The Inadequacy Illusion


Do you ever find yourself feeling inadequate in today’s era of social media?  I know I do.  Actually I don’t think I need social media to feel inadequate from time to time, but I do think it can exacerbate things which is why I’m trying to limit my use of it.  Anyway, the following is a list of the things that make me feel inadequate on a regular basis.

inadequate mom

I laughed! But in all seriousness, I don’t do crunchy mom blogs because I can only imagine how inadequate they would make me feel.  I ain’t got time for that.

  • I’m 20 lbs overweight
  • I don’t eat as healthily as I should (though pretty well by American standards)
  • I hate running
  • My jeans are not a single digit size anymore
  • I hate decorating, crafts, scrap-booking, & all that cutesy stuff
  • I get frustrated with my toddler way more than I feel like I “should”
  • I don’t eat all organic, non-GMO or use only all-natural products . . . or even really care to do so
  • I have no interest in going back to school for a master’s or doctorate degreedont compare

And the following is a list of reasons why all of the above are basically nonsense

  • I’m stronger than the average woman
  • I eat a lot more healthily than I used to
  • I love lifting weights & taking long walks
  • I’m not defined by the size of jeans I wear . . . And I AM working on losing weight because I know it is important for my long-term health.
  • Anyone who judges me for not being a “Pinterest mom” isn’t my friend anyway
  • Toddlers are frustrating by definition . . . But also sweet & adorable, thankfully!
  • Listen, we’re all dying some day.  Sure it’s great to be as healthy as possible but I’m not going to obsess over every little ingredient in my life . . . Besides, arsenic is 100% natural- & it will surely kill you.  So yeah, there’s that.
  • I have the rest of my life to work or go back to school . . . But my baby will only be little once, so I’m going to soak up these years while I can because I know they’ll be gone before I know it.pinterest mom

Moreover, I’m trying to remind myself that for every time I feel bad about myself for one of the above reasons, there is probably someone out there who wishes she (or he) had my life.  I refuse to berate myself for having feelings of inadequacy because that’s just a never-ending cycle of guilt that gets me nowhere, but I AM trying to take a step back & think about all the many wonderful things in my life & how grateful I am to be where I am today.  At the end of the day, I think we all have this illusion that our lives are inadequate in one way or another- & we just need to learn that it’s just that- an illusion.  I might not be as patient as I wish I were- but at least I’m aware of it & working on it.  I might not be the perfect embodiment of attachment parenting- or any other parenting model, for that matter- but I’m trying my best & I have a happy, healthy child who is proof that I must be doing something right.  And right now, that is good enough for me.

 

“Am I the Only One?”- Mom Edition


Hello, moms of the world.  Does anyone else feel like they just don’t relate well to babies & toddlers?  I love Rachel with every fiber of my being & there are some things I absolutely love about this age (18 months) but I also have to admit that sometimes I really struggle.  The tantrums are starting &- just like she did with her screaming fits as an infant- she reserves the vast majority of them for me.  I know in some ways this is a compliment because it means she is most comfortable with me.  After all, even as adults we typically save our “tantrums” for our spouses or significant others because they’re the people we feel the most comfortable with & we know they won’t just kick us to the curb even if we aren’t our most lovable.  But it’s still hard, especially since I’m a very logical, pragmatic person & babies & toddlers are anything BUT logical & pragmatic.motherhood not for sissies

Sometimes I just can’t help but look at other moms & feel like I’m on the outside looking in at all these women who just naturally know how to relate to babies & toddlers, meanwhile I’m over here like “I have no idea what I’m doing.”  I know that we all struggle some days & no one is actually perfect, but I constantly hear moms say how the first few years are the “best times” & I just can’t help but feel like that isn’t going to be true for me.  Trust me, I LOVE my time with Rachel.  I am in no way rushing things.  I know I will have loads of wonderful memories from these early years (I already do).  Yet I just can’t help but feel like my time to really blossom as a mom is going to be when she’s a bit older.  And is that really so horrible?  I don’t think so.outsidelookingin

Trust me, I love watching Rachel explore the world around her & find so much joy in the simplest things like twigs or leaves or blades of grass.  I LOVE it.  But I also can’t wait to be able to take her hiking in the mountains & to concerts & to really explore the world around us in a more adult way.  I know she’ll lose her “innocence” as she gets older & while that is hard to accept I think it’s worth it because she’ll gain so much more.  And is that really such an awful thing?  I think not.Anxiety mental health symbol isolated on white. Mental disorder icon design

Please tell me I’m not the only one who feels this way.  My anxiety likes to convince me that I’m crazy & that no one else feels like I do, but logically I know there have to be other moms out there like me- even if we are the minority.

You’re Not Special


2018 is shaping up to be an excellent year for rock music.  Quite a few great albums have already been released thus far & we’re not even half way through the year yet.  One of those albums is Shinedown’s latest effort Attention, Attention which debuted just this past Friday.  I enjoyed their previous album Threat to Survival but it was definitely not my favorite of theirs largely because it just felt too “soft” to me.  However, Attention, Attention is clearly a return to a heavier sound which I’m really pleased to hear.  Ironically though, it’s one of the lighter songs on the record that has really resonated with me this week.  The song is number twelve on the disc & is entitled Specialattention shinedown

I’m not sure why this song is speaking to me so much this week but it is.  Perhaps it’s because it’s so easy to get caught up in the anxieties & hassles of life & get stuck in the trap of thinking “I’m the only person who’s ever experienced this,” “No one really knows what I’m going through,” or “Nobody gets me!”  The truth is we are all unique in some ways & yet we are all the same in so many more ways.  We all struggle with the same basic things in life & yet so often we allow our differences to divide us rather than allowing our shared humanity to unite us.diverse kids

Maybe it wasn’t the intended message of this song but I find it really inspirational to stop feeling sorry for myself for certain things & to just get up, get going, & kick ass like I know I can if I, to borrow a Nike phrase, JUST DO IT.  In the social media age, it’s so easy to compare ourselves to others & feel like other people have things more together than we do but such thinking gets us nowhere; it literally accomplishes nothing.  And there is absolutely no reason to compare our lives anyway.  We all end up in the same grave at the end.  Trying to compete with others is a battle in which no one wins but everyone loses.  comparison

The song’s lyrics are below.  Definitely check it out in the link I posted above.

Hurry up before you go & get old
Hurry up before your blood runs cold
None of us were ever meant to stay
We’re all gonna find out one day

You see life’s too short to run it like a race
So it’s never gonna matter if you win first place
Cause we’re all the same

Stop waiting on your fifteen minutes of fame
Cause you’re not special
I’m not trying to rain on your parade
But you’re not special
I’m not trying to bring you down
I’m not trying to sound so ineffectual
But you’re not special

Hurry up before the bottle kicks in
Before the poison & the pain sets in
If you take it down a notch & you let me explain
That on this earth we are all the same
And all I can say is

Stop waiting on your fifteen minutes of fame
Cause you’re not special
I’m not trying to rain on your parade
But you’re not special
I’m not trying to bring you down
I’m not trying to sound so ineffectual
Cause you’re not special

We all live to love
We all fall apart
We’d all go to war
For the faint of heart
Instead we’re condescending
There are no happy endings
I won’t hold my breath
I won’t cast a doubt
I’d never sell you out
But I’ll give you one last chance to own it
Cause you’re not a God or a poet so

Stop waiting on your fifteen minutes of fame
Cause you’re not special
I’m not trying to rain on your parade
But you’re not special
I’m not trying to bring you down
I’m not trying to sound so ineffectual
But you’re not special

not special

Why Rodan & Fields?


