I Will Not Apologize for My Success


“You know she used some kind of diet pills to lose all that weight, right? There is no way she did that on her own.”

“I wish she’d stop posting those workout pictures all the time. No one cares about her stupid workout.”

“She must have slept with her boss. There is no way she got that promotion otherwise.”

We’ve all heard it, & we’ve all been guilty of it at times, myself included. We see someone else doing “better” than us, whether it’s related to fitness, wealth, career, family, or something else entirely, & suddenly we feel like we’re not up to par. What’s the natural human reaction when we feel like this? Tear down the other person, of course! They must have “cheated” somehow. They must have found a loophole or an easier route to success, right? Surely they couldn’t have accomplished whatever it is without some kind of “hack,” right? Right?!

What I’m trying to say is that I’ve noticed a trend nowadays of constantly minimizing or apologizing for our own success in life, largely out of fear of creating some kind of jealous backlash from others. I don’t know about y’all but I think this is nonsense. I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve had some tremendous advantages in life- namely being born in America into a stable, loving family who values education & hard work. That right there is worth more than any wealth or material things. I’m also white & I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that that’s still an advantage in this country (& probably in most of the world). Having said all that, I am sick of seeing people, myself included, feel like they have to tip toe around anything they’ve accomplished for fear of making others feel bad. And worse yet, I’m sick of seeing people tear down others who they feel have accomplished more than they have.

Am I endorsing constantly bragging about your salary or extravagant purchases or anything like that? No, of course not. There are ways to be tactful & there are certainly times in which it’s best to keep things under wraps a bit. For example, if your best friend has just had a miscarriage, now is not the time to be bombarding her with your own pregnancy updates. Duh. I’m all about being compassionate & sensitive to the needs of others, which if you know me in real life, you should understand. On the same token though, if I’ve lost weight & want to share about it because I’m proud of myself, I shouldn’t have to be afraid to do so because it might make someone else feel bad. Or if I’ve gotten a new job, I shouldn’t be afraid to tell people because it might make them doubt their own career choices.

What I’m getting at here is that how we respond to other people’s success says a lot more about US than it does about the other person. If I’m doing well at something & you’re not, I’m not responsible if my success makes you feel bad. On the other hand, if you’re doing better at something than I am, you are not responsible if your success makes me feel bad. Life is not all about feeling good all the time. Sometimes we NEED to feel bad- it’s how we get motivated to do better!

To be clear, I am writing this mainly from the perspective of what I’ve seen & heard from friends & family rather than what people have said about me/my husband. One of the best things about moving out of our hometown & into an urban area where hardly anyone knows us is that people don’t really talk about us. Not enough people here know us, especially outside of work, to really have any interest in gossiping about us. And if anyone gossips about us at home, well- we’re blissfully unaware of it! And my suspicion is there are far more interesting folks than us to talk about there, anyway. (Ha!)

However, because this is such a part of human nature, I’ve also noticed this phenomenon in the media/social media with celebrities, musicians, etc. As you may know, I am a huge fan of rock/metal. One thing I’ve noticed quite often is that when a band starts doing well, people start making excuses for their success. “Well, they knew so & so.” “Wow, they really blew up overnight. They’re so lucky.” What these people are almost always missing is all the YEARS (sometimes decades) of hard work that were poured into the music PRIOR to that success. They didn’t witness those years of the band touring in a van & living off of Ramen & the McDonald’s dollar menu- because the band wasn’t successful yet, so they weren’t even aware of their existence.

The same could be said for all kinds of situations. People want to think that someone just got lucky & that’s why they’ve accomplished XYZ success, but the truth of the matter is that luck is usually only one small component. Is it true that some people are born with certain advantages that others aren’t? Of course. We’d be lying if we said otherwise. But one thing I’ve noticed over & over when I read the stories of successful people (or talk to them in real life) is that they never focus on the obstacles in their way or the reasons why they “can’t” achieve their goals. They do NOT embrace a victimhood mentality even when at times perhaps it could be justified.

So, the next time you see someone achieving their goals & generally being successful in life (however you define that), & you start to feel bad about your own life, I challenge you to ask yourself two things.

  1. Do I actually want that kind of success? Each of us has a different definition of success so there is no need to be jealous of someone if their version of success doesn’t match your version anyway.
  2. How can I use this jealousy or these feelings of inadequacy as fuel to light my own fire? Instead of tearing down the other person or wallowing in pity for myself, let me take some time to define my own goals & start taking concrete steps to achieve them.

I will end by saying I am writing this as much to myself as to anyone. I’m over here struggling to lose the same 10-15 lbs I’ve been trying to lose (or losing & then regaining) for 5 years now. (Major face palm!) Sometimes I see other women (or men) who are in better shape than I am, & it is SO EASY to think “Oh well, they must have better genes than I do. They must have more free time than I do,” etc. But you know what? Whether those things are true or not doesn’t change the fact that I still have to do the work if I want to see changes.

Having said that, I’m off to do a workout! Putting some action behind these words!

Monday Morning Musings


I’ve got a lot of random thoughts swimming around my head right now.  And no, they aren’t ALL about pregnancy, babies, or children.  In case you’re wondering, this isn’t going to turn into a “mommy blog,” although I’m sure I will have more posts about that subject than I did before, but I assure you it won’t be the main theme.

Anyway, some of these topics may evolve into their own blog posts later this week, but for now I’ll just do a brief visit on each subject as a means of clearing my mind.pregnancy boob cartoon

  • On Saturday I went to one of the local malls to look for new bras. Yes, I’m not even finished with the first trimester (getting close though), & already my old bras have gotten too tight to be comfortable.  Woohoo!  Haha!  Anyway, there I am in Motherhood Maternity trying on bras when the saleswoman starts going on & on to me about how horrible her pregnancies were & how she desperately hopes she isn’t pregnant again.  As if that weren’t bizarre enough, she then goes on to say that I better hope my baby isn’t a girl because “girls are so much harder.”  (Did I mention I was trying on bras during all of this?!)  Unfortunately this isn’t the first time I’ve been told this.  As early as last year when I was just talking about having kids several women told me to hope for boys because “they’re easier.”  I’ve always found such comments incredibly rude & obnoxious, & I think the fact that they’ve always come from women makes them even worse.  How do these women not realize that they are perpetuating negative stereotypes against their own gender?  It’s very obvious to me that it all boils down to parents being afraid that their daughters will get pregnant & become a burden on them.  I understand this is a legitimate fear, but if we raised our kids in such a way that sex wasn’t completely off the table for discussion or always regarded as something dirty to which they can’t have access, maybe we wouldn’t have to worry so much about such things.  And shouldn’t parents of boys be equally worried that their sons will impregnate someone at an early age or disadvantageous time?  If I have sons I sure as hell will be.  And maybe we wouldn’t have to worry so much about our daughters getting hurt by men if we as a society raised better men.  Hmm, just a thought . . . No matter what your thoughts are on the subject, I just think it is unacceptable to make such comments, especially to a complete stranger!  Additionally, I just can’t help but wonder if women who make such comments treat their daughters differently than their sons.  I certainly am incredibly grateful that my mom (& dad) never once made me feel like I was more difficult or a greater burden to them because I was a girl.  Also next time someone makes such a comment to me (because sadly I’m sure it will happen again) I sincerely hope that instead of just being flabbergasted & saying nothing at all I will have the courage to tell them exactly where to get off.  In a relatively polite way of course.tony porter quote boy girl
  • The next subject actually deals with gender as well. Living in NC naturally there are all kinds of memes floating around the internet about the whole transgender bathroom issue.  I understand that some people have legitimate concerns that sexual predators will start using the women’s bathroom as a way to target females.  However, in my opinion the likelihood of this happening is no greater now than it ever has been.  I certainly have trouble believing that a cisgender heterosexual male is going to pretend to be transgender, one of the most misunderstood & generally disliked groups of people in our society, & dress up as a woman just to get into the women’s bathroom & have a chance of harassing someone.  But that’s not really what I want to discuss today.  What really bothers me about this whole issue is the complete lack of empathy I’m seeing over & over again in regard to the transgender community.  And a lot of this is coming from people I genuinely love & respect!  I just don’t understand how otherwise decent people can have so little empathy for someone who identifies with the opposite gender.  Do these people really think someone would CHOOSE to feel that way with all of the difficulties it entails just for the hell of it?  That’s absurd.  Besides which, if you really think about it, a person who is biologically a male but identifies as a woman & chooses to live as a woman is quite likely actually attracted to men & probably has no sexual interest in women anyway.  But that’s really all beside the point.  It’s the total lack of empathy surrounding this issue that just makes me want to pull out my hair & throw up my hands in defeat. empathy
  • Is it bizarre that the idea of potty-training my kids scares me more than teaching them about sex or death or other such traditionally “difficult” subjects? I was awake at 0500 today pondering such things as how to teach my kids fractions & basic math.  Somehow this seems more intimidating than teaching them all the “hard” stuff, which is kind of ironic considering I’ve always been really good at math anyway.  I just have this irrational fear that I won’t be able to figure out the “easy,” basic stuff like potty-training or teaching my kids to tie their shoes.  I know it’s irrational but that doesn’t stop me from worrying about these things sometimes.  Overall though I am extremely proud of myself for how relaxed I’ve been throughout this pregnancy so far.

    Gee, how long does it take to litter train one of these?

    Too funny!

  • I have never been the jealous type but there is this one girl who goes to my gym who is just so beautiful & in such perfect shape that I can’t help but feel a pang of jealousy every time I see her. Her face is beautiful, her hair is gorgeous, her skin is flawless, & she has the perfect amount of nicely defined muscles while still having plenty of curves.  But when I saw her yesterday it occurred to me that no matter how “perfect” she may seem to me, I have no idea how she actually feels about herself.  For all I know she could be jealous of girls like me who have considerably bigger boobs!  The point is we all have our own “hang-ups,” our own insecurities about our so-called “flaws” that in reality most other people probably never even notice.insecurity quote

Well, those are my thoughts for today.  As I said, some of these topics may evolve into separate blog posts later this week, but for now I hope these discussions were both humorous & thought-provoking.  Happy Monday, everyone!