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The Inadequacy Illusion


Do you ever find yourself feeling inadequate in today’s era of social media?  I know I do.  Actually I don’t think I need social media to feel inadequate from time to time, but I do think it can exacerbate things which is why I’m trying to limit my use of it.  Anyway, the following is a list of the things that make me feel inadequate on a regular basis.

inadequate mom

I laughed! But in all seriousness, I don’t do crunchy mom blogs because I can only imagine how inadequate they would make me feel.  I ain’t got time for that.

  • I’m 20 lbs overweight
  • I don’t eat as healthily as I should (though pretty well by American standards)
  • I hate running
  • My jeans are not a single digit size anymore
  • I hate decorating, crafts, scrap-booking, & all that cutesy stuff
  • I get frustrated with my toddler way more than I feel like I “should”
  • I don’t eat all organic, non-GMO or use only all-natural products . . . or even really care to do so
  • I have no interest in going back to school for a master’s or doctorate degreedont compare

And the following is a list of reasons why all of the above are basically nonsense

  • I’m stronger than the average woman
  • I eat a lot more healthily than I used to
  • I love lifting weights & taking long walks
  • I’m not defined by the size of jeans I wear . . . And I AM working on losing weight because I know it is important for my long-term health.
  • Anyone who judges me for not being a “Pinterest mom” isn’t my friend anyway
  • Toddlers are frustrating by definition . . . But also sweet & adorable, thankfully!
  • Listen, we’re all dying some day.  Sure it’s great to be as healthy as possible but I’m not going to obsess over every little ingredient in my life . . . Besides, arsenic is 100% natural- & it will surely kill you.  So yeah, there’s that.
  • I have the rest of my life to work or go back to school . . . But my baby will only be little once, so I’m going to soak up these years while I can because I know they’ll be gone before I know it.pinterest mom

Moreover, I’m trying to remind myself that for every time I feel bad about myself for one of the above reasons, there is probably someone out there who wishes she (or he) had my life.  I refuse to berate myself for having feelings of inadequacy because that’s just a never-ending cycle of guilt that gets me nowhere, but I AM trying to take a step back & think about all the many wonderful things in my life & how grateful I am to be where I am today.  At the end of the day, I think we all have this illusion that our lives are inadequate in one way or another- & we just need to learn that it’s just that- an illusion.  I might not be as patient as I wish I were- but at least I’m aware of it & working on it.  I might not be the perfect embodiment of attachment parenting- or any other parenting model, for that matter- but I’m trying my best & I have a happy, healthy child who is proof that I must be doing something right.  And right now, that is good enough for me.

 

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A Student of Life


Essentially my entire memorable life I have thought of myself principally as a student. Being a student is what I have always been good at. I was one of those really weird kids who actually enjoyed school & not just the part about seeing friends or playing kickball in gym class. Actually, I usually hated gym class unless I got lucky & had some good friends to suffer through it with me. But that’s a side note. I actually really liked going to class, reading my textbooks, & sometimes even writing papers.  My point is I have always loved learning. It’s what inspires me & feeds my insatiable curiosity about life.

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So it shouldn’t come as much of a surprise that since graduating from college & no longer officially being a student I often find myself feeling a bit adrift in life. Of late I see more & more of my friends going back to school including many of my nursing school classmates. When I see these things I hate to admit it but I am quite jealous for I fear that I am falling behind. After all I graduated at the top of my class in both high school & college, so I always thought I would be the first person (or one of the first I should say) to go back to school for an advanced degree.  After all I went to nursing school with the sole intention of becoming an NP, preferably within five to ten years of graduating. Well, here I am two years into my nursing career & I find that the last thing I want to do right now is go back to school & that I have no idea if becoming an NP is what I actually want. Yes, bedside nursing is far from the perfect world that nursing school tries to portray, but I am pleasantly surprised to find that I really do love this career, more than I actually I anticipated I would. And I am really quite good at it! As much as I often doubt myself, deep down I know I’m a great nurse. I wouldn’t be serving as a charge nurse and a preceptor if I weren’t.  I don’t want to be a bedside nurse forever but I don’t want a “desk” nursing job either, so basically I have no idea where my career is going which is both scary & refreshing.  Is it even normal to think about such things at 24?

