Warning: this is going to be a brain dump. This will not be my most eloquent post, nor my most uplifting. But there are so many thoughts whizzing around my brain right now that I simply must write or else risk losing my sanity (or what’s left of it).
Here lately I am constantly circling back to this same concept over & over again: I have to stop expecting myself from other people. You see, I’m what’s called an empath or a “highly sensitive” person. And with that comes the ability to self reflect, reexamine long-held beliefs, consider new ideas, & generally remain open minded about life while also being highly sensitive to the feelings & needs of others. As I’ve evolved over the years, the thing I seem to have forgotten is that a lot of folks have not been doing the same. Instead of becoming more open minded, more empathetic, & more self-reflective, a lot of people have done quite the opposite. They’ve stewed in self pity, maximized “in group” thinking, & thus it should come as no surprise that their empathy quotient- at least for anyone different than them- is basically zero.
But, you see, sometimes I forget this. I think “Well, gosh, I’ve changed my mind about so many things because of new evidence & life experiences. Surely others must have done the same.” And that right there is where I am realizing I am 100% WRONG!! Far too many people have not done the inner work to examine why they feel they way they do, why they believe what they do, nor anything of that nature. They may not be happy with where they are but they’re very content. Which is a very dangerous place to be.
I was trying to avoid politics in this post but I no longer feel like I can. The past five to ten years, especially the past five years, have been a real eye-opener for me. I guess it’s proof of white privilege that it took me that long to realize just how many racist people still exist- more specifically how many of them I actually KNOW. And it’s not just about race. It’s the general lack of empathy that I see for anyone who looks or thinks differently that shocks & appalls me on a daily basis. Between Trump’s frequently audacious statements & the open microphone that is social media, people have become very comfortable airing their dirty laundry. I mean, maybe it’s better that way, so we know who to avoid. But it’s hard not to feel like society is unraveling a bit.
Indeed if there’s anything I’ve learned over the past few years it’s that we are not nearly as civilized as we like to think we are. Our brains have not evolved to handle the 24/7 news cycle/information overload that smart phones give us, but even more than that, we simply are not as NICE as we like to think we are. When I was in school learning about slavery, the US Civil Rights era, the Holocaust, & other such atrocities, I was horrified but also vaguely comforted by the notion that we as humanity had evolved beyond such evils, that we’d never have to worry about facing such nightmares come to life again. While on a textbook level I understood how these horrible events happened, I’d never watched it with my own eyes, never heard it with my own ears, so part of me still wondered how these things could have actually happened. Simply put, how could people be so cruel?
Well, friends, I no longer have any doubts. I know exactly how these things happened & I very much fear they may happen again. When you have people constantly hating on those they find “lesser,” blaming other groups for problems that aren’t even vaguely caused by them, it’s very easy to see how hatred takes hold of people &, especially when combined with financial constraints, leads them to view other people as somehow less than human. And it’s nothing short of terrifying.
On a more personal level, I’m also just sick of expecting people to be nicer than they are. I’m not talking about my husband or closest friends or family. I have way too much self respect to tolerate the people closest to me not treating me well. But when it comes to other people, I find that I am often disappointed. So I guess it’s just high time I woke up & realized that other people frequently do not think like me. It sounds so trite but I simply have to stop expecting me from other people. Again, it’s trite but true: “If they wanted to, they would.”
Sigh. I’d like to end this on a happier note but I don’t have the energy right now. I’m sure I’ll feel better after a good night’s rest & getting back to work in the morning (which keeps me busy helping others & not wallowing in self pity). Just know that if you’re finding the world a scary, disappointing place right now, you are 100% not alone.
This post is aimed primarily at my fellow millennials, though I suspect those both younger & older will likely relate equally well. If I had to choose one word to describe my generation it would be disillusioned. This isn’t meant to be a full blown thesis on the subject, though I imagine with enough time & effort I could write one, but here’s a quick list of WHY I think so many of us millennials are disillusioned. (I’m sure I’ll think of more as soon as I hit publish.)
The impeachment of President Bill Clinton for sexual misconduct with an intern
Sept 11 – this is a BIG one that hit at a very crucial time in our lives (adolescence)!
Election scandals – starting w/ George W. Bush vs Al Gore, continuing to this day
Increased awareness of police brutality, particularly against black men
Increased awareness of persistent racism in our culture
Almost continuous economic downturns & recessions, now coupled with rampant inflation
The exposure of rampant child abuse in the Catholic church, as well as in other religious institutions
Increased awareness of sexual assault/rape (the #metoo movement)
The disappearance of manufacturing jobs from our country
Urbanization/the death of rural America
Just when we thought we’d seen enough- COVID!
Presidential elections that become more & more embarrassing every election cycle
I could go on & on but I think you get the point. All of these, & many other, events have culminated in a generation who is constantly aware that the institutions that are supposed to protect & serve are often doing the exact opposite– whether that is churches, law enforcement, schools, or government/politicians in general. The major lesson that our generation has been sent over & over & over is that institutions & the people who represent them cannot be trusted. In some ways we may be better off because of this knowledge. Theoretically it makes us less likely to be taken advantage of. But it also breeds a lot of negativity & general malaise with life. Take note, I am NOT saying we have had it harder than any other generation- but we haven’t had it EASY either, despite what some folks think.
It’s not just institutions though- it’s every day humans too. I don’t know about y’all but I am constantly disappointed in humanity. A lot of it is nonsense I see on social media which is why I’ve made a conscious effort to limit my use of social media as well as to limit what I post there, so that is doesn’t become any more negative than it already is. But sometimes, like right now, I just can’t keep my mouth shut in the face of the constant flood of absurdity.
For example, suddenly everyone is all up in arms about women’s boxing at the Olympics. And for good reason! We’ve just seen heartbreaking pictures of an Italian woman who quit a match after just one or two punches because of how brutal those punches were. But almost everyone is running with the narrative that her opponent is a transgender woman when in fact she is NOT. Her opponent has XY chromosomes & is most likely intersex. This is a very complicated issue & I have a great deal of empathy for people who are born with this extremely rare & admittedly confusing condition. I do think it is wrong to allow such women to compete against XX women as they clearly have unfair advantages over XX women. BUT calling her a man masquerading as a woman isn’t accurate either! We shouldn’t be villainizing HER. It’s totally legitimate to ask questions & fight for “justice” but we DO need to get the facts straight. And frankly, most aren’t even bothering to find out the facts in the first place! (Sighhhhhh…)
Then you’ve got the overturning of Roe vs Wade which has created all kinds of horrific situations for women who never even wanted an abortion in the first place but just had the misfortune to suffer a miscarriage or an ectopic pregnancy or some other medical complication that suddenly required an “abortion.” Just this week I read about a woman who is suing Kansas because they refused her medical treatment when she lost all of our amniotic fluid (i.e. her water broke) at just 18 weeks. Now anyone with half a brain ought to know that no baby is going to survive that. In fact by the time she got to the hospital the baby was likely already dead. She just needed a medical procedure to remove the dead baby from her body so that she wouldn’t become septic & die. But no, she had to travel hundreds of miles away to Illinois to find someone to save her life. And of course she got sicker in the process of waiting! These kinds of stories are becoming far too common. I never dreamed that I would have fewer rights than my mother or grandmother. Or that my daughter would grow up to have fewer rights than I have had. But here we are, in the United States of America, allowing women to suffer & potentially die because medically ignorant politicians, who are mostly old men, are preventing doctors from providing life saving medical care! But if you speak up about it you risk being called a “baby killer.” Appalled doesn’t even begin to cover it.
However, what is equally appalling is the absolutely insane division I see in this country where so few people have true compassion, particularly for anyone with a different point of view than themselves. Now, in real life, I find people are often a bit nicer. But online is a whole other story. It seems humanity goes out the window, the gloves are off, & we can call anyone who doesn’t agree with us all kinds of horrible things, essentially deeming them animals who aren’t deserving of love, respect, or even basic decency. This kind of division is horrifying to me because even if it’s worst online, it CAN carry over into real life. This is the ethos behind the propaganda that has been used to carry out genocides throughout history! When you erase someone’s humanity because they disagree with you, even on a serious issue, you have to ask yourself if you’re becoming the monster you’re trying to fight.
I’m not sure that there’s any real point to what I’m saying other than that I’m struggling trying to cope with so much negativity in the world. And I know I can’t be the only person feeling this way. Now I 100% believe that the world is not actually a worse place today than ever before in history. If anything, it’s probably better. We’ve come so far as humans these past few centuries- abolishing slavery, desegregating schools, legalizing inter-racial marriage, legalizing same sex marriage, granting women the right to vote, etc. But there are still some very real problems out there, yet we’ll never be any closer to solving any of them if we continue this race to the bottom of the bucket. Let’s not allow deranged politicians, polarized religious “leaders,” or misguided social commentators to convince us to throw away our humanity. They may have already discarded theirs- but we don’t have to follow suit.
I think everyone knows what a “Dear John” letter is. Well, this post will be my version of one. But it’s very different from the usual definition of such a letter. In fact it’s not really that sort of letter at all. And yet, it’s a fitting title just the same…
You see, this Sunday I found a post on social media that totally rocked my world. I found out that one of my favorite singers, whose music has meant so much to me over the years, has been accused of serious violence. No official statements have been released from him, the band, or the record label. It’s all “he said, she said” at this point- actually, it’s all “she said” because, as I said, he hasn’t spoken on it yet. Anyway, the good people of the internet (i.e. Reddit & Instagram- because this hasn’t made the “real” news yet) have managed to find court documents that prove at least some of the allegations. In fact, it seems this man has already served some jail time & done community service because of the events. It’s truly shocking in the age of the internet & social media that this kind of bombshell stayed out of the press for a solid 18 months! (The events happened that long ago but have only come to light now that the relationship ended recently.)
Of course there is a lot of context missing, some of which could change the narrative quite a lot. After all, if this was a mutually abusive relationship- both physically & emotionally- as seems likely, neither party is truly innocent. I promise I am trying so hard not to victim blame, especially since I obviously have a vested interest in finding this man innocent- or at least as innocent as is possible considering the horrific circumstances at play here. I am not going to be naming the singer, the band, or the accuser because if we’ve learned anything from the internet the past few years it’s that anything- I mean absolutely ANYTHING- can be faked or twisted into something very opposite (or at least different) from the truth. As I said, I do not want to be guilty of victim blaming, but I also don’t want to be part of ruining someone’s career or reputation if by chance it’s not actually deserved. Not that I think this post is going to get a lot of traffic- but that’s beside the point.
The real point is that I’ve always prided myself on being a good judge of character. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve predicted that a relationship would end poorly because I instinctually knew that one or both parties were somehow toxic for the other. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve predicted that a certain scenario would play out, only to find out later that that exact thing happened. I’m talking going back as far as my teenage years. I’ve just always been a keen observer of people who notices things that a lot of folks don’t. That being said, there has been a very small number of people in my life who have managed to fool me. And those few people have definitely thrown me for a loop when I’ve found out their true nature. Yet even those folks weren’t completely irredeemable- they really DID have some excellent qualities… It would really hurt me to find out I totally misjudged this man too…
Anyway, writing is my way of working through things. It’s my way of managing my emotions when they seem overwhelming, contradictory, or generally a muddle. And that’s definitely how they are right now, so without further ado…
Dear John,
I’ve followed your work for years now, almost a decade. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve read/listened to your lyrics or your interviews & thought “This man is reading my mind.” I don’t mean that literally of course- I just mean that so often you have said or written exactly what I’ve been thinking- only far more eloquently most of the time! You are one of the few rock stars I follow who I’ve truly thought would be a pleasure to know in real life. And no, it’s not because you’re beautiful. Yes, you have gorgeous hair- you even responded to my comment on Instagram one time telling me what curl cream you use- & yes, you are my weakness- you have dark hair & blue eyes, such a thrilling combination for me… But I can assure you that I am very happily married- to my own dark haired, blue eyed man! So your outer beauty truly isn’t what drew me to you. It’s your MIND that reeled me in. It’s your deep, philosophical, introspective insights into life, death, love, religion, etc. Your music has so often made me feel like I’m not alone- like there are other “crazy” people out there like me who are very hard to categorize, whose opinions can’t always be predicted, whose mind is not easily swayed by the court of public opinion- no matter what the subject is.
None of this is to say that I idolize you- I don’t. I was always taught growing up not to idolize anyone because people will always disappoint you- because we are all by definition flawed & fallible. And I’ve found that to be true. Thus, I don’t idolize people, even talented, (relatively) famous ones like you. Furthermore, it’s always seemed silly to me to idolize anyone I don’t truly KNOW. And obviously I don’t actually know you. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t admire you- & still do in many ways. After all, like you, I still believe in innocent until proven guilty. Of course it seems like in this case you HAVE been proven guilty of at least some things that are less than flattering. But I keep coming back to something else I was taught growing up. I suspect you were taught the same because the way you’ve described your background sounds an awful lot like mine- yet another reason I’ve been drawn to your music. Anyway, I was taught that there is no sin that can’t be forgiven. That no one is irredeemable. Well, in the age of cancel culture- which you’ve definitely spoken about yourself (thank you for doing so, by the way)- that idea seems to have been lost.
Now a lot of people say it’s not really cancel culture- it’s consequence culture. And to a certain extent I think that’s true. But it seems like people instantly want to paint you as the bad guy here- & I’m in no way justifying your actions- but I can’t help but think that none of us has ANY idea how we would react if put in the position you were put in. Sadly, none of us is as evolved as we think we are– as your songs have touched on. If this relationship was truly as toxic & mutually abusive as some have described, I can’t help but feel like you were a victim too. It doesn’t mean your actions were right- but reading the lyrics from your latest album, it’s obvious to me that you KNOW that, that you have dealt with a tremendous amount of guilt & regret over this situation. And I can only imagine how hard it must be to be unable to talk about it because you know that the minute you do, you’ll be crucified- because you’re the man & you’re “supposed to know/do better.”
In the age of equal rights for both genders, it still seems that many women don’t want to take any responsibility for their own toxic behavior. Or at least they think that anything they do while drunk is excusable & they shouldn’t be held responsible for it, while the opposite is true for men. And that kind of logic just doesn’t add up to me, even as a woman myself. My point of all this is that it seems to me you HAVE paid for your actions, at least somewhat. You HAVE faced the consequences. If it comes out that this was a mutually abusive relationship-call me biased because I’m sure I am, but I really do think that’s the most logical reality here- then it seems to me that you’ve already paid the price. It’s so easy to read this story & paint you as 100% the villain & her as 100% the victim, but I just can’t bring myself to believe that. Maybe I’m too invested in your work. Maybe I’ve seen too much of myself in you & I don’t want to believe I’d ever be capable of such violence- therefore I don’t want to believe it of you either.
Regardless, the point is I’m angry. I’m confused. I’m disappointed & frankly disillusioned. I thought you were one of the good guys- one of the free-thinkers, one of the “nice” rockstars who didn’t overindulge in alcohol or drugs. Who seemed to be an incredible (informal) step-father. You’ve spoken out about mental illness & your mother’s death. In doing so, you’ve helped so many people, including me, through your music. How could you have done this? I just can’t wrap my mind around you being the complete psychopath she says you are. And that I know the media is going to want you paint you as the minute they pick up on this.
But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe you’ve really fooled me too. I’ve read a lot about domestic violence over the years, partly because of my career, & it’s entirely possible that you’re exactly as evil as the circumstances initially make you seem to be. The fact is I just don’t know. I do think this is a lot more complicated than the social media judges think it is. They’ll lump me in with you the minute I say I’m not immediately burning all your CDs & merch. But it’s just not that simple. Or at least I don’t want it to be. Ultimately, what I do know is that this SUCKS because I love your music & I’m not sure I can give it up, even if you turn out to be the monster she says you are. And what does that say about me?
I guess my point is that I think we need more information & more context before burning you at the stake- though there are many who are eager to do so already. Frankly I think we need more compassion & understanding for all sides. More than anything I still want to think that you’re redeemable, that you’re not a one-sided monster with nothing positive to offer the world. If nothing else, I think there are a lot of lessons to be learned from this situation & I’m not sure that canceling you forever is the way to accomplish that. The world loves to watch people go down in flames- it makes us feel better about our own lives & mistakes. But I don’t think that’s the right approach here.
I’ve written all this to say- I’m not writing you off yet. I’m not “breaking up” with your music. It means too much to me. But please, speak up & tell us what happened. Own up to your mistakes, if for no other reason so that we can all learn from them. That way at least something positive can come out of such a negative situation. The truth is none of us is perfect. We’ve all done things we’re ashamed of, things that if they were published online could make us look like monsters. Please let this be an extremely out of character mistake, something you’ll regret forever (& not just because it will inevitably hurt your career), not a pattern of continual behavior. Please… I’m disillusioned enough with the world as it is. I don’t need anymore.
athicketofmusings 