Caleb Shomo

Dear Caleb/LGBTQ+ Community


I don’t think I’ve ever done a Pride Month blog post, but this year I feel compelled to write one. Come to think of it, this will be my first blog post about anything since January when I did my annual best of the year albums/songs posts. (Or did I do those in December?) It’s just been a crazy year in so many ways that my mind hasn’t settled long enough to focus on writing, even when I probably needed to do it. But this subject has been weighing heavily on my mind for a solid month now, & it’s come to feel like something I need to speak on, for my own peace of mind if nothing else. However, I am also hoping it will touch someone somewhere who needs these words even more than I do. I highly doubt Caleb Shomo, the man who inspired this post, whose name is in the title, will ever see this, but that isn’t the point. I know there are other folks out there who are struggling with their sexuality, who have read about Caleb’s situation, & are surely hurting from the reactions of so much of the world.

Ok, let me back up. Sometimes I forget not everyone loves rock/metal the way I do. Many of you may not be familiar with Caleb at all. Who is Caleb Shomo, you may be asking? Well, he’s the lead singer of Beartooth, one of my favorite bands. His initial fame came from his role with Attack Attack, a band he started touring with across the US when he was just 15 years old. After starting his career as a touring musician at such a young age, he decided that was the life for him & never looked back. At 33 years old, he’s now been a touring musician for literally over half his life, including his entire adult life.

Anyway, the reason he’s relevant to this post/subject is that about a month ago (May 23 to be exact), he publicly came out as gay. This is significant for many reasons. First, despite its penchant for being non-conformist, the rock/metal community can be shockingly (& disappointingly) homophobic. Second, Caleb has been married- to a woman– for almost 14 years. And he has spoken highly of his wife, even writing songs that were inspired by her & dedicating them to her on a nightly basis at his shows (namely this one: Look the Other Way- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PiEKANbfEYQ&list=RDPiEKANbfEYQ&start_radio=1) . On social media they have consistently posted together & hyped each other up in ways that felt very legitimate to me- & I’m someone who’s very suspicious of many couples who are chronically online! Third, he comes from a very religious family. Both his father & grandfather were pastors. This last point is where his story resonates so strongly with me. When watching a recent podcast with Caleb (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oGDvzp354_E), I found myself nodding along over & over when Caleb described his religious upbringing & explaining how that caused him to deny his own sexuality for decades– literal decades. Now I myself am not gay. If sexuality is a spectrum- & it absolutely is- & completely gay is 0 & completely heterosexual is 10, I’d say I’m about a 7.5. That is to say I’m not bi- or pan-sexual but I can appreciate/understand &, to a certain extent, actually feel an attraction for any gender. Obviously this is simplifying things a bit but it’s the best way I feel like I can describe my own feelings here. All that to say, while I’m not gay myself, I can very much imagine that if I were, I would probably have denied it & suppressed it exactly like Caleb did.

Let me back up again. As you might expect because of his marriage, Caleb’s coming out was quite shocking. Now it was less shocking than it would have been even a year ago, thanks to his recent changes in appearance. Since releasing the music video for Free (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7VzCc7EWDeU&list=RD7VzCc7EWDeU&start_radio=1) in February, fans/listeners have been speculating wildly about Caleb’s sexuality thanks to said appearance changes. He’s been wearing crop tops for years but the makeup, painted nails, & overall demeaner are definitely different in this video. I for one assumed he was just embracing a new look for fun, though part of me did wonder if it was more than that. But I kept those thoughts to myself because I figured it’s none of my business anyway. People also pointed out how he deleted (or archived) all of his previous Instagram posts, including of course many with his wife, but that’s something Caleb has periodically done for years around the time of releasing new music. Anyway, flash forward to mid May & the video for Pure Ecstasy (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XvD_C66HX6Y&list=RDXvD_C66HX6Y&start_radio=1) comes out, & once again people are speculating. Just over a week later is when Caleb comes out via an Instagram post.

