Hot Take: I Love Adulthood


You’ve seen them, I know you have- all the memes about how much adulthood sucks. About how much we all wish we could go back to being children who get to take naps & have our biggest worry in life be something that- as an adult- seems incredibly trivial. I’ve laughed at those memes, maybe even shared them a time or two. But I’m coming at you today with what I know is, as they’re calling them these days, a “hot take.” The truth of the matter is I love being an adult. Yes, I do- I really 100% do! Furthermore I love being in my 30s even more than I loved being in my 20s. Crazy? Maybe- but it’s true just the same.

Now I realize that this might be a controversial opinion & I absolutely do not expect most readers to agree with me. In fact I have loads of empathy for others who are perhaps less fortunate than I am. Indeed, just this morning my husband told me that I am toxically empathetic- meaning I take on other people’s emotions to such an extreme that at times it becomes a detriment to my own mental health. And he’s 100% right. It’s one of my greatest strengths but also a fatal flaw at times. I’m getting carried away, but my point is I have no trouble understanding why many- I daresay most- people DON’T love adulthood the way I do. But that doesn’t change the fact that I love it.

If you’re one of those folks who doesn’t love adulthood, you might be asking yourself how I could possibly like paying bills, going to work, having a mortgage, grocery shopping, & all the other mundane & yet often incredibly stressful tasks that make up adult life. Well, the answer is this: it’s all about the freedom. As an adult I have the freedom to choose my career &, because of the career I chose, I even have the freedom to work part time & more or less choose my work hours. I have the freedom to choose what I’m buying & cooking each week- considering the amount of people in the world still facing dire poverty & even starvation, I consider that a major blessing! I have the freedom to choose where I live & where I send my child to school. The list could go on & on, but I think you get the drift.

Now many facets of my current lifestyle would not be possible without my husband- I’ll be the first to acknowledge that. But guess what- because I’m an adult I have the freedom to be with him! No one can tell me I can’t! And it’s not like I’m not also enriching his life/lifestyle. It’s definitely a two-way street, as all relationships should be.

Going hand in hand with having the freedom adulthood brings comes the knowledge that no matter how rough things get, they always get better. I still have days when my anxiety/depression &/or OCD tendencies roar their ugly head, but as an adult I now have the foresight to know that bad days are just part of life. Plus, I have better coping skills now. (Yes, one of those is Prozac but trust me, there is so much more to fighting the demons in my head than just that.) Furthermore as an adult I have a much greater capacity to understand that things that seem like a huge deal in the moment often aren’t. As a child or teen, I didn’t have that understanding- I don’t think anyone does. Our brains just aren’t wired that way. So, yes, I can look back at childhood, adolescence, or even college & think “Man, my problems then really were pretty inconsequential.” BUT- this the clincher- they didn’t feel that way at the time! They felt just as massive as any adult problem I face now, if not more so. Because my anxiety was far, far worse back then I just didn’t have the capacity to face things the way I do now. So no, I don’t want to go back- I’m far better off now.

Speaking of being better off now, that’s another reason I love adulthood. I didn’t have a terrible childhood by any means, but the fact remains that I am far happier as an adult than I ever was as a kid. I can’t claim to have been the victim of extreme bullying or anything like that, but I was definitely a strange, nerdy child who was often lonely at school. I know what it’s like to eat lunch alone, to creep around the cafeteria just hoping someone, anyone, will ask you to sit with them. And often finding no one who did. I know what it’s like to be picked last in gym class, over & over again. I know what it’s like to the butt of jokes, to be the kid who’s always out of the loop, never invited to the parties, etc. In fact, there was a three year stretch of elementary/middle school when I dearly wished my mom would homeschool me because I was so miserable thanks to certain kids at school. In the end, I’m so glad I stuck with it because things got much better in later middle school & high school, not to mention those hard years taught me some incredibly important life lessons, but the fact remains that for various reasons I am much happier now than I ever was back in my supposed “glory days.”

See, the things that make you weird, nerdy, & boring as a child/teen often make you interesting & exciting as an adult. I’ll never be “popular” or everyone’s favorite- I’m just not that sociable at the end of the day- but starting in college & continuing into the rest of my adult life I have found time & time again that the exact things that people found bizarre about me or that made me some kind of “loser” as a child/teen now make me interesting. Am I still unusual in many ways? Absolutely! But the difference is now when people say I’m weird they usually say it in a flattering way- like perhaps they wish they had the courage to be so authentic & unique- & not so worried what about what others think.

Yes, I talked about having an incredible store of empathy a few paragraphs ago, but I’ll let you in on a little secret now: I can be petty too. As much as I aspire to want the best for everyone & to forgive anyone who’s ever wronged me, the truth is that there is a part of me that enjoys seeing certain people reap exactly what they sowed. You see, those people who made fun of me years ago, who called me weird in a very MEAN way- well, most of them are definitely NOT loving adulthood. Many of them are meth-heads or alcoholics or generally not “living their best life.” They might have been cool, popular, & generally “living it up” when we were teens, but you better believe they aren’t now. The more spiritually evolved, healed part of me wishes them the best & sincerely hopes they can turn their lives around. I really do love a good redemption story. But there is a small part of me that is still a little bitter. I absolutely do not allow childhood slights to rule my adult life- that would be pathetic- but, well, the truth is karma is a bitch & sometimes it is a joy to watch her work!

The Taylor Swift song Mean comes to mind. In the chorus of the song she says “Someday I’ll be living in a big old city, but all you’re ever gonna be is mean. Someday I’ll be big enough so you can’t hit me, but all you’re ever gonna be is mean.” That song debuted in 2010 when I was in college & at the time it already felt relevant. After all, I’d escaped my hometown & was doing well in college, which is a lot more than most of those “mean” kids could say. They might have been the ones who used to talk about getting out of our hometown all the time but the vast majority of them never made it very far. But, now in my 30s- oh man, that song is even more glorious! I really am living in a big city now, not NYC or LA or anything like that. But compared to where I grew up, believe me, I am living in a METROPOLIS. And I love it!

And most of those former mean kids? Well, most of them are now just mean adults living a lifestyle that no one would envy. Meanwhile I have all the major things I’ve ever wanted in life- a great husband, a daughter, a house, two dogs, a career I love, & a handful of truly wonderful friends & family. And you know what? It feels so, so good.

So, yes, I love being an adult, despite any & all hardships it brings. Now, you may ask why I’m writing this. Am I just gloating in my own success? Well, maybe a little but I like to thing it’s more than that. I certainly don’t want to make others feel bad. But, you see, I still often find myself feeling lonely in a crowd- feeling like I’m the only person feeling a certain way. So I’m writing this to clear my own brain more than anything- BUT I’m also hoping it will find its way to one of those current weird kids who is struggling, that maybe it will offer them some hope that things CAN get better, that they aren’t doomed to always be lonely & at the bottom of the social totem pole.

The chances are slim to none that any of the former mean kids I referenced here will ever read this. But if by some great miracle you do- well, just know that I have forgiven you. I really have. But I also hope it burns you up a little to see how happy I am now. Just a little.

Stop Glorifying Mental Illness


Yes, I intentionally chose a potentially controversial title for this week’s post. This subject is something that’s been on my mind a lot lately, & there is probably no way to discuss it that won’t be controversial, so I figured why not just dive in whole-heartedly rather than tip toeing around the issue? So, with that out of the way, yes, I’m going to discuss the elephant in the room: the glorification of mental illness.

Now this post would be incomplete- & in fact quite tone deaf- if I didn’t acknowledge that we’ve come a long way when it comes to the subject of mental illness. We’re certainly handling it better than we were a couple hundred years ago when people were burned at the stake or cast out of society for even the smallest of social infractions – which may or may not have been related to mental illness. And even in the past decade we’ve made a lot of progress with the comfort level our society has in discussing mental illness. All of this is without a doubt a good thing.

The cold hard truth is that MOST people will experience some form of mental illness in their lifetime. It may not be debilitating, it may not last very long, it may not even require medical treatment. But due to break-ups, death, & other normal but extremely challenging life events, most people will experience an episode of depression or anxiety at some point in their life. Schizophrenia, bipolar, & other more long-term (& less situational) mental illnesses occur with far less frequency but are by no means uncommon. And it’s 100% a good thing for people to feel more comfortable discussing the subject of mental health. No one should be made to feel guilty, embarrassed, or “othered” for struggling with any kind of mental illness.

(Side note- with the lack of exercise, social isolation, & poor diet that so many Americans experience, it’s really no wonder our mental health is in the toilet.)

HOWEVER- I know, I know, you felt a but coming & here it is- what worries me is that instead of ACTUALLY encouraging people to seek help & work on their mental health, we seem to have gotten stuck in a cycle of glorifying mental illness. Or we act like the only help can be obtained from doctors & therapists. As I’ve discussed many times on this blog over the years, I am a big supporter of therapy & experience significant relief from my own struggles with anxiety & depression with the combination of therapy & Prozac. But that still isn’t the full picture. The truth is that therapy & Prozac are only two of the tools in my toolkit against depression & anxiety. There are a lot of others in there- like exercise (which largely consists of walks around the neighborhood), eating a relatively healthy diet, outdoor time, music, reading, writing, connecting with friends & family, etc. And for some people, these other things may be all that is needed.

The truth- at least what I’ve found to be true in my life– is that the best thing you can do for your mental health is learn to understand your own brain. This is something that therapy can teach you, of course, but I fully understand that not everyone can afford therapy or can find a therapist they really connect with. As much as I love mine, I only see her a few times a year because it’s expensive & frankly I’ve learned a lot of techniques I can use on my own anyway. The point is we need to learn to understand two basic things about ourselves: HOW do we think? And WHY do we think the way we do? For example: does your mind immediately catastrophize every situation? And if so, why? What kind of trauma in your past taught your brain that this was the logical way to think? It’s only when we are able to observe our own thought patterns & discover the reasons behind them (we may never know ALL the reasons of course), that we can begin to have power over our own mind. Once you’re able to answer these two questions, you will find that you don’t have to be a slave to your own mind. You CAN have power over it. Two great resources for this process that I highly recommend are Dr. Nicole LePera & her the.holistic.psychologist account on Instagram & the book What Happened to You? by Dr. Bruce Perry & Oprah.

The other difficult truth that we often don’t like to confront is that sometimes beating mental illness means doing things that are hard or make us uncomfortable. Just about every single person whose story I’ve read or listened to about overcoming depression/anxiety mentions exercise & spending time outdoors as major tools to fighting their demons. Do you think these people always WANT to exercise or get outside? Of course not! Our bodies, which include our minds, love to be lazy. It’s easy to be lazy! And while I absolutely believe we all need rest/recovery days, it worries me that I see so many posts & memes these days encouraging people who are depressed or anxious NOT to get out & exercise & do the hard things that will ultimately make them feel better. It’s almost like it’s become “cool” to be depressed. TRUST ME, I am guilty of this at times. I HAVE SHARED THOSE POSTS. I know that at times I have been part of the problem. While there is absolutely value in knowing that we’re not along in our struggles, I also believe that sometimes we need someone to give us a swift kick in the ass & help us get out of our funk. Sometimes we need to give ourselves that kick! At the end of the day, no one else can do the work for you. You have to be your own savior. Yes, that is daunting but it is also incredibly empowering.

If you want to listen to an excellent discussion on this subject, look no further than this fantastic podcast with my favorite YouTuber Finn McKinty & Caleb Shomo, frontman & musical mastermind of the band Beartooth (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IQgfBBmqsz0). In last week’s post, I discussed Beartooth’s latest album & how it’s all about Caleb finally winning his lifelong battle with depression. That doesn’t mean that depression is 100% in his past & that he’ll never struggle with it again- of course not. For many of us, it’s a DAILY battle. But he has finally found ways to make it less of a battle. If he can do it, I think any of us can. (And yes, exercise has been a HUGE part of his success over the past year or two.) As Finn & Caleb discuss, sometimes it’s easier to stay in a dark place because even if it’s miserable, it’s comfortable- it’s the devil we know. But that’s no way to live. Anyway, Finn & Caleb do an excellent job of discussing the issues with glorifying mental illness in this podcast & I strongly encourage you to give it a listen. They’re probably way more profound that I have been.

Perhaps these lyrics from Riptide (one of my favorites on the album- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zv3t0Fvgvik) sum it up best:

I’m done explaining my pain, this is way too much
I wanna feel euphoria, give me the rush
‘Cause it’s the last time that I romanticize
The riptide that’s trying to drown me
Full of excuses for way too long
Don’t wanna sing another hopeless song
‘Cause it’s the last time that I romanticize
The riptide, it’s a riptide

Don’t wanna die, I guess I gotta let it go
Don’t wanna die, I guess I gotta let it go

Again, this post is in no way intended to make anyone feel guilty or stupid for struggling with any mental illness. None of us gets to choose the brain we’re born with & the thought patterns we are prone to. But the vast majority of us CAN have far more control over our own brains than we tend to think. We just have to learn to understand ourselves. Once we do that, anything & everything else will be possible. It may still be a daily battle- & we may not win it every single day- but it CAN get better.

Side note- one of the best side effects of learning to understand ourselves is that it naturally helps us to better understand others- which leads to us being more compassionate & understanding & thus better able to serve others. But that’s a post for another day.

P.S. Just because you find ways to better manage your anxiety or depression, does NOT mean you have to become one of those annoying toxic positivity people. Absolutely not. Toxic positivity is actually mentally just as unhealthy as anxiety or depression because it doesn’t allow you to experience the full range of emotions that we are SUPPOSED to experience. But again that’s a post for another day.

Now- do I really want to go exercise right now? Absolutely not. But am I going to do it anyway? You better believe it!

I’m Weird & I Love It


“I’m weird & I love it.” Now sing that to the tune of LMFAO’s Sexy & I Know It which was all the rage back in 2011. It works, right? Right. Ok, onto more serious stuff…

If you know me, you know I love rock music. Well, a week ago today a band called Beartooth released their latest album The Surface. One of the more recent singles off the album is entitled Might Love Myself (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=83rcK9Xne5A) & it perfectly encapsulates the positive self-love anthem of the record. If you know anything about Beartooth, you know this is a MASSIVE change for them. Frontman & primary songwriter Caleb Shomo has been very open about the severe depression he has struggled with from his teens on through his entire adulthood. In fact it has been the primary theme of most of the band’s music. But over the past two years he has finally found his way out of the darkness of self-loathing & learned to love himself. I for one have thoroughly enjoyed watching Caleb’s transformation into a happier, healthier human being- it’s so inspiring! The music on this album is every bit as heavy as before, but there is now a clarity & soul in Caleb’s voice that shines through in an undeniable way- & that alone is enough to make this their best album to date.

Anyway, the reason this is relevant is that today’s post is all about embracing the fact that I am in fact a bit weird- but I LOVE that about myself! Now, I have never struggled with the kind of self-loathing that Caleb has (or that my husband has), but I have definitely struggled with various forms of anxiety, depression, & OCD tendencies for most of my life. I wasn’t always AWARE of it, especially in my younger years, but the older I’ve gotten, the more I’ve realized that my brain really is a bit different than most. For better or worse, I am definitely prone to a melancholy personality- which is not to say that I’m sad all the time. Not at all. It’s more that I’m overly serious & struggle to truly relax (my husband is the same way). Moreover, it’s been a major theme of my life that I frequently find myself feeling like a bit of a loner. Again, not necessarily that I don’t have friends or everyone hates me, just that I often feel like I’m the only person in any given group who doesn’t feel like or agree with everyone else. To put it simply, it’s been a common refrain in my life for people to tell me I’m a little weird or different or not like they expected me to be (for whatever reason).

Now as a child/teen, as you can imagine, hearing this kind of feedback (whether directly or indirectly), wasn’t always encouraging. Sometimes it felt like a punch in the face. After all, there is nothing kids/teens want more than to “fit in,” to be accepted, to NOT stand out too much (at least not in a negative way). But I learned at a very young age that I was never going to be able to be “cool,” that no matter how hard I tried I would always be too nerdy or too smart or too quiet or I wore the wrong clothes or whatever. I would always be just a bit outside of the “cool” realm. Naturally I ended up finding acceptance with the other nerdy types which was more than good enough for me. Now, as an adult, I’ve come to really enjoy when people tell me I’m weird or that my tastes are nerdy or that I’m just not what they expected. Because nowadays such things are usually said in a more positive manner. They’re usually said with an undertone of “Wow, you’re interesting!” rather than “What’s wrong with you?” Even if this kind of feedback occasionally is a bit more negative, as an adult, I just don’t care. While I still sometimes find myself wishing there were more people in the world like me, just so I’d feel less “different” at times, in the end I realize that it’s my uniqueness that makes me who I am. And I LIKE who I am.

As stated previously, I’ve never struggled with true self-loathing, but nowadays I am a lot more positive about myself than I was years ago. And the best side effect of that is that I am SLOWLY learning to be less of a people-pleaser. I have learned that some people cannot BE pleased anyway (because they will always find something to complain about). Moreover, being a confident person who stands up for her beliefs is enough to turn some people off – because they like living in their echo chambers & don’t like anyone contradicting them or encouraging them to think outside their own little boxes. The point is I am finally learning to be ok with sometimes being disliked. I don’t think I will ever completely rid myself of the desire to be liked but I have learned that what my mom said years ago is true: It’s better to be respected than to be liked. Respect is worth a lot more, in the end.

Having said all that, I thought it would be fun to create a list of things that make me weird, unusual, or whatever adjective you want to use to indicate being a bit outside of the norm.

  • Thanks to my OCD tendencies, I never let me email inbox get cluttered. Furthermore, I never leave text messages unread for more than a few hours, & I almost always respond in a timely manner. It feels like I’m leaving something undone if I don’t, & I hate that feeling.
  • I keep any cash I have in order in my wallet- in other words, larger bills at the bottom, smaller bills on top, all facing the same direction. If they’re not like that, it creates a level of anxiety that is disproportionate to the “crime.”
  • I still sleep with stuffed animals. No, my husband doesn’t mind. He wouldn’t be my husband if he minded. Furthermore, I still collect stuffed animals. I even bought a small stuffed Covid virus back during the pandemic. And somewhere or other I still have a stuffed herpes virus & a stuffed neuron (brain cell) I got in college. Not kidding. As someone told me just yesterday “That is some real nerd stuff.”
  • My husband & I don’t wear our wedding rings. We’ve been married for 12 years & he has never worn his regularly, & I haven’t worn mine regularly past maybe the first year. I couldn’t tell you the last time I wore them. It’s been years for sure. This is one that REALLY bothers some people, which I find strange because if it doesn’t bother us (& obviously it doesn’t), why should anyone else care?
  • Again, my husband & I have been married for 12 years but we have never had a joint bank account or credit card. We split the bills, with him paying a bit more than I do since he makes more money than I do, & we pay for our own “miscellaneous” expenses which works out great because neither of us can whine about the other spending money on something we don’t value. Someone once told me this was “un-biblical.” While I know the person meant well, I wish I’d had the presence of mind to respond that banks didn’t really EXIST in biblical times, which made the comment quite irrelevant. (Insert eye roll here.)
  • Despite my predilection for rock/metal, I don’t have any tattoos. I have no problem with tattoos- I quite like them as a general concept- but I have never had any particular desire to have any myself. Neither do I have any piercings aside from basic earrings. Nor do I wear black all the time. In fact, aside from band T shirts that are of course disproportionately black, I rarely wear black at all, unless you count black yoga/athletic pants.
  • I didn’t love the baby stage, especially the newborn stage. I struggled with PPD which of course colored things a lot for me, but even so, I’ve just never been someone who really loves babies. I do not miss my child being younger. I never get sad when I think about her needing me less as she grows up. Quite the opposite- I’m usually cheering. “You want to take a shower by yourself now instead of me helping you with a bath? Fantastic!” Of course I have good memories & fleeting moments of nostalgia, but trust me when I say they’re fleeting.
  • On a similar token, I don’t dread the teenage years. I LIKE older kids & teenagers. You can have so much more interesting conversations with them. They really have their own personalities & likes/dislikes by then. They are – in my opinion anyway- so much more rational. Yes, I know, I am crazy. You won’t find my volunteering much at my daughter’s school nowadays but in a few years, I’ll probably be happy to do anything I can.
  • Aside from a little football here & there, I genuinely don’t watch TV anymore (& never have much), not even Netflix. I just prefer to read. I’ve always got so many books that I want to read that I just can’t find time for television. And I truly don’t feel like I’m missing anything of value to me. Does this mean I’m left out of conversations at work sometimes or that I am oblivious to certain TV/movie references people make in general conversation? Yes. But does it bother me these days? Absolutely not.
  • I actually like cold weather. It’s the heat that I find suffocating, depressing, & soul sucking. But when I feel a chill in the air, my spirit soars.
  • I actually ENJOY going places alone- whether it’s a restaurant, a movie (not that I’ve been to a movie theater in almost a decade, but I did used to enjoy going to matinees alone on occasion), or a concert. Being alone in a crowd doesn’t bother me. I love to people watch. I love my own company. If that makes me weird- well, as far as I can tell, I got the trump card.

I could go on & on, but if you’ve read this far I think you get the point. Some days are still a struggle, some days I still feel like maybe I wasn’t made quite “right,” like there’s something “wrong” with me. But in general I’m in a better place now than ever. Coming back to Might Love Myself by Beartooth- as the song states “I’m exactly who I want to be.”

My challenge to you is to find whatever makes you weird or different & celebrate it. And if you can’t find anything, that’s ok too. Regardless, the more you love yourself- which sometimes requires actively changing your behavior if you find things that need work- the better your life will be & the more you’ll be able to truly love others, even those who are very different from you.

The Problem with Small Towns


This blog post has been a long time coming, to borrow a small town phrase. Perhaps it was finally pushed into fruition since I spent a few days in my hometown earlier this week while my daughter’s school was closed & my husband was traveling for work.

For those who don’t know anything about me, allow me to preface this with a quick autobiography so you will have a better context for the rest of this post. I grew up in a small town in central Virginia, a place with 4 stoplights in the entire county (there are 5 now since we got a Wal-Mart!). A place with one primary, one elementary, one middle, & one high school for the whole county. A place that- at the time I was growing up there- required you to drive a minimum of 20 mins to get to the closest Wal-Mart. A place with more churches than restaurants. And zero bars. I moved away for college when I was 18, albeit to another small town but it was sufficiently bigger that it felt like a small city to me. Which is probably proof of how rural my early years really were! Anyway, aside from the summer after freshman year of college, I have never lived there again (after college my husband & I moved to an urban area in another state). And that summer was the longest one of my life because I spent most of the time counting down until I could go back to school & get out of there. I can truly say I have never regretted moving away & I’m quite certain I never will.

For a little more context, allow me to add that for the first few years after I left my hometown I was quite angry & bitter toward the town. Because it was all I had known for 18.5 years, it was quite a shock to find out at college that my formative years were quite different than those of many of my peers. It was easy to feel like I’d missed out on a lot in life, to feel like my town had somehow held me back or deprived me of experiences. However, as time has gone by I’ve become a lot more forgiving of my hometown. I actually feel more connected to the town & many people there than I have in a long time. Even so, I’ll never be that person who loves their hometown & thinks it’s the best place on Earth- not even close. But I’m no longer angry & bitter about it. However, I think I’ll always have very conflicted feelings about it. I think it will always be a place that conjures as much sadness for me as it does happiness, as much disappointment as it does pride.

