The Rise of Incivility

In the wake of the horrific shooting at a high school in Parkland, Florida last week, I have once again seen how truly hateful people can be to each other. You would think tragedies like this would make us realize how important it is to be kind to others but instead it seems that we devolve into a chaotic world of (verbally) crucifying everyone who doesn’t agree with us. This comes from both “sides” of the political equation but I for one have found it be worse from the liberal side, ironically from those who frequently preach tolerance. If you disagree with some (not all, obviously) of these folks, they are so quick to tell you to go f*** yourself & to call you all kinds of horrible things (yes, this has happened to me). When you call them out on this infantile behavior, they have the gall to tell you that you deserve it for being such a horrible person!


I am really tired of being told that just because I support gun rights & don’t believe gun control laws are the answer to stopping school shootings that I am some horrible evil person who is obviously an inept mother. I would never make such claims about folks whose opinions are different than mine & I’d really love to receive the same respect back.

For years I thought the “religious right” were insufferable because of their frequent holier than thou attitude. Lo & behold I have found that the “liberal left” are often (not always, of course) equally as guilty of this obnoxious attitude. As it turns out a great deal of adults- both liberal & conservative- seem to truly enjoy having a smug sense of moral superiority over others. Argh.

dont have to agree to be kind

I really do not understand this puerile behavior. I have close friends who are far more liberal than I am, as well as close friends who are far more conservative than I am. But I get along with all of them. Why? Because we are all decent people! We know how to show respect to others & practice self-control. It’s really not that hard. I don’t see why so many adults struggle with this simple concept. I come across people I disagree with all the time but it doesn’t bother me. I am confident enough in my own beliefs that I don’t feel the need to lambaste anyone who disagrees with me. I certainly see no need to be rude or obnoxious to make my point or to try to bully others into changing their minds (it never works anyway). It’s a favorite ploy nowadays to call anyone who disagrees with you racist, sexist, or some other negative -ist. But I see no need to stoop to such tactics (though they are admittedly very effective) because all it does is shut down the chance of any productive discourse.

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I for one think tragedies like last week’s make it obvious that having our schools as gun free zones is just an invitation to violence. It makes all of our precious children & teachers sitting ducks. Sure, I’d love to live in a world where it wasn’t necessary to have armed security (or even just teachers who were trained & thus could act as security if necessary) at our schools- but that just isn’t the world we live in. I know many are calling for bans on AR-15s & other such weapons & part of me is tempted to agree. But the thing is, criminals will always find a way to get these weapons because they are still going to be available, whether legally or illegally, even if we ban them now. We can already see how effective our gun laws are at keeping handguns out of the hands of convicted felons (hint- they aren’t!). If we could go back in time & make these weapons unavailable to anyone outside of law enforcement or the military, perhaps that would solve some of our problems. But we simply can’t do that. Should we make these kinds of weapons harder to obtain? Yes. Should someone with a history like Nikolas Cruz have been able to purchase weapons so easily? No. Should we do a better job of following up on reports of mentally unstable folks with access to weapons (like Nikolas Cruz)? Absolutely.

gun free zones dont work.jpg

But it seems to me a lot of these horrible tragedies could be averted by simply having a good guy with a gun readily available to fight off the bad guy with a gun. Anyone remember the church shooting in Sutherland Springs, Texas where a private armed citizen took out the crazed murdered before police could get to him? Yeah, funny how that case didn’t get nearly as much media attention. Oh wait, it doesn’t fit the mainstream narrative that guns are always evil.

steven willeford

Stephen Willeford, the private citizen who shot the shooter at a church in Sutherland Springs, TX in Nov 2017

Not to mention the people clamoring for more gun laws are often politicians who are protected by their own security who- guess what!- carry guns. Amazing! Now how is it that these folks think they are worthy of armed security but we as lowly private citizens- & our children- are not? Is it more likely that they will be attacked because of their positions? Maybe, but they’re also more likely to survive because they do have armed security.

laws dont stop violence

There are many reasons why we are seeing more school shootings these days. And it isn’t just about gun laws. There’s also the fact that there are so many children being raised without fathers. And the fact that mental healthcare is down right abysmal in this country. This is a very multi-faceted problem & anyone who thinks we can solve it purely through legislation is frankly naive. Just take a look at some of the cities with strictest gun laws in our nation (Baltimore, Chicago, & Washington DC come to mind) & you can see how effective strict gun laws are at stopping violent crime (hint: they aren’t!).

kindness dalai lama

The fact that so many grown adults can’t have a civil conversation about something without devolving into name-calling gives me very little hope that our society is going to experience any meaningful change. I frequently hear folks (both conservative & liberal) say they just aren’t going to share their opinions anymore because they are tired of being attacked for their beliefs. As someone who has always hated confrontation I can totally understand this sentiment. But I refuse to be intimidated into silence. And regardless of how uncivil anyone becomes, I will maintain civility because I am an adult with self respect & I don’t believe we will see any meaningful change in our society until we can at least have difficult conversations without behaving like spoiled brats. So go ahead: you can call me any names you want, you can tell me to go f*** myself as often as you like, but you can’t shut up me up because I for one don’t back down that easily.

*Some excellent thoughts on this issue:

Breaking Stereotypes

Last night I was fooling around on YouTube as I often do, & in the process I discovered what to me is a new band: Motionless in White.  If you’re not familiar with them, they are a metal band based out of Scranton, PA & are fronted by a guy named Chris “Motionless” Cerulli who draws inevitable comparisons to Marilyn Manson.  As I always do when discovering a new band, I starting Googling the band & its lead singer, looking for interviews & such to familiarize myself with the band & to better connect with their music.  I soon discovered that despite the rather gothic appearance of the band, the lead singer is actually “straight edge” & is well-renowned for the fact that he has never smoked, drank, or used drugs & has no interest in such things.  In case you’re thinking this must be one of those Christian or pseudo-Christian metal bands, let me assure you Motionless in White is anything but that.  (On the other hand they are not Satanists either despite what some might naturally assume based on their appearance & the sound of their music).

I bought this album today, & it is EPIC.

I bought this album today, & it is EPIC.

chris motionless

From what I’ve read, Chris Motionless isn’t gay or transgender, despite having long hair & wearing a lot of make-up. How’s that for breaking stereotypes?

What struck me the most about this band is not only their unique sound but the lead singer’s ability to break stereotypes.  This led me to ponder my never-ending fascination with people who break stereotypes, whatever they may be.  As the Nigerian novelist, poet, & professor Chinua Achebe said, “The whole idea of a stereotype is to simplify. Instead of going through the problem of all this great diversity – that it’s this or maybe that – you have just one large statement; it is this.”  Indeed the world is very complicated & it’s not so shocking that society has created stereotypes to try to make sense of such a complex world.  And yet, the result of such stereotyping is that we often miss out on the joy that can be found in embracing the complexity of this world & the people around us.

chinua achebe quote

As some of you may know from reading previous blog posts, I grew up in a very small town in Virginia.  One of the saddest things about small towns is that stereotypes are so ingrained into the fabric of society that one can quite easily feel stifled in such places.  Over the past eight years since I graduated from high school I’ve often pondered the irony of how I graduated with some 140 odd students, the vast majority of us having been together in school since kindergarten or at least 3rd or 4th grade.  The result of this is that we all assumed we knew each other & often assigned each other to stereotypical roles & groups without much of a second thought.  The reality is that most of us knew next to nothing about each other, only what we THOUGHT we knew because we’d “known each other forever.”  I suppose this phenomenon occurs everywhere to a certain extent, but I daresay it’s worse in small towns where stereotypes can often be magnified due to the naturally insular nature of such places.stereotypes

In any case when I went to college I was immediately gratified by how so many people I met broke a lot of the traditional stereotypes I grew up around.  One of my best friends in college was a girl who had been an athlete in high school, yet she loved classical music, opera, & classic literature.  What also gratified me was finding that everyone I met didn’t naturally assume I was a boring nerd who couldn’t possibly be interesting, funny, or attractive.  Instead of being regarded as weird or dull because I’m naturally intelligent, people often seemed to find this intriguing. How gratifying!

As I’ve matured as an adult I continually find myself attracted to those who break stereotypes in one way or another.  Whether it’s a football player like Arian Foster who writes poetry & studies philosophy or a rock star like Chris Motionless who eschews drinking & drugs or some of my elderly patients who have iPads & are very adept with technology, I’m naturally drawn to those who somehow “break the rules” of what they’re “supposed” to be like because of their age, race, gender, or profession.