Was I shocked at first? In all honesty, initially, yes, I was. But then I started looking back through his music catalog & suddenly it made so much sense. Songs like Skin with lines like “I’ve been sleeping on the floor of my closet again… I’ve been burying it down in my system again… I’m so uncomfortable with the skin I’m in” took on a whole new meaning. I’ll confess, there have been times over the years when Caleb spoke & sang about his depression that even I, as someone who has experienced my own anxiety issues, couldn’t help but wonder why Caleb was frequently so miserable when he was seemingly in such a wonderful marriage to his best friend, in a successful band, has spoken of a great relationship with his brother & parents, etc. I know depression is more complicated than that, but it just felt like there was a missing piece somehow. Well, now we know. And my gosh, can I now empathize with why he’s been so depressed all these years! Can you imagine suppressing your sexuality for literal decades? I mean, this guy, like me, grew up being taught/believing that homosexuality was a sin, a deadly sin even. In order to suppress “inappropriate” thoughts, he would try to pray them away. Every kid raised in a religious home can relate to that!

As you might expect, the reaction to Caleb coming out has been a real mixed bag. There have been many folks who have praised him & welcomed him with open arms. But there have also been many who have rejected him, called him horrible names, & generally painted him as the worst human ever, many of them trying to disguise their homophobia in so-called concern for his wife. Now this is where its gets tricky. Do I feel bad for his wife? Absolutely. From things both she & Caleb have said now, as well as in the past, I have no doubt that were best friends & still truly care about each other. I 100% do not think either of them intended to hurt the other. But they did get married when Caleb was very young- just 19 from what I’ve gathered. As someone with a similar religious background, I can totally understand why he got married so young, especially since on some level he probably believed it would conveniently get rid of all of those irritating “inappropriate” urges (he said as much during the podcast I referenced earlier). It’s recently come to light that his wife was approximately 27 when they got married, which has definitely given me pause. I’ll admit if the genders/ages were swapped I’d certainly be suspicious. And I still am a bit… However, I think the context of HOW they met is important. They met at a concert (in the US) which she was attending because she was friends with one of the other bands. She & Caleb were friends before they began dating. It’s entirely possible she initially assumed he was a good bit older than he was considering his position as a touring musician. Furthermore, with her being British, it’s not shocking that once they did start dating, they got married quickly, seeing as they must have known that would help expedite her obtaining a visa/green card & thus avoid a complicated trans-Atlantic relationship. Furthermore, she has been very open about not wanting to have children, so you can’t fairly say that Caleb has “wasted her childbearing years” as I’ve seen some folks claim.

In summary, is this a heartbreaking situation for her, especially as someone who stood by him during all his years on the road, his struggles with alcohol, etc? Of course. But even she has said that she doesn’t regret their marriage, even now that it’s over. Two things can be true at once. Is it possible that their relationship was never healthy to begin with because of the age difference & because of Caleb’s as yet unacknowledged homosexuality? Of course. But it’s also entirely possible that they did (& probably still do) love each other. This also has to be a sad time for Caleb too. While he’s finally free, as he sings in the song, & I’m sure that leads to moments of pure ecstasy, again as he sings in the song, there is no doubt that this has been incredibly challenging for him too. After all, there’s just no way he didn’t love & care for his wife all these years. He’d have left her years ago if he didn’t. And because of that love, I can only imagine that he felt he had every reason to deny his true sexual feelings, out of fear of hurting her. But at the same time, that only rolled him further down the hill of self-hatred & depression. What a byzantine mess! My heart bleeds for both of them simultaneously.

Now some folks have been rattled by the fact that Caleb did not acknowledge his wife in his coming out post. I’ll admit this struck me as odd at first too. However, I truly believe he did this out of concern for her. This whole situation has thrown her into the limelight in a way she never asked for, so I imagine he was trying to shield her as much as he could, knowing some of the caustic responses he would surely receive (& has received).

Side note: No, I’m not a fan of the excessive smoking Caleb has embraced of late. Especially as a nurse, I’m all too aware of how unhealthy that is. However, just yesterday he posted about how it’s been a coping mechanism for him during these tumultuous months, how it’s kept him away from more harmful things (like alcohol- he’s been sober for several years now), & how he now plans to go back to it being only an occasional habit rather than a daily one. I suspected this was what was going on, but I admit I was relieved to see him say that.

I’ve said all that to say this: this entire situation could have been avoided if Caleb had never felt the need to be ashamed of his sexuality, if he had not been taught that his sexuality was a sin. Now, that is not to say that I believe either he or his wife regret their time together. Based on both of their statements, I don’t think they do. But at the same time, I don’t think they’d wish this on anyone either. And that’s why Pride Month is so important. Because kids don’t deserve to grow up feeling sinful because of who they love. Because adults shouldn’t feel compelled to marry someone in order to suppress something they feel is somehow wrong. And I’ll be damned if I keep my mouth shut for fear of religious friends or family being rattled by my saying this. If even one person reads this & feels more comfortable in their own skin, I’ll take whatever scorn comes my way.

By the way, seeing gay people does not make kids “turn gay.” By that logic seeing straight people would make gay people “turn straight.” And that obviously doesn’t happen because it just doesn’t work that way, as this entire situation proves. 

So to Caleb & all the other LGBTQ+ folks out there, happy Pride Month! I am proud of you for existing & fighting the good fight in a world that can be so very cruel. The world is a better place with you in it. Don’t you doubt that for a single second.

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Stop Glorifying Mental Illness


Yes, I intentionally chose a potentially controversial title for this week’s post. This subject is something that’s been on my mind a lot lately, & there is probably no way to discuss it that won’t be controversial, so I figured why not just dive in whole-heartedly rather than tip toeing around the issue? So, with that out of the way, yes, I’m going to discuss the elephant in the room: the glorification of mental illness.

Now this post would be incomplete- & in fact quite tone deaf- if I didn’t acknowledge that we’ve come a long way when it comes to the subject of mental illness. We’re certainly handling it better than we were a couple hundred years ago when people were burned at the stake or cast out of society for even the smallest of social infractions – which may or may not have been related to mental illness. And even in the past decade we’ve made a lot of progress with the comfort level our society has in discussing mental illness. All of this is without a doubt a good thing.

The cold hard truth is that MOST people will experience some form of mental illness in their lifetime. It may not be debilitating, it may not last very long, it may not even require medical treatment. But due to break-ups, death, & other normal but extremely challenging life events, most people will experience an episode of depression or anxiety at some point in their life. Schizophrenia, bipolar, & other more long-term (& less situational) mental illnesses occur with far less frequency but are by no means uncommon. And it’s 100% a good thing for people to feel more comfortable discussing the subject of mental health. No one should be made to feel guilty, embarrassed, or “othered” for struggling with any kind of mental illness.

(Side note- with the lack of exercise, social isolation, & poor diet that so many Americans experience, it’s really no wonder our mental health is in the toilet.)

HOWEVER- I know, I know, you felt a but coming & here it is- what worries me is that instead of ACTUALLY encouraging people to seek help & work on their mental health, we seem to have gotten stuck in a cycle of glorifying mental illness. Or we act like the only help can be obtained from doctors & therapists. As I’ve discussed many times on this blog over the years, I am a big supporter of therapy & experience significant relief from my own struggles with anxiety & depression with the combination of therapy & Prozac. But that still isn’t the full picture. The truth is that therapy & Prozac are only two of the tools in my toolkit against depression & anxiety. There are a lot of others in there- like exercise (which largely consists of walks around the neighborhood), eating a relatively healthy diet, outdoor time, music, reading, writing, connecting with friends & family, etc. And for some people, these other things may be all that is needed.

The truth- at least what I’ve found to be true in my life– is that the best thing you can do for your mental health is learn to understand your own brain. This is something that therapy can teach you, of course, but I fully understand that not everyone can afford therapy or can find a therapist they really connect with. As much as I love mine, I only see her a few times a year because it’s expensive & frankly I’ve learned a lot of techniques I can use on my own anyway. The point is we need to learn to understand two basic things about ourselves: HOW do we think? And WHY do we think the way we do? For example: does your mind immediately catastrophize every situation? And if so, why? What kind of trauma in your past taught your brain that this was the logical way to think? It’s only when we are able to observe our own thought patterns & discover the reasons behind them (we may never know ALL the reasons of course), that we can begin to have power over our own mind. Once you’re able to answer these two questions, you will find that you don’t have to be a slave to your own mind. You CAN have power over it. Two great resources for this process that I highly recommend are Dr. Nicole LePera & her the.holistic.psychologist account on Instagram & the book What Happened to You? by Dr. Bruce Perry & Oprah.