I like to think that since I am no longer an official student at any school/university, I am now a student of life. And I guess what life is teaching me right now is that life isn’t a competition, at least not with anyone other than yourself. And if in my heart I don’t feel this is the right time for me to go back to school, then it isn’t the right time. And it’s ok. Yes, I still may feel a twinge of regret when I see colleagues or friends “advancing” beyond me in their careers, but no, I do not have to wallow in guilt over feeling that way. So many people have told me “Go back to school before you have kids. Do it as soon as you can!” In so many ways I know that would be the easier path, & yet I find myself day dreaming much more often about becoming a mom than about becoming an NP. This is quite jarring for me because even as a kid I always fancied myself as more of a “career woman” who might eventually “settle down into mommyhood.” Indeed it’s only in the past year that I have started truly desiring to have children at all. And it’s still a pretty far-off wish. I know I’m not ready right now, & yet the idea of going back to school even in the next few years strikes fear in my heart. That sounds ridiculous in light of how much I really do love learning. But it’s the truth. I spent so many years of my life devoting myself so fully to school & I have no regrets over that (well, no serious ones). Thus I am inclined to wonder if perhaps my mind is just seeking a different path for a while. So I am writing this as a way of trying to make peace with myself over the idea that “just” being a student of life for a few (or maybe even a lot) more years is more than adequate.

I’m a big believer in technology & the ways that it enriches our lives. For example, one of my dearest friends lives in England & if it weren’t for the Internet we would not even know each other at all, much less communicate on an almost daily basis. But the downside to modern-day technology is that things like Facebook & Pinterest (the latter of which I refuse to join for this very reason) make it very easy for us to get caught up in comparing our lives with everyone else, everything from our hair & clothes to our homes, careers, & children. Such comparisons inevitably lead to depression, anxiety, or general dissatisfaction with our own lives. It’s the rat race on steroids. I’m not suggesting we need to forgo these technologies in order to be satisfied with our own lives. But I do have to remind myself often that the only person whose opinion of my life truly counts at the end of the day is ME. And I cannot base my life decisions on what other people are doing or what is right for them at a certain point in their life.

When I think back on all of the major decisions in my life (where to go to college, getting married, applying for & accepting jobs, buying our house, etc), I’ve always had a certain inexplicable sense of just knowing that I was making the right choice at the right time. I wish I could explain it scientifically but I can’t. With that in mind I am slowly learning to rest in the knowledge that when I’m ready to go back to school I’ll just know. And when I’m ready to become a mom I’ll just know. And it doesn’t really matter in what order those things happen for one of the greatest lessons I have learned as a student of life is this: There is no one right path for everyone. And that is what makes life so beautiful. As my Psychology 101 professor once said “Some things in life are not good or bad, better or worse. Only different.”

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25 Reasons Why I’m Not Cool


Do you ever have those days when you feel like you’re in high school all over again?  Everyone seems hipper, cooler, trendier, prettier, & generally more interesting than you?  I hope you don’t, but I know I still have those days from time to time.  Today is one of them for whatever reason.  This afternoon while I was sitting at the pool studying for my PCCN exam I started thinking about all the many reasons why I’m not cool, all the things that make me a nerd but not in the “cool” way.  Here we go.

1. I can’t dive.  I have tried so hard to learn but I just can’t do it.

2. I can’t use chopsticks.  Seriously, was this a lesson in high school or college that I just inadvertently missed?

3. I don’t like sushi.  I wish I did.  Everyone who eats sushi looks so sophisticated & interesting.  I have tried, but I just don’t like it.

4. I hate skinny jeans.  If they were never in style again it would please me to no end.  It stresses me out when I go to the Gap (or the Gap Outlet to be more precise) & have to struggle to find flare or boot cut jeans.

5. While we’re on the fashion subject, I hate pretty much all the clothes that are in style nowadays (for women).  Most of them are so unflattering on anyone who isn’t a size 2.  And let’s face it.  I’ve lost 15 lbs this year but I will never be a size 2.  And I don’t even want to be.  I do sometimes like the clothes I see other girls wear & yet I think those same styles look ridiculous on me.  It’s probably a good thing my work attire consists solely of scrubs.  Oh, & I don’t wear stilettos because I can’t think of a good reason to voluntarily torture myself.