Now to get to the meat of the message- there are so many problems with small towns in the rural South, & I daresay with small towns the world over. Of course there are plenty of problems with more urban areas too- but that isn’t the focus of today’s post. So- what are the problems plaguing my home town & thousands, nay probably millions, of others like it? Well, there’s poverty, racism (some quite overt, some much more veiled but equally sinister), religious extremism, drug use (this one has spiked exponentially over the past few years), closed-mindedness, unemployment, depression & other mental health issues, domestic abuse/violence, cronyism, isolation, & obesity- to name a few.

But the number one problem that I think plagues small towns is a refusal to see the full potential in others, an insistence on categorizing people & making assumptions about them based on said categorizations. This is especially true in adolescence but I’m very sad to say that I think it often extends far beyond high school & into all of adulthood. Now hear me out on this because I realize this may seem like a far smaller problem than the other things I listed above. The reason I say this is the number one problem is because I think it is the root cause- or a root cause anyway- of many of the other problems, including racism. When people feel categorized from such a young age- whether it be as a nerd, a jock, an athlete, a class clown, a goth, etc- this can & often does have a crippling effect on self esteem, ambition, etc. People feel stuck in roles that quite often they didn’t truly choose. All of this can lead to depression & isolation which are hardly good starting points for happiness & success in life. Not to mention there is the pressure people feel to please others or to conform to local societal norms to avoid rejection & humiliation.

To expound on my own experiences, one of the reasons college was so exhilarating for me was because it was the first time in my life I didn’t feel looked down upon for being smart. It was the first time I felt like I could be truly & authentically myself without people immediately categorizing me in a negative way. It was also the first time I felt free to fully explore my own ideas & beliefs about life without people breathing down my neck telling me how wrong or sinful I was to question things. That’s a whole other blog post right there but the point is that being away from my hometown really allowed me to come into my own, so to speak. And it also allowed me to appreciate all kinds of different people, many of which broke the stereotypes that I’d so often seen or heard at home.

I always hear the stereotype that small towns are the friendliest places in the world. I can see why people say that but I think they can be the meanest places too. For example, in a small town, it’s so easy to see someone who uses drugs & just say “Oh, they’re a useless druggie.” You’d think that small towns might have more empathy for these people because “everyone knows everyone” but what I’ve realized is that everyone does NOT know everyone at all. Sure, most people know each other as far as names, relatives, things like that. But that does NOT mean we actually know each other. We often know only the most superficial things about each other but end up assuming we know so much more. Just because someone is or was categorized as a certain thing in school or beyond in no way means we actually know anything about their true personality- their likes, their dislikes, their dreams, their ambitions, etc. And yet so much of the time we are so quick to assume we know everything about everyone just because we’ve all lived in the same area for so long. How do I know this? I know it because I have been guilty of it too. And still am at times.

As far as the drug use issue, such attitudes only serve to further isolate these people & therefore drive them further down the hole of addiction. I am in no way saying they aren’t responsible for their decisions but I do think our world would be a much better place if we spent less time looking down on addicts just to feel better about ourselves & more time understanding WHY people make such unhealthy decisions, & thus tried to address the root causes of addiction. But, again, that’s a whole other blog post right there.

What I’m trying to get at here is this. Agatha Christie said over & over in her books that even the smallest village is a microcosm for the world as a whole because no matter how small a place is the essential nature of human beings doesn’t change. All the good & all the evil that can be accomplished or undertaken in the world can & does happen in the smallest of towns, just as it does in the largest of cities. I started reading her books in high school- actually probably middle school- & even then I knew she was probably right in this assertion. But I hadn’t yet lived anywhere but a small town so I had no experience elsewhere to confirm it. Now I do. And now I know that the reason small towns have the problems I’ve discussed here is because HUMANITY has these problems. And as much as you might think that having a smaller amount of people might somehow lessen those problems, I think it’s actually quite the opposite. I think it only serves to heighten the problems, perhaps because there are fewer people to dilute them, if that makes any sense. What I’m saying is it’s so easy for outsiders to see places like my hometown as these perfect, quaint, peaceful towns but in reality there is so much darkness underneath the surface. But I think that’s because there is so much darkness in human nature as a whole. And just because there are fewer people doesn’t mean there is any less darkness.

Remember how I said I will always have conflicting emotions about my hometown, how it will always elicit as much disappointment as it does pride? Well, the truth of the matter is that the same is true for HUMANITY as a whole. It’s just that I feel so much more strongly about it when it’s associated with the place where I grew up, the place that “should” feel like home but really doesn’t.

So my unsolicited advice to all my friends & family back home or anyone else reading this from a small town (or anywhere really) is this: don’t assume you know folks just because you’ve known them your whole life. Allow people to be more complex than you might have previously pictured. I know the world is scary & confusing- perhaps all the more so since Covid struck- but categorizing people in an attempt to simplify things doesn’t help anyone, including yourself. And remember, I am writing this to myself too.

Just to be clear, I haven’t written all this to point my finger at my hometown & others like it. I have not written all this to say I’m better than anyone there because I moved away. I’ve written all this to try to make sense of a confusing world. To try to find some peace about a place that often causes me such unrest. If you don’t like it, that’s fine. The older I get the less I care what others think because that doesn’t pay my bills or help me sleep at night. If you’re truly happy living there or in another small town somewhere, I am sincerely happy for you- & even a bit jealous if I’m truly being honest. Remember, my gripe here isn’t really specific to small towns- it’s to humanity as a whole. And I know I’m part of that too.

Edit: I’d like to share one of my all time favorite songs. It’s sad & beautiful all at once & while it was clearly written with a person in mind, I feel like it perfectly sums up my relationship with my hometown & with small towns in general. “I love you, but I leave you. I dont want you, but I need you… I’ve got a gypsy soul to blame & I was born for leaving…”

https://youtu.be/oouFE51HcqM

Reflections of a New Mother


Six weeks ago today baby Rachel entered this world!  So much has happened in those six weeks, so in a way it seems like a long time, yet in another way it seems like no time at all.  I know all new parents say this but it really is hard to imagine my life without Rachel now that she is here.

The last two days have been pretty rough (although the past two nights have been great), so I thought it would be therapeutic to share some of my reflections on motherhood thus far.me-and-rachel-penguin

  1. Being a mom is incredibly hard.  I always knew it would be; I was never naive enough to think this would be a walk in the park or all fun & joy.  Of course not.  But you just can’t understand how truly difficult it is until you do it.
  2. Motherhood is full of extreme emotions.  On any given day I cycle between extreme love, joy, devotion, fear, anxiety, frustration, & a whole gamut of other emotions.  This is all totally normal of course but it is exhausting at times to feel like an emotional yo-yo.
  3. That being said, the extreme joy & love truly do make up for all the more “negative” emotions.  I always worried that moms said that just because they felt they had to but it really is true.  Trust me, I’ve had moments when I’ve wondered if I made a mistake in becoming a mom.  And I’m sure I’ll have more of those moments for the rest of my life.  But the point is those are just moments.  They don’t last forever.  me-and-rachel-fire
  4. Taking care of yourself is absolutely imperative to surviving motherhood.  This is just one of many reasons that being a single mom (or dad) is clearly not how parenthood was designed.  I’ve quickly learned that it’s essential that I eat a reasonably healthy diet, drink plenty of water, spend some time outside, listen to music, take a shower, read a little here & there, & generally do all the things that help keep me sane.  My mantra these days is “You cannot pour from an empty cup.”  In other words, Rachel needs a healthy, sane mommy & that means I need to take care of myself every bit as much as I’m taking care of her.  Which feeds right into my next point.
  5. Being able to take care of myself is largely dependent on my husband’s support.  I know every mom says this but once again it is so true: I’ve never loved my husband more than when I see him with our daughter.  When he changes her diapers, pushes her stroller, wears her in the baby carrier on his chest, & cuddles & kisses her my heart truly melts.  Furthermore, when he does the dishes or the laundry or cooks me dinner I want to kiss his feet.  Parenthood is definitely meant to be a two person job.  I never doubted that but now that I’m living it I can attest that it is 100% true.daughter quote
  6. Moms are the most giving people in the world.  I can’t say thank you enough to all the wonderful ladies who have reached out to me for encouragement & support over the past six weeks.  Y’all know who you are & you’re all amazing.  I hope someday I can encourage other new moms the way so many of you have done for me.  Seriously, THANK YOU!
  7. Breastfeeding is hard.  Like woahhhh.  To be honest, it’s actually not been physically painful the way I feared it would be.  However, it is still very demanding, both mentally & physically.  While I was pregnant I set two breastfeeding goals.  My ultimate goal was/is to make it a full year, but I will be perfectly satisfied if I make it to six months.  My minimum goal was to make it to six weeks, & I’m happy to say that as of today I’ve fulfilled that goal.  Woohoo!  I haven’t made it this far without a TON of support & encouragement though.  It’s truly been a team effort in so many ways!  There have been so many days when I’ve wanted to throw in the towel & I’m sure there will be more of them, but knowing I’ve already made it this far will hopefully continue to encourage me on the difficult days.breastfeeding-cartoon
  8. Being a mom with anxiety & OCD tendencies is hard.  Thank goodness for a fantastic husband, a great mom, some dear friends, a wonderful therapist, & Zoloft.  And music.  (I switched from Prozac to Zoloft about 3 weeks ago at the suggestion of Rachel’s pediatrician because Zoloft is considered better for breastfeeding.)  Even if you don’t have a history of anxiety or depression or any other mental health issue, don’t be afraid to seek help as a new mom.  I think EVERYONE could benefit from a few sessions with a good therapist & no one more so than us frazzled, sleep-deprived new mommies.
  9. As much as I love Rachel now & am enjoying many things about the newborn/baby stage, I still very much look forward to her being a little older.  I know most moms say they miss the baby stage & often yearn for those days, but I seriously doubt that will ever be me (at least not often).  I’ve always said I prefer older kids & teens, & I still think that is true for me.  Trust me, I am not rushing anything.  I am enjoying (most) of where we are right now.  But there is a part of me that still can’t wait for the day when I can have real conversations with her, even about the hard stuff like death, sex, war, etc.  Yes, I’m crazy, I know, but I really do look forward to that day.  I also can’t wait to take her on hikes & to concerts & share the joy of all of those things with her.  It might make me weird, but I don’t think it makes me a bad mom to say that I will probably love being a mom even more as she gets older.motherhood-quote
  10. There is absolutely no room for comparison in motherhood.  I’ve said it before & I’ll say it again: motherhood is not a competition.  Some moms breastfeed, some use formula, some do both.  Some moms make beautiful baby books, some don’t.  Some moms decorate a perfect nursery, some don’t.  Some moms co-sleep, some don’t.  Some moms wear their babies, some don’t.  And some babies will sleep through the night or learn to walk/talk faster than others.  The point is none of these things makes one mom better than another.  We are not competing against anyone.  Some moms seem like they have it all together while others of us are just happy we took a shower & did a load of laundry today.  As for me, I’m never going to be the mom who pretends she has it all figured out.  I think the world could benefit from more candidness.  The truth is my house is frequently a little messy (& it was like that long before I became a mom; I just have a better excuse now), I’ve shaved my legs a grand total of twice since I gave birth, & sometimes I hate breastfeeding.  I’m not “perfect” but I’m doing the best I can, & that’s all any of us can do.  At the end of the day if mom & baby are healthy & happy that’s all that matters.  Everything else is just details.
  11. Being a mom really is the best thing I’ve ever done.  End of story.  🙂

I’m not sure this song totally fits with the post but I discovered it last week & I’m in love with everything about it so I’m going to share it anyway.  (Yes, I’m still listening to “heavy” music.  Thankfully Rachel seems to like it!)  Check out the lyrics below:

I’ve always been a fan of the night life
‘Cause it’s the only life I had
Expressing my mind with paper & a pen playing my guitar
‘Till my fingers bled on the carpet
Maybe I wasn’t like all the normal kids
I was born just a little bit different
I tried to fit in, I got sick of it
I tried to fit in, I got sick of it
You say I’m just a loser in the background
I can never seem to get it right
But I’m learning my worth is more than your word
You told me I would back out, I would break down
I’m not even putting up a fight
But I’m learning my worth is more than your word
It wasn’t easy being rejected by the thing I wanted so bad
To be accepted, to be wanted
To wake up & say this is gonna be a good day
Maybe I wasn’t like all the normal kids
I was born just a little bit different
I tried to fit in, I got sick of it
I tried to fit in, I got sick of it
You say I’m just a loser in the background
I can never seem to get it right
But I’m learning my worth is more than your word
You told me I would back out, I would break down
I’m not even putting up a fight
But I’m learning my worth is more than your word
More than your word
I was born a little bit different
I was born a little bit different
I was born just a little bit different
I was born a little bit different
I was born a little bit different
You say I’m just a loser in the background
I can never seem to get it right
But I’m learning my worth is more than your word
You say I’m just a loser in the background
I can never seem to get it right
But I’m learning my worth is more than your word
You told me I would back out, I would break down
I’m not even putting up a fight
But I’m learning my worth is more than your word
I got sick of it
I got sick of it
I tried to fit in, I got sick of it
I tried to fit in, I got sick of it

Anxiety, Plane Tickets, & Flying Solo


I did something tonight that might not seem like a big deal to most people but was a big deal for me: for the first time in my 20-some years of life, I bought a plane ticket.  By myself.  With no help from my husband or anyone else.  AND I did it WITHOUT HAVING AN ANXIETY ATTACK.

When my husband & I went to Montana last Fall, he bought the plane tickets (actually I paid for them I think, but he did all the work of finding & selecting the flights).  Ditto for when we went to Boston the next month for a wedding.  Furthermore, every other flight I’ve taken in my life was planned by someone else; thus, I was never involved in the tedious process of finding & obtaining tickets.  All I had to do was show up & follow someone else who knew what they were doing.airplane

Not only did I find, select, & buy the plane ticket for this trip by myself, but this will also be my first time flying by myself.  I know for most people my age this whole scenario probably seems like no big deal.  But when you have anxiety like I do, even something as “simple” as buying a plane ticket, particularly for a solo trip, can induce extreme anxiety, the kind that most people associate with taking a major exam or giving a speech.  (Oddly enough, neither of those activities has ever been all that nerve-wracking for me, with the exception of the NCLEX, although I only had major anxiety about that the day I actually took the test).

In any case, as “silly” as it may seem, one of the most beneficial things I’ve learned from a dear, dear friend of mine who is bipolar is that, particularly when you have a mental health issue, even something as “small” as mild anxiety, you have to learn to celebrate even the minor victories.  You have to learn to recognize when you’ve reached a milestone in your recovery, if you will.  I hate to use the word recovery because I don’t believe my anxiety is something I need to or can “recover” from.  It’s not an illness, like the flu or strep throat, mostly because it’s not something that can be cured with a week’s worth of medication with only a small chance of recurring later.  But my anxiety IS a disease that I have to learn to manage, just like many other folks have to learn to manage diabetes or heart disease or any of a myriad of other chronic conditions.hello-my-name-is-anxiety

In my case, I’ve realized that buying a plane ticket by myself for a trip I’ll be taking by myself WITHOUT HAVING AN ANXIETY ATTACK is indeed a victory.  It’s an accomplishment, just as much as is giving a successful speech, acing an exam, winning a game, or any other more commonly recognized achievement.  A year ago, before I started taking Prozac, I can tell you without any doubt that this would not have happened.  So this is progress for me for sure.anxiety meds

As I was telling a friend at work last week, the longer I’ve been in therapy, the more I’ve realized that my anxiety has very deep roots.  In other words, this is something I’ve been struggling with more or less my entire life.  It’s probably the major reason I wasn’t a very happy child.  Don’t get me wrong; I wasn’t depressed or suicidal or anything like that.  But I just never remember experiencing that carefree existence that most children seem to enjoy.  I still feel guilty for that sometimes because my parents were & are wonderful people who did so much to ensure that I had a healthy, happy home.  But I’m slowly beginning to understand that it was my own anxiety that prevented me from fully embracing life for so many years.  And that wasn’t my parents’ fault.  Or mine.  It’s just the way it is.anxiety charlie brown

The trouble is that when anxiety is something you’ve battled for so long, it’s very easy not to realize that it isn’t normalAfter all, the only brain you know is your own!  This is why it took me over 22 years to realize that maybe, just maybe, the constant swirl of anxiety in my brain wasn’t normal.  Better yet that it wasn’t how things HAD to be for me.  I look back now on my college years & I so regret not seeking help sooner.  It’s not that I didn’t have a good time & create lots of wonderful memories.  I absolutely did.  But I also know it could have been much better.  I’m also very aware that on the outside I probably seemed like I had it all together . . . & in a way I did.  I graduated with a 4.0 GPA, I maintained my relationship with my high school boyfriend (now husband), I passed the NCLEX on the first try, & I got married & started my first nursing job within 3 months of graduating from college.  Outwardly, I suppose I was the definition of “put together.”