The other difficult truth that we often don’t like to confront is that sometimes beating mental illness means doing things that are hard or make us uncomfortable. Just about every single person whose story I’ve read or listened to about overcoming depression/anxiety mentions exercise & spending time outdoors as major tools to fighting their demons. Do you think these people always WANT to exercise or get outside? Of course not! Our bodies, which include our minds, love to be lazy. It’s easy to be lazy! And while I absolutely believe we all need rest/recovery days, it worries me that I see so many posts & memes these days encouraging people who are depressed or anxious NOT to get out & exercise & do the hard things that will ultimately make them feel better. It’s almost like it’s become “cool” to be depressed. TRUST ME, I am guilty of this at times. I HAVE SHARED THOSE POSTS. I know that at times I have been part of the problem. While there is absolutely value in knowing that we’re not along in our struggles, I also believe that sometimes we need someone to give us a swift kick in the ass & help us get out of our funk. Sometimes we need to give ourselves that kick! At the end of the day, no one else can do the work for you. You have to be your own savior. Yes, that is daunting but it is also incredibly empowering.

If you want to listen to an excellent discussion on this subject, look no further than this fantastic podcast with my favorite YouTuber Finn McKinty & Caleb Shomo, frontman & musical mastermind of the band Beartooth (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IQgfBBmqsz0). In last week’s post, I discussed Beartooth’s latest album & how it’s all about Caleb finally winning his lifelong battle with depression. That doesn’t mean that depression is 100% in his past & that he’ll never struggle with it again- of course not. For many of us, it’s a DAILY battle. But he has finally found ways to make it less of a battle. If he can do it, I think any of us can. (And yes, exercise has been a HUGE part of his success over the past year or two.) As Finn & Caleb discuss, sometimes it’s easier to stay in a dark place because even if it’s miserable, it’s comfortable- it’s the devil we know. But that’s no way to live. Anyway, Finn & Caleb do an excellent job of discussing the issues with glorifying mental illness in this podcast & I strongly encourage you to give it a listen. They’re probably way more profound that I have been.

Perhaps these lyrics from Riptide (one of my favorites on the album- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zv3t0Fvgvik) sum it up best:

I’m done explaining my pain, this is way too much
I wanna feel euphoria, give me the rush
‘Cause it’s the last time that I romanticize
The riptide that’s trying to drown me
Full of excuses for way too long
Don’t wanna sing another hopeless song
‘Cause it’s the last time that I romanticize
The riptide, it’s a riptide

Don’t wanna die, I guess I gotta let it go
Don’t wanna die, I guess I gotta let it go

Again, this post is in no way intended to make anyone feel guilty or stupid for struggling with any mental illness. None of us gets to choose the brain we’re born with & the thought patterns we are prone to. But the vast majority of us CAN have far more control over our own brains than we tend to think. We just have to learn to understand ourselves. Once we do that, anything & everything else will be possible. It may still be a daily battle- & we may not win it every single day- but it CAN get better.

Side note- one of the best side effects of learning to understand ourselves is that it naturally helps us to better understand others- which leads to us being more compassionate & understanding & thus better able to serve others. But that’s a post for another day.

P.S. Just because you find ways to better manage your anxiety or depression, does NOT mean you have to become one of those annoying toxic positivity people. Absolutely not. Toxic positivity is actually mentally just as unhealthy as anxiety or depression because it doesn’t allow you to experience the full range of emotions that we are SUPPOSED to experience. But again that’s a post for another day.

Now- do I really want to go exercise right now? Absolutely not. But am I going to do it anyway? You better believe it!

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I’m Weird & I Love It


“I’m weird & I love it.” Now sing that to the tune of LMFAO’s Sexy & I Know It which was all the rage back in 2011. It works, right? Right. Ok, onto more serious stuff…

If you know me, you know I love rock music. Well, a week ago today a band called Beartooth released their latest album The Surface. One of the more recent singles off the album is entitled Might Love Myself (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=83rcK9Xne5A) & it perfectly encapsulates the positive self-love anthem of the record. If you know anything about Beartooth, you know this is a MASSIVE change for them. Frontman & primary songwriter Caleb Shomo has been very open about the severe depression he has struggled with from his teens on through his entire adulthood. In fact it has been the primary theme of most of the band’s music. But over the past two years he has finally found his way out of the darkness of self-loathing & learned to love himself. I for one have thoroughly enjoyed watching Caleb’s transformation into a happier, healthier human being- it’s so inspiring! The music on this album is every bit as heavy as before, but there is now a clarity & soul in Caleb’s voice that shines through in an undeniable way- & that alone is enough to make this their best album to date.

Anyway, the reason this is relevant is that today’s post is all about embracing the fact that I am in fact a bit weird- but I LOVE that about myself! Now, I have never struggled with the kind of self-loathing that Caleb has (or that my husband has), but I have definitely struggled with various forms of anxiety, depression, & OCD tendencies for most of my life. I wasn’t always AWARE of it, especially in my younger years, but the older I’ve gotten, the more I’ve realized that my brain really is a bit different than most. For better or worse, I am definitely prone to a melancholy personality- which is not to say that I’m sad all the time. Not at all. It’s more that I’m overly serious & struggle to truly relax (my husband is the same way). Moreover, it’s been a major theme of my life that I frequently find myself feeling like a bit of a loner. Again, not necessarily that I don’t have friends or everyone hates me, just that I often feel like I’m the only person in any given group who doesn’t feel like or agree with everyone else. To put it simply, it’s been a common refrain in my life for people to tell me I’m a little weird or different or not like they expected me to be (for whatever reason).

Now as a child/teen, as you can imagine, hearing this kind of feedback (whether directly or indirectly), wasn’t always encouraging. Sometimes it felt like a punch in the face. After all, there is nothing kids/teens want more than to “fit in,” to be accepted, to NOT stand out too much (at least not in a negative way). But I learned at a very young age that I was never going to be able to be “cool,” that no matter how hard I tried I would always be too nerdy or too smart or too quiet or I wore the wrong clothes or whatever. I would always be just a bit outside of the “cool” realm. Naturally I ended up finding acceptance with the other nerdy types which was more than good enough for me. Now, as an adult, I’ve come to really enjoy when people tell me I’m weird or that my tastes are nerdy or that I’m just not what they expected. Because nowadays such things are usually said in a more positive manner. They’re usually said with an undertone of “Wow, you’re interesting!” rather than “What’s wrong with you?” Even if this kind of feedback occasionally is a bit more negative, as an adult, I just don’t care. While I still sometimes find myself wishing there were more people in the world like me, just so I’d feel less “different” at times, in the end I realize that it’s my uniqueness that makes me who I am. And I LIKE who I am.

As stated previously, I’ve never struggled with true self-loathing, but nowadays I am a lot more positive about myself than I was years ago. And the best side effect of that is that I am SLOWLY learning to be less of a people-pleaser. I have learned that some people cannot BE pleased anyway (because they will always find something to complain about). Moreover, being a confident person who stands up for her beliefs is enough to turn some people off – because they like living in their echo chambers & don’t like anyone contradicting them or encouraging them to think outside their own little boxes. The point is I am finally learning to be ok with sometimes being disliked. I don’t think I will ever completely rid myself of the desire to be liked but I have learned that what my mom said years ago is true: It’s better to be respected than to be liked. Respect is worth a lot more, in the end.

Having said all that, I thought it would be fun to create a list of things that make me weird, unusual, or whatever adjective you want to use to indicate being a bit outside of the norm.

