I don’t think I’ve ever done a Pride Month blog post, but this year I feel compelled to write one. Come to think of it, this will be my first blog post about anything since January when I did my annual best of the year albums/songs posts. (Or did I do those in December?) It’s just been a crazy year in so many ways that my mind hasn’t settled long enough to focus on writing, even when I probably needed to do it. But this subject has been weighing heavily on my mind for a solid month now, & it’s come to feel like something I need to speak on, for my own peace of mind if nothing else. However, I am also hoping it will touch someone somewhere who needs these words even more than I do. I highly doubt Caleb Shomo, the man who inspired this post, whose name is in the title, will ever see this, but that isn’t the point. I know there are other folks out there who are struggling with their sexuality, who have read about Caleb’s situation, & are surely hurting from the reactions of so much of the world.

Ok, let me back up. Sometimes I forget not everyone loves rock/metal the way I do. Many of you may not be familiar with Caleb at all. Who is Caleb Shomo, you may be asking? Well, he’s the lead singer of Beartooth, one of my favorite bands. His initial fame came from his role with Attack Attack, a band he started touring with across the US when he was just 15 years old. After he started his career as a touring musician at such a young age, he decided that was the life for him & never looked back. At 33 years old, he’s now been a touring musician for literally over half his life, including his entire adult life.

Anyway, the reason he’s relevant to this post/subject is that about a month ago (May 23 to be exact), he publicly came out as gay. This is significant for many reasons. First, despite its penchant for being non-conformist, the rock/metal community can be shockingly (& disappointingly) homophobic. Second, Caleb has been married- to a woman– for almost 14 years. And he has spoken highly of his wife, even writing songs that were inspired by her & dedicating them to her on a nightly basis at his shows (namely this one: Look the Other Way- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PiEKANbfEYQ&list=RDPiEKANbfEYQ&start_radio=1) . On social media they have consistently posted together & hyped each other up in ways that felt very legitimate to me- & I’m someone who’s very suspicious of many couples who are chronically online! Third, he comes from a very religious family. Both his father & grandfather were pastors. This last point is where his story resonates so strongly with me. When watching a recent podcast with Caleb (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oGDvzp354_E), I found myself nodding along over & over when Caleb described his religious upbringing & explaining how that caused him to deny his own sexuality for decades– literal decades. Now I myself am not gay. If sexuality is a spectrum- & it absolutely is- & completely gay is 0 & completely heterosexual is 10, I’d say I’m about a 7.5. That is to say I’m not bi- or pan-sexual but I can appreciate/understand &, to a certain extent, actually feel an attraction for any gender. Obviously this is simplifying things a bit but it’s the best way I feel like I can describe my own feelings here. All that to say, while I’m not gay myself, I can very much imagine that if I were, I would probably have denied it & suppressed it exactly like Caleb did.

Let me back up again. As you might expect because of his marriage, Caleb’s coming out was quite shocking. Now it was less shocking than it would have been even a year ago, thanks to his recent changes in appearance. Since releasing the music video for Free (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7VzCc7EWDeU&list=RD7VzCc7EWDeU&start_radio=1) in February, fans/listeners have been speculating wildly about Caleb’s sexuality thanks to said appearance changes. He’s been wearing crop tops for years but the makeup, painted nails, & overall demeaner are definitely different in this video. I for one assumed he was just embracing a new look for fun, though part of me did wonder if it was more than that. But I kept those thoughts to myself because I figured it’s none of my business anyway. People also pointed out how he deleted (or archived) all of his previous Instagram posts, including of course many with his wife, but that’s something Caleb has periodically done for years around the time of releasing new music. Anyway, flash forward to mid May & the video for Pure Ecstasy (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XvD_C66HX6Y&list=RDXvD_C66HX6Y&start_radio=1) comes out, & once again people are speculating. Just over a week later is when Caleb comes out via an Instagram post.

Was I shocked at first? In all honesty, initially, yes, I was. But then I started looking back through his music catalog & suddenly it made so much sense. Songs like Skin with lines like “I’ve been sleeping on the floor of my closet again… I’ve been burying it down in my system again… I’m so uncomfortable with the skin I’m in” took on a whole new meaning. I’ll confess, there have been times over the years when Caleb spoke & sang about his depression that even I, as someone who has experienced my own anxiety issues, couldn’t help but wonder why Caleb was frequently so miserable when he was seemingly in such a wonderful marriage to his best friend, in a successful band, has spoken of a great relationship with his brother & parents, etc. I know depression is more complicated than that, but it just felt like there was a missing piece somehow. Well, now we know. And my gosh, can I now empathize with why he’s been so depressed all these years! Can you imagine suppressing your sexuality for literal decades? I mean, this guy, like me, grew up being taught/believing that homosexuality was a sin, a deadly sin even. In order to suppress “inappropriate” thoughts, he would try to pray them away. Every kid raised in a religious home can relate to that!

As you might expect, the reaction to Caleb coming out has been a real mixed bag. There have been many folks who have praised him & welcomed him with open arms. But there have also been many who have rejected him, called him horrible names, & generally painted him as the worst human ever, many of them trying to disguise their homophobia in so-called concern for his wife. Now this is where its gets tricky. Do I feel bad for his wife? Absolutely. From things both she & Caleb have said now, as well as in the past, I have no doubt that were best friends & still truly care about each other. I 100% do not think either of them intended to hurt the other. But they did get married when Caleb was very young- just 19 from what I’ve gathered. As someone with a similar religious background, I can totally understand why he got married so young, especially since on some level he probably believed it would conveniently get rid of all of those irritating “inappropriate” urges (he said as much during the podcast I referenced earlier). It’s recently come to light that his wife was approximately 27 when they got married, which has definitely given me pause. I’ll admit if the genders/ages were swapped I’d certainly be suspicious. And I still am… However, I think the context of HOW they met is important. They met at a concert (in the US) which she was attending because she was friends with one of the other bands. They were friends before they began dating. It’s entirely possible she initially assumed he was a good bit older than he was considering his position as a touring musician. Furthermore, with her being British, it’s not shocking that once they did start dating, they got married quickly, seeing as they must have known that would help her obtain a visa/green card more quickly & thus avoid a complicated trans-Atlantic relationship. Furthermore, she has been very open about not wanting to have children, so you can’t fairly say that Caleb has “wasted her childbearing years” as I’ve seen some folks claim.

In summary, is this a heartbreaking situation for her, especially as someone who stood by him during all his years on the road, his struggles with alcohol, etc? Of course. But even she has said that she doesn’t regret their marriage, even now that it’s over. Two things can be true at once. Is it possible that their relationship was never healthy to begin with because of the age difference & because of Caleb’s as yet unacknowledged homosexuality? Of course. But it’s also entirely possible that they did (& probably still do) love each other. This also has to be a sad time for Caleb too. While he’s finally free, as he sings in the song, & I’m sure that leads to moments of pure ecstasy, again as he sings in the song, there is no doubt that this has been incredibly challenging for him too. After all, there’s just no way he didn’t love & care for his wife all these years. He’d have left her years ago if he didn’t. And because of that love, I can only imagine that he felt he had every reason to deny his true sexual feelings, out of fear of hurting her. But at the same time, that only rolled him further down the hill of self-hatred & depression. What a byzantine mess! My heart bleeds for both of them simultaneously.

Now some folks have been rattled by the fact that Caleb did not acknowledge his wife in his coming out post. I’ll admit this struck me as odd at first too. However, I truly believe he did this out of concern for her. This whole situation has thrown her into the limelight in a way she never asked for, so I imagine he was trying to shield her as much as he could, knowing some of the caustic responses he would surely receive (& has received).

Side note: No, I’m not a fan of the excessive smoking Caleb has embraced of late. Especially as a nurse, I’m all too aware of how unhealthy that is. However, just yesterday he posted about how it’s been a coping mechanism for him during these tumultuous months, how it’s kept him away from more harmful things (like alcohol- he’s been sober for several years now), & how he now plans to go back to it being only an occasional habit rather than a daily one. I suspected this was what was going on, but I admit I was relieved to see him say that.

I’ve said all that to say this: this entire situation could have been avoided if Caleb had never felt the need to be ashamed of his sexuality, if he had not been taught that his sexuality was a sin. Now, that is not to say that I believe either he or his wife regret their time together. Based on both of their statements, I don’t think they do. But at the same time, I don’t think they’d wish this on anyone either. And that’s why Pride Month is so important. Because kids don’t deserve to grow up feeling sinful because of who they love. Because adults shouldn’t feel compelled to marry someone in order to suppress something they feel is somehow wrong. And I’ll be damned if I keep my mouth shut for fear of religious friends or family being rattled by my saying this. If even one person reads this & feels more comfortable in their own skin, I’ll take whatever scorn comes my way.

By the way, seeing gay people does not make kids “turn gay.” By that logic seeing straight people would make gay people “turn straight.” And that obviously doesn’t happen because it just doesn’t work that way, as this entire situation proves. 

So to Caleb & all the other LGBTQ+ folks out there, happy Pride Month! The world is a better place with you in it. Don’t you doubt that for a single second.