Back in January I posted about joining Rodan & Fields as an independent skincare consultant.  My life has been a total whirlwind lately so I haven’t posted on here in ages but I’ve really been wanting to write a post exploring more in depth about why I chose THIS particular company.  Rachel just went down for a nap so I’m going to take advantage of this free time to share my story with y’all.  Because I’ve got other tasks I need to accomplish during her nap time this is going to be in bullet format & probably not as eloquent as I’d like but I’ll do the best I can.rodan and fields

  1. First & foremost, I joined Rodan & Fields because I had already been using the products for almost an entire year & I knew that these products really work.  This company isn’t a gimmick.  It was started by two world-renowned dermatologists (Dr. Katie Rodan & Dr. Kathy Fields) who created these products based on their extensive experience in the skincare field.  They are also extremely astute businesswomen who have built a billion dollar skincare company in a very short amount of time!  R&F products actually used to be sold in department stores like Nordstrom but the doctors realized that that business model was swiftly dying.  They knew e-commerce is where the money lies these days.  So they changed their whole business & decided to share the profits with independent distributors rather than big corporations!  Leading consultants in this business are everything from stay at home moms to nurses, doctors, lawyers, & teachers.  Being a saleswoman does NOT come naturally to me.  Hello, I’m the girl who HATED school fundraisers because I dreaded the thought of asking anyone to buy anything from me!  I never want to “burden” people or to make them think I’m only trying to make money off of them.  But when R&F’s Unblemish regimen cleared up my acne for the first time in almost two decades & gave me the clearest, most beautiful skin of my life, I knew I’d finally found something that was too good to keep to myself.  (Getting an extra discount on my favorite products for being a consultant is pretty nice too!)  Being an independent skincare consultant isn’t easy.  You do actually have to do the work to make a profit.  BUT these products are so effective that they really do sell themselves!rodan and fields products
  2. R&F’s business model is very simple.  A lot of MLM companies have a very complicated system for determining commissions.  And/or they require consultants to stock inventory, ship their own products, or sell a certain amount of products or recruit a certain number of new consultants each month in order to earn commission or continue to be a consultant.  R&F doesn’t do ANY of those things.  I don’t have to stock inventory.  I don’t have to ship orders (other than samples I CHOOSE to send to folks).  I don’t have to host parties.  I don’t have to recruit any other consultants.  I don’t have to sell a certain amount each month.  My life is way too busy to bother with all that stuff.  All I have to do is talk to people about our products, send them samples if they want some, & help them discover the best skin of their life . . . which leads right into my next point.Euromonitor #1 Skincare Brand in US 2017
  3. Great skin = greater confidence.  I have experienced this first hand after using R&F products, so one of my reasons for joining this business is the desire to help others achieve the same.  Furthermore, everyone has skin!  Not everyone wants jewelry, makeup, scented products, cleaning products, or nutritional supplements.  There is nothing wrong with selling any of those items, just to be clear.  I’m actually a customer of several other MLM companies who do sell those items.  But I’m going to be a real nerd here & share with you something I remember from history class back in high school.  (For my Appomattox folks, it was probably Mr. Servis’s tenth grade World History Part II class.)  In any case, I remember one of my history teachers talking about why the British empire was in the end much larger & more successful than the Spanish, Portuguese, French, or Italian empires.  The reason is that the British invested in wood & agriculture.  While these things don’t have the glitz & glamour of gold or silver, they’re essential items that people always need, regardless of the economy, war, or any other societal factor.  So while the British empire started slower, it actually grew to be the largest & most successful because it was so sustainable.  People might get tired of a lot of products they buy but no one is going to get tired of great skin.  And they’re never going to outgrow the need for quality skincare either.Euromonitor #1 Skincare Brand in North America
  4. Lastly, the most important reason I joined this company is to make it easier for me to continue working only part time as a nurse & thus be able to stay home with Rachel most days of the week.  I truly have no idea how full time working moms survive.  I’ve picked up some extra shifts at work lately & I’m definitely dragging because of it!  I’m not ready to give up my nursing career but I also LOVE the balance I have in my life only working part time.  However, I do miss the money I used to make working full time . . . The beautiful thing about R&F is that I can contribute some extra money to our family without being away from Rachel!  I can work this business anywhere!  All I need is a phone/computer with internet access.

    IMG_20180413_074526_089

    Here’s my baby!

I’ll end this post with a link to my website where you can check out all of R&F’s amazing products.  If you have any questions about this business or our products, please comment on this post or, better yet, email me at rlcarterrn@gmail.com.  I look forward to helping you achieve the best skin (& longest lashes!) of your life- & the confidence that comes with that!

Bad Mom Days


This is going to be word vomit because I’m having a rough day & I’m trying to bang this out before Rachel wakes up again.

Any other moms have bad mom days?  I know y’all must because it can’t just be me.  The last week or so has been a bit rough because Rachel is going through a nap transition in which she is slowly working down to one nap a day.  The problem is she gets up so early that sometimes she really does need a morning nap AND an afternoon nap- yet some days that afternoon nap just does NOT happen.  And that makes for one REALLY fussy toddler- & one really frustrated mama!

People are always telling me how happy & easy Rachel is which of course means at times like this when I’m struggling I constantly find myself thinking “Oh gosh, if this is what an easy toddler is like, how would I survive with a difficult one?”  Basically this is the exact same scenario I ran into when she was a newborn.  I felt like I was barely keeping my head above the water sometimes, yet people were always clamoring on about how easy she was.  So inside I was thinking “I’ll never make it if I have a difficult baby!”

thomas paine quote

He must have spent a lot of time arguing with toddlers. Ha!

I’m trying to remind myself that all moms struggle & that it’s ok if the baby/toddler phase isn’t my favorite.  Trust me, most of the time I really do enjoy Rachel’s current stage.  But it’s also really hard for me because babies & toddlers (especially young toddlers like her) do not have the capacity to understand logic & reason.  And if you know me at all, you know I am a very logical person . . .

So, as you can imagine, dealing with a person who is not capable of understanding logic & whose behavior is sometimes anything but logical can be quite a challenge.  On days like today I find myself feeling so inadequate because I feel like maybe I just wasn’t cut out to be a baby/toddler mom.  I feel like I’ll be an awesome mom when Rachel is older but right now I feel like other moms who really love babies & toddlers must be so much better than me.  I know that’s ridiculous & I must actually be doing a pretty damn good job or Rachel wouldn’t be so “easy & happy” like everyone tells me.  But it’s the way I feel right now.behind every kid

Then of course I start thinking about all the women I know who’ve struggled (or are still struggling) with infertility or who have had miscarriages.  And I feel so guilty for getting frustrated with Rachel when I know I should just be thankful I have her.  And trust me, I am very thankful for her!  However, that doesn’t mean that some days aren’t hard.  But the guilt is real, y’all.  mom guilt

Oh yeah, I also cut my finger while trying to cut a spaghetti squash this afternoon.  Thank goodness for a sweet neighbor who was able to come over & watch Rachel for a bit while I cleaned up my finger & got the bleeding to stop.  Clumsy-lina strikes again!

Ok, that’s it.  Just trying to decompress a bit so I can feel a bit more sane & face the rest of the day with a more peaceful brain.

 

The Rise of Incivility


In the wake of the horrific shooting at a high school in Parkland, Florida last week, I have once again seen how truly hateful people can be to each other. You would think tragedies like this would make us realize how important it is to be kind to others but instead it seems that we devolve into a chaotic world of (verbally) crucifying everyone who doesn’t agree with us. This comes from both “sides” of the political equation but I for one have found it be worse from the liberal side, ironically from those who frequently preach tolerance. If you disagree with some (not all, obviously) of these folks, they are so quick to tell you to go f*** yourself & to call you all kinds of horrible things (yes, this has happened to me). When you call them out on this infantile behavior, they have the gall to tell you that you deserve it for being such a horrible person!

gun-rights

I am really tired of being told that just because I support gun rights & don’t believe gun control laws are the answer to stopping school shootings that I am some horrible evil person who is obviously an inept mother. I would never make such claims about folks whose opinions are different than mine & I’d really love to receive the same respect back.

For years I thought the “religious right” were insufferable because of their frequent holier than thou attitude. Lo & behold I have found that the “liberal left” are often (not always, of course) equally as guilty of this obnoxious attitude. As it turns out a great deal of adults- both liberal & conservative- seem to truly enjoy having a smug sense of moral superiority over others. Argh.

dont have to agree to be kind

I really do not understand this puerile behavior. I have close friends who are far more liberal than I am, as well as close friends who are far more conservative than I am. But I get along with all of them. Why? Because we are all decent people! We know how to show respect to others & practice self-control. It’s really not that hard. I don’t see why so many adults struggle with this simple concept. I come across people I disagree with all the time but it doesn’t bother me. I am confident enough in my own beliefs that I don’t feel the need to lambaste anyone who disagrees with me. I certainly see no need to be rude or obnoxious to make my point or to try to bully others into changing their minds (it never works anyway). It’s a favorite ploy nowadays to call anyone who disagrees with you racist, sexist, or some other negative -ist. But I see no need to stoop to such tactics (though they are admittedly very effective) because all it does is shut down the chance of any productive discourse.

gun free zones.jpg

I for one think tragedies like last week’s make it obvious that having our schools as gun free zones is just an invitation to violence. It makes all of our precious children & teachers sitting ducks. Sure, I’d love to live in a world where it wasn’t necessary to have armed security (or even just teachers who were trained & thus could act as security if necessary) at our schools- but that just isn’t the world we live in. I know many are calling for bans on AR-15s & other such weapons & part of me is tempted to agree. But the thing is, criminals will always find a way to get these weapons because they are still going to be available, whether legally or illegally, even if we ban them now. We can already see how effective our gun laws are at keeping handguns out of the hands of convicted felons (hint- they aren’t!). If we could go back in time & make these weapons unavailable to anyone outside of law enforcement or the military, perhaps that would solve some of our problems. But we simply can’t do that. Should we make these kinds of weapons harder to obtain? Yes. Should someone with a history like Nikolas Cruz have been able to purchase weapons so easily? No. Should we do a better job of following up on reports of mentally unstable folks with access to weapons (like Nikolas Cruz)? Absolutely.

gun free zones dont work.jpg

But it seems to me a lot of these horrible tragedies could be averted by simply having a good guy with a gun readily available to fight off the bad guy with a gun. Anyone remember the church shooting in Sutherland Springs, Texas where a private armed citizen took out the crazed murdered before police could get to him? Yeah, funny how that case didn’t get nearly as much media attention. Oh wait, it doesn’t fit the mainstream narrative that guns are always evil.

steven willeford

Stephen Willeford, the private citizen who shot the shooter at a church in Sutherland Springs, TX in Nov 2017

Not to mention the people clamoring for more gun laws are often politicians who are protected by their own security who- guess what!- carry guns. Amazing! Now how is it that these folks think they are worthy of armed security but we as lowly private citizens- & our children- are not? Is it more likely that they will be attacked because of their positions? Maybe, but they’re also more likely to survive because they do have armed security.

laws dont stop violence

There are many reasons why we are seeing more school shootings these days. And it isn’t just about gun laws. There’s also the fact that there are so many children being raised without fathers. And the fact that mental healthcare is down right abysmal in this country. This is a very multi-faceted problem & anyone who thinks we can solve it purely through legislation is frankly naive. Just take a look at some of the cities with strictest gun laws in our nation (Baltimore, Chicago, & Washington DC come to mind) & you can see how effective strict gun laws are at stopping violent crime (hint: they aren’t!).

kindness dalai lama

The fact that so many grown adults can’t have a civil conversation about something without devolving into name-calling gives me very little hope that our society is going to experience any meaningful change. I frequently hear folks (both conservative & liberal) say they just aren’t going to share their opinions anymore because they are tired of being attacked for their beliefs. As someone who has always hated confrontation I can totally understand this sentiment. But I refuse to be intimidated into silence. And regardless of how uncivil anyone becomes, I will maintain civility because I am an adult with self respect & I don’t believe we will see any meaningful change in our society until we can at least have difficult conversations without behaving like spoiled brats. So go ahead: you can call me any names you want, you can tell me to go f*** myself as often as you like, but you can’t shut up me up because I for one don’t back down that easily.

*Some excellent thoughts on this issue: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=qzDKyfeHHa0

#Me Too- But . . .


The #metoo movement.  It’s everywhere these days.  And in some ways for good reason.  But I swear I can’t be the only one who has very mixed feelings about this whole phenomenon.  On the one hand I’m glad creeps like Harvey Weinstein are being exposed.  On the other hand, part of me is worried that this is turning into a witch hunt in which every woman who accuses a man of sexual impropriety is immediately believed & the man is immediately condemned with no evidence required whatsoever.  Now I understand that for many, many years it was quite the opposite but that doesn’t excuse throwing away all sense of logic & just believing every accusation we hear while dispensing with any sense of due process.me too.jpg

Also, I have not been raped so I cannot propose to suggest how a rape victim (male or female) “should” behave after such a horrifying event.  But what I can say is that, like most other women, I have experienced a certain amount of sexual harassment in my life.  Just for context I will explain a bit of what I’ve experienced & how I handled it.

When I was in college I worked at a restaurant where I had a manager who had a tendency to make sexualized remarks/jokes.  I was very uncomfortable around him, especially after a fellow server told me this manager had been making sexual remarks about me behind my back.  Later that night this man had the gall to make such a joke to my face.  I immediately responded by telling him he could not talk to me like that.  I told him “This is my job & I expect to be respected, especially by someone who is a manager.”   I walked out of that building terrified that he was going to find some reason to get me fired.  But you know what actually happened?  One of the other managers spoke to me about it (because he apparently reported to her than an “incident” had happened) & I explained how uncomfortable he had made me.  She told me she had spoken to him about the behavior & how it was unacceptable.  From that day forward I had zero problems with this guy.  He actually made an effort to be nice to me & I was actually disappointed when he left to go to another restaurant several months later.me too 2.png

Now I’m not excusing his initial behavior.  But I’m showcasing how my response shut it down immediately & how we were able to work past this incident to still work together.  I understand not every case is going to end like this.  But my point is that, especially as women, the behavior we tolerate is the behavior we’re going to get.  So if you don’t like how you’re being treated, SAY something, DO something!  Don’t just smile & nod & hope it gets better.tolerate quote

The other incident of sexual harassment I’d like to share was actually much more hideous.  A former employer of mine, whom I had greatly admired & trusted, started sending me texts asking for sex & offering to buy me liquor & meet me at a hotel.  Now this man was married & over twice my age!  I was horrified.  Absolutely horrified- perhaps even moreso because I knew his wife & mother.  It was a very precarious situation too because I had been hoping to receive a letter of recommendation from him.  But I also knew that I couldn’t mess around with this kind of thing.  There was no way in hell I was meeting him at a hotel.  So I immediately shut him down & told him what amounted to a big, fat “hell no.”  And then I erased his number from my phone.  As it turned out, a few months later I found out that this man actually had a history of questionable sexual behavior, & several years down the road I found out he had been formally accused of sexual harassment by another employee.

The point of all this is: yes, sexual harassment happens to most women, even when we are in no way asking for it.  And it SUCKS.  But a lot of times we have the power to stop it.  Or at least escape it.  I’m not excusing the behavior; it’s totally wrong.  But it is NOT the same thing as sexual assault or rape.  Yet what I’m starting to notice is that a lot of women are conflating sexual harassment with rape.  Or worse yet their own sexual regret with rape.aziz ansari

The case that particularly brings this to light is the case of Aziz Ansari.  If you’re not familiar with him, he’s a comedian who prides himself on being a feminist.  BUT he’s now being accused of sexual assault by a woman he took on a date a year ago.  The trouble is this: I’ve read through the woman’s statement on their encounter & while I find Ansari’s behavior revolting in many ways, what I’m reading in no way sounds like true sexual assault- certainly not rape.  There are so many instances where the accuser relates being uncomfortable, yet she admits that she did not speak up about how she was feeling.  For example, she was uncomfortable with how quickly Ansari wanted to leave the restaurant, yet she didn’t ask to stay longer & still willingly went back to his apartment.  The woman admits “Most of my discomfort was expressed in me pulling away and mumbling. I know that my hand stopped moving at some points.”  At no point does she relate that he was physically forcing her to engage in any sort of sex.  Nor does she state that she ever unequivocally said “no” or “stop” or anything of the sort.  Once again, I’m not saying Ansari shouldn’t have read her physical cues that she wasn’t interested.  He clearly should have.  But what I’m getting out of this story is that the woman didn’t have the strength to say no (for whatever reason) & is now trying to cry foul to make up for her own sexual regret.  Sexual regret ≠ rape!  It just doesn’t!  Am I crazy for thinking that?  Am I victim-blaming?  I honestly don’t think so but I’m sure I will be accused of it before long.  (Even the New York Times is standing up for Aziz Ansari, so that ought to tell you something about how stupid this situation is!)

no means no.jpg

No means no, but we do actually need to SAY it!

When it comes to the cases against Harvey Weinstein, some of them are pretty clearly rape.  But I still have to ask myself why any woman in her right mind would agree to hold a “business” meeting with a man she doesn’t know (or barely knows) in a hotel room.  And worse yet, when he answered the door in a bathrobe, I’m legitimately confused as to why these women didn’t just walk away.  I really don’t see how that wasn’t a huge red flag!  I cannot help but wonder if some of these women begrudgingly went along with sex with him because they thought it would help their careers.  I mean, these women cannot have been so naive as to not know that the term casting couch exists for a reason!  Again that does NOT make the concept ok.  But the fact of the matter is if a woman consents to sex in order to try to advance her career (or any other reason), that is NOT rape.  Is it unethical & gross?  Sure.  But it’s NOT rape.  Again, if Weinstein truly forced these women into it, then, yes, it was rape.  But the sad truth is if they aren’t reporting it until now there isn’t much that can be done about it.  Any physical evidence is long gone.regret does not equal rape

I can certainly understand why women don’t always report sexual assault & rape, particularly if the perpetrator is someone in power.  But the problem is that if women don’t report these crimes, the men are still out there, free to terrorize other women.  Plus, if we women don’t stand up for ourselves, who will?  Furthermore, if we wait 5, 10, or 20 years or more to call out the men who’ve abused us, how can we expect real justice?  It’s not like there is going to be any real evidence left at that point.  And as much as it sucks, rape is a serious charge & a man SHOULDN’T be sent to prison for such a crime if the only evidence against him is a woman’s word.  There is simply too much room for error with that.   (E.g. Duke lacrosse case, the erroneous Rolling Stones article about the rape at UVA, Jemma Beale, etc.)false rape claim

What it boils down to is this: I believe women are the intellectual equals of men.  We are obviously not physically equal in the sense that we ARE different & that the vast majority of men are physically stronger than women.  That’s just biology.  But when it comes to making our own decisions- having our own agency, so to speak- I believe women are every bit as capable & responsible as men.  We are 100% capable of saying what we want, how, & when.  And of walking away when a situation makes us uncomfortable.  If we choose to get drunk with someone, knowing we might agree to have sex with them while inebriated, even if we wouldn’t while sober, that’s our choice.  And we need to live with the consequences because we are adults & that’s what adults do.  Now if someone spikes our drink, that’s a whole other story, obviously . . . But if we agree to have sex with someone, for whatever reason, & then regret it later, that isn’t rape.  That’s just poor decision making, plain & simple.  choices

Thoughts?  Please share!  I’d love to hear from you.