  • Thanks to my OCD tendencies, I never let me email inbox get cluttered. Furthermore, I never leave text messages unread for more than a few hours, & I almost always respond in a timely manner. It feels like I’m leaving something undone if I don’t, & I hate that feeling.
  • I keep any cash I have in order in my wallet- in other words, larger bills at the bottom, smaller bills on top, all facing the same direction. If they’re not like that, it creates a level of anxiety that is disproportionate to the “crime.”
  • I still sleep with stuffed animals. No, my husband doesn’t mind. He wouldn’t be my husband if he minded. Furthermore, I still collect stuffed animals. I even bought a small stuffed Covid virus back during the pandemic. And somewhere or other I still have a stuffed herpes virus & a stuffed neuron (brain cell) I got in college. Not kidding. As someone told me just yesterday “That is some real nerd stuff.”
  • My husband & I don’t wear our wedding rings. We’ve been married for 12 years & he has never worn his regularly, & I haven’t worn mine regularly past maybe the first year. I couldn’t tell you the last time I wore them. It’s been years for sure. This is one that REALLY bothers some people, which I find strange because if it doesn’t bother us (& obviously it doesn’t), why should anyone else care?
  • Again, my husband & I have been married for 12 years but we have never had a joint bank account or credit card. We split the bills, with him paying a bit more than I do since he makes more money than I do, & we pay for our own “miscellaneous” expenses which works out great because neither of us can whine about the other spending money on something we don’t value. Someone once told me this was “un-biblical.” While I know the person meant well, I wish I’d had the presence of mind to respond that banks didn’t really EXIST in biblical times, which made the comment quite irrelevant. (Insert eye roll here.)
  • Despite my predilection for rock/metal, I don’t have any tattoos. I have no problem with tattoos- I quite like them as a general concept- but I have never had any particular desire to have any myself. Neither do I have any piercings aside from basic earrings. Nor do I wear black all the time. In fact, aside from band T shirts that are of course disproportionately black, I rarely wear black at all, unless you count black yoga/athletic pants.
  • I didn’t love the baby stage, especially the newborn stage. I struggled with PPD which of course colored things a lot for me, but even so, I’ve just never been someone who really loves babies. I do not miss my child being younger. I never get sad when I think about her needing me less as she grows up. Quite the opposite- I’m usually cheering. “You want to take a shower by yourself now instead of me helping you with a bath? Fantastic!” Of course I have good memories & fleeting moments of nostalgia, but trust me when I say they’re fleeting.
  • On a similar token, I don’t dread the teenage years. I LIKE older kids & teenagers. You can have so much more interesting conversations with them. They really have their own personalities & likes/dislikes by then. They are – in my opinion anyway- so much more rational. Yes, I know, I am crazy. You won’t find my volunteering much at my daughter’s school nowadays but in a few years, I’ll probably be happy to do anything I can.
  • Aside from a little football here & there, I genuinely don’t watch TV anymore (& never have much), not even Netflix. I just prefer to read. I’ve always got so many books that I want to read that I just can’t find time for television. And I truly don’t feel like I’m missing anything of value to me. Does this mean I’m left out of conversations at work sometimes or that I am oblivious to certain TV/movie references people make in general conversation? Yes. But does it bother me these days? Absolutely not.
  • I actually like cold weather. It’s the heat that I find suffocating, depressing, & soul sucking. But when I feel a chill in the air, my spirit soars.
  • I actually ENJOY going places alone- whether it’s a restaurant, a movie (not that I’ve been to a movie theater in almost a decade, but I did used to enjoy going to matinees alone on occasion), or a concert. Being alone in a crowd doesn’t bother me. I love to people watch. I love my own company. If that makes me weird- well, as far as I can tell, I got the trump card.

I could go on & on, but if you’ve read this far I think you get the point. Some days are still a struggle, some days I still feel like maybe I wasn’t made quite “right,” like there’s something “wrong” with me. But in general I’m in a better place now than ever. Coming back to Might Love Myself by Beartooth- as the song states “I’m exactly who I want to be.”

My challenge to you is to find whatever makes you weird or different & celebrate it. And if you can’t find anything, that’s ok too. Regardless, the more you love yourself- which sometimes requires actively changing your behavior if you find things that need work- the better your life will be & the more you’ll be able to truly love others, even those who are very different from you.

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