A very simplified explanation of anxiety . . . but it made me laugh.

A very simplified explanation of anxiety . . . but it made me laugh.

But on the inside my brain was a wreck.  No wonder I struggled with high blood pressure for a while!  My mind, & subsequently my body, was on constant overdrive for so many years.  As my husband describes it, I had this endlessly “chattering squirrel” in my head that was always, always, always thinking, thinking, thinking!  Despite what many people think, having anxiety isn’t just spending too much time pondering the “what ifs?” of life.  It’s so much more than that.  It’s a brain that never stops, that plans everything, & perhaps more than anything just doesn’t know how to shut up & relax.  And a brain that can’t relax is a brain that will eventually burn out.anxiety

This is why I’m so incredibly grateful I took the advice of a friend & sought help: first through therapy & eventually by adding medication (Prozac).  Through a combination of the two, I have come to an even greater appreciation of so many things in life that I’ve always enjoyed but that I can now enjoy even more & thus utilize to further relieve my anxiety: music, books, my relationship with my husband, & so much more.

Trust me, there are still days when I struggle with my anxiety.  There are times when the idea of interacting with anyone other than my husband or closest friends seems like torture.  But those days are much fewer & further between now.  And even when they happen, I have the foresight to know they won’t last forever.  And that one bad day doesn’t doom me to a bad week, month, year, or life.bad day quote

I’ve wandered a lot in this post.  But, as I’ve done so many times before, I want to encourage anyone who is struggling with anxiety, depression, or any other mental illness to seek help.  Admitting that you need help is NOT a weakness.  Let me repeat that: needing help is NOT a weakness.  Rather it is the first & perhaps most important step in creating a better, more peaceful life for yourself.MentalHealth-HeadGraphic-250px

Looking back on my childhood, adolescence, & even into college, there were so many signs that the anxiety I faced on a daily basis was not normal.  But they were mostly things that only I knew about (for example, the hours I spent awake at night off & on for years & years thinking about the Holocaust & how horrifying that was) . . . My point is that I didn’t realize how bad things were until I got the courage to ask for help.  And now that I’ve gotten help & my anxiety is so much better managed, I honestly can’t believe I struggled alone in silence for so long.  But I suppose sometimes we have no idea how dark the night is until we see the light of day.  I’ve found that light, & there are days when it is dimmer & days when it is brighter, but I think I am now even more grateful for the light since I know what it was like to live in the dark for so long.

Whatever you're facing, you are not alone.

Whatever you’re facing, you are not alone.

If you’re living in the dark of anxiety, depression, or any other mental illness, please don’t suffer alone.  Get help.  Life CAN be better.  I am living proof.

America’s Mental Health Crisis


I’ve had several different topics up for consideration on the blog this week, but in the wake of the tragic suicide of Robin Williams I’ve decided to continue my focus on mental illness.  As our country, indeed our world, tries to come to terms with the paradox that a comedian as brilliantly talented as Robin Williams could suffer from depression so severe that he would end his own life, I hope that we will each open our minds to understanding the true gravity of mental illness.

Every few years when a celebrity commits suicide or dies of a drug overdose, our society gives a cursory nod to mental illness & the same old platitudes are rolled out over & over: “Anyone can suffer from depression.”  “Get help.”  “Don’t suffer alone.”  While all of these things are true, the sad reality is that true change never happens.  The same old stigmas against mental illness persist which only contribute to the negative cycle of these diseases, making it difficult for people to even seek treatment.  For those who overcome the stigma & do seek treatment, the lack of adequate resources continues to make finding & continuing treatment a true challenge.

robin williams

To understand the gravity of mental illness, one must first understand the prevalence of the problem.  According to the National Institute of Mental Health, a branch of the National Institutes of Health, some 18.6% of adults in the US suffer from some form of mental illness.  Read that figure again: 18.6%.  That is almost 20% of the population!  (Please note this does not even include substance or alcohol abuse.)  Anxiety & depression make up the largest percentage of this figure with schizophrenia representing about 1% of the US adult population & bipolar disorder about 2.6% of the US adult population.  While these figures may seem low, consider that out of every 100 people you know, at least one or two of them are probably suffering from one of these serious disorders.  Regarding anxiety & depression, the NIMH reports that almost 7% of the adult population in the US has suffered at least one major depressive episode in the past year & that about 18% of the adult population has suffered a major anxiety episode in the past year with a life-time prevalence as high as almost 29%.  Furthermore, it is estimated that as much as 25% of homeless people are suffering from a severe mental illness.  Shockingly, suicide is the tenth most common cause of death for adults in the US, according to the CDC.

I do not mean to overwhelm you with numbers & statistics, but my point here is that mental illness is extremely common.  It does not discriminate against age, race, gender, religion, wealth, intelligence, or talent.  ANYONE can suffer from mental illness & many do.  For some people mental illness is transient & with proper treatment they may never suffer from it again (this is more common with SOME cases of anxiety or depression).  But for others it is a chronic condition that will persist throughout their lifetime (for example, bipolar & schizophrenia are rarely, if ever, transient conditions).

bipolar-quote

Sadly very little is understood about the causes of mental illness.  Certainly most doctors & scientists would agree that mental illnesses are affected by both nature (genetics) & nurture (environmental factors).  But for the most part we are just treating the symptoms with mental illness because we really don’t know the exact cause.  There is little research in this field so sadly there are not as many advances in treatment as one would hope.

As I mentioned earlier, the accessibility to treatment for mental illness is sorely lacking in this country.  Not only are there far too few psychiatric facilities for the seriously ill, but access to outpatient therapy is far from adequate.  For example, without insurance my therapist would cost almost $200 a session, a price I could not afford to pay more than a few times a year & a price that would be absolutely prohibitive for many Americans.  Prior to the 2008 passing of the Paul Wellstone and Pete Domenici Mental Health Parity and Addiction Equity Act, more commonly known as the mental health parity act, insurance companies were not required to provide equal access to mental health treatments.  Even after this, many insurance companies provided minimal access to mental health treatment.  With the passing of the ACA, we can only hope that mental health services will finally begin to expand & that greater accessibility will finally take shape.  The sad reality is that those suffering from mental illness, particularly severe mental illness, are more likely to have difficulty holding down a steady job which translates into being uninsured & unable to afford the treatment they so desperately need.  It’s a vicious cycle that often never ends.

Despite the prevalence of mental illness, Americans have been slow to understand the gravity of these disorders.  The stigma against mental illness is real.  Far too often those suffering from anxiety or depression are accused of “just not being thankful enough for God’s blessings in their lives,” showing a clear misunderstanding of these disorders.  Or how often have you heard someone casually scoff that a person who is a bit moody or difficult to handle “must be bipolar”?  Indeed the lack of knowledge of mental illness has led a great deal of the population to confuse schizophrenia with multiple personality disorder, the latter of which is actually an extremely rare condition.  I for one grew up thinking schizophrenia was the same as “split personality” when in reality schizophrenia is a completely different, though just as serious, disorder.  Again a lack of understanding of mental illness leads to a great deal of fear surrounding these conditions.  How many times have you read a novel or seen a movie in which a serial killer or some other heinous villain is depicted as being schizophrenic, psychotic, or otherwise mentally ill?  Indeed, after almost every mass shooting or bombing, the accusations of bipolar, schizophrenia, & general mental illness are thrown out by every media outlet.  Once again this feeds into the fear of mental illness.

mental illnes quote

The reality is that research has consistently shown that those suffering from mental illness, particularly severe mental illness such as bipolar & schizophrenia, are actually far more likely to be the VICTIMS of violence, be it abuse, rape, or murder, than to be the perpetrators of such violence.  But this is NOT the picture depicted by the media, whether in response to real-life tragedies or in books & films.  Tragically, even within the healthcare field, there is a great deal of prejudice against mental illness.  Far too often the moment a nurse or doctor sees a mental health diagnosis, an eye-roll ensues & the patient is viewed though a considerably different lens than someone without such a diagnosis.  What I’ve found in my own practice as a nurse is that patients who are actually mentally ill, if treated properly, are in fact no more difficult to care for than anyone else.  While I’ll be the first to admit that I feel ill-prepared to handle patients in acute psychosis, in general I’ve found that mentally ill patients do not deserve the negative stereotypes so unfortunately assigned to them.

My point in writing all of this today is to help people understand that mental illness is extremely common, but it’s not something of which we should be afraid or ashamed.  Though the treatments available are far from perfect, they can & do make a tremendous difference.  If you’re looking for a personal perspective, I am happy to report that I am already feeling significantly better since starting my own anti-anxiety medication just a week ago.  With a combination of cognitive behavioral therapy with my therapist, regular saturation in music & other such relaxing activities, & now Prozac, I can honestly say my anxiety is becoming more & more controlled.  While I have no idea what it’s like to suffer from a severe mental illness, I do know that having my anxiety better-controlled is greatly contributing to my quality of life.  But I couldn’t say that if I hadn’t sought treatment last year (first through therapy & now additionally with medication).

Furthermore my hope is that after reading this you will become more aware of your own prejudices against mental illness.  We’re all guilty of them at times.  Having a dear friend who is bipolar has radically changed how I view mental illness, as have my own struggles with anxiety.  What I’ve learned is that mental illness is just one aspect of a person; it doesn’t define them.  No one chooses to be mentally ill just as no one would choose to have diabetes or heart disease or cancer.  I’ve also learned that sometimes just being a friend & lending a supportive hand & a listening ear is one of the greatest things you can do for someone suffering from mental illness.

I am not my mental illness

 

As former NJ governor Richard Codey stated, “For too long we have swept the problems of mental illness under the carpet…and hoped that they would go away.”  But the reality is that these problems are not going away & probably never will.  But if our society can decrease the stigma against mental illness & increase our understanding of these conditions, we can offer more hope to those suffering.  Remember, if you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem.  Be an advocate for proper understanding & treatment of mental illness.  Stand up to those around you who propagate negative, harmful stereotypes against the mentally ill.  The grim situation of the mentally ill in this country will never change until our attitudes about mental illness change.

Most importantly, if you’re reading this & you feel like you might be suffering from a mental illness of any sort, I hope you’ll have the courage to get help.  The world can be a cruel place for the mentally ill, but nothing is worse than suffering in silence when help really is available.  To those who are lucky enough to not suffer from mental illness, open your eyes & your mind to those hurting around you.  Don’t diminish their disease by telling them it’s not real or they’re just looking for pity.  Encourage them to seek proper treatment & be that listening ear when they need it.  You never know when you might save a life by doing something so simple.

mental illness not contagious

 

Statistics & other information found at:

http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/suicide.htm

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/Statistics/index.shtml

http://www.nationalhomeless.org/factsheets/Mental_Illness.pdf

The February Depression


Is it just me or does anyone else think February is the most depressing time of the year?  I’ve felt this way for many years & I think there are several logical reasons for it.  By the time February rolls around winter weather has been solidly in place for a good 3-4 months, depending on the climate where you live.  Even the hardiest of us get tired of the wind & cold after a while.  I don’t know about y’all but the red dry skin on my face that is now actually quite painful is begging for a dose of spring warmth & sunshine ANY TIME NOW.  (And I consider the winter here to be quite mild compared to what I got used to while living in the mountains during college.)  Additionally winter is usually a time in which most people do not take vacations or do anything all that exciting & adventurous, unless of course you’re into winter sports like skiing & snowboarding, which I most definitely am not.  Furthermore, by the time February comes around, the excitement of Christmas & New Year’s has long since passed while the advent of spring still seems much too far away.  All in all, it’s a pretty bleak month.  And I don’t know about those of you reading this, but I am the type who feels GUILTY for being saddened by all of this, even though I realize it’s perfectly normal to feel a little “down about life” at this time of year.  Argh.

Another theme that’s been crossing my mind a lot lately is the feeling that everyone else’s life is more exciting than mine.  Is it just me or does anyone else feel this way?  I’m quite sure I’m not alone on this one.  As much as I hate myself for doing this, I often find myself comparing my lifestyle to my friends & acquaintances, particularly those who are about the same age as me.  The trouble I run into is that on the one hand the average person my age in my hometown has kids (whether married or not) & thus leads a very different lifestyle than I do.  A fair amount of folks my age back home are married but plenty aren’t also.  Some own houses, some don’t.  On the other hand the average person my age here in a more urban environment (granted almost anything is more urban than my hometown) lives in an apartment, either with a significant other or with friends or maybe even alone; goes to bars frequently; travels as much as they can afford; & generally still leads what I think of as a more “college lifestyle.”

There is absolutely nothing wrong with either lifestyle & I am not trying to pass judgment on anyone here.  I’m just saying that as a 25 year-old nurse, wife, homeowner, & NON-parent I sometimes feel like I am a bit out of place in life, kind of caught between two worlds so to speak.  Don’t get me wrong, I am not complaining about my station in life.  I love being married to my husband, owning a home, having a dog, & working as a nurse.  And I love the freedom of not having kids yet.  I don’t want to go to bars every week, but I can still do that on the rare occasions I actually want to.  My husband & I can go out to eat alone or with friends as often as we please with no worries about finding a baby-sitter or spending our child’s future college fund.  It’s easy for me to look back on college with great fondness because I do have a ton of wonderful memories from that time, but in the golden light of nostalgia it’s easy to forget the stress that came along with that time in my life (mountains of homework, the constant stream of tests & clinicals, lack of money, etc).  The freedom I have now is truly without comparison to any other point in my life.  And it’s amazing.

And yet I still find myself feeling like my life is boring.  It’s not that I necessarily think it’s boring; it’s just that in comparison to my peers, I feel like my life must be awfully dull.  My husband travels for his job several times a year, often to exotic locations like Hawaii, & many of my friends my age take fairly frequent trips & vacations just for fun.  I on the other hand have to FORCE myself to actually take a vacation & travel somewhere.  It’s not that I don’t enjoy traveling.  I do.  It’s just that the idea of buying a plane ticket & planning out an entire trip stresses me the hell out.  I know; that is so pathetic.  You see why I say I feel boring?  But I can’t help it.  It’s just the way I am.   As much as I love trips to the mountains to hike or days at the beach, at my core my favorite place to be is at home with my husband & puppy.  Magazines & therapists everywhere say that one of the best ways to reignite the romance in your marriage or relationship is to go out of town with your partner.  Not so for me.  A weekend at home with my husband is the most romantic thing I can think of.  I know.  Am I 80 years old or what?  But I think the reasoning behind that is that to me romance springs out of comfort & home is where I’m most comfortable . . . So there you go.  (I suppose the advantage to this is that I can have romantic weekends at home almost every weekend of the year which is definitely fun.)

I realize the real solution here is to stop comparing my life to my peers.  Yet I also know it’s human nature to do so & trying to stop it is probably futile.  I guess what I need to realize is that I am happy with my life & that’s all that matters.  If my life doesn’t square with what the average person my age is doing here or in my hometown or anywhere, who cares?  It’s MY life after all.  And the same is true for anyone reading this.  I also know that as soon as spring rolls around, a lot of the lingering depression that seems to slowly sink in along with the winter will quickly alleviate.  I find this happens every spring.  As soon as it starts getting a little warmer, the days get a little longer, & the flowers start blooming I almost instantly feel a significant lift in my spirits.  And every year I think “Wow, I didn’t realize how bad I’d been feeling,” probably because the “February depression” is such a gradual thing that I hardly realize it’s happened until it’s gone.  For some reason this year I seem a bit more aware of it; perhaps this is a sign that my mental health has actually improved because I’m more in tune with myself, so to speak.

In any case, here’s to spring & planning some mini-vacations & weekend getaways, if not full-out vacations.  After all, one of the most rewarding things we can do in life is to step outside our comfort zones & do the things that scare us.

And here’s to continuing to remind myself that life isn’t a competition; it’s a journey.  And just because my journey looks a little different than someone else’s doesn’t mean either of us is wrong.

A Window Into My Brain


Because all blogs posts are better with pictures, I've included this photo taken on the Neuse River Trail in Raleigh on July 4th this year.

Because all blogs posts are better with pictures, I’ve included this photo taken on the Neuse River Trail in Raleigh on July 4th this year.

For as long as I can remember I have always been “Miss Responsible.”  I have always been the girl who did her homework early, finished her papers well before the deadline, created study guides for tests & shared them with classmates, & packed too much for every out-of-town trip because I always imagine everything I could possibly need.  As a nurse I always have my patients’ lab values & test results written down at the beginning of every shift & I always make sure to update my data & give the latest lab results in report to the next nurse.  I obsess over I&O’s so much that I often have to remind myself that I’m not a patient so I don’t need to measure my own I&O (yes, you can laugh WITH me for that).  I like to think that this makes me detail-oriented but also capable of seeing “the big picture.”  Unfortunately underneath all of this responsible behavior lies a great deal of anxiety.

The first time I saw a psychologist was about a year and a half ago when we were still living in SW Virginia.  I was concerned that I might be OCD because of how detail-oriented I am & the anxiety that this sometimes causes me.  The psychologist quickly assured me that my life is far too organized & controlled for me to actually have OCD (anyone else think that’s an ironic truth?), but that I do have “OCD personality characteristics” which he insisted actually make me a great nurse (I’d like to believe that!).  I continued seeing him maybe once a month until we moved to NC just so I could have a place to vent to someone who wouldn’t go home & worry about me or be offended by anything I said since he had no emotional connection to me.

The first few months in the Raleigh-Durham area were difficult.  Growing up in a place that had four stop-lights in the whole COUNTY makes moving to an urban environment like this an exciting but sometimes daunting challenge.  I hoped it would be easy to meet people & make new friends, but it was nothing like college where I could just walk down the hall or go to class & meet all kinds of interesting people.  (My first year out of college I still had friends in the area who were either still in college or who had graduated but, like me, still lived in the area.)  Sometime around my birthday last year I was feeling quite depressed & lonely especially as the holidays approached & I knew that, being a nurse, I would not get to spend much time with my family due to work obligations.  I decided to once again try a psychologist who turned out to be a very nice older man.  I told him how much I love music & missed playing my flute with a group, so he, a musician himself, told me about a music store downtown where he was certain I could get information about a local flute group.  I took his advice, got lost in downtown trying to find the store, eventually found it, got the information about the flute ensemble, & joined the group in January when their new “semester” began.  I didn’t end up making any great friends in the group but just the experience of making music in a group again brought me great joy.

By the time January-February came around I had started making more friends at work & generally feeling a lot happier with life, so I never went back to see that psychologist until one fateful day this summer when I was talking to one of my best friends online.  She was telling me about her struggles with bipolar disorder & I suddenly realized that my own struggles with anxiety were far from controlled, especially in light of the fact that I have started thinking a lot more about having children someday.  I felt such a relief in knowing that I wasn’t the only “crazy” one out there & also in knowing that if she had the strength to seek treatment I could too.  With her encouragement, I immediately called the psychologist I had seen in December & booked an appointment for that very day.  As it turned out, the psychologist told me I should see a psychiatrist in case I needed actual medical treatment for a possible anxiety disorder.  I was both devastated & relieved.  It took quite a few phone calls to find a psychiatrist who would accept my insurance & once I found one I had to schedule my appointment for a month in the future.  In the ensuing month I considered canceling the appointment so many times.  On good days I would tell myself, as I have so many times in my life, “I’m fine.  I’ve got this.  My life is so ‘perfect’ in so many ways.  I’m 24 years old, married to a wonderful man with whom I own a beautiful house in a gorgeous neighborhood, I have great health, & I’m about to train for charge nurse at my job.  How could I possibly need to see a psychiatrist?”  But on bad days, I couldn’t wait for the appointment just so I could hear what the psychiatrist had to say.

Well, finally the day of the dreaded/highly anticipated appointment arrived & much to my relief the psychiatrist was extremely friendly & put me immediately at ease.  She assured me that I do not have any true mental illness & definitely do not need any medication.  However, she suggested I start seeing one of the counselors in her office to work on some of my anxiety & self-esteem issues which, though they may not be “significant” enough to warrant the title of a true disorder, are still serious enough to bother me.  She applauded me for being so self-aware & for caring so much about my future children that I want to be the best, most stable version of myself before I seriously consider becoming a parent in the next couple of years.

As it turned out one of the counselors had had a last-minute cancellation right at the time my visit with the psychiatrist ended so I was able to start with a counselor that very day.  The counselor was very gentle, caring, & quickly made me feel comfortable in her beautifully decorated office.  I left the office that day feeling “lighter” than I had felt in God knows how long.  I had my second appointment with her last week & I already can’t wait to go back.  I honestly think everyone can benefit from counseling with a good therapist at least a few times a year.  As a friend of mine used to say, we ALL have issues from our childhood, our families, our friends, & just LIFE in general & we all can all benefit from having a caring but objective person to vent to who, as I mentioned before, isn’t going to go home & worry about you or be offended by anything you say (because they have probably heard MUCH worse) & doesn’t have any real emotional connection to you anyway.

It may sound strange to say I am excited about being in counseling, but I really am.  I’ve known for most of my life, even as a kid, that I am a very sensitive, perceptive person.  As my middle school English teacher, wise woman that she is, told me, I am both highly intelligent & highly sensitive which makes me feel things, both good & bad, more strongly than perhaps the average person does.  I hope that doesn’t sound arrogant but I don’t know how else to put it.

As much as I would sometimes like to trade in my brain for one that just doesn’t THINK so darn much about EVERYTHING, I know at the end of the day this brain is what makes me who I am.  I do think it makes me a good nurse; as I have told both psychologists, the psychiatrist, & my current counselor, I often think I am my best self at work because I have something important & meaningful on which to focus all my nervous energy & obsessive tendencies.  And I’d also like to think this brain makes me an empathetic human being who makes a consistent effort to recycle everything possible, donate to charities, & buy water bottles for homeless people who are stuck outside in the heat.

In the near future I hope to post more about my struggles with what one might call “sub-clinical anxiety.”  This isn’t a comfortable topic to discuss & I’ll admit that I feel like I have taken the easy way out by writing about this as a blog post instead of just telling my family, friends, & coworkers in person about my issues.  But as my counselor told me this past week, we all have to start somewhere.  In the meantime, I hope this post will encourage even one person to seek counseling or treatment for their own issues with anxiety or depression.  And for those of you who are lucky enough not to struggle with such issues (though I daresay we all will at some point in our lives), I hope this post will encourage you to be more considerate & compassionate of those who do.

Also, please check out my friend’s brilliant blog (who inspired my own) at http://doesthatmakemecrazyblog.com/