self love

I’m Weird & I Love It


“I’m weird & I love it.” Now sing that to the tune of LMFAO’s Sexy & I Know It which was all the rage back in 2011. It works, right? Right. Ok, onto more serious stuff…

If you know me, you know I love rock music. Well, a week ago today a band called Beartooth released their latest album The Surface. One of the more recent singles off the album is entitled Might Love Myself (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=83rcK9Xne5A) & it perfectly encapsulates the positive self-love anthem of the record. If you know anything about Beartooth, you know this is a MASSIVE change for them. Frontman & primary songwriter Caleb Shomo has been very open about the severe depression he has struggled with from his teens on through his entire adulthood. In fact it has been the primary theme of most of the band’s music. But over the past two years he has finally found his way out of the darkness of self-loathing & learned to love himself. I for one have thoroughly enjoyed watching Caleb’s transformation into a happier, healthier human being- it’s so inspiring! The music on this album is every bit as heavy as before, but there is now a clarity & soul in Caleb’s voice that shines through in an undeniable way- & that alone is enough to make this their best album to date.

Anyway, the reason this is relevant is that today’s post is all about embracing the fact that I am in fact a bit weird- but I LOVE that about myself! Now, I have never struggled with the kind of self-loathing that Caleb has (or that my husband has), but I have definitely struggled with various forms of anxiety, depression, & OCD tendencies for most of my life. I wasn’t always AWARE of it, especially in my younger years, but the older I’ve gotten, the more I’ve realized that my brain really is a bit different than most. For better or worse, I am definitely prone to a melancholy personality- which is not to say that I’m sad all the time. Not at all. It’s more that I’m overly serious & struggle to truly relax (my husband is the same way). Moreover, it’s been a major theme of my life that I frequently find myself feeling like a bit of a loner. Again, not necessarily that I don’t have friends or everyone hates me, just that I often feel like I’m the only person in any given group who doesn’t feel like or agree with everyone else. To put it simply, it’s been a common refrain in my life for people to tell me I’m a little weird or different or not like they expected me to be (for whatever reason).

Now as a child/teen, as you can imagine, hearing this kind of feedback (whether directly or indirectly), wasn’t always encouraging. Sometimes it felt like a punch in the face. After all, there is nothing kids/teens want more than to “fit in,” to be accepted, to NOT stand out too much (at least not in a negative way). But I learned at a very young age that I was never going to be able to be “cool,” that no matter how hard I tried I would always be too nerdy or too smart or too quiet or I wore the wrong clothes or whatever. I would always be just a bit outside of the “cool” realm. Naturally I ended up finding acceptance with the other nerdy types which was more than good enough for me. Now, as an adult, I’ve come to really enjoy when people tell me I’m weird or that my tastes are nerdy or that I’m just not what they expected. Because nowadays such things are usually said in a more positive manner. They’re usually said with an undertone of “Wow, you’re interesting!” rather than “What’s wrong with you?” Even if this kind of feedback occasionally is a bit more negative, as an adult, I just don’t care. While I still sometimes find myself wishing there were more people in the world like me, just so I’d feel less “different” at times, in the end I realize that it’s my uniqueness that makes me who I am. And I LIKE who I am.

As stated previously, I’ve never struggled with true self-loathing, but nowadays I am a lot more positive about myself than I was years ago. And the best side effect of that is that I am SLOWLY learning to be less of a people-pleaser. I have learned that some people cannot BE pleased anyway (because they will always find something to complain about). Moreover, being a confident person who stands up for her beliefs is enough to turn some people off – because they like living in their echo chambers & don’t like anyone contradicting them or encouraging them to think outside their own little boxes. The point is I am finally learning to be ok with sometimes being disliked. I don’t think I will ever completely rid myself of the desire to be liked but I have learned that what my mom said years ago is true: It’s better to be respected than to be liked. Respect is worth a lot more, in the end.

Having said all that, I thought it would be fun to create a list of things that make me weird, unusual, or whatever adjective you want to use to indicate being a bit outside of the norm.

  • Thanks to my OCD tendencies, I never let me email inbox get cluttered. Furthermore, I never leave text messages unread for more than a few hours, & I almost always respond in a timely manner. It feels like I’m leaving something undone if I don’t, & I hate that feeling.
  • I keep any cash I have in order in my wallet- in other words, larger bills at the bottom, smaller bills on top, all facing the same direction. If they’re not like that, it creates a level of anxiety that is disproportionate to the “crime.”
  • I still sleep with stuffed animals. No, my husband doesn’t mind. He wouldn’t be my husband if he minded. Furthermore, I still collect stuffed animals. I even bought a small stuffed Covid virus back during the pandemic. And somewhere or other I still have a stuffed herpes virus & a stuffed neuron (brain cell) I got in college. Not kidding. As someone told me just yesterday “That is some real nerd stuff.”
  • My husband & I don’t wear our wedding rings. We’ve been married for 12 years & he has never worn his regularly, & I haven’t worn mine regularly past maybe the first year. I couldn’t tell you the last time I wore them. It’s been years for sure. This is one that REALLY bothers some people, which I find strange because if it doesn’t bother us (& obviously it doesn’t), why should anyone else care?
  • Again, my husband & I have been married for 12 years but we have never had a joint bank account or credit card. We split the bills, with him paying a bit more than I do since he makes more money than I do, & we pay for our own “miscellaneous” expenses which works out great because neither of us can whine about the other spending money on something we don’t value. Someone once told me this was “un-biblical.” While I know the person meant well, I wish I’d had the presence of mind to respond that banks didn’t really EXIST in biblical times, which made the comment quite irrelevant. (Insert eye roll here.)
  • Despite my predilection for rock/metal, I don’t have any tattoos. I have no problem with tattoos- I quite like them as a general concept- but I have never had any particular desire to have any myself. Neither do I have any piercings aside from basic earrings. Nor do I wear black all the time. In fact, aside from band T shirts that are of course disproportionately black, I rarely wear black at all, unless you count black yoga/athletic pants.
  • I didn’t love the baby stage, especially the newborn stage. I struggled with PPD which of course colored things a lot for me, but even so, I’ve just never been someone who really loves babies. I do not miss my child being younger. I never get sad when I think about her needing me less as she grows up. Quite the opposite- I’m usually cheering. “You want to take a shower by yourself now instead of me helping you with a bath? Fantastic!” Of course I have good memories & fleeting moments of nostalgia, but trust me when I say they’re fleeting.
  • On a similar token, I don’t dread the teenage years. I LIKE older kids & teenagers. You can have so much more interesting conversations with them. They really have their own personalities & likes/dislikes by then. They are – in my opinion anyway- so much more rational. Yes, I know, I am crazy. You won’t find my volunteering much at my daughter’s school nowadays but in a few years, I’ll probably be happy to do anything I can.
  • Aside from a little football here & there, I genuinely don’t watch TV anymore (& never have much), not even Netflix. I just prefer to read. I’ve always got so many books that I want to read that I just can’t find time for television. And I truly don’t feel like I’m missing anything of value to me. Does this mean I’m left out of conversations at work sometimes or that I am oblivious to certain TV/movie references people make in general conversation? Yes. But does it bother me these days? Absolutely not.
  • I actually like cold weather. It’s the heat that I find suffocating, depressing, & soul sucking. But when I feel a chill in the air, my spirit soars.
  • I actually ENJOY going places alone- whether it’s a restaurant, a movie (not that I’ve been to a movie theater in almost a decade, but I did used to enjoy going to matinees alone on occasion), or a concert. Being alone in a crowd doesn’t bother me. I love to people watch. I love my own company. If that makes me weird- well, as far as I can tell, I got the trump card.

I could go on & on, but if you’ve read this far I think you get the point. Some days are still a struggle, some days I still feel like maybe I wasn’t made quite “right,” like there’s something “wrong” with me. But in general I’m in a better place now than ever. Coming back to Might Love Myself by Beartooth- as the song states “I’m exactly who I want to be.”

My challenge to you is to find whatever makes you weird or different & celebrate it. And if you can’t find anything, that’s ok too. Regardless, the more you love yourself- which sometimes requires actively changing your behavior if you find things that need work- the better your life will be & the more you’ll be able to truly love others, even those who are very different from you.

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The Unexpected Genius of Miley Cyrus


Ahh, Flowers by Miley Cyrus (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G7KNmW9a75Y). It’s all the rage these days, filling up my social media timeline & sparking new memes galore. And for once I’m actually in the know about a pop song! Shocking, I know. Usually I am either blissfully unaware of pop music or I intentionally ignore it like the plague. In fact I told my therapist the other week that I almost pathologically ignore anything that is overly popular in society, whether that’s movies, music, TV shows, or books. It’s something that may or may not be healthy. Anyway, THIS time my curiosity got the better of me & I’m glad it did. Last week the song showed up on my YouTube recommendations- which is a bit odd because I still only know a grand total of three Miley Cyrus songs, the other two being five to ten years old at this point. And I certainly don’t listen to enough other pop music to trigger the pop algorithm. But in any case, it showed up & I was intrigued- but not enough to truly check it out. HOWEVER, after seeing so much about the song on social media, I couldn’t help doing a quick Google search on it to try to better understand the popularity of the song. That was enough to get me curious again & THEN I noticed that one of my favorite YouTube channels did a reaction video to the song. Considering I have a lot in common with the musical tastes of the guys who run the channel, I decided to watch their reaction video (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r6fkvQEEGds) & thus check out the song that way. As it turns out, I was just as enthralled by the genius of the song as they were. But I’m not sure that I love it for the same reasons everyone else does (or seems to).

I see a lot of people comparing this song to Goodbye Earl by the Dixie Chicks (yeah, yeah, I know they go by simply The Chicks now but they’ll always be the Dixie Chicks to me), & while I can certainly see why that’s a tempting comparison, I’m not sure it’s actually as fitting as a lot of folks think. Now there are internet rumors that Miley filmed the Flowers video at a house where her ex-husband (Liam Hemsworth- I couldn’t have told you who her ex-husband was before last week) cheated on her with some 14 other women. While I haven’t done a deep dive, a cursory Google search tells me that Miley has explicitly stated that infidelity was NOT the reason for her & Liam’s divorce, so I’m inclined to say there’s nothing much to substantiate such rumors. Plus, if you really look at the lyrics, this to me is not actually a revenge song- & that’s why it’s so brilliant.

You see, the reason I love this song is that it encourages people (especially women) to have a healthy, fulfilling relationship with themselves first. As trite as it may sound, I truly believe that’s the only foundation for a stable, mature, fulfilling relationship with anyone else anyway. So if you don’t have that, all of your other relationships will suffer & perhaps fail altogether. I’ve never been a fan of Miley- in fact I struggle to think of her as anything other than the scantily clad girl who twerked with Robin Thicke a decade ago- but this song has made me read up on her a bit more & give her a lot more respect. For example, I think it was very insightful how she talked about her & Liam clinging to each other & jumping into marriage in the aftermath of the fire that burned down their house & realizing later that, while that may have seemed logical at the time, it didn’t actually erase all their prior issues or magically make their relationship healthy. Furthermore, I love that she acknowledges that even though their relationship wasn’t perfect, she still misses it at times. Now, isn’t that true for all of us? Whether it’s an ex-partner, a town where we used to live, or even a job, there are so many things & people in our lives that are ultimately toxic or hurtful, yet we still find ourselves missing them at times. That’s just human nature. And I think acknowledging that is incredibly important. Furthermore, Miley never tears down her ex in the song- in fact she says she forgives him for everything. Thus, I see this as a very mature way to heal from a relationship that was clearly imperfect but also very important in her life.

Now is it possible- as internet rumors tell us- that she chose the suit she wears towards the end of the video because it was Liam’s & he wore it at a movie premier where he rather cheekily told her to “behave for once”? Yes, that’s possible, & I can’t say I blame her (though, having watched the brief clip from that movie premier, I can’t totally blame him for what he said either). Is it also possible that she shows off her incredibly well toned body in the video in a sort of “Ha! See what you’re missing!” manner? Yes, that’s entirely possible also, & again, I can’t say I blame her.

While Flowers was clearly based on a romantic relationship, I would be remiss if I didn’t point out the other reason I love it so much. The beauty of art- especially music- is that it can be interpreted in multiple ways, even ways that might not have been intended by the artist. So, while I cannot relate to this song in the sense of a failed marriage, I can relate to it in other ways. When I listen to it (& inevitably sing along), I’m not thinking about an ex-husband or partner who did me wrong. Instead I’m thinking about society in general (as well as certain people in particular) who have rejected me, ignored me, or generally told me I’m not good enough, disappointing, or otherwise not up to par. As much as I sometimes long for greater acceptance by certain groups or people or society in general, at the end of the day I have to remind myself that it’s MY conscience I have to sleep with at night. And if that means that in some areas of life I will always be a bit of an outsider, well- that’s ok.

After all, “I can buy myself flowers/Write my name in the sand/Talk to myself for hours/Say things you don’t understand/I can take myself dancing/And I can hold my own hand/Yeah, I can love me better than you can.“

Now, don’t y’all worry- I haven’t gone totally soft. I’m still listening to plenty of the heavy stuff. In fact, just last night I discovered a new (to me) German metal band that I’m geeking out about. AND I’m counting down the days till I get to see Papa Roach & Falling in Reverse in a few weeks.

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A Treatise on Plastic Surgery


If it’s controversial, I’m going to write about it sooner or later- y’all should know that by now. And what could be more controversial than plastic surgery? Well, a lot actually. Nonetheless it’s definitely a topic that’s sure to raise a few eyebrows & has a lot of grey areas. There are a couple of reasons why this subject has been on my mind recently. First, I’ve seen an increase in the number of patients coming in for surgical clearance for plastic surgery at my job over the past few years. Second, I’ve seen an increasing number of my own acquaintances undergoing plastic surgery. Third, Rammstein, the infamous German metal band, recently released a new song called Zick Zack which is a critique of our society’s obsession with plastic surgery (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hBTNyJ33LWI). And yes, it’s exactly as humorous & grotesque & profound as you would expect it to be, coming from Rammstein. Last, over the past few months I’ve been trying to FINALLY finish watching the TV series New Girl (yes, I know it’s been off the air for years now), & I’m currently on season five which guest stars Megan Fox who has become something of a poster child for plastic surgery (https://mostcommonplasticsurgery.com/megan-fox-plastic-surgery-before-and-after/). There’s no denying that she’s gorgeous, but I just can’t look at her without feeling like her face screams “fake!” And when I look back at old pictures of her, she was ALWAYS gorgeous anyway. It seems a symptom of a greater disease that someone like her would feel so compelled to surgically alter her face over & over again . . .

Anyway, before I go any further, let me remind you that, as always, I speak for no one other than myself here. I make no claims to be perfect or to have special wisdom on any subject. I don’t expect, or even want, everyone to agree with me. I write these kinds of posts simply to clear my own mind & to encourage discussion & critical thinking. That’s it. Furthermore, when speaking of plastic surgery in this post I am NOT referring to the following things: plastic surgery done because of scars, burns, or other traumatic injuries; mole removals (even if done purely for cosmetic reasons); breast reductions; breast implants done in the context of breast cancer (or even in the context of an elective mastectomy to prevent breast cancer). Nor am I referring to rhinoplasty done in the context of surgery to fix other nasal problems (e.g. deviated septum). If you have to go under the knife anyway, why not get a little more out of it? I think most of us can understand that.

What I AM talking about are breast augmentation, liposuction, Brazilian butt lifts, rhinoplasty, blepharoplasty (eyelid surgery), face lifts, etc that are performed PURELY for cosmetic reasons. Now, far be it from me to deem any of these procedures right or wrong, good or evil, or to say they should be illegal. If you’re reading this & you’ve chosen to undergo one of these procedures yourself, far be it from me to judge you for it. One of my core beliefs as a libertarian is that we all own our own bodies & can & should be able to do with them as we please. If that means surgically changing them, well, that’s our right.

HOWEVER, I also think that we as a society need to think about the greater implications of these things. What kind of message are we sending our children, especially girls, when we reinforce the idea that a “perfect” body is necessary for happiness? What does it say about our society when so many adults hate their own bodies so much or feel so unhappy with them that they are willing to take on all the risks of surgery to “fix” them? And how many people undergoing these procedures actually understand all the risks they’re taking? For example, in recent years I’ve seen an increase in the number of stories about women having breast implants removed due to a myriad of health problems associated with them. Former racecar driver Danica Patrick just shared her own story about this a few days ago (https://www.si.com/extra-mustard/2022/05/04/danica-patrick-former-racer-opens-up-breast-implant-illness-instagram-post). In fact, there have been so many issues related to breast implants that they now come with a black box warning from the FDA. Does that mean I think they should be illegal? Absolutely not. But it DOES mean that women need to have a much greater understanding of the risks they’re taking. As one doctor pointed out in an article I read about this yesterday, if you’re going to have the surgery, you better make sure you have the money not just for the implantation but also to have them removed in case that becomes necessary in the future. Having them removed can be even more expensive than the initial surgery, which is something most women don’t realize.

I know a lot of people say “What’s the harm in doing something that makes you love yourself more?” No doubt that argument is very tempting. But where does it end? It’s a slippery slope if you ask me. Sure, there are things about me I’d have changed if I’d been able to construct my own face/body. But that’s not how life works. I think one of our biggest life lessons is learning to love ourselves as we are, even if the reflection in the mirror isn’t exactly what we want to see all the time. Does this mean we should never take action to lose weight or gain muscle or generally get ourselves healthier or in better shape? Absolutely not. But it does mean that we need to value ourselves for more than our physical appearance. After all, physical beauty is NOT paramount.

If you’re lived longer than about 25 years, you should know by now that external beauty is not the “be all end all” of existence. When life gets hard, you are not going to care one bit if your partner has six pack abs or DD perfectly perky breasts. That’s not to say that physical attraction isn’t important in relationships. We are animals after all- so of course it is. But we are also capable of a lot more than just animal lust. You can’t sustain a relationship long term if the only attraction is physical. (It’s entirely possible that a great example of that is playing out in the courtrooms right now with Johnny Depp & Amber Heard.) In the end, a person’s sense of humor, their goals & ambition, their compassion & empathy- these are the things that, when combined with physical attraction, will keep a relationship going for years & years. And yes, I am speaking from experience but you certainly don’t have to trust me. I think most adults will admit this. And it’s not even just about romantic relationships. Self-love that is actually sustaining & mature must necessarily be based on a lot more than just physical appearance as well. After all, the most important relationship any of us will ever have, the one that shapes & informs all of our other relationships, is the one we have with ourselves.

If I’m being perfectly honest, do I wish my stomach were as flat as it was before Rachel? (Who am I kidding- it was never perfectly flat- but it was flatter than it is now.) Yes, the truth is I do wish that. But am I going to surgically alter my body to change it? No way! Did I use a topical cream to aid in “erasing” my pregnancy stretch marks? I sure did. But that has no potential for long-term consequences. There is no inherent risk with that like there is with surgery. Do I wish my ribcage & hips would go back to their “original” dimensions (what they were pre-baby)? Yes, sometimes I do. But my husband certainly doesn’t care. And if it doesn’t affect his attraction to me, why should it affect MY attraction to me, if you know what I mean? I never want to have to tell my daughter that I surgically altered my body because I didn’t like the way it looked after it carried her. What an incredibly damaging message that would send to her! I never want her to think she ruined my body because she didn’t. And I never want her to think that she isn’t good enough exactly as she is. So if that means living with my own “less than perfect” body, so be it.

Again, this isn’t meant to demean or judge anyone who has had plastic surgery or is considering it. But I do wish people would stop & think about the long-term consequences, both physical & emotional, of these things, & the messages we’re sending to each other when these kinds of procedures are normalized. I would ask you to ask yourself- “Is this REALLY going to make me happy or am I just covering up for some greater internal self-hate that I don’t want to face? And I am willing to face the consequences if I have to have this reversed or experience complications related to the procedure?” I’m all about people making informed choices, even if they choose very differently than I would/do.

Feel free to share your thoughts on the matter. I sincerely hope this came across as nonjudgmental because that’s how I meant it. I just want to spark conversations & critical thinking about a subject that I think has become far too normalized & even celebrated as somehow being an empowering thing to do.

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