Social Anxiety Strikes Again

My palms are sweating. My heart is racing. My stomach is in knots. Sounds like I’m getting ready to give a speech in front of a bunch of people, right?

http://www.themiraclejournal.com/2012/06/03/the-reunion-vs-social-anxiety/

Actually, no, I’m just going to a Christmas party held by one of my coworkers. Parties are supposed to be fun, right? Wrong. When you’re a natural introvert who suffers from a touch of social anxiety like I do, the idea of going to any social gathering with more than say eight people is terrifying. Most people who know me would probably never guess that I feel this way because I like to think I’m good at hiding it. Yes, I’m an introvert, but I’m not shy; like most things in life, introversion and extroversion lie very much on a spectrum & I believe I fall on the more liberal side of introversion (in other words, close to the middle). I love talking to people, anyone really. But I thrive on one-on-one or small group conversations. That’s where I shine. And I require a certain amount of alone time in order to stay sane. Put me in a group of more than roughly eight people and suddenly I feel like the same old awkward teenager I used to be, the one who never knew about all the “cool” TV shows and music that everyone else knew about and who was generally out of the loop about just about everything. I’m not that person anymore and I know it, but there is still something about being in a larger group of people that just sends off firecrackers in my brain. And not the good kind of firecrackers. The kind that say “Run away! This isn’t safe!” I might not really act like the turtle with its head in its shell, but deep down I’m often feeling that way.

This must sound totally ridiculous to those of you reading this who thrive on large groups, parties, clubs, and all of those supposedly fun things. I on the other hand hate crowds and any sort of social situations that do not lend themselves well to intimate or deep conversation. (Hint, intimate does not have to mean sexual, despite our society’s tendency to equate one with the other.) Hell, the idea of going to NYC and walking around those crowded streets makes me feel like my throat is closing up and I can’t breathe. I’ve even realized that I have this same type of anxiety around my own family, if a gathering consists of more than say eight people. I know that must sound so silly. But it’s true. Perhaps the reason for this is that when you put 20-30 people in a house together you rarely have meaningful conversations with anyone. You just say “Hi, how are ya?” and other such trivialities to everyone. I for one long for so much more. Yet I love having a big family. Argh.

I am coming to realize that my mind is a mass of contradictions. For example, I actually love hosting cook-outs and other casual “parties,” and yet the idea of attending one that isn’t composed of my closest friends inevitably causes me to have a mild anxiety attack. I don’t have this problem when I’m around a lot of people at work or in class. I think I handle those kinds of situations quite well. I also am not afraid of giving speeches, teaching a class, or taking on leadership roles at work such as charge nurse. I actually ENJOY all of those things! But there is something about pure SOCIAL situations that still scares me if there are too many people involved.

With help from my therapist I’m starting to understand these things about myself and slowly learning that there’s nothing “wrong” with me because of them. I know a lot of people are the exact opposite of me and fear intimate one-on-one conversations because they are too “exposing.” But I love those kinds of conversations. I’ve found that people almost universally like me when I am able to talk to them one-on-one or in a small group. But in a larger group I have a tendency to just fade into the background and ask dumb questions like “Why do people put olives in martinis?”

I don’t really know why I’m writing this other than to make myself feel better for being so “uncool” as to have a mild anxiety attack about something as silly as going to a party, something that most other people would be excited about. The truth of the matter is I had a decent time at the party. I almost always do. But I still get anxious about these kinds of scenarios. And deep down I’d always rather spend time with people alone or in very small groups. If you’re reading this and you can relate to what I’m saying, feel free to comment so we can all feel less alone.

As an aside, I had my first winery experience yesterday with a group of close friends and it was AMAZING. I haven’t laughed that much in a long time, and it was fabulous. The winery was perfect for me: casual, friendly, & not the least bit pretentious. Underneath it all, I promise I really am a fun person. 😉

As a further aside, I should add that I have at worst a mild case of social anxiety. I know there are people out there who suffer far more, or perhaps I should just say differently, than I from social anxiety. I don’t mean to say my experience is representative of everyone with social anxiety issues. I just wanted to share my own story.

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Novel Aspirations: My Greatest Dream in Life

Those of you reading this who are writers will know what I mean when I say that I am having one of those days when I want to write about so many things but my mind can’t seem to slow down long enough to settle on any of them. I love nursing, I really do, but my greatest career aspiration is to be a writer. I don’t even really think of writing as a career because writing a novel has always been my greatest dream, going all the way back to childhood. I’ve always been fascinated with books and stories and the older I get the more my love for reading (and writing) grows. I want desperately to write the kind of novel that really makes people think, that makes readers really examine their own lives and beliefs. But I have no idea where to start, and at twenty-four (almost twenty-five) years old, I figure I haven’t experienced enough of life to be able to write such a thing anyway. There’s a part of my brain that tells me I’m crazy for thinking I could ever influence people with my words, whether written or spoken. I try not to listen to that voice but there are days, like today, when that voice is louder than the other voices in my head. I’m not schizophrenic or anything but we all have voices in our heads, you know the positive ones that say “You can do it,” usually followed quite swiftly by the negative ones that say “You’re crazy for dreaming such things.”

I was talking to a dear friend of mine recently about the struggle we all face to feel normal in a world that sometimes seems to do nothing but scream “You’re weird!” every time you walk out the door. Her response was “No one ever changed the world by being normal.” I love that so much and I fully believe it’s true. I used to think I couldn’t be happy in life if I didn’t become famous somehow. Now I realize how foolish that was, but there is still a part of me that feels like I won’t be fully satisfied with my life if I don’t really make a difference in this world (the poem I wrote that is the title of this blog was about this exact struggle; see my post “Inspiration Behind the Blog”). I’m old enough now to realize that you don’t have to be the next Mother Teresa or Gandhi to make a positive difference in the world; actually we can all do that just by being good decent people every day that we live. By reaching out to those in need, by showing mercy when it would be easier not to, by baring our souls about the struggles we all face so that our friends and acquaintances realize that deep down we’re really all the same. And yet I keep coming back to writing. As much as I love nursing and realize that my career offers me a multitude of opportunities to help others every day (or night) that I work, I can’t help but feel that no matter what I accomplish as a nurse, or even as a mom someday, I’ll still want more. I still want to write a book. I still feel like that’s the best way in which I can touch this world.

At the rate I’m going now, I don’t know if my book will ever happen. At this point in my life I’m still much too worried about what others would think about some of the things I want to write. I know I have to move past such trivialities if I want to ever write something truly great, but that isn’t going to happen overnight. I also realize that even if I do actually write a novel, it might never get published. And even if it did get published, that’s no guarantee anyone would actually read it. But I still feel like I have to try, because as I told a friend yesterday, I write principally for myself, to bring peace to my own soul. Of course if my writing can somehow inspire others, then that is a wonderful bonus.

I have no idea where I’m going with this post but I just knew that I wouldn’t get anything accomplished today and most importantly I wouldn’t be at peace with myself until I wrote about something. Even if it was something as ironic as writing about writing, as the case may be. In any case, I like to think that this blog is a small step in the right direction toward accomplishing my dream.

For those of you reading who would like to share what your greatest dream(s) is in life, I’d love to hear from you.

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The Greatest Expression of Love (It’s Not a Ring!!)

Today while reading an article online I came across a link to another article entitled “Five Ways to Get the Engagement Ring You Want.” I think something inside of me died when I read that. Actually maybe I should say something came alive, a part of me that was so angry & disappointed in our culture that seeing that article made me want to hurl my computer across the room. I don’t know about y’all, but my brain is still a bit miffed at the fact that people are writing such articles, & not only that, but professional newspapers are publishing these articles! Good lord, if we as women want to be viewed as the intellectual equals of men, may I suggest that we stop pandering to such ridiculous ideas of what being a woman means? If we want to be seen as equal partners in marriage (or just relationships in general), maybe focusing less on what kind of ring we’re going to wear would be a great place to start.

Kim Kardashian’s ridiculous engagement ring . . . for a marriage that lasted less than 90 days . . .

On a slightly different topic, lately I’ve been seeing a link shared on Facebook about some kind of really sweet proposal story. I haven’t watched it because I’m not a hopeless romantic & such things just don’t interest me. I’ve also never seen or read The Notebook or any of the other popular Nicholas Sparks movies/books. In fact that entire genre makes me want to puke. Then there are the inevitable posts in magazines about the gigantic (& just plain gaudy) engagement rings that celebrities wear (see the above picture!). Lest you should think I am a grump, please let me explain why these things are anathema to me.

I’ve never been enticed by the idea of public or over-the-top marriage proposals. One of my biggest goals in life is to not be judgmental so I won’t go so far as to say I think these things are wrong. Of course not. But I just don’t see the appeal. To me, getting married (or having any type of serious long-term relationship) is all about sharing real life with someone. It’s about understanding that real life isn’t always exciting or even super interesting. It’s sharing all of the little day-to-day events of life, like going to the grocery store, cleaning up after the dog, & vacuuming the carpets. Lots of people can have fun together at concerts or the beach or on vacation in the Caribbean. It’s when you can have fun with someone doing all the mundane little things than make up real life, that you know you’re onto something special. Maybe it’s because I am at heart a bit of an introvert, but the idea of being asked to marry someone in front of thousands of people at a baseball game or some other such public event makes me cringe. To me, a proposal is an intimate thing to be shared with your lover & no one else. In any case, my point is that a proposal that isn’t public or elaborately planned out isn’t any less romantic at all.

When I got engaged I remember the inevitable questions about how it happened, & part of me regretted that I didn’t have a better “story” to share, but deep down I was so glad I didn’t. I’m still so glad that my husband proposed to me in a very casual way without even having bought a ring yet. I love that so much because it implies that the decision was very much something we arrived at together & he’ll never have to feel like he “bought me” with a ring.

Coming back to the ring discussion, my husband & I were “engaged” in our hearts for a long time before we actually got engaged. We knew for years that we wanted to get married but we didn’t want to officially get engaged till we were much closer to graduating from college & coming close to a time at which we could realistically get married. Naturally we had discussed the issue of an engagement ring long before he actually proposed & part of me hated the idea of a ring altogether. It just feels like some sort of ancient tradition that labels me as property, & therefore part of me wanted to skip it altogether. But I also recognized that this is such an established cultural tradition that skipping it would cause people to say & think all kinds of horrible things about us, so in the end we decided it wasn’t worth that risk. So we discussed the kinds of rings we liked & discovered that we had very different ideas about what makes a pretty ring (I didn’t even want a diamond because I much prefer green or blue stones but we decided not to buck that tradition too). I refused to let my husband spend more than a certain amount on the ring because I knew that we had more important things to spend money on than a piece of jewelry that realistically I knew I wouldn’t even wear that often (as a nurse, there is too much risk of losing it at work or worse yet of carrying germs on the ring). In the end it worked out perfectly that my husband proposed to me on Black Friday (three years ago tomorrow!!) because we were able to pick out a ring together that we both really liked & that would have ordinarily been way out of our price range (he swears he didn’t plan that on purpose & as little as he thinks about shopping, I believe him). Some people think it’s very odd that we picked out the ring together but I loved doing it that way. To me, it represents the way we try to make all important (& sometimes even not so important) decisions in our relationship. We discuss the pros & cons of various actions & then arrive at a decision that we feel to be mutually beneficial.

In summary, what I’m trying to say is that the focus on rings & other such “symbols” of love is absurd. Some people are horrified when I say that my husband & I rarely wear our wedding rings (ok, actually, he never wears his & I wear mine once or twice a week when I’m not at work & remember to put them on), but my response is always this: a ring is just a symbol & what it stands for is FAR more important than the ring itself. I hope this post hasn’t come across as arrogant or as if I’m trying to say that my relationship is perfect. Of course it isn’t. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship because people, like life, aren’t perfect. It just horrifies me to think that enough women are so obsessed with getting “the perfect ring” that entire articles are written to help them in this quest. How ludicrous! If we as women want men to see us as more than superficial brats, we have got to realize that obsessing over engagement rings needs to stop. The deeper message here is that we must realize that expensive gifts are not the greatest expressions of love. The greatest expression of love involves spending the greatest gift any of us can ever give to anyone: time, the one gift we can never get back. The greatest way to prove your love to someone, regardless of gender, is to spend time with them even when they are sick, sad, depressed, or generally not at their best. (This applies to romantic or non-romantic relationships alike.) Engagement rings are just a symbol of the eternal nature of that love. Nothing more, nothing less. As a society, I think we would do well to understand this.

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10 Reasons Why Growing Up Doesn’t Actually Suck

It doesn’t take a genius to realize that our modern society values youth very highly. Turn on the TV or flip through any magazine & you will be greeted with a veritable host of ads showcasing products that proclaim they can “erase wrinkles,” “cover up greys,” or “give you the energy of youth,” etc, etc. In the media we are constantly assaulted with pictures of young hot celebrities & on a more day-to-day level we inevitably hear people making comments about how much getting old & growing up sucks. Since graduating from college I have even noticed a difference in the things I see on Facebook. I now see a lot of statuses about how much “real life” sucks & there seems to be a ridiculous amount of nostalgia going around for the innocence & simplicity of childhood. Now I for one spent a great deal of my childhood & adolescence pining for adulthood & the freedoms it would bring. Perhaps in some ways it’s sad that I didn’t just enjoy my life to the fullest at those stages as I suppose most kids/teens do. But I have to say that even though being an adult is hard, I for one am not disappointed at all. I am happier now than I’ve ever been. One of my greatest goals in life is to always retain the energy & vibrancy of youth while balancing this with the wisdom & serenity of getting older. So today I thought I’d compile a list of reasons why growing up doesn’t actually suck. In truth there are a lot of things I LOVE about getting older & I think our society could certainly use a reminder of these things from time to time, so here we go:

Growing up means no longer having to obsess over every facet of your appearance. I don’t know about the rest of y’all, but when I was a teenager I spent entirely too much time worrying about every tiny bit of my appearance. If even one hair was out of line, I was sure I looked horrible & that everyone was secretly laughing at me. Though I’ve never been the type to really follow fashion trends, I still felt the need to be as “in style” as possible. Well, one of the great things about getting older is the ability to just not give a crap about such things. And to know that you are better off because of it. I don’t mean that I don’t care about looking my best; I certainly do. But if I have a “bad hair day” or a day when my acne is acting up & making my face look like a teenager’s all over again, I have the maturity to know that this too shall pass. I also know that if anyone thinks less of me for not wearing the trendiest clothes or not having perfect skin or anything superficial like that, then those people aren’t worth worrying about anyway. I’m far from the confident person I hope to be someday but I’ve also come a long way from the girl I used to be, & I’m proud of that.
Growing up means realizing that your mom was right when she said it was more important to be respected than to be liked. Don’t get me wrong; I’m a born people-pleaser. It just comes naturally to me to want to make others happy & to be well-liked by everyone. But I have learned to temper that when necessary because I have discovered that it truly is impossible to please everyone all the time. And that’s ok. It’s just life.
Stemming from the last point, getting older means having the courage to say no to people who are just trying to use you to their own advantage. It means having enough self-respect to not waste your valuable time on people who don’t actually care about you. Getting older means realizing that your worth is not diminished by those who do not recognize or appreciate you. This gives you the confidence to say no to those who do not actually have your best interests at heart.
Getting older means not having to panic every time something doesn’t go “your way.” It means realizing that just because you’ve had a bad day or even a bad week, month, or year, it doesn’t mean you’re doomed to have a bad life. And getting older means realizing that your attitude is the greatest determinant in your own happiness. (This is both scary & enlightening. I could write a whole blog post on this subject & I probably will soon.)
Getting older means learning how to agree to disagree. It means building friendships with people who are vastly different from you & instead of trying to “convert” them you are content to learn from each other & use your differences to build a stronger relationship.
Getting older means independence. Ah, what a glorious word! This is what I longed for so much as a child. I know most people end up regretting such longings because they say the price of freedom is too great. But I disagree. I think if you make good decisions in life, you will set yourself up for success & you’ll be able to reap the rewards of independence to the fullest. I love that as an adult I can choose my career, my spouse, where I live, what house to buy, what to wear, who to be friends with, where to go to school, what to eat, basically everything!
Growing up means realizing that there is no one right way for everyone in life. There’s nothing more freeing than understanding that there is no exact prescription for success that every person must follow. Growing up means having the freedom to make mistakes & learn from them.
Growing up means realizing that sometimes life sucks. It means looking evil in the face & realizing that this world is a cold & scary place. (That wasn’t supposed to rhyme…) I know this must seem like a bad thing. And it’s this loss of innocence that so many people mourn so greatly. But I’ve never understood why people celebrate innocence so much. It’s nothing more than an illusion. For of what value is happiness if it’s based on something that is fake? To me that’s what “innocence” is. It’s the happiness that comes from not realizing how bad the world can really be. I think the happiness we can experience as adults is all the greater because we have had to see so many of the dark sides of life too. Which is of greater value: the happiness of a child who does not yet understand the world or the happiness of an adult who has looked into the pit of hell, faced the monsters of the world, & come out alive? Maybe I was a weird child (ok, who am I kidding, I was DEFINITELY a weird child for a number of reasons), but I don’t ever remember feeling the type of blissfully ignorant happiness that people always talk about children experiencing. In any case, I believe the happiness & love we can experience as adults is all the greater because it’s a real choice. We have chosen to seek joy even though we have seen that life is often cruel & unfair. We have chosen to seek peace even though we know that life can be violent to even the meekest of us. This thought process requires a bit of mental gymnastics at times but I truly believe I am happier now than I’ve ever been. Yes, I have days when I look at the world & feel like there’s no hope. But those days aren’t the norm & when they do happen I have the wisdom to know those feelings will pass. Whew, that was a deep one.
Growing up means realizing that the journey is as important as the destination. It means understanding that life is short & we truly must live every day like it’s our last, as cliché as that may be.
Getting older means realizing that just because your life isn’t perfect doesn’t mean it isn’t great. It’s so easy to look in the mirror & think “I’d be so much prettier if my nose were just a little straighter” or “I’d be so much happier if I could afford that fancy car I’ve always wanted” or any number of such things. It’s so easy to compare yourself to your friends, coworkers, or even celebrities & feel like your life just doesn’t measure up. But growing up means realizing that everyone’s life isn’t measured against the same yardstick. We all have our own meter for success & happiness & that’s the only one that really matters.

