from all “sides” will never end. 

I hope that this has come across as compassionately as I intended it.  I hope that anyone who reads this can see that my heart is bleeding for all of those who are hurting right now for so many different reasons.  Most importantly I hope that we’ll all take a moment to react with love, compassion, & empathy rather than with judgment, hate, or anger.  

 

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