Many people probably wouldn't guess that Arian Foster writes poetry & studies philosophy . . . but he does.

Many people probably wouldn’t guess that Arian Foster writes poetry & studies philosophy . . . but he does.

At the end of the day, I consider myself fairly average.  When I say that I just mean that I’m not someone you’d look at twice in the grocery store, & yet I like to think I break a few stereotypes myself.  Today I thought it would be empowering to list a few of those & in doing so encourage my readers to think about the stereotypes they break in their own lives.  So here are a few ways in which I break the “rules of society.”

  • I love rock & roll & metal but I have no tattoos & no piercings, aside from standard earrings. I am not opposed to such things, but I just have no personal interest in them for myself.  When I go to rock shows, I’m often one of the only people without tattoos or piercings & who isn’t dressed in all or mostly black.  For some reason or other, I am often immediately assumed to be a “nice girl” & thus people are often shocked to find I like such heavy or “dark” music.  I resent the implication that people who value compassion & kindness can’t enjoy rock music, so I always enjoy the look on people’s faces when they find out some of my favorite bands are FFDP, Godsmack, & Halestorm.
  • On the other hand, when I go to country concerts, I’m always one of the only people not wearing cowboy (or should I say cowgirl?) boots. I’ve never owned a pair & don’t care to.  There’s nothing wrong with them; they’re just not my style.cowboy boots
  • Despite the fact that I grew up in a very rural area, I have only been fishing once & have no real interest in going again. I’ve also never been hunting or “mudding” & don’t particularly care to try either one.
  • Despite living in the South my entire life, I do not like sweet tea or gravy.
  • I’m an introvert who strongly prefers the city to the country.  When you really think about this, it’s actually quite logical because the anonymity of the city is far more suitable to an introvert like me who detests the idea of constantly having to make small talk.  In a small town everywhere you go, you see someone you know & thus feel compelled by some social construct to converse with them.introverts cats
  • I’m strongly considering becoming a mom in the next year or two (or three), but I love heavy metal & have no plans to stop listening to this music just because I have kids.
  • Sex, drugs, & rock & roll is a phrase that exists for a reason. But as much as I love this kind of music, I’m married to my first & only boyfriend, have never experimented with drugs or smoking, & drink alcohol only in moderation.  (Additionally there is a hell of a lot more to rock & roll than just sex & drugs, & if you don’t think so, you’re missing out on a lot in life.)
  • As much as I hate wars & violence, I am a strong supporter of gun ownership.  There are a whole host of logical reasons for this, but this isn’t the time or place to go into all that right now.gun-rights
  • I was a straight-A student in both high school & college, but I never once stayed up all night (or even half the night) studying for a test or final exam.
  • I’m a female who loves science & math, yet I also love literature, music, & history.
  • I’m a humanist & thus I don’t believe in moral absolutes, but despite what some people might think, I DO have moral & ethical standards for how I live my life, & I will teach them to my children someday.
  • I identify myself as a feminist because there are still plenty of places in the world where women do not have even basic human rights, but I do NOT hate men & I don’t think men automatically have an easier time in life.
  • I have no idea what happens after death (to be truly honest, NONE of us does because we haven’t been there), yet I volunteer with hospice & seem to have a special talent for caring for patients & their families at the end of life. Where most see only grief & suffering, I see a chance to make someone’s final days as painless as possible, to give that person a peaceful exit from this world, & to assist the family throughout this entire process.hospice

At the end of the day, I think we all break at least a few stereotypes in our lives, even if we’ve never given it a lot of thought.  Because stereotypes can be so damaging, I think we all could benefit from taking a few moments to think about what kind of stereotypes we break in our own lives as well as to examine the prejudices we might hold towards others due to common stereotypes in our society.

To end this post, I’ll leave you with a few quotes about stereotypes that I find very empowering & perhaps you will too.

Reducing a group to a slur or stereotype reduces us all.”   ~ DaShanne Stokes (author & human rights activist)

If you’re struggling to fit me into a box . . . Then build a bigger box!”   ~ Serina Hartwell (novelist)

P.S. If you want to check out Motionless in White, I’d strongly suggest starting with Reincarnate off of their latest album of the same name: