10 Reasons Why I’m Not Throwing a First Birthday Party

It’s so hard to believe but Rachel’s first birthday is coming up in less than a month now, so inevitably I’ve been getting questions about what we’re doing for her party. Well, the answer is this: we aren’t doing a party. Not a REAL one anyway, not the kind everyone seems to be doing these days. There are a few reasons for this which I will detail below, but let me first preface this by saying I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having big (or small) birthday parties for your babies/kids, especially if it’s something you actually enjoy doing. Furthermore Rachel & I have been to two first birthday parties in the past six weeks or so & we’ve had a great time at both. And yes, part of me feels bad that I won’t be “reciprocating” by hosting a party for Rachel for her/my friends to attend. However, I really just can’t muster up the energy to throw a party, & here’s why:

The logical part of my brain- which is a big part of it- says “Why bother?” because she won’t remember or really understand any of it. Maybe that’s beside the point but I can’t erase it from my head.
I’m a serious introvert so the idea of hosting a party & having a bunch of people in my house all at one time is enough to make me want to cry. For real. I just can’t handle it. Plus our house is small & really not ideal for hosting more than a handful of folks, & there is no way I am renting a venue for a one year old’s birthday party.
http://www.themiraclejournal.com/2012/06/03/the-reunion-vs-social-anxiety/
I hate decorating. It is so not for me. Banners & balloons & all of that cutesy stuff just isn’t my cup of tea at all. Ughhh. (Can you tell I never use Pinterest?)
Rachel’s birthday is close enough to both Thanksgiving & Christmas that I figure everyone will be busy with events related to those holidays anyway. Maybe that’s just an excuse but I’m running with it.
Rachel doesn’t need any more toys or clothes. She really doesn’t need any THING at all, yet I know if we had a party people would feel obligated to bring gifts even if I specified “no gifts” on the invitation. If you’re reading this & really want to get her a birthday present, please consider just getting her a book because you can NEVER have too many books. Or there is always the option of cash or a check which we can deposit in her bank account. But really, she doesn’t need any more STUFF.
None of our family lives near us so it’s not convenient for them to come down here or for us to drive several hours to them for a party, especially when everyone will have just traveled for Thanksgiving &/or will soon be traveling for Christmas.
Parties cost money & while we are by no means poor, we aren’t making nearly as much money since I left the hospital & am only working part time at a clinic. The reduced income is totally worth it because of the time I get to spend with Rachel, but it does mean we need to be more careful with discretionary spending. And I just don’t care anywhere near enough about throwing a party to “waste” money on one. I’d rather spend that money on her one-year pictures (which we’re doing next week).
Birthdays have never been a big thing for my family or my husband’s family, so it’s just not part of our mentality to make a big deal out of birthday parties.
We love Rachel to pieces but we do not think hosting a party is a requirement to express our love for her.
I am lazy. There, I said it, so you don’t have to.

I think what we’ll end up doing for her “party” is just getting a cake when we’re visiting our families for Thanksgiving, & we can sing “happy birthday,” take lots of cute pictures, take turns cuddling & kissing her, & that will be plenty good enough for me.

Here’s Rachel in her Halloween costume which I got from a friend’s yard sale. We did not go trick or treating but I had to put her in the costume long enough to take a picture. As you can see, she was not amused by being a peacock. But she was a cute one nonetheless!

A few days ago I saw a post on Facebook about a mom who was incredibly stressed about her kid’s first birthday party. She even posted pictures of the intricately decorated cakes she had made for her older children’s first birthday parties, saying how worried she was about making another one just as perfect. I had to restrain myself from telling the woman to stop being so ridiculous & find something real to stress about. I know that sounds awful, but seriously, ladies: none of us could possibly ENJOY fretting ourselves half to death over a party for a child who is too young to really know what’s happening & certainly won’t remember it. I mean let’s be honest. These parties are 99% for the parents, not the kids. And that’s totally fine if that’s really what you want. But there are enough real things for us to worry about as moms that to add more stress to our lives by forcing ourselves to throw elaborate birthday parties is frankly just insane. I have a suspicion that a lot of moms throw these elaborate parties because they feel like they have to “keep up with the Joneses” so to speak. Well, as far as I’m concerned, if anyone judges me for not throwing a birthday party for my one year old, those are the kind of people whose friendship I am not interested in having anyway.

I guess what I’m trying to say is this: if you want to throw an elaborate party for your kid, by all means, go for it. But if it’s going to become a source of stress & frustration for you, then for goodness sake, don’t do it. I know for me it would just be stressful & annoying which is why I’m skipping the whole routine. End of story.

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Dear New Mom

Dear New Mom,

I know you’re in some ways happier than you’ve ever been, soaking up all those newborn cuddles & feeling your heart expand to give out a kind of love you never before knew possible. But I also know you’re struggling under the weight of what feels like an obnoxious burden that was thrust on you just when you needed to rest & recover from birth.

Sigh. mom guilt

Being a new mom is HARD. So hard. And what often times makes it even harder is all the people telling you exactly how ecstatic & blissful you should be. Please remember this: most of the people saying that haven’t had a newborn to care for in YEARS. They have largely forgotten how INTENSE this phase of life really is. Yes, it’s wonderful, but it’s also REALLY FREAKING HARD.

I’ll be honest with you & admit that I probably experienced a mild to moderate form of postpartum depression. I didn’t fully realize it at the time but thankfully I was already on Prozac for anxiety before & during pregnancy & was quickly switched to Zoloft after giving birth because it is considered better for breastfeeding. I believe this kept any PPD I experienced from completely devastating me. But even so, trust me I had my moments of utter despair & confusion. Moments of loneliness & uncertainty when I questioned why I had ever thought I should be a mom. Moments when I had to step out of the room & just cry or scream so that I could be sure I wouldn’t hurt my baby.

But that’s exactly what they were: moments, nothing more. They didn’t define me as a mom because I didn’t let them. Even on my worst days/nights, I somehow managed (most of the time) to give myself a little grace. That & venting to some truly wonderful friends (most of whom were already moms) is how I survived those first few weeks of motherhood that were in so many ways like one longgggg march of fatigue & confusion.

Here’s what I think you really need to hear as a new mom: it gets easier. Yes! It does! It really does! There is light at the end of the tunnel. And it may come sooner than you think. pema chodron quote 2

If you’re breastfeeding, there will come a time when you don’t spend every waking moment with a baby attached to your chest. It WILL happen. I promise. Trust me, I was so, so close to giving up so many times. But I held out largely because so many women had told me that everything would get magically easier around six weeks. And to my great surprise they were right. I made a vow to myself that if it didn’t get easier by six weeks I would quit for the sake of my own mental health, but I am eternally grateful that it did get easier. But if that isn’t true for you & you feel like you need to supplement with formula or switch to formula entirely, DO IT! A mentally stable mom is the single most important thing a baby needs, so (within reason of course) do whatever you need to do to achieve that goal.

The next time someone says “Oh, just wait till she’s crawling all over the place” or “You’re going to miss this when he’s talking back to you someday,” just smile & nod & know that that person has not one clue what they’re talking about. Or better yet, you can be braver than I am & tell them to mind their own damn business. Because the truth of the matter is you may not miss the newborn stage. And if you don’t, there is NOTHING wrong with you. I know I don’t miss it! I have only come to love my daughter more & more the older she has gotten, & I have learned that every stage has its advantages & disadvantages. Thus the best thing we can do is try to relax & enjoy each one as best we can. Easier said than done of course. motherhood-quote

The truth about motherhood, especially the newborn phase, is that it is the most intense emotional & physical experience of your life. There will be moments you love, moments you like, & moments you hate. But they’re all just that: moments. Give yourself the grace to experience every emotion that crosses your mind. And trust me, in those first few weeks every emotion known to man (or should I say woman?) will definitely strike your heart- often times many all at once, some of which may be contradictory. Just allow yourself to experience them all & remember that this will get easier. As time passes you will have more arrows in your quiver, so to speak, so even if the challenges you face seem “bigger” you’ll have more ammunition to throw at them. And you’ll have the confidence that comes from knowing you have survived every challenge you’ve faced so far. And that, my friend, is worth a lot. birth-of-mother

If you’ve made it this far, congrats! Who knows how many times you had to stop during the course of reading this to nurse your baby, make a bottle, or change a diaper? But just know this: it gets easier, it gets better, & you can do this. If I can, anyone can.

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Never Say Never

Well, it’s been forever since I blogged. Life has been a bit of a blur lately. I truly do not know how moms who work full time survive. I feel like I’m running ragged a lot of the time & I only work two days a week. Then again, being a stay at home mom is in some ways the hardest job I’ve ever had, so maybe it all evens out in the end.

http://charactercompany.com/blog/exhausted-working-mom-clipart/

Anyway, this past week was one of the hardest weeks I’ve experienced since becoming a mom. I gave Rachel cheese twice last weekend & discovered the hard way that she is most likely not yet over her dairy intolerance. Thankfully she can handle me eating dairy now (mainly just cheese & butter as I’ve found I actually prefer soy milk & soy yogurt). In addition to that her acid reflux seems to have made a comeback- AND she got two new teeth. Needless to say the poor girl was downright miserable! I ended up taking her to the doctor last Monday & we have restarted her Zantac which thankfully is really helping. The doctor also told me to bump up her ibuprofen dose due to her weight, & that too has helped tremendously. mommy luxuries

Anyhow, with everything going on with her, Rachel became extremely clingy last week, moreso even than when she was a newborn. I could not get her to nap anywhere other than in my arms & the second I put her down she would explode in tears & screaming fits. I felt so bad for her but I was also losing my mind. Part of being an introvert is that I get touched out really easily. This was never really a problem before Rachel was born, but it’s something I knew would be a struggle for me as a mom. And last week I just reached a breaking point. introverts cats

I have said for months I would never do cry it out (CIO) but after four days of her napping nowhere other than my arms (or a few minutes in the car) I just couldn’t take it anymore. I talked to several friends whom I really respect as moms & they all told me that there were times when they let their babies CIO for various reasons. I finally came to a place where I knew that my mental health was being negatively affected by not trying CIO- & that was negatively affecting my ability to be a loving, nurturing mother. Furthermore, I realized that as long as I could be sure that Rachel wasn’t hungry, wet/dirty, or in serious pain, it wouldn’t truly hurt her to let her cry for a few minutes, especially if it was for the sake of allowing me some precious alone time to mentally recharge. Additionally I know that Rachel naps great for the babysitter when I work, & she obviously isn’t napping in her arms every time. There have been a few “speed bumps” but for the most part every time I’ve tried CIO Rachel has only cried for a maximum of about five minutes before falling asleep, usually only two or three minutes. And she is napping longer than she did in my arms because she’s achieving a deeper sleep! I am still happy to let her fall asleep in my arms at bedtime because I do love the cuddles (& she’ll actually stay asleep when I put her down at night- I guess because she’s tired enough by then), but I truly do need her naptime to have some alone time to mentally recharge & keep myself sane. introvert fish

To be clear, prior to last week I never felt I needed to do any sort of real sleep training with Rachel because she has for the most part always been a good sleeper. We have a great routine for bedtime & other than when she’s teething she has never fought naps too hard (with the notable exception of four months when she was just grumpy a lot, but back then she would fall asleep while I wore her in the carrier & she’d actually stay asleep when I put her down in the crib). I certainly don’t think every parent should try CIO, & that’s not even really what this post is about. introvert mom

What I’m really trying to say is that as moms we should probably never say never because we’ll inevitably eat those words someday. And more importantly, we as moms have to advocate for our own mental health. Sometimes that means doing things we’d ideally rather not do. For some moms this means giving up breastfeeding, while for some of us it means trying CIO when we would much rather not. For some it may mean going back to work part or full time despite having planned to be a SAHM. I have great respect for moms who don’t get touched out as easily as I do. Trust me, many times I wish I were one of them! But at the end of the day I’m a saner mom if I don’t let Rachel sleep on me constantly. And a saner mom is ALWAYS a better mom who is more capable of providing the loving, nurturing care that her child needs. And at the end of the day, that is all that really matters.

I can’t end this post without saying thank you to all the moms who have supported & encouraged me from day one, especially those who messaged me last week when I was truly struggling. Y’all are the best. I really does take a village!

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So What if I Don’t Love the Baby Stage?

There is something about Russian classical music that speaks to my heart in a way that nothing else can. I’m listening to Rimsky-Korsakov’s Russian Easter Festival Overture as I’m typing this, & I swear my mood lifted within the first ten seconds of the song. I actually played this piece in my high school marching band a little over a decade ago, & I’m not sure what made me think of it today but I am so glad I did. If you’re having a rough day (or a great one for that matter), take a few moments to listen to this gorgeous piece & allow its beauty to enrapture your soul.

Now that I’m a little more sane I just wanted to write that today I am struggling, struggling with motherhood & just with life in general. There are days when I feel like there just isn’t enough of me to give, & this is one of them. I’m not sure why I’m feeling this way today, but I am, & that’s all that really matters. Actually it’s probably because Rachel has been fighting sleep all day long & is FINALLY napping for more than about 20 minutes which is why I’m taking advantage of this time to try to clear my mind.

Lavendar hanging from an old vintage door, room for copy space

Anyway, it’s days like this when I get so frustrated with all the people who constantly tell me Rachel is such an easy baby. I know they mean well & in many ways maybe she is an easy baby, but the truth of the matter is there ARE no easy babies. All babies are challenging! And maybe, just maybe, they’re a little more challenging when you don’t have any family nearby & you had no real experience with babies prior to being a mom & you have your own preexisting anxiety issues, as is the case for me. I’m not looking for sympathy here. I’m just saying it’s really frustrating when people tell me my baby is so easy because then when I find myself struggling, like today, I inevitably start wondering what’s wrong with me & how I’ll ever manage if I have another baby someday who is actually “difficult.” motherhood-quote

People also frequently tell me that I’m going to miss these days in the not so distant future. But the truth of the matter is I’m not so sure I will. And of course that makes me wonder if I’m a bad mom. But I’ve jut never been a baby/toddler person & being a mom hasn’t really changed that. Trust me, I love my daughter more than life itself, but I don’t think the baby/toddler stage will ever be my favorite. So in the future when she is older if I don’t find myself longing for these days, is that really such a bad thing? I don’t think so. guilt

Well, that’s all I’ve got today. I’m just trying to clear my mind so I can be more rational once Rachel wakes up again. I also figured maybe there is another mom out there somewhere who is struggling & wondering if she’s inadequate because she isn’t totally loving the baby stage. If so, please know you’re not alone, & you’re not a bad mom. Some women are baby people & some of us aren’t. And neither is better than the other. We just are. Lastly, I’d like to send a huge thank you to all the moms who frequently take the time to encourage me & remind me that I’m doing a good job, even when I sometimes feel like I’m just not up to par. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I hope someday I can encourage other moms the way y’all have done for me.

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Why American Parents are So Unhappy

Let me preface this post by saying I am far from a parenting expert. I only have one child & she is all of 4.5 months old. Clearly I am not the most experienced mom on the block, & while it’s very true that parenting is one of those things you can’t REALLY learn until you actually do it, I do think the fact that I pondered motherhood long & hard for several years before making the choice to actually become a mom has served me very well. What I’m saying is I spent a lot of time observing parents I know as well as parents I see out in public & really trying to learn everything I could about the experience before jumping into it myself. And I truly think that has benefited me greatly as a new mom.

http://charactercompany.com/blog/exhausted-working-mom-clipart/

With all that being said, I think I’ve hit upon at least one reason why American parents are by & large so unhappy. Or maybe unhappy is the wrong word . . . Perhaps I should say dissatisfied & overly stressed. In any case, it’s pretty obvious to me that a large percentage of American parents these days are frankly not enjoying parenthood the way they probably hoped they would. While there is no question that being a mom is the hardest “job” I’ve ever had, I can honestly say I’m enjoying it a lot MORE than I thought I would. Maybe that’s just because I was so hesitant about being a mom for so many years that it’s still somewhat shocking to find myself truly embracing this role. But maybe it’s also because I’ve chosen to shirk a lot of the modern parenting trends. Print

**Disclