The 10 Best Albums of 2013


I realize it’s a little late into 2014 to be writing this, but I didn’t get the idea until mid-way through January & it took me a while to compile this list, so I’m going ahead with it anyway even if the post seems a bit belated.  A few of these albums were actually released in 2012 but didn’t become truly popular until 2013, or at the very least I didn’t discover them until 2013 so I’ve included them anyway.  I’ll be upfront & tell you that 90% of these albums are rock albums, so if you don’t like rock music I guess this post isn’t for you.  But I challenge you to read it anyway because you never know what might trigger your interest.

Aside from #1, these are in no particular order.

I’ve included links to at least one of my favorite songs from each album because I’m awesome like that.  🙂  At the end I’ve also included some of my most anticipated album releases for 2014.

1.       The House of Gold & Bones, Volumes 1 & 2 by Stone Sour

It’s nigh impossible for me to pick a favorite album of all time but if I had to do it, I think this dual-album would be my choice.  There are a lot of reasons I say that, not the least of which is that I find myself subconsciously judging other albums based on this one.  I don’t mean to do that because consciously I realize that a concept album such as this is not THE standard for all albums ever made & yet this one is just so breathtaking that it’s become my point of comparison for just about everything.  I didn’t know a lot of Stone Sour music before this dual-album debuted, but when I started hearing Absolute Zero on the radio I fell in love immediately.  I was at Best Buy purchasing another album one day & just happened to see Volume 1 of The House of Gold & Bones & decided to take a chance on it.  Best decision ever.  Within a few weeks of purchasing Volume 1, I was completely entranced.  Every single song is just so perfect & they all flow together like a rock symphony so that often it is difficult to tell where one song ends & another begins.  Volume 2 is exactly the same way.  Between the two Volume 1 is my favorite but honestly they are both phenomenal.  From ballads to harder songs that are more Slipknot in feel, the vocals, the lyrics, the music itself, everything is in top form.  Just about every emotion human beings can experience is touched on in these songs.  There is so much more I could say about this dual-album but I’ll stop now for fear of boring you.  Just buy the albums.  You won’t regret it.

Volume 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r7dHBjXnbtk

Volume 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LwkGatmflbw

2.       Same Trailer, Different Park by Kacey Musgraves

May I just say that I am really proud of myself for having this album months before Kacey Musgraves started garnering national attention & winning a very well-deserved Grammy?  I used to be so behind the times when it came to music & popular culture & I still am in a lot of ways, but with music I am often quite ahead of my time nowadays, at least in certain genres.  It’s often been said that Kacey Musgraves sings country music for people who don’t like country music.  I think the reason for that is that Kacey’s lyrics are so profound while also being extremely witty.  She also isn’t afraid to write about the nastier side of small town life.  While most popular country stars are singing about pick-up trucks, fishing, & drinking beer, Kacey is penning such scathing & controversial but inspiring songs as Merry Go Round & Follow Your Arrow.  Every single song on this album is a real winner & it’s rare for me to say that, especially about a country album.  If you don’t want to buy the album or don’t typically like country music, just look her up on YouTube.  You might end up buying the album after hearing some more of her songs, just like I did.  (Also of note, Kacey has written many popular songs sung by other country artists including the recent Miranda Lambert hit Mama’s Broken Heart.  No offense to Miranda, but I like Kacey’s version of it even better.  Again, look it up on YouTube.)  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qo212zOUKxI

3.       The Wrong Side of Heaven & the Righteous Side of Hell, Volumes 1 & 2 by Five Finger Death Punch

FFDP is one of those rare bands whose songs I almost always fall in love with immediately upon hearing them.  They are just that good.  From ballads to thrashing rock & roll anthems, Ivan Moody’s voice is mesmerizing & the band behind him is top-notch in every way.  When you hear a FFDP song, there’s never any question about whose song it is.  You just know.  Like Stone Sour, FFDP released a dual-album in 2013.  These are not concept albums but they are fantastic nonetheless.  There are plenty of the traditional “angry” songs for which FFDP is famous, but there are also plenty of powerful ballads.  The titular song on the first album is one of my favorites along with Battle Born & Cradle to the Grave on Volume 2.  Volume 1 contains several compilations with other artists including Rob Halford from Judas Priest & Maria Brink from In This Moment.  There is also a remake of the LL Cool J song Mama Said Knock You Out featuring the rapper Tech N9ne.  A hard rock/metal band remaking a rap song?  Yes, that’s right.  And it’s amazing.  There’s a reason FFDP is the number one band I listen to on the way to work: their music is just so energizing.  Is it ironic that what most people would consider to be “angry” music energizes me to provide compassionate care to sick people?  Maybe, maybe not.  There’s a lot more to this kind of music if you just take the time to listen a little deeper.  Bottom line: whether you are already familiar with FFDP or not, check out these albums today.

Volume 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DxVQX95GtgU

Volume 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LyA1GL1touw

4.       Amaryllis by Shinedown

This is definitely a 2012 album but I love it so much that I decided to include it anyway.  I know a certain segment of rock/metal fans think Shinedown isn’t “hard-core” enough for their taste, but I’ve always found that to be a rather superficial & undeserving judgment.  Shinedown is one of those rare rock bands who have somehow found that “sweet spot” of writing songs that are “tame” enough to be played on mainstream radio (sometimes even on stations that aren’t pure rock stations) while not becoming a pop band.  I’ve seen Shinedown in concert twice & each time my respect for them has only increased.  Amaryllis is an album that covers a vast amount of subject matter as well as an impressive range of musical styles.  There isn’t even one song on this album that I would give less than 4 stars.  If you don’t usually like rock music, I’d recommend Shinedown as a great place to start.  It’s not necessarily that their music is “softer;” they just seem to have a way of reaching out to people across all genres of music.  Even in their more angry/cynical songs, Shinedown has a way of inspiring hope.  Perhaps that is what makes them so powerful. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZGhJKiMR4XY

5.       The Strange Case Of… by Halestorm

I had the privilege of seeing Halestorm live in 2013 & the best way to sum up that experience is this: I can’t wait to see them again, preferably on a head-lining tour.  A hard rock band with touches of metal here & there with a seriously bad-ass female lead singer?  I mean, what is not to like here?  The Strange Case Of… is a great follow-up to Halestorm’s first album.  From the fast-paced Grammy award-winning Love Bites to powerful ballads like Break In & Here’s to Us, Halestorm is in top form in every way on this album.  In the traditionally male-dominated world of rock & roll Lzzy Hale makes female rock fans like me feel right at home.  At the same time, her music is far from “feminine” & many of her top fans are actually guys.  And it’s not just because she’s sexy.  She, & her band which includes her brother Arejay on drums, is seriously talented too.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FmkHqUwa4zg

6.       Blood by In This Moment

I had never heard of In This Moment until 2013.  As soon as I heard the titular song Blood, I knew I had to have the whole album.  Maria Brink & her band are just that talented.  This isn’t music for the faint of heart; it’s raw & sometimes a little raunchy.  But, wow, it is powerful! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ulgE1v1eyRk

7.       Onyx by Pop Evil

I am proud to say I owned all three of Pop Evil’s albums before they became more mainstream this past year with the success of their hit singles Trenches & Deal With the Devil off of their 2013 album Onyx.  I first started listening to Pop Evil after the moderate success of  Monster You Made in 2011.  It was that song that prompted me to buy their first two albums & I was thoroughly impressed with both of them.  Then came Onyx.  Each album Pop Evil has released gets better & better so I can only imagine what their next album will be like.  Pop Evil is definitely on my list of bands that I most want to see live in the next year or two.  (P.S. Ladies, the lead singer Leigh Kakaty is a sight for sore eyes.  Do a quick Google image search & I promise you’ll thank me.)  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DWdtN7pCZug

8.       Fortress by Alter Bridge

Alter Bridge is one of those American bands who have actually had greater success in Europe than here in their own country.  But I’ve been a fan since high school, thanks originally to my husband.  In any case Fortress has made it on many lists of top albums for 2013 & rightfully so.  This isn’t an album that you’ll fall in love with at first listen.  Or at least you might not.  Alter Bridge isn’t known for writing songs with super catchy tunes; in other words they don’t always get stuck in your head immediately.  But what marks them as a truly great band is that their music gets better & better the more you listen to it.  Their music is like an onion; there are so many layers & each time you listen you hear a little more & a little more.  To me that is the mark of great musicianship & these guys have it.  I think Alter Bridge has always resonated with me because they aren’t a flashy band & their music somehow walks the fine line of facing the harsh darkness of life while always retaining a bit of hope.  To me they are a band that will stand the test of time, & I won’t be surprised if fifty years from now they are more respected & popular than they are now.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7M9QxzpTjec

9.       Brave, Bold, & Broken by Mindset Evolution

I first heard ME at Uproar Festival in Raleigh in Sept 2012.  At that point they only had a 5-song “album” out but I bought & loved every song on it.  So when their first full-length album debuted in 2013 I purchased it the very day it came out.  And I’ve been nothing short of pleased.  Why these guys don’t get more radio-play I’ll never understand. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-fFHCXscp3k

10.   Outlaw Gentlemen & Shady Ladies by Volbeat

Ok, here’s a rock album that evokes the feeling of the American Wild West.  As if that isn’t a great enough feat on its own, consider that Volbeat isn’t even an American rock band.  They are actually a Danish band!  I’m not sure that this album really qualifies as a concept album, but all of the songs are about characters from the Wild West.  Volbeat is another of those bands whom you can never mistake for anyone else, yet somehow they manage to really evoke the sound of the Wild West in these songs while still remaining true to their own unique sound.  It’s seriously impressive stuff.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dj1sVQ2qdnI

And lastly, my most anticipated albums of 2014:

The Outsiders by Eric Church (debuting tomorrow, February 11!)  I have a soft spot in my heart for this NC native because he is passionately devoted to his MUSIC above all else.  He comes across as kind of rough around the edges, but in reality he’s a family man who travels with his wife & infant son on his tour bus.  I admire his willingness to speak whatever’s on his mind even when it’s not always popular & his refusal to bend to the whims of popular opinion.  I’m also partial to his music because of its rock & roll feel.  Going to one of his concerts felt like being at a redneck rock concert.  Needless to say, I loved it & would love to see him live again someday.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I_P-YNJIdNc

Magic Mountain by Black Stone Cherry (coming May 6)  BSC is a band I discovered in 2013 after seeing a picture of an Alter Bridge member wearing a BSC sweatshirt.  I figured if Alter Bridge liked them, they had to be good.  And they are!  The 2011 album Between the Devil & the Deep Blue Sea by these small-town Kentucky rockers is fabulous & has me eagerly anticipating their new album this year.  I love the fact that BSC’s music has a very Southern rock feel while still being very hard-core.  I also must point out that the current Florida-Georgia Line hit Stay is actually a BSC song from their 2011 album mentioned above.  It really grinds my gears that BSC isn’t getting credit for that song.  (Sorry FGL fans, but their version sucks anyway.)

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Shut Up, Brain!


“Shut up, brain!”

Does anyone else find themselves saying this a lot?  I sure do.  If there’s anything I love about myself it’s the fact that I’m very introspective & analytical.  I can never stop thinking, thinking, thinking all the time.  This is either a sign of intelligence or insanity or perhaps both; I’ve never been quite sure.  In any case, this aspect of me is both my most loved & most hated attribute.  I love being introspective & analytical because it makes me a good writer (how else do I makes sense of all the ideas dancing around non-stop in my brain?) & a good nurse (or at least I like to think so).  It also makes me a good friend, a good wife, a good person.

brain

On the other hand I hate it because it makes me anxious, prematurely “old,” & generally odd.  It makes me the kind of person who doesn’t get invited to a lot of parties or bars.  It makes me that weirdo who actually STRUGGLES with relaxing.  Yes, I know, ridiculous, right?  You know how many times in my life people have casually told me “Drink some wine.  Have a beer.  Just relax”?  If I had a dollar for each of these occurrences, I’d be quite wealthy by now.  But I don’t.  If only these people understood what it was like to have that voice in your head that never shuts up, that even alcohol isn’t capable of silencing.  That unrelenting thirst for knowledge, emotional depth, & intimacy & the never-ending curiosity that sends the mind reeling with endless questions, many of which will never have solid answers, at all hours of day & night.  On rare occasions a glass of wine really is relaxing for me.  But most of the time it just makes me pee a lot.  Tonight is the latter unfortunately.

I’ve often said if I could change anything about myself, I would change the fact that I am such a “serious” person who truly does struggle with the ability to relax.  I don’t even know how to really describe this phenomenon because it’s not that I don’t have fun or enjoy life.  I certainly do.  It’s just that there’s always that voice in my head that never STOPS.  I’m not talking about hallucinations here.  I’m just saying that I can never stop THINKING, THINKING, THINKING all the damn time about EVERYTHING.  It’s really quite exhausting.  There are times in my life like tonight where I think I’d trade everything I have to know what it’s like to just say “I’m not going to think about such & such right now” & actually do it.  To look at a situation & not probe so far beneath the surface.  To look at a baby & see only the wonderful side of motherhood instead of thinking too about all of the work it involves & how I’ll never be up to the task.  Arghh.

In the end though it’s this analytical introspectiveness that defines me more than anything else.  For better or worse, it’s what makes me who I am.  And I know there is a place in the world for people like me.  We’re needed just as much as anyone else, even if we’re never going to be the “life of the party” so to speak.  I like to think it’s this highly analytical thinking that makes me appreciate the simple things in life so much: the beauty of a sunset, the sound of the breeze rustling through the trees, the way the frost makes everything look so magical in the mornings, the intensity of emotions that music (even, or perhaps especially, music without words) can incite.  In any case, this is the hand I’ve been dealt & I’m going to play it the best I can.

So, brain, carry on; do what you do best: THINK about everything all the time.  But just leave me with enough sanity to remember that I’m not alone & that life really is amazing.  Thanks.

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6 Reasons Why I’m Proud of My Generation


It seems that lately I’ve heard a lot of criticism of my generation.  It usually goes something like this: We’re lazy.  We’re entitled.  (Or we think we’re entitled.)  We have no patience.  We can’t get our hands off of our smart phones.  We’re too sexually promiscuous.  We don’t know how to dress appropriately.  And the list goes on and on.  Frankly, I’m tired of it.  May I be so bold as to say that such criticisms offend me on two levels: on a personal level because I know these criticisms cannot be fairly applied to me & on a more general level because I know that these criticisms also cannot be fairly applied to the majority of my generation?  In light of that, perhaps I should just shrug off this negativity & forget it.  And usually that is what I do.  But this is a subject that’s been brewing in my mind for quite some time now.  I don’t know that I’ve really thought of it explicitly as a potential blog topic, but it’s just an idea that’s been running through my head for a while now.  As I was driving to my flute group practice today, I started composing this blog post in my mind.  I got to practice & all I could think about was “I’ve got to get home & start writing before I forget this!”  If you’re a fellow writer, I’m sure you know exactly how this feels.  So here we go.  Here’s my response to all those nay-sayers who say my generation is going to hell in a hand-basket or running the world into the ground or whatever else.

millenials

I’m proud of my generation.  To be fair, I’m not sure exactly how to define the term “my generation” but generally I think of anyone who is now about 20-30 as within my generation (that’s anyone within five years older than me & five years younger than me).  To me we are the last generation to grow up without computers as a mainstay of our lives from birth, yet we are one of the first generations to be well versed in computers, ipods, & other such technology as teenagers & young adults.  I see my generation, especially those of us from rural areas where high-speed internet access is still far from universal, as straddling the gap between those who had to learn computers & other such technology as adults & those who grew up with it from day one.  Now on to the meat of the piece: the reasons why I’m proud of my generation.

1. I’m proud of my generation because of our acceptance of those who are different from us.  A great example of this is how common interracial relationships & marriages are in our generation.  Especially in a multi-cultural city like Raleigh, it’s very common for me to see couples at the mall or other public places who are composed of everything from a white man and a black woman to an Asian woman and a white man to any other combination you can think of.  And most of them are from my generation.  As much as I often rail against the mainstream media, take a glance at modern-day ads or TV (much of which is aimed at my generation) & you’ll quickly see that mixed race models & actors are all the rage (& fairly so, for many of them are drop-dead gorgeous.)  [Think Jennifer Lopez, Shemar Moore, etc.]  While older generations still can’t seem to grasp this concept, my generation has realized that all relationships are made up of people with different backgrounds & points of view & thus an interracial or inter-cultural relationship really isn’t that different than any other relationship.  To put this in simple terms consider that I as a white American female probably have more in common with your average black American male than with a white man from another culture, say Eastern Europe.  And yet I know there are plenty of folks from older generations who would much prefer to see me dating a white Eastern European guy than a black American guy . . . If you think that people aren’t capable of overcoming cultural differences to establish & maintain a relationship, then you have far too low an opinion of humanity.  Consider that perhaps the greatest challenge for those in inter-racial relationships is actually dealing with the REACTIONS of those around them, rather than some inherent challenge found in dating someone of another race.  Hmmm . . .

To follow in the same vein, I am proud of my generation for how many of us support equal rights, including marriage, for gays and lesbians.  Not everyone of my generation agrees with this obviously, but I daresay a greater percentage of people from our generation are in favor of gay rights/marriage than from any other generation.  This isn’t meant to be a post about gay rights, but it does warm my heart to see how even those of us from conservative religious backgrounds (such as myself) are questioning some of the things we were taught growing up & realizing that gay rights are a cause we can’t help but support.

2. I’m also proud of my generation for being adept at using technology & handling change.  As a generation who grew up with massive change in technology both at home & in school, we are thus adept at handling new technology in the workplace, even though we’re often fully aware that whatever technology we’re now embracing will probably soon be replaced by something newer & better.  Consider that just between elementary & high school we went from using floppy discs to flashdrives, from cassette tapes to CDs, & from VHS to DVDs.  Thus, we are both swift to learn how to use technology and how to teach others to use it.  Instead of fearing change, we are often the employees who push for change because we are able to see how it can benefit us.  Is it true that some of us spend entirely too much time on our smart phones & seem barely capable of holding a real conversation?  Yes, but I truly believe this isn’t the norm.  I have tons of friends & coworkers of my generation who are fully capable of carrying on in-depth conversations with people of our own & other generations.  But we also know how to use our smart phones to help us navigate a new city or find the closest WalMart or CVS.  Really, how can you say that’s such a bad thing?

3. Yet another reason I’m proud of my generation is for our critical thinking skills.  Gone are the days when people believe anything someone says just because they said it.  No, we are the generation raised on science & because of that you can’t just expect us to follow you hook, line, & sinker without a lot of good facts to back up whatever is you’re trying to “sell” us.  These are the days of Google & you better believe that when we’re shopping for a new car, we’ve already looked up the Kelly Bluebook value online, not to mention user reviews from previous buyers.   Basically, it’s a lot harder to “snow” us.  If we’re interested in religion or philosophy, you better believe we won’t be satisfied with simple answers to complicated questions.  And you better believe we will never stop asking questions & we’ll have no problem leaving behind anyone who tells us our questions are inappropriate or unnecessary.

4. I’m proud of my generation for working hard often with little reward.  We are the generation who were raised to be believe we could be anything & that any college degree, no matter how obscure, would land us a well-paying job for the rest of our lives.  The more insightful of us realized this was always a bit of a fallacy, but many of us believed it because for prior generations it was largely true.  However, right around the time we were graduating from college is when the economy crashed & suddenly many of us were left with mountains of debt & useless degrees.  Suddenly we are competing for the same jobs as our counterparts with “mere” high school diplomas.  Because of our school loans, many of us are having to live at home with our parents or put off marriage & family plans.  Many of us are waking up to the sad reality that we may never be as well-off as our parents.  And that Social Security won’t exist for our generation (because the program is already financially teetering on the edge of disaster) even though we will pay into it for the rest of our lives.  (While much of this is not true for me as a nurse, I do see it all around me in my generation.)  Despite all of these obstacles, I see many folks of my generation creating successful careers whether they be in healthcare, teaching, advertising, network marketing, photography, etc.  For example three of my favorite photography blogs are run by women who are all under 30.  In fact I’m quite sure the eldest of them is 27 or 28 & they are all very successful.  Even though we’re facing obstacles we may not have realized would exist, we are rising to the challenge & eventually employers are going to realize what a valuable resource we are.

5. I’m proud of my generation for leaving gender stereotypes in the dust.  I’m proud of us for realizing that men & women can share the housework, that not everything has to be written in stone as “the woman’s job” or “the man’s job.”  Yet I’m also proud of us for realizing that being a stay-at-home mom is just as legitimate & rewarding of a choice as having a high-powered career.  And that stay-at-home dads are a legitimate choice too.  Women can be doctors & lawyers, men can be nurses & teachers.  Basically we can do all whatever we want.

I could go on & on but for the sake of brevity (HAHA, I know I am pretty much incapable of ever writing anything brief!), I’ll end with this.

6. Perhaps more than anything, I’m proud of my generation for realizing the one thing that I think older generations largely could not grasp: that what’s right for some of us isn’t right for others of us, that there is no ONE right path for everyone, & that the greatest thing we can achieve in life is just to be happy & chase our dreams.

I realize this post would be “better” if I had addressed each of the criticisms I listed at the beginning, but I wanted to list the reasons for which I’m most proud of my generation, not just provide arguments against vague criticisms, some of which are a bit superficial anyway.

Before you say that this post is trashing older generations let me be clear & say that I have nothing but respect for older generations.  (For example, I’m one of those nurses who LOVES working with older people.)  Obviously older generations taught us a great deal & laid down the groundwork for where we are today.  For example, inter-racial marriage wouldn’t even be legal if not for the work of civil rights workers in the 1950’s & 60’s.  I’m fully aware that every generation thinks those that come after it are going to hell.  It’s just the way the world works.  So I will go ahead & ask in advance that when I’m 40 or 50 or 70 or whatever & start railing against my children or grandchildren’s generation, somebody send me the link to this blog post & remind me of how much I hated being criticized when I was young.  Please & thank you.  😉

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Finding Peace When Times are Hard


There was a shooting in my hometown today (about three hours away from where I now live).  Being a very small town in a very rural area, this isn’t exactly something you expect to read about when scrolling through your Facebook newsfeed.  But sadly this isn’t the first time there’s been a shooting in this supposedly peaceful place.  It’s the second hometown shooting I’ve found out about via Facebook just in the past four or five years.  In any case it goes without saying that this is a horrific tragedy that has no doubt affected countless individuals.  It’s ironic to me how so many people have this idea that small towns are inherently safer, more peaceful, and generally more moral than the rest of the world.  I can tell you from personal experience that they are not & that small towns are exactly how Agatha Christie used to describe them in her books: they are a microcosm for the larger world.  All the evil that exists in the world as a whole exists just as strongly in a small town.  It just might not seem quite as apparent if given only a cursory glance.  This isn’t a rant against small towns (even though I’ve long since realized that small town life just isn’t right for me anymore, at least at this stage of my life).  I’m just trying to say that evil is everywhere.  There’s no running from it.  No hiding from it.  However, despite what I often hear, especially at times like this, I don’t believe the world is getting any more evil than it’s ever been.  First of all there is absolutely no scientific way to measure that.  And second of all, I truly believe it’s only due to technology such as TV & the internet that we are more aware of so much of the evil in the world, which of course makes is seem like the world is getting worse & worse.  Perhaps if good news received even half the attention that bad news receives, we wouldn’t be so convinced that the world is “going to hell in a handbasket,” as it were.  But sensationalism sells . . .

times are hard

Anyway, at times like these, I find myself slipping into the cynicism that inevitably rears its ugly head whenever such senseless tragedies occur.  I did not personally know the victim but I interacted with her a handful of times growing up, as she worked in the local school system, & her son was involved in a teen group at my church when we were growing up but I haven’t seen or heard from him in many years.  The alleged perpetrator as I understand it, who at this writing is still at large, was a barber in town for many years & as such was well known in the community (somebody correct me if I’m wrong here).  I believe my dad used to go to his barber shop.    Point being, I don’t have a strong personal connection to this tragedy, but even so it is a shocking event that sends the mind reeling with questions about the uncertainty & unfairness of life.  I like to think of myself as mostly a positive person but I think at heart I am actually a realist.  I cannot help but see reality for exactly what it is most of the time.  For example as a nurse, I cannot help but realize how completely futile the care I provide is at times.  Or when I think about becoming a mom, I cannot help but realize how difficult & tiring of an undertaking that will be.  I often hear women say “Babies are cute but I just had no idea how much work this would be.”  When I hear such things, part of me wants to slap them in the face.  How could you NOT realize how much work a baby will be?  To me it’s just so obvious.  Just as it’s obvious to me that a 90 year old who cannot speak, eat, or care for herself in any way & generally has no quality of life should be a DNR and should not receive a feeding tube to prolong her misery.  But I’ve strayed from the point . . .

What I’m saying is I’m struggling right now to fight my way out of the darkness.  I know there are plenty of wonderful people in the world & I truly believe that good is stronger than evil.  If I didn’t, I don’t think I could keep going.  But when you’re presented with tragedies like this that quite literally hit close to home (the shooting occurred maybe two miles from my parents’ house), it’s easy to lose sight of that.  Having no strong personal connection to this horrifying event, I feel actually quite selfish being so upset by it.  I know the victim’s family & friends are suffering so much right now.  Yet I also know there are others like me who have no real connection to this story & yet are horrified just the same.

Certainly this is a time of grieving for my hometown & there is absolutely nothing wrong with taking our time to grieve & process such a horrific event.  As I wrote around Christmas, grief is a ghost that will haunt us forever until we learn to work through it (https://athicketofmusingsblog.com/2013/12/18/processing-grief-during-the-most-wonderful-time-of-the-year/).  We each must identify the coping mechanisms that help us to work through our grief and the cynicism that can naturally follow such a tragedy.  For me music is quite often the best healer.   Music along with writing is what helps me make sense of a senseless world.  Or perhaps I should say to come to terms with a senseless world.

As it turns out, earlier this week I was fooling around on YouTube, as I often do, & came across a new song by a band I discovered at Uproar Festival in Raleigh in September of 2012, shortly after we moved down here.  The song is called Times are Hard by Redlight King.  I have been listening to it almost non-stop for the past few days & I cannot help but feel like the timing of discovering this song was quite providential for lack of a better word.  The song talks about how when life is hard, when tragedies take us by surprise & there seems to be no balm for our wounds, we need to find someone to hold onto to keep us strong.  How appropriate at a time like this.  To me it’s an empowering song, yet it doesn’t gloss over how difficult life can be at times.  I don’t know if the song was necessarily written about this kind of horrific tragedy, but that’s the beauty of music: it can mean whatever you want it to mean.  It can speak to you wherever you are at this point in time.

I’ll leave you with the lyrics & a link to the song on YouTube.  Check it out.  It’s powerful stuff.

Sooner or later life will pull you in

Make you choose to either sink or swim

Somewhere down the line it’s gonna break your heart

Put you out & make you wear the scars

All these dreams, they come with all this doubt

When we can’t fit in we try to find a way out

Learn to fight so they don’t seal our fate

They say you never see it coming till it’s way too late

These times are hard, feels like nothing’s gonna change

Nowhere to start, & you got nothing for the pain

`Cause when life moves fast, it don’t matter who you are

You gotta find someone to hold onto

Damn, these times are hard

We build those bridges & we watch them burn

So quick to pull the trigger, so slow to take our turn

We’ve all been locked out & we’ve broken down the door

Some of us hit the dirt, some of us still come back for more

When the thirst gets so bad, you’re just dying to get a taste

When it don’t involve religion, when it don’t involve the race

And there’s everything to lose `cause we were never born to win

Willing to sacrifice everything we have just to roll the dice again

These times are hard, feels like nothing’s gonna change

Nowhere to start, & you got nothing for the pain

`Cause when life moves fast, it don’t matter who you are

You gotta find someone to hold onto

Damn, these times are hard

 

Life isn’t perfect, so it’s just what you make it

And that’s what they tell you

But it’s hard when they’re holding you down

Somebody out there for you

They’re praying it all gets easy

Someone you hold onto

These times are hard, feels like nothing’s gonna change

Nowhere to start, & you got nothing for the pain

`Cause when life moves fast, it don’t matter who you are

You gotta find someone to hold onto

Damn, these times are hard

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10 Ways to Simplify Relationships


Perhaps it’s because my husband is traveling for his job but I’ve spent a lot of time this week thinking about relationships & how people tend to make them way more complicated than they need to be.  May I be the first to admit this includes myself sometimes, lest I should sound like I’m implying that I’m some kind of relationship guru which I clearly am not?  I’m not even sure such a thing exists.  Anyhow, I’ve been slacking off on my blog posts this week, which might seem like a sign that I’ve run out of ideas, but what it actually means is that I’ve been overwhelmed by ideas, yet haven’t been able to light on any of them.  In any case I’ve decided to compile a list of ways to simplify relationships & thus simplify life.  Here we go.

  1. Be honest about what you want out of a relationship from the very beginning.  If you want a friends with benefits type of arrangement, say so.  If someone tells you that’s what they want & you aren’t truly in agreement, for the love of YOURSELF, say so.  Don’t pretend to be ok with something you aren’t & then be surprised when it doesn’t work out later.  On the other hand if you’re serious about a relationship, say so.  I’m not advocating proposing marriage on a first date, but don’t be afraid to say you’re serious.  And don’t be afraid to say no to someone who is serious about you if you truly don’t reciprocate.  Again, pretending never ends well.  Have enough self-respect to be honest about your feelings & goals from square one.  This leads right into number two.
  2. Give respect.  Get respect.  It really is that simple.  Don’t play mind games with anyone.  Don’t “test” someone by asking to spend time with an ex or some childish prank like that, just to see how they react.  Just be forthright and respectful.  Treat the other person the way you want to be treated.  Don’t expect special treatment because of your gender or anything else.  Be an adult.
  3. Don’t place unrealistic expectations on your partner (or yourself).  Getting married or being in any serious relationship doesn’t mean you sign away your humanity.  Regardless of your gender, you will inevitably still be attracted to other people, & that doesn’t lessen the love you feel for your partner.  It’s just part of being a human being.  Just be cognizant of it & know your limits.  Don’t be one of those childish people who expects their partner to suddenly think they are the only sexy person on planet Earth.  That just screams of insecurity.  Just let out all of your sexual energy on each other & you’ll be just fine.
  4. Never stop getting to know your partner.  After you’ve been together a long time, it’s so easy to think you’ve already figured someone out & to stop putting in the time to really understand each other because you think you already know it all.  Trust me, I know.  My husband & I had been together almost a decade by the time we got married.  But I’m still pleasantly surprised to find out that we don’t know everything about each other.  There is always more to learn & that’s part of what makes a relationship fun.  As an addendum, if your relationship is right, marriage shouldn’t change things very much because the relationship was already there.
  5. Don’t make someone a priority who doesn’t do the same for you.  If a guy likes you, he WILL call you back.  And vice versa.  Someone who cares for you & respects you WILL make time for you, WILL get to know you, & will even make time for your friends & family because they know those people are important to you.  They WILL support your dreams & goals in life & will in fact expect you to have dreams & goals.
  6. Don’t over-analyze or make up excuses for bad behavior.  If someone treats you poorly, do yourself the justice of walking away.  The Perks of Being a Wallflower got it right: we accept the love we think we deserve.  If you find that your partners are always treating you badly, think about what that says about how you view yourself.  I’m not excusing bad behavior.  I’m just saying don’t expect someone to change.  If they really love you, they’ll treat you right from the beginning.  Where’s the motivation to change for the better if you’re always there “rewarding” them even when they treat you like crap?  Sorry if that’s blunt, but relationships can be messy.  It’s all this silly beating around the bush nonsense that makes them so much more complicated than they need to be.
  7. Realize that deep down we are all still pretty primal.  This is why no matter how unfair it is women are judged much more harshly for their sexual decisions than men.  Is it fair?  No.  But biologically it actually DOES make sense.  (We’re the ones who can get pregnant so it makes sense that biologically we’d be inclined to be a bit more discriminating about our partners.)  No matter how enlightened & empowered we are, we women ARE more sexually vulnerable whether we like it or not.  This doesn’t excuse bad behavior on the part of men.  No way.  I’m not saying we can’t rise above our “animal instincts.”  Men are perfectly capable of being committed & faithful, as are women.  I’m just saying that we need to realize why men think the way they do & why women think the way they do.
  8. This one is crucial but is really hard to put into words.  Look for the guy or girl who is good in all the right ways & bad in all the right ways.  I don’t know how to write this out, but you probably know what I mean.  As with everything in life, it’s all about balance & moderation.  James M Sama wrote a fabulous blog post about this idea, & there is no way I can say it as well as he did so I’m just going to leave you the link to his brilliant article: http://jamesmsama.wordpress.com/2013/06/11/the-difference-between-a-bad-boy-and-a-jerk/
  9. Don’t feel the need to spend every single second together.  A truly great relationship will give you the confidence to be alone sometimes.  Or to be apart & know that things are still going to be ok.  If your partner wants a day or two to spend with their friends or family without you, let them.  Couples who really trust each other don’t feel the need to be together 24/7.  You were a person before you met your partner & you’re still your own person even with them.  Don’t forget that.
  10. This one is a big one & might cause some controversy but I’m going to write it anyway because I truly believe it . . . Give up on the idea that there is only ONE RIGHT PERSON for you.  The older I get the more I believe that there is a right TYPE for everyone & that you may very well meet several people in your life with whom you could be very happy in a relationship.  Notice I didn’t say anyone will be PERFECT for you.  There is no Mr. or Mrs. Perfect because human beings are inherently flawed.  But there are plenty of great people out there, a few of whom might be wonderful matches for you.  When you find one, be smart enough to go after them.  When you’ve got one, hold onto them.  Someone else may cross your path who might also be a great match but don’t ruin what you’ve already got on a chance at something else.  I’m a big believer in science & logic so I wish I could say there was a scientific way to KNOW when you’ve met one of these RIGHT people, but there isn’t.  You just know.  I always remember hearing that as a kid & thinking it was ridiculous.  But it’s so true.  You know when you meet a friend & you just know right off that you really “click” & that this person is going to be a friend for life?  It’s very much like that.  As I’ve said many times before, relationships are really just friendships with a bit of amplification so to speak.

Well, I hope you have found this list intriguing.  As I said, I’m no relationship guru or expert by any means.  I’m just trying to spread a little logic & wisdom into the very chaotic world of relationships that exists in our society.  I’m by no means 100% faithful to all of these tenets at all times, but I do try my best & in writing this I have renewed my devotion to putting these ideas into place in my own marriage.  I hope perhaps you too have found a little inspiration.  I truly believe simplifying relationships can actually make them deeper & more fulfilling.  The simple life really is the best.  Cheers!

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The Body Image-Self Confidence Quandary


This post is written to myself above anyone else.  If anyone needs a lesson on being less self-conscious, trust me, it’s me.  I was talking to a friend last night about how I’m afraid to do squats & deadlifts at the gym because I feel like doing them, God forbid, draws attention to myself.  I used to deadlift pretty regularly, but then one fateful day some random guy (who seemed nice enough) walked up behind me while I was deadlifting & asked me to go out with him.  I was shocked, embarrassed, & flattered all at the same time.  But I managed to stammer “Um, I’m married” (which was true) & he walked away looking like he was as embarrassed as I was.  And ever since that day I have been scared to deadlift or do anything super “masculine” at the gym for fear of drawing attention to myself.  (As further proof that I’m self-conscious, when I saw the guy walking up behind me I thought for sure he was going to tell me I was doing my deadlifts wrong).  I know some girls like being the center of attention but I hate it.  As ridiculous as I know it sounds, I’ve always felt like if anyone looks at me long enough, they’ll be certain to find something they don’t like.  Therefore, more often than not, I’d rather people just not look at me at all, especially at the gym because it’s a place where I’ve never quite felt “at home” anyway, probably because I’m far from athletic or coordinated.  I know I am also far from “perfect,” but I do have enough common sense to realize that I’m not exactly unattractive either.  And yet I am too self-conscious to perform certain exercises at the gym?  Ridiculous.  Absurd.  I have to get over this.

This whole scenario has gotten me to thinking once again about how ridiculous it is that we as women so often grow up with the idea that we should be ashamed of our bodies or at the very least that they are something to be hidden.  Now, I’m by no means suggesting that we should all parade down the street nude or show up to class or work in a bikini.  It’s all about context.  But the point is that the average man (to my knowledge) isn’t ashamed of his body even if he doesn’t look exactly the way he might wish.  But the average woman, no matter how beautiful everyone else might think she is, is ashamed of her body or at least isn’t very confident about it.  For a variety of reasons, society has taught us from a very young age that our bodies are shameful or dangerous (as in too strong of a temptation for men to resist, “so you better cover up, young lady”) or a combination thereof.  What our society fails to realize in indoctrinating girls thusly is that we are also sending the message that girls THEMSELVES are shameful.  After all whether we like it or not, the way we view our bodies is highly connected to the way we view ourselves as people.  I could expound on this further but that’s another post for another day.

On a similar token we constantly read articles & hear people talk about how harmful it is to young people, especially girls, to see all of the highly edited images of “perfect” models & celebrities in magazines & online.  I for one grew up viewing a lot of these same types of images but even as a teenager I never expected myself to look like those images.  I guess I was just insightful enough to realize that those people aren’t “real” & that the average guy isn’t going to expect real girls to look like that anyway.  I’m thankful that I was able to understand this, but nonetheless even as an adult I realize I often hold myself to somewhat unrealistic expectations because even if I know men don’t really expect me to look that “perfect,” part of ME still expects that of myself.

Here’s the real truth, ladies, as best I can figure it anyway.  How we dress does send a message about us & we would all do well to consider that, but at the end of the day, no matter what we wear men will look at us anyway.  We could all wear burkas and men would still look at us.  To the idiots who say women are asking to be raped or assaulted by wearing overtly sexy clothes, please explain to me why sexual assault & rape are rampant in many Middle Eastern countries where women wear nothing but burkas or other extremely conservative clothing.  The answer is that rape & assault are crimes perpetrated by men with serious power & control issues & are absolutely unrelated to any woman’s choice of attire.  But again that is a whole other blog post right there.  What I’m trying to get at is that we women have no reason to be ashamed of our bodies just for being female.  If you don’t like your body because you legitimately need to lose weight, then make positive healthy changes so you can do so.  About a year and half ago I was stunned to realize I had slowly gained about 10 pounds over the preceding few years.  I knew I was entering what was truly an unhealthy weight so I made small changes to my diet & exercise routine & within 6 months I had lost all the weight & a little more too.  Also remember that regardless of your weight, there are men who will find you attractive because, thankfully, everyone’s idea of beauty is quite different.

To dumb the issue down even a little further, consider this: If men really expected us all to look like Victoria’s Secret models & wouldn’t tolerate anything else, then explain how almost all “normal” women do in fact have boyfriends/husbands & often multiple ones throughout their lives.  Obviously men aren’t holding us to nearly as high of a standard as we are.  So with that in mind, ladies, let’s get our act together & stop being so ridiculously self-conscious.  Let’s do our squats & our deadlifts & if somebody asks us out while doing them, so what?  And if no one asks us out while doing them, so what?  The sexiest thing in the world, for both men & women, is self-confidence.  It may sound silly but if you aren’t confident about your body, it’s hard to be confident about everything else.  As I said before, everything is interconnected whether we like it or not.  So today I challenge you to be confident in yourself, not because it’s sexy, but because people who are confident can change the world.

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Chicken Marsala & Rosemary Butternut Squash Recipes


Cooking for me is a lot like exercising.  It’s something I never really WANT to do, but if I make myself do it I always feel better afterward.  I wish I were one of those people who naturally love exercising & cooking because I’d probably be a lot healthier if I were.  But sadly I am one of those mere mortals who thinks of exercising & cooking (& cleaning while we’re at it) as mostly drudgery that I somehow never really look forward to no matter how much I know I’ll feel better if I just do it.  In any case, in keeping with last week’s blog post about making 2014 a healthier, happier year, I felt inclined to post two recipes that I employed for lunch today, both of which turned out absolutely deliciously!

chicken marsala and squash

The “main dish” I made today was chicken marsala.  I’ve made it once or twice before but this time I had to adapt the recipe a bit because I didn’t have any mushrooms.  Here is the original recipe that I based mine off of: http://allrecipes.com/recipe/chicken-marsala/

I’m basically incapable of following a recipe “to the T” because I never seem to have all of the exact ingredients on hand or else I just don’t feel like using them all.  For example, any time a recipe calls for salt & pepper as seasoning, I almost always skip them (like with this one) because I figure as an American I probably already eat way too much sodium as it is so why add more when it doesn’t impart much extra flavor anyway (in my opinion, that is)?  So below is a quick description of how I adapted this recipe to fit my tastes/needs.

  1. Place a couple tablespoons of butter in an iron skillet on medium low setting on the stove top.  (My other cooking issue is I hate measuring so mostly I just guess & hope for the best.  It usually works out just fine.)
  2. While the butter is melting, combine about ¼ cup flour & a few teaspoons of garlic powder & oregano.
  3. Dip chicken breast strips in the above mixture.  I use pre-cooked frozen grilled chicken strips from Sam’s Club because they are easier & encourage me to do a lot more cooking than if I have to work with raw chicken all the time.
  4. Place the lightly breaded chicken strips in the skillet.  Cover with lid & cook for 2-3 minutes (considerably longer if using raw chicken I suppose).
  5. After a few minutes, add a few tablespoons of white cooking wine (I couldn’t find actual marsala wine but plain white cooking wine seems to work & taste just as well).  Replace lid & let simmer for another 3-5 minutes; again length will depend on if you use raw or pre-cooked chicken.

Next up is baked rosemary butternut squash.  I truly cannot believe I’ve learned to enjoy any type of squash because as a child it was something I hated.  Even the smell of it made me nauseous.  But I have learned over time that most Southerners cook vegetables completely wrong.  No offense to my family & many other Southern families, but boiling vegetables & then seasoning them with nothing but salt, pepper, & butter is quite possibly the least tasty & least healthy way to eat almost any vegetable (boiling can kill off some of the vitamins & other healthy ingredients in veggies).  I recently discovered an AMAZING recipe for a butternut squash/sweet potato/carrot soup (http://glutenfreegoddess.blogspot.com/2010/05/curried-carrot-soup-with-pan-toasted.html),

& since then I’ve been enamored with butternut squash & finding new ways to cook it.  Here’s the original recipe that I used today: http://allrecipes.com/recipe/rosemary-roasted-butternut-squash/

Again I had to adapt the recipe a little bit because I didn’t have fresh garlic or rosemary twigs on hand.  And again I left out the salt & pepper.

  1. Set oven to 400 F.
  2. Peel & cut butternut squash into small chunks.
  3. Coat long cooking dish with olive oil.  I used an 8 X 11 (I guess?) Pyrex dish.
  4. Sprinkle rosemary & garlic powder into the oil.  Again I didn’t measure; I just guessed.
  5. Add in squash pieces to evenly cover the dish.
  6. Sprinkle a little more rosemary & garlic powder on top the squash.
  7. Place in oven & cook for 30 minutes.  The recipe says 45-50 minutes but mine was done in 30 minutes.

Voila!  Two very easy & relatively healthy homemade dishes.  I guess my idea of healthy is a little different than some.  I for one do not espouse the idea that to be healthy you have to be a vegetarian or vegan (nothing wrong with doing that if you choose; I just don’t think it’s the only right way).  And I would much rather use REAL BUTTER than some disgusting fake margarine crap any day.  Yes, it might have more calories but it’s also REAL.  I trust cows more than stuff created in a science lab.  (With that being said, I am very guilty of drinking diet sodas.  It’s a bad habit I’m working on.)

I hope these recipes have given you some inspiration today.  If you decide to try them, let me know how they turn out!

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10 Steps to a Healthier, Happier Life in 2014


Since it’s the beginning of a new year, naturally I have been spending some time thinking about how to make this a happier, healthier year than the last.  It’s cliché of course, but it’s important to think about these things because positive change isn’t something that just happens.  It has to be deliberate.  After some consideration I’ve come up with what I believe are the ten most important things for living a healthier, happier life in 2014.  Since physical health is only one component of overall health, I’ve included measures regarding emotional and spiritual health as well.

  1. If you’re trying to lose weight or eat/be healthier in 2014, be sure to set small, measurable, attainable goals.  It’s fine to have your overall big goal of losing 50 pounds or running a marathon or whatever it may be, but if you don’t set small realistically attainable goals along the way, you will never achieve your larger goal.  It will always remain some unreachable pie in the sky and you’ll end the year depressed and wondering why you never accomplish what you set out to accomplish.  Here are some good examples of small goals you can set:
    1. This week I will drink at least 4 glasses of water each day (instead of sodas).
    2. This week I will eat at least one vegetable and one fruit every day.
    3. This week I will walk one mile 3 days a week.  Next week I’ll do it 4 days a week.

The point is to make SMALL changes every day because if you try to drastically change your lifestyle you are almost certain to fail.  But if you take small steps every day, eventually you will be amazed to find that you have truly changed your life!  Indeed, this theory is true for so much more than just weight loss, so you can apply it to all kinds of goals you might have for 2014.  I can tell you from personal experience that this is how I gradually lost 15 lbs over the course of late 2012 into early 2013.  I was only trying to lose 10 lbs but by making small realistic changes every day, I ended up losing more weight than I even hoped to lose!  And I’ve consistently kept it all off, minus 2-3 lbs that I regained over the holidays, but I know I can lose that again quickly by making the same small changes for better health every day.

2. Find those people who you really love and hold them close.  Some of them might be hundreds or even thousands of miles away, but in today’s technology age that no longer means you can’t stay in regular contact (with some exceptions for the military or people in areas without consistent internet access, of course).  For example, one of my best friends is in England.  I have only met her once in real life and it wasn’t until a year or more after that that we actually became close.  But we have managed to BECOME and STAY close via Facebook chat & Skype, and I am now planning a trip to see her in England sometime this year.  As a nurse I am constantly reminded that what really matters in life more than anything is the relationships you build with your family and friends.  If there’s a relationship in your life that is broken or just isn’t as strong as you wish it was, make 2014 the year you try to repair and rebuild it.  Not every relationship can or even should be saved.  (For example a woman whose ex-husband beat her probably shouldn’t try to reignite that relationship in any way.  It just wouldn’t be safe.)  But if you have a relationship you think should be salvaged, don’t let pride stop you.  Stay in regular contact with those you love as much as you can, and never forego a chance to say “I love you.

3. Do something at work that scares you.  As a nurse for me this often means trying an IV on someone who seems to be an impossible stick.  If I didn’t try everyone I thought was going to be a hard stick I’d have started a LOT less IV’s than I have in my career.  In 2013 I also trained for and starting working as a charge nurse on my unit.  It was scary at first (and still is occasionally), but I’ve learned to really enjoy this new role because I see it as a way to help my fellow nurses.  So whatever it is at work that scares you, make a real effort to tackle that this year.  You might not succeed 100% at everything (I certainly don’t get every IV I try), but you will probably succeed more often than you think.  And your greatest confidence is built in doing those things you thought you couldn’t do.

4. Building on number three, don’t be afraid to speak your mind about things that really matter to you.  I started this blog as a way to share my ideas and observations about life, largely in an effort to clear my own mind but also to hopefully encourage and inspire others.  However, it has taken a lot of courage for me to write some of the things I’ve written, being unsure of what kind of reaction I might get even from those close to me.  For example my post The Purity Myth garnered a fair amount of disagreement and criticism (of the idea, not me personally) even from some people close to me.  That is totally fine of course because everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but writing that post was scary for me.  The ideas in it were so important to me but I knew they contradicted a lot of what my family believes, so it was difficult to share something that I knew many would not like.  But I did it anyway.  As it turns out The Purity Myth has been my most popular post to date (I guess sex really does sell, huh?  HA!), and no one has disowned me for having more “liberal” ideas.  I was also afraid to share a lot of my posts about anxiety, but those have all been fairly popular and I have received quite a few messages and comments from people (strangers & friends alike) thanking me for my honesty in writing about such issues.  Knowing that I have not only helped myself but also helped others through my writing is one of the greatest feelings I’ve ever known in life.  Yes, I may have offended a few people from time to time by speaking my mind about something (whether on this blog or in “real life”) but that is somewhat inevitable in life anyway.  What I’m slowly learning is that as long as you have a loving, compassionate attitude towards others that will come through to your audience no matter what your actual message is.  The greatest regrets in life are often of what is left unsaid rather than what is said anyway.

5. Listen to music that isn’t on pop radio.  I’m fully aware that I’m a bit of a music snob in some ways, but I’m a former band geek so I can’t help it.  But in all seriousness, do explore music beyond the Top 40.  There is so much more out there with so much more to say about life, love, and everything in between than Justin Beiber, Miley Cyrus, and One Direction.  If you don’t think you like country music, try Kacey Musgraves.  You might be pleasantly surprised.  If you don’t think you like rock, try Stone Sour, especially their latest two-part album The House of Gold and Bones.  Again I think you might be pleasantly surprised.  The point is music can be such a huge source of inspiration in life.  I know it is for me in too many ways to count.  So explore it.  Nowadays with YouTube, Pandora, Spotify, and iTunes we have greater instant access to every kind of music in the world than anyone ever has before, so take advantage of it.

6. Do something for someone who can never repay you.  Whether it’s giving food to a homeless person or volunteering with disadvantaged children or something else entirely, just do it.  You will feel great and the world will be a better place because of it.

7. Don’t let strict gender roles define you.  But on the same token, if you find yourself fitting some gender role stereotypes, as long as you’re happy, don’t feel like you need to change things.  This is the 21st century.  If a man wants to be a stay-at-home dad, great.  But if you can’t imagine doing that as a man, that’s fine too.  If you have a master’s degree but want to be a stay-at-home mom, don’t let anyone tell you you’ve sold yourself short.  At the end of the day, you answer to yourself.  Don’t let other voices run your life when yours are the ones you have to sleep with at night.

8. Be honest about your emotions, with yourself and others.  Don’t bottle things up or try to deny how you’re feeling out of guilt or anything else.  If you’re sad, allow yourself to be sad.  If you’re angry, allow yourself to be angry.  Be an adult and learn how to have strong emotions while not ACTING on them in negative ways.  That’s the key.

9. Find what makes you tick in life.  In other words, the things you are really passionate about.  For me it’s music and writing.  For others it might be photography, dance, art, cooking, interior design, sports, or marketing.   Whatever it is, just find it and do it as much as you can.  Consider making a career out of your passions, but also remember that sometimes your passions can be just as therapeutic as hobbies.  The point is that you find out what they are and seek them out as much as you can.

10. As a follow up to number nine, remember that having fun and making good memories is what life is all about.  The world needs people who are passionate about life because these are the people who inspire others and inevitably make a positive difference wherever they go.  Try not to obsess over little things by asking yourself something like this: “In the course of a lifetime, what will this matter?”  It may sound morbid, but think about what will be important to you at the end of your life and remember that could be any time because none of us is promised tomorrow.  Make decisions and choices in life that align with your values, goals, and dreams.  Learn to cherish the little things because when you look back on your life you will find those were the things that mattered the most.  Take time to smell the roses, to cherish a beautiful sunset, to listen to the sound of the waves on the seashore, and to share it all with those you love.

I wrote this as much to myself as to anyone, but I hope this was of some inspiration to you as readers as well.  I hope 2014 will be a great year for all of us.  Just remember, life is what you make it.  No excuses, no exceptions.  This is both terrifying and exciting, but don’t let the fear of striking out keep you out of the game.

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Life Isn’t Fair So Your Choices Better Be Good


Today’s blog post might rub some people the wrong way but I hope you’ll understand as you read it that this comes from a place of compassion & concern for my fellow man.  (Yes, I consider myself a feminist but I truly don’t see anything wrong with using masculine pronouns when referring to all of humanity because frankly it just sounds better.)  Something I’ve been thinking about a lot this year is the impact of choices on our lives.  A lot has changed in my life in the past two years.  For example, I’ve graduated from college, become a nurse, gotten married, and moved to a new state, and in just the past nine months I’ve bought a house, a puppy, and a very nice used car and started serving as a preceptor and a charge nurse at work.  These are, in my mind, all good changes but change is inevitably difficult at times and, at least for me, leads to a lot of introspection and general analysis of life.  In the past year such introspection and analysis have continually landed me on the same theme: the importance of making good choices in life and the consequences that arise when we fail to make good choices.

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Let me first say that I am fully aware that what I consider to be good choices and what someone else considers to be good choices may be completely different.  And with very few exceptions I am totally okay with that.  But if there is one thing I can safely say I know to be true in life, it is that we are each responsible for our own lives and the choices we make, and said choices are the greatest determinant of our own happiness and success.  I know that I have accomplished a lot for someone my age and I am very much aware of the fact that I have a lot of people to thank for helping me along the way to where I am now.  But I also realize that all the help in the world would have been useless if I hadn’t also made my own good choices (getting good grades in high school which allowed me to apply for and obtain a scholarship to college, seeking out internships and jobs in college that helped me obtain a good job after graduation, etc, etc, you get the point).  Please understand that I am not trying to brag or say that I am more successful or better than anyone else.  I am well aware that my own idea of success and happiness does not apply to everyone and vice versa.  I am just saying that when I think about the miserable situations I see so many people in, including many my own age, I can’t help but notice that all (or at least most) of these people have made a series of bad choices throughout their lives.  Let me further explain so I hopefully don’t sound like one of those god-awful judgmental pricks that annoy me so much.

I’m talking about the people who are working dead-end jobs with no hope of advancement who can barely pay their bills (or can’t pay them), who are in miserable relationships with people who treat them like trash, etc, etc; I think you catch my drift.  These people are usually the ones who dropped out of high school (and not because they had to take care of a dying relative or something like that), got pregnant in high school or maybe shortly thereafter and often with someone they did not exactly have a solid relationship with, or perhaps graduated from high school but with such poor grades that college or even technical school was never an option.  These folks probably did not think about the future beyond tomorrow and never exactly planned out a career or any sort of goals for their lives.  The homeless are another good example.  I have always had a special place in my heart for the homeless for some reason but when I look at most of the homeless people I’ve met or known about (I did a clinical rotation with the homeless in nursing school and actually got the privilege of talking to a lot of homeless folks) I’ve noticed again the same pattern: bad choices.  For some it was drugs, for some it was gambling, for some it was having too many children whom they couldn’t afford to support, and the list goes on and on.  Even many of my patients at work whose lives are miserable due to disease are often in the positions they’re in largely because of poor choices they’ve made: failing to control diseases that could be controlled or even eradicated through proper diet & exercise, etc, etc.  It’s hard to watch because you know that these people could have had better outcomes if they’d made better choices.  It’s a very complicated subject, but it’s the truth nonetheless.

Let me be clear here: BY NO MEANS do I think we should not be compassionate or helpful to those who have made poor choices.  ABSOLUTELY NOT.  My point is that the greatest lesson I hope to teach my future children is that they better have their act together from day one because life is not fair.  For example, lots of people have unprotected sex in high school.  But not everyone ends up with some disgusting STI or gets pregnant.  But some do.  AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHICH ONE YOU WILL BE.  Lots of people drive drunk and never hurt anyone.  But others do.  AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHICH ONE YOU WILL BE.  Lots of people smoke cigarettes their whole lives and never get lung cancer or COPD.  But many do.  AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHICH ONE YOU WILL BE.  I think you can see my point.  If there’s anything I know about life it’s that it isn’t fair.  Some people make one or two bad choices and their whole lives crumble around them.  Others make a lot of bad choices and don’t seem to suffer as much.  But in my limited experience those I’ve seen consistently make good choices have ALWAYS been better off because of it.

So if/when I have kids someday, these are the things I’m going to teach them:

Stay in school.  Get good grades.  Work hard at everything you do.  When you get a job, be the best because otherwise you will just be a drone like everyone else.  Make yourself stand out.  Don’t be afraid to reach for the stars.  Go to college or vocational school and plan a career where you can both support yourself and be happy.  Never have unprotected sex with anyone unless you are 100% ready to be a parent RIGHT NOW.  Be kind to everyone because you never know what battles others are fighting that you know nothing about.  Karma is real and whatever choices you make, good or bad, they WILL catch up with you sooner or later, and you better be prepared for the outcomes of your decisions.  I will teach them all these things because I will love them and want the best for them, just as my parents did for me.

Perhaps I will never become a parent (who knows), but nonetheless I will strive to teach these things to my nieces and nephews, my patients, and anyone else who is willing to listen.  Because I care.  As much as the world sometimes makes me feel cynical and cold, I do love people.  Life is crazy.  People are crazy.  But I love this life that I’ve made for myself (with the help of some great friends and family) and I want others to be able to share in the kind of happiness I’ve found.  I don’t mean that everyone needs to have my exact lifestyle, education, or career.  I just wish for everyone to find that passion for life and learning that I’ve found.  I like to think it’s contagious, and I hope that I can spread it around just through this blog post if nothing else.

I hope this post hasn’t come across as arrogant or rude.  That’s not how I meant it at all.  I just wanted to share the idea that choices really are important in our lives, and especially with a new year just around the corner it’s something I think we all need to take to heart.  I know that many people are great testaments to the fact that sometimes a bad decision can actually end up being a good thing (lots of teen moms would agree with this).  And there is a lot of truth in that too.  And not every person who makes all good decisions is necessarily going to be completely happy.  Again, everyone’s idea of happiness and success is different.  And that’s ok.  We each must find our own barometer for happiness and success, and then make good choices that align with that.  Otherwise we are just drifting along in life with no paddle to steer us toward any goals, hopes, or dreams.  And I can’t think of much sadder than that.

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Processing Grief During the Most Wonderful Time of the Year


A week from today is Christmas so I know I “should” be writing some kind of joyful, uplifting post about how this is the most wonderful time of the year.  And in many ways it is.  But I work in a hospital so whether I like it or not I’m confronted with the fact that Christmas can actually be a very sad & difficult time of the year for many people because of sickness, accidents, mental illness, drug abuse, and of course death.  My own family has lost several members over the past year & this will be our first Christmas without some very special people.  I don’t mean to be depressing, but I just feel like I need to address this subject because I know I’m not the only person who is feeling very conflicting emotions at this time of year.  Part of me loves all of the decorations, parties, Christmas music, & general “cheer” that the holidays bring.  But part of me also feels the weight of grief in knowing that this Christmas will be a bit different than those of the past.  This leads me to a greater topic that I want to address.

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A friend of mine recently posted something on Facebook about how sad she thought it was that some religious people believe that grieving, even at funerals, is wrong because the focus should be on the loved one being in Heaven.  I was very struck by that post because I too have witnessed this sad phenomenon.  I have been to lots of funerals in my life and over and over again I have heard the same basic phrases: “She’s better off now.  She isn’t suffering anymore because she’s with Jesus in Heaven.  Don’t despair.  You’ll see her again someday.”  To be perfectly honest, until my grandmother died five years ago I was quite guilty of saying some of these things myself to other people whose relatives or friends had died.  However, when Granny died I realized how completely unhelpful such things are.  I know that people mean well when they say these things, but standing in the line at the visitation the night before Granny’s funeral, I realized that the only words that really comforted me at that time were these: “She was a wonderful person.  We all loved her so much & we will miss her forever.  I’m so sorry for your loss.”  I needed people to recognize that, yes, this WAS a major loss.  And I had every right to feel sad, depressed, and even angry at the fact that she was gone.  (To be honest I’d worked through a lot of these emotions even before she passed away because of her being on hospice for quite some time, but even so the pain of losing a loved one is never easy.)  I remember going to her funeral and wanting to cry so badly but feeling like I couldn’t.  Now, this is largely my own fault I suppose for not feeling comfortable enough to cry in front of my own family.  How ridiculous is that?  My sister wasn’t afraid to cry, but I was.  I never once cried in front of my family when Granny died.  I only cried when I was alone or with my now-husband (then boyfriend).  There are a lot of underlying reasons for why I only felt comfortable enough to cry in front of him, and I am still working through those reasons even now.  But I can’t help but feel one of those reasons was that for so much of my life I’d been inundated with the never-explicit but always strongly implied idea that grief was somehow sinful, somehow selfish.  I don’t know exactly where this idea came from and I am blaming no one in particular for it.  It was just there.  Maybe I made it up, but I don’t think so.

When I was a junior in college one of my OB nursing professors told us a very personal story about her own miscarriages and the eventual birth of her first child who was either stillborn or died within a few hours of birth.  The point of the story was that there was so much grief involved with losing this child and that she had to learn to work through it.  She learned that no matter how much she tried to just “move on with life” and push it away, the grief was still following her.  I’ll never forget that lesson.  I remember so strongly sitting in that class, thinking about how it had been a year since Granny’s death and I had done everything I could to run away from that grief because I was busy with nursing school and just didn’t want to deal with the grief of her passing.  I just didn’t feel like I had the stamina to process it so I kept pushing it away.  And just like my professor said, the grief kept coming back.  It kept haunting me.  It wasn’t until I heard her speak about how she finally learned to confront the grief, to handle it, to honor it, to accept it, to process it, that I realized how much I needed to do the same thing.

My professor was so right.  Grief is a process.  It isn’t something that goes away overnight.  For some losses, the grief will never totally disappear, but no matter how much we feel like we can’t handle dealing with our grief for whatever reason, it will never go away at all until we start to process it.  Indeed, grief will haunt you forever until you learn to really work through it.  This can mean so many different things for different people (and can be different even for the same person depending on the nature of the loss).  I think it’s fair to say that most people process grief at least partly through tears.  I know there are exceptions to every rule, but the majority of people do cry when they’re sad.  But sadness is just one part of grief.  There’s so much more to it than that.  Grief can encompass anger, frustration, and so many other feelings because whenever we experience a loss in life there is a part of us that wants to shake our fist at the sky and ask “Why?  This is so unfair!”  And quite often it is unfair.  And there is nothing wrong with feeling that way!  It’s just part of human nature, of experiencing life.

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So my challenge to myself and to anyone reading this is to really think about the losses you’ve experienced in life, especially any unresolved grief that might come back to haunt you at Christmas, this time of year when memories can seem stronger than ever.  And instead of trying to just forget it or push it aside, really confront that grief.  Begin to process it.  Sometimes we think we’ve moved past a loss only to realize months or even years later that the wound is as fresh as ever.  And that’s ok too.  We just have to find ways to process our grief.  For some of us that means listening to music or reading a book or writing a poem or song.  For some it means seeing a therapist or counselor.  There’s no right or wrong answer here.  The point is that we need to be honest about our grief.  We can’t try to hide it or deny it.  As families and friends we need to support each other and not be afraid to show our “weaknesses.”  If this is your first (or second or tenth) Christmas without a loved one, don’t be afraid or ashamed to cry or just not be as “jolly” as perhaps you usually are.  It’s ok.  Just be honest with yourself and your family and friends about your grief.  You never know who else may need your encouragement to process their own grief as well.

I hope this post wasn’t too depressing but it’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot this year and felt like I needed to write for my own sake as well as hopefully to encourage others.  Merry Christmas & Happy Holidays to all my lovely readers!

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