6. I think Coach bags are a sham.  If I ever spend more than $50 on a purse, someone please take me to the hospital because that will be a sign I’m having a psychotic break.

7. I really don’t know how to use make-up.  I am scared to death to use an eyelash curler & I’ve never successfully learned how to apply eyeliner.

8. I really don’t like going out for drinks.  It’s over-priced & over-rated.  I don’t hate it, but if I want to drink I would always rather do it at home or at a friend’s apt/house.  It just feels more relaxed.  I know that makes me old & boring but it’s the truth.  Don’t get me wrong.  I love hanging out with friends & don’t mind a bit if other people want to drink more than me.  It’s just not my thing most of the time.

9. I hate treadmills.  In fact I really don’t enjoy any kind of cardio other than hiking (in the mountains) & soccer, neither of which I can do whenever I please.  But I do force myself to use the treadmill anyway.

10. I would rather eat a juicy burger than a crisp, healthy salad any day of the week.  I hate going out to eat & ordering just a salad.  It feels like such a waste.

11. For basically as long as I can remember, people have always thought I am older than I am.  I remember being a freshman in college & so many people thought I was a senior.  Nowadays instead of people asking “Are you married?,” they often ask “Do you have kids?”  I always want to tell them I’m not old enough to have kids & then I remember that technically I am.

12. I refuse to use self-tanner or tanning beds.  I have no problem with other people using self-tanner but I just don’t like “faking” my skin color even if it means being ungodly pale in the winter.  Tanning beds of course are carcinogenic & it amazes me that people still use them.

13. I don’t feel very comfortable in large groups & I hate crowds.  Yet I love teaching or speaking in front of an audience if it’s about a subject I enjoy, & I’m not afraid to share my opinion in staff meetings at work.

14. I’m in my mid 20’s & I still go to a dermatologist for acne.  Grrrrrrrrrrrr.

15. I have never dyed my hair.  Or had a perm.  Or even gotten hi-lights (how do you even spell that?!).  It’s a damn good thing I have naturally wavy hair that more or less styles itself or I would be screwed because I have no clue how to style hair & not much interest in learning.  What could be more boring than standing in front of a mirror staring at myself?

16. I despise modern pop music.  The lyrics are so superficial & vapid that it makes my head spin.

17. I prefer the mountains to the beach.  And I have a hard time NOT checking my work email when I’m on vacation.  I know, something is wrong with me.  Clearly.

18. I never rode in a taxi until I was 19.

19. I don’t have cable TV.  Growing up, I was so annoyed with my parents for not paying for cable TV because it meant I was always out of the loop at school.  But now that I’m an adult I just can’t bring myself to spend $60-$80/month on something I care to watch so rarely.

19. I haven’t read Harry Potter, Twilight, or 50 Shades of Grey.  But I have read a ton of other less popular books & I actually enjoyed reading the vast majority of my college textbooks.  I know, I am such a nerd.

20. I really don’t like cooking.  I don’t hate it by any means.  But it just isn’t something that I enjoy.  I wish I did.  I really do.  I have tried.  But it just isn’t happening.  Yet.

21. I over-think everything.  Duh.  Or I wouldn’t be posting this crap.

22. I am a perfectionist.  And yet my house is only marginally organized & far from spotless.  And half of the decorations in my house are stuffed animals.  If that makes me creepy, so be it.

23. As you can tell from the above listed items, I’m a nerd.  Yet I don’t like Star Wars, Star Trek, LOTR, or any of the “cool” nerd stuff.  I don’t hate those things.  I just don’t have any real interest in them.

24.  I’ve never really liked children very much, & yet I can’t stop thinking about being a mom lately.  What is wrong with me?!!

25. I don’t use Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, or Pinterest.  But I do maintain this crazy blog because I love writing & it helps keep me sane.

As much as I’d love to say that I revel in being weird, I’m not sure that I do.  Some days I do love all the crazy things that make me who I am.   And other days like today I just feel like I’m destined to always be weird & unsure where I fit in life.  Again, I know I over-think this stuff.  Forgive me.  To my friends who make me feel less weird & ridiculous, thank you.  I always say I know I have found a true friend when I meet someone who makes me feel a little less crazy & a little more normal.  Y’all know who you are & I am grateful for your friendship.

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