As an addendum, if anyone wants to help me create better titles for my blog posts, that would be awesome. I like to think I’m a pretty decent writer but when it comes to creating titles for papers, essays, poems, or blog posts, I’m always at a loss, as you can clearly see by the super clever title of this post. 😉

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The Hardest Person to Forgive

Today’s blog post explores an idea that is certainly not original by any stretch of the imagination but it’s something I believe is very much worth exploring nonetheless. Regardless of what, if any, religious affiliation you associate with (or associated with in the past), we hear a lot of talk about the importance of forgiving others & not holding grudges or allowing ourselves to become bitter toward those who have hurt us. These ideas are of course very important because we cannot have peace in our own minds when we are not at peace with others, at least as much as is possible. As hard as it can be to forgive others, when given some thought I believe most people would agree that oftentimes the hardest person in life to forgive is yourself. Today I would like to explore why that might be and why it’s so important to learn to forgive ourselves no matter how difficult it can be at times.

If you have ever taken any kind of basic psychology course you probably discussed the well-recognized phenomenon in which victims of child, physical, or other types of abuse very often blame themselves for the abuse which they have suffered. At first glance this may seem extraordinary & impossible to believe. But delve a little deeper & one can reason that perhaps it is easier to believe that you made a mistake or somehow provoked the abuser to hurt you than to believe that someone, particularly a family member, romantic partner, or friend (indeed someone who should have been protecting you, not hurting you) actually CHOSE to hurt you & is thus truly a very screwed up individual. Rape victims often are also perfect examples of this phenomenon. Indeed society does a great deal of blaming the victim as well because frankly it is easier to believe that a woman (or man) provoked such a horrible thing to happen than to believe that there are such evil, disgusting people in this world. This of course only serves to perpetuate the cycle of victims blaming themselves & being unable to forgive themselves for something which in reality is not even their fault.

However, we certainly don’t have to be abuse or rape victims (actually, I don’t like that term; let’s say survivors) to struggle with self-forgiveness. How many times a day do most of us berate ourselves for not eating healthily enough, weighing too much, not saving enough money, or countless other things? I’m not saying these aren’t worthy goals, they surely are, but sometimes I think in our haste to berate ourselves for our poor decisions we actually hinder our own progress. Sometimes in our quest for perfection we miss the beauty of life that is right before our very eyes. Indeed, we focus so much on our mistakes that we have no energy left over for actual self-improvement.

One of the greatest lessons I think we all have to learn in life is that there are going to be days when we just don’t like ourselves because we simply aren’t as “perfect” we want to be. For example, as a nurse I know I have had to come to terms with the fact that I am not going to feel 100% compassion for every patient every time. Naturally I want to, but sometimes it just doesn’t happen because I am just as human as everyone else. And I have had to learn to forgive myself for this & to know that as long as it doesn’t prevent me from providing excellent care it’s ok. Learning to forgive myself for not being the perfect “angel of compassion” at all times actually helps me to more quickly recognize my own prejudices & then set them aside & provide the best care possible at all times. For example, when I have a particularly trying patient who is rude & dissatisfied with her care no matter how many times I bend over backwards to try to meet her needs, I have to remind myself that it’s ok to be annoyed with her. It’s ok to mentally roll my eyes at these things. I just have to possess the self-control to not allow these feelings to come across to the patient & to not allow those feelings to so overwhelm me that I become bitter & angry toward that patient or anyone else. I have to see beyond the annoying behaviors to the hurting person inside. Having come to these realizations has actually helped me to have greater satisfaction in my nursing career &, though I have no scientific way of validating it, I truly believe it has made me overall a more effective nurse.

I believe this idea is also very important for parents. Though I am not a parent yet I hope to be one someday, & I know when that day comes there will be times when I look at my children & wonder “What the hell was I thinking?!” And I will have to learn to forgive myself for those thoughts, to remember that every parent feels that way at times. AND IT’S OK. Similarly, in marriage or any serious relationship there are times when you look at your partner & wonder what you are doing with this person. AND THAT’S OK TOO. Being frustrated or upset with your partner or your child doesn’t make you a bad person. It just makes you a PERSON. The important thing is to be able to recognize these thoughts when they occur, handle them as objectively as possible (by that I mean not beating yourself up over them, just recognizing them for what they are: a sign of your own beautiful humanity), & moving on in the knowledge that as long as these thoughts don’t become the overall theme of your life, they’re not a big deal.

Another situation in which I believe we struggle with self-forgiveness is with regret. I feel fortunate to say I truly do not have a lot of regrets in my life, but I do struggle with forgiving myself for those few I do have. However, what I am slowly learning is that self-forgiveness is an absolutely vital step in preventing myself from repeating the same old mistakes.

I guess my point with this post is that I truly believe that we cannot move forward in life without self-forgiveness. As long as we wallow in guilt & self-hate we are stuck in a self-perpetuating negative cycle. Life would be a lot easier if we could just magically forgive ourselves (& others), but that’s just not the way life works. As with almost everything in life, self-forgiveness is a process. It’s an everyday event that requires conscious awareness & effort. I hope that as you’re reading this you don’t think I’m making excuses for bad behavior or encouraging you to not feel guilty for things that you know in your heart are wrong. Of course not. What I am saying is that we cannot truly improve ourselves without self-forgiveness. We hear so much in society about the importance of showing compassion to others & there’s no doubt that this is indeed most vital. But just as vital is showing compassion to yourself. There’s a fine line for sure between being compassionate toward yourself & making excuses for yourself. But the line is there & it’s our job as human beings to stay on the former side of it.

To be perfectly honest this post feels quite like word vomit to me at this point. There’s so much I want to say & the words just aren’t coming to me tonight. Though I have fumbled through the words, I hope the passion I feel for this matter has somehow come through & that at least one person who reads this will be encouraged to begin the process of self-forgiveness & moving toward a brighter tomorrow.

I’d love to hear what you think on this matter. Am I speaking to the wind or does any of this make sense?

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Love is Blind . . . Or Is It?

I just finished reading an intriguing book (which I found at a local thrift store) called The Bean Trees by Barbara Kingsolver. It’s really quite an improbable story (but a touching one nonetheless) about a young girl from Eastern Kentucky who escapes her backwoods hometown to travel out West & in the process adopts a young Indian child from Oklahoma. Like I said it’s an improbable story but a powerful one just the same. The central theme of the novel appears to be that life is difficult, unfair, & sometimes downright heart-breaking but nonetheless it is beautiful, joyful, & very much worth living. The second apparent theme, which stems from the first, is that the best we can hope for in this world is to give & receive love & to enjoy life as much as we can for as long as we can.

The book also focuses on how parents feel the need to protect their children from the world & all the dangers & sorrows it contains, but in the end such a task is futile & in fact impossible. I found this last theme particularly powerful because it’s something I’ve thought about a lot lately. As I have mentioned in some of my previous blog posts, I have started thinking a lot more about having kids over the past six months or so. Just a year ago I was still very much unsure if I wanted to have kids at all. Ever. Now I’m suddenly very sure that I do & I’m even thinking that I might want them a lot sooner than I’d originally thought possible (I’m talking two to three years from now). I’m not sure exactly what caused this change in me & I suppose it really doesn’t matter. But one thing I think about a lot in relation to having children is that I don’t want my children to grow up over-protected and naïve because that can really be quite dangerous. But at the same time I feel like no one escapes childhood unscathed; indeed, as adults we are all somewhat scarred from our childhood & adolescence no matter how wonderful our parents were. So part of me feels like parenthood would be this incredible burden because I’d constantly feel the need to make sure I don’t “scar” my children in any way while at the same time knowing that there’s no way around it because no one is perfect. What a conundrum, especially for a perfectionist like me! I guess what I have to realize is exactly what a friend was telling me today: as parents, as in all aspects of life, we have to remember that we cannot control everything so we just have to do the best we can & know that that is enough.

Sometimes I feel a bit cynical for my age because it’s impossible for me to ignore the unfairness of life. My career in healthcare only enhances this sometimes as I’m constantly presented with situations in which bad things happen to good people, often beyond their control. As a consequence I often feel older than I am & in fact basically everyone who doesn’t already know my age seems shocked when they find out how young I really am. But I don’t really mind this because I think perhaps the greatest thing in life is to keep going even when you realize how bleak things can be. Perhaps it is the same with parenthood. What I mean is, as children we can’t imagine that our parents don’t always love us with every fiber of their being. We can’t imagine that they have moments in which they question everything they’ve ever done as a parent even to the point of wondering whether they should even be a parent at all. But as adults we realize this is very much the reality of life. And perhaps as adults we can appreciate how much greater is the love of a parent for a child when they persist in raising & loving their child in spite of these fears. The same goes for loving our spouses, romantic partners, friends, & families. Real love doesn’t exist because of a lack of fears, uncertainties, or difficulties. Real love exists in spite of all these things. Real love persists even when the road of life is rocky & challenging, indeed even when there appears to be no path at all.

I’ve often heard it said that love is blind & that lovers are often so enveloped in their own romance that they are blinded to not only each other’s faults but the faults of the world around them. But I beg to differ. I believe true love (whether romantic or otherwise, for honestly I don’t think there’s too much difference but that’s a whole other blog post right there) rather than blinding us opens our eyes to see the world more clearly. I do believe this means we will “stop to smell the roses” a bit more & learn to appreciate the everyday joys in life, but I also believe it means that we won’t be blinded to the injustices in the world or to each other’s faults. Rather I believe we will be encouraged & empowered to better ourselves & the world around us & to tackle the injustices of life with as much passion as we can muster. Indeed real love gives us the courage to face an uncertain world & to know that even if our lives aren’t perfect they can still be beautiful & meaningful.

[I included the picture of cards that spell out love because I like the implications of love being somewhat like a card game. We’re all dealt a different hand in life but we have to make the most of what cards we have, knowing that in the end our lives come down somewhat to luck but more so to skill & attitude in handling whatever comes our way.]

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All Kinds of Kinds

Now some point a finger and let ignorance linger/If they’d look in the mirror they’d find/That ever since the beginning to keep the world spinning/It takes all kinds of kinds . . . ~ Miranda Lambert’s All Kinds of Kinds

People take different roads seeking fulfillment & happiness. Just because they are not on your road does not mean they are lost. ~ Dalai Lama

Currently my mind is awash with various ideas that I want to write about but nothing much of value seems to be coming out of all this muddle. You know that feeling when you have so many ideas that you can’t really settle on any of them? Yeah, that’s where I am right now. It’s times like this that I so desperately need to write & yet often when my mind is so overwhelmed like this I sit down to write & the words run away from me the way I run from a snake when I see one.

In all of this madness the two quotes at the beginning of this post keep coming back to me. I’ve heard that Miranda Lambert song on the radio a few times lately & I keep finding myself looking it up on YouTube to listen to it again because the words strike such a chord with me. The Dalai Lama quote is something I came across on Facebook last week & instantly loved. This idea that there is no one right way for everyone is one of those universal truths that as an adult I keep stumbling upon. I stay stumbling upon because it’s an idea that I really cherish & yet it’s one that I think we all struggle to really remember from day to day. I don’t have any scientific backing for this, but I’m pretty sure it’s wired into our DNA somewhere to compare ourselves to each other, perhaps women being the worst perpetrators here. As much as I love the internet & truly believe that social media can enhance our lives for the better, sadly such things can also encourage that innate drive to compare ourselves to everyone around us. The unfortunate result of such comparisons is usually one of two things. First, we often find ourselves feeling inadequate because we inevitably see others who we PERCEIVE are prettier, skinnier, richer, smarter, more successful, etc than ourselves. Second, we often find ourselves criticizing others because we do not agree with certain aspects of our lives. I believe it is a sign of our own insecurity that we are so often quick to judge others instead of relishing the fact that not everyone is just like us. Instead of feeling either inadequate or self-righteous when we see others living differently than us, we ought to be thankful that in truth “to keep the world spinning, it takes all kinds of kinds.” Just think how boring the world would be if we were all alike? One of the greatest lessons I’ve learned in life is that when I open myself up to new ideas, new ways of thinking, & new experiences, that is when I really learn & that is often when I feel most alive.

Now I realize this thought process could lead to some dangerous territory if we took it too literally. Obviously there are some things like child molestation & murder that as a society we have to reject as immoral. We cannot accept ALL behaviors or else the world would be even more chaotic than it already is. As with almost everything in life, it all comes back to “everything in moderation.” I truly believe if we could all learn these concepts, the world would be a better, more peaceful place.

As I’m writing this I sincerely hope I don’t come across as arrogant or preachy. I’m as guilty of not following these principles as anyone. But I’m working on it. And that’s what matters: the everyday continual process of effecting change, & that process always starts inside each & every one of us. As with everything, some days it will be easier than others. And some days it will be harder. I am grateful that I have so many friends from so many different walks of life with so many different belief systems who continually challenge me & help me to become more & more tolerant, educated, & compassionate toward the world at large. Y’all know who you are. And I thank you for accepting my Type A, mildly OCD (but only about some things!), high-anxiety, questionably crazy kind.

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Things I Learned From Rock & Roll

A few weeks ago I wrote a post about things I’ve learned from country music & stated that I would be writing a similar post for each major genre of music. Naturally my next post for this theme is about rock & roll since that is my favorite type of music. I tried very hard to narrow this list down to five songs like I did for the last post but I just couldn’t do it, so I decided that since rock is my favorite genre it wouldn’t be too superfluous to choose a few more songs. Besides unlike writing for school assignments, this is my blog so I can make the rules. Ha! 😉

Please do be advised that some of these songs are not totally G-rated as far as some of the words are concerned (but, hey, that’s rock & roll, right?).

These are in no particular order.

1. Unity by Shinedown: To anyone who thinks that rock & roll is all about drugs & “darkness,” please listen to this song. In my opinion this is one of the most inspiring, hopeful songs I’ve ever heard. I’ve seen Shinedown in concert twice & both times their live performance of this song has been incredibly powerful. The message of this song to me is that no matter how scared or lonely you feel, you’re never alone & there is always hope. And “your moment of truth is the day that you say ‘I’m not scared,'” which to me means not so much that you’re no longer afraid of the darkness but that you’re facing it anyway. After all true courage is not the absence of fear but rather the willingness to proceed despite fear. Perhaps the best way to sum up this song are the lines Brent Smith, the lead singer, says at the beginning of the music video: “We will not fall because we have each other. We will not fall because we are brothers. We will not fall because we have love. We will not fall because we will rise above.” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_gVdi6sizeY

2. Here’s To Us by Halestorm: If you aren’t familiar with the female-fronted rock band Halestorm please do yourself a favor & head to Youtube right this minute to check out their fantastic music. This song is a great place to start, though it’s a bit softer than their average piece. This is a song that celebrates the transience of life & the fact that mistakes don’t have to be our downfall. Despite being somewhat softer in style, to me this song is the ultimate “I can do this” song. It’s what I listen to when I feel like I’m just barely getting by in life, when I need a pick-me-up & a reminder that no matter what life throws my way I’m capable of not just surviving but thriving regardless of the situation. The music video is also an awesome tribute to the past couple of decades of rock music (note the changes in clothes, makeup, & stage performance throughout the video). http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KC0DNLDXJW8

3. Justice by Rev Theory: I still remember the first time I heard this song; I was driving to Blacksburg to visit Jared. As soon as I got to Jared’s apt I pulled out my laptop to Google the song & figure out who sang it. This song was one of those “love at first listen” songs for me. To me this song is just pure adrenaline & righteous anger. It’s the perfect song to listen to when you feel you’ve been wronged by someone or when life just feels unfair, which is of course inevitable from time to time. However, if you watch the video you get the feeling that this song was written about more than just the every-day injustices of life & more about the war crimes & crimes against humanity that occur throughout the world. In any case, it’s a fabulous piece of rock & roll that you should seriously check out. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q5N80tNDCGg

4. Weathered by Creed: This is one of those songs that speaks to the difficulties & sorrows of life & how sometimes we just feel like we’re barely holding together, barely making it from day to day. We’ve all had times in life when we feel like that for whatever reason. What makes this song so special to me is that it addresses those feelings without holding back, without trying to conceal how ugly & despairing we can feel at times, while also giving hope that there is more to life than this darkness. My favorite lines are these:

“Take all this pride/And leave it behind/Because one day it ends/One day we die/Believe what you will/That is your right/But I choose to win/So I choose to fight.” These lines remind us that life is too short to stay miserable forever & that in order to succeed in life we must never give up the fight. Sometimes that means laying down our pride, asking for forgiveness (from ourselves as well as from others), & pushing onward. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wu0VRsVCQ48

5. Wrong Side of Heaven by Five Finger Death Punch: If you’re not familiar with Five Finger Death Punch (FFDP) please do yourself yet another favor & look them up on Youtube immediately. Ivan Moody’s brooding voice combined with the fantastic musicianship of the other band members makes for some seriously epic music. I don’t think they’ve ever made a song that I didn’t like. Though it’s difficult to choose, Wrong Side of Heaven is certainly one of their best pieces. This song describes the eternal battle between good & evil that exists inside all of us. The lyrics refer to God as a “she” so if that offends you, I’m sorry that you will miss out on such an amazing song. Wrong Side of Heaven describes how as adults we are faced with the startling realization that right & wrong are often not as easily recognized as we would like them to be & that at some points in life we are all going to be disappointed with the choices we make (“What have I done, who have I become?”). In spite of this though we cannot take the easy way out & blame the devil or anyone else for our bad choices (“I spoke to the devil today, and he swears he’s not to blame/And I understood, ’cause I feel the same”). This song resonates so much with me because I feel like the battle between right & wrong is something each of us faces every single day & we are all at times “on the wrong side of heaven & the righteous side of hell.” Perhaps another reason this song speaks to me so much is that I often feel like I am caught in the middle with my friends because I am more conservative than my liberal friends & more liberal than my conservative friends. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RsCp3l815G8

6. All I’m Dreaming Of by Black Stone Cherry: Black Stone Cherry is an awesome rock band with a lot of Southern rock influences that are sadly not as well known as they should be. Their entire album from which this song comes is fabulous. All I’m Dreaming Of is a gorgeous song that speaks to the need for more love in the world. I think the best way to show the power of this song is simply to share some of the lyrics, so here are some of my favorite lines from the piece: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I60g8Vfr0xs

Something about our world today
That makes me wanna cry
There’s too much anger and too much pain
Too much money and too many lies
If I could have one wish tonight
I would beg of us to forget our pride
If we could do just one thing right,
We could help each other to love our lives

All I’m dreamin of is good times, good friends, and somebody to love
All I’m dreamin of is no fears, no tears, and blue skies up above

7. It’s My Life by Bon Jovi: To me this song encapsulates so much of the traditional spirit of rock & roll. This song celebrates the idea that life is short so we better make the most of it while we can. Sometimes that means doing things our way & disregarding the opinions of others, even those who mean well but don’t agree with us for whatever reason. I certainly don’t think that we should seek to have fun at the expense of others or disregard our work/school/family obligations in search of fun, but I do think we should seek to enjoy our lives as much as possible. For after all if we don’t enjoy life, why are we here? To me this song embodies the idea that instead of asking why we should do something we ought to be asking “why not?” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9SKFwtgUJHs

I could write about so many more songs but then this post would be long & probably boring. To me rock & roll encompasses the whole spectrum of human emotion & that’s what makes it so powerful. Please check out some of these pieces if you’re not familiar with them; I promise they won’t disappoint. As someone who once thought rock & roll was of the devil & generally grating to the ears, I can now say I’ve learned there is so much more to it than initially meets the eye (or should I say the ear?) & it’s well-worth your time to invest in some good rock music. You never know, it might even become your new favorite genre, as it has for me!

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The Negative Emotion-Guilt Complex

Last week I had my monthly session with my therapist & I told her how that week I’d had my first real anxiety attack in at least a month or more. It happened on Monday afternoon of last week when I was just feeling overwhelmed with my busy schedule, working overtime, lack of sleep, etc. Thankfully with some encouragement from a dear friend of mine, diffusing & applying several essential oils, & some deep-breathing exercises I was able to quickly move past the anxiety attack & get on with my busy day. It felt like such a big step for me to be able to tell my therapist that not only was that my first real anxiety attack in a long time but, perhaps more importantly, I didn’t allow the attack to ruin my entire day or week. Instead of feeling defeated & discouraged & beating myself up over having a “bad day” I just rejoiced in the fact that I was able to recover so quickly & move on with my life. You have to understand that ordinarily when I have high anxiety days or anxiety attacks for whatever reason (often there really is no reason) I not only have to cope with the anxiety itself but also with guilt over suffering from anxiety problems. This guilt of course only serves to compound the problem.

I grew up with the idea that certain emotions in & of themselves are sinful. I’m not sure exactly where I got this idea but it was just there. Add that to the perfectionistic, high-anxiety personality I was somehow born with & you’ve got a pretty difficult situation. For the first 18 or so years of my life, whether I wanted to or not, I believed that “negative” emotions such as anger, fear, hate, frustration, sadness, etc were sins. Naturally this created a horrible cycle in which I felt guilty for experiencing these types of emotions & then the guilt just triggered more sadness, anger, whatever & the cycle continued. What a mess!

The older I’ve gotten the more clear it’s become to me that no emotions are ever sins in & of themselves. Feelings are feelings, nothing more, nothing less. They are what make us ALIVE. They are what make us human beings. For example, it is only human nature to be angry at times, even to the point of wanting to hurt someone or something. It is what we DO with our emotions that matters. For example, when we strike out in anger at someone, whether verbally or physically, that is when we cross into sinful territory. Allowing so-called negative emotions to overcome us to the point of being permanently bitter is also perhaps sinful. But again it is not the feelings themselves that are the problem; it is the actions that spring out of them. And I for one believe that, though fallible, we as humans have the power to control our emotions. We might not be able to stop ourselves from feeling angry or frustrated over certain things. Nor should that even be the goal. But we DO have the power to stop those emotions from ruling us & causing us to act out in ways that hurt ourselves or other people. To me that is the definition of sin (I hate that word but can’t think of anything better at the moment): something that hurts yourself or someone else. I know that is kind of vague but the world is vague. We only try to paint life in black & white because of how confusing it can be, to try to make sense of a world that is often unfair & cold. But we do ourselves a disservice by trying to understand a very grey world in only two very extreme colors. There is so much more to life than that.

I still struggle with anxiety. But it’s not something that defines me anymore. And I still struggle with not feeling guilty over having anxiety or experiencing other “negative” emotions. But the greatest freedom I’ve found in life is when I let go of the guilt & just allow myself to feel whatever it is I’m feeling at that moment. I have found that these so-called negative emotions leave a lot faster when I just admit what I’m feeling instead of trying to force myself to feel some other way out of guilt. I don’t know if anyone else struggles with this or if it’s just me. But I don’t think I’m that unique so I’m sure there are others out there fighting this battle too. And I hope that if you’re one of those people & you’re reading this that you will be encouraged to move past the guilt & to learn to just enjoy being alive. We all have our inner battles & we all have bad days because of them. But as long as we don’t allow those days to define us we are winning.

P.S. Whether you struggle with any particular mental illness or not, I strongly encourage everyone to consider seeing a counselor or therapist at least once in your life. As a friend of mine once told me, we can all benefit from having someone to vent to who isn’t emotionally attached to us because no matter how “perfect” our lives may be, we all have issues we could benefit from discussing with an impartial mind.

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The Purity Myth

It took a lot of courage for me to write this, much less actually post it. This is a topic which most people are not comfortable discussing but it’s a topic that I think is very important & thus bears discussing regardless of how awkward it might be. Being a nurse I have lost a lot of my sense of what is normal conversation because I am so used to dealing with & talking about every bodily function known to man. However, I know this post is of a sensitive nature & may provoke a lot of criticism, perhaps even from some people close to me. But again I think this subject is too important to bypass. With that being said, here goes.

I’ve just finished reading a fascinating book called The Purity Myth: How America’s Obsession with Virginity is Hurting Young Women by Jessica Valenti. This is one of those books that I can’t help but feel like the author was reading my mind when she wrote it. I love that feeling! In this book Valenti asserts (with a great deal of evidence to support her claims) that the “purity or virginity movement” is hurting women, especially young women, by basing their value on their sexuality (or lack thereof) & is thus not much different than the hyper-sexualization of women that the purity movement claims to hate so much. What a refreshing concept! Indeed it’s an idea that I have often considered even before reading this book. I’ve often thought how paradoxical it is that our society is so hyper-sexualized in the sense of what we see in the media & what we actually discuss in real life. Why is it that sexualized music videos are the norm & porn is ubiquitous & yet the average American is still shy about discussing real sexual issues? Why is it common practice for parents to buy their teens (or even younger children) video games that promote violent sexuality such as Grand Theft Auto & yet most parents don’t have the first clue how to have a conversation about sex with their teenagers? Is it any wonder that teen pregnancy is still rampant in this country especially in light of the fact that a great deal of “sex ed” in this country is still abstinence-only education (I use the term education lightly b/c real sex education involves actually conveying factual information, something that abstinence-only education by its very nature cannot do; I know this from personal experience).

This is the twenty-first century & yet we women are still very much defined by our sexuality. On one hand the right-wing conservatives value us only as pure virgins who “save ourselves” for marriage, who go so far as to say that a woman who has sex before marriage has “devalued herself.” Even as a teenager I couldn’t help but see through this argument. Hello, you’ll probably deny it but you’re telling me that my only worth is in relation to my body. I’m sorry but I can’t & won’t ascribe to that method of thinking. If that makes me a whore in your book, I’ll gladly wear that label. Ha!

On the other hand we have a great deal of the media telling us as women that our only value is in being sexy & desirable to men. Again our value is based on our bodies & our sexuality. And again I’m not buying it. I for one know that I am so much more than my sexuality (while I also know that my sexuality isn’t something to be ashamed of contrary to what the purity movement would say.)

[In case anyone thinks I’m promoting the “hook-up” culture, let me be clear & say that I am not. I personally am of the belief that sex is something very special that should only be shared between two consenting caring individuals. But I’m also not saying that marriage is the only scenario under which sex should happen. That’s just not practical (or even logical in my mind).]

This book also discusses the ridiculous way in which our society deals with rape. It’s shameful to admit that as a society we still spend a great deal of time blaming the victim, but we do. Regarding what other crime do you hear people say things like “Well, she was asking for it?” Or “What was she doing out late at night on that street?” The hardest thing for me to admit with this argument is that I used to say such things. I really did. And I hate myself for buying into such ridiculous notions that men are animals that cannot be stopped. The older I am & the more I observe society the more I just cannot believe such an idiotic lie. Men are not naturally uncontrollable sexual beasts any more than women are naturally sexually reticent. Both are lies created to control women & enforce “traditional” gender stereotypes which in the end are damaging to both men & women.

In many people’s eyes I am probably a feminist. But I don’t really think of myself that way. I just think of myself as a humanist. I want all people everywhere to be respected & treated well not because they are men or women but because they are HUMAN BEINGS. I’m certainly not a radical feminist who tries to assert that men & women are completely equal. They aren’t in some ways. Duh. Women are not as strong as men physically. But men can’t have babies. And without both genders the human race could not perpetuate itself. (On particularly cynical days when I am thoroughly disgusted with the human race I sometimes wonder if that wouldn’t be such a bad thing, but thankfully those days are pretty rare.) But I do believe that women should receive equal pay for equal work & that the onus for rape prevention should be on teaching men that such behavior is unacceptable. And I do believe that the purity myth is hurting women as much as the hyper-sexualization culture is also hurting women. The end result of both is that women are seen as objects: objects without their own opinions, desires (sexual or otherwise), or dreams. And I for one refuse to believe that my value as a human being is based solely or even principally on my sexuality.

Regardless of whether you agree with me or not, I’d love to hear your opinions on this matter. That goes for guys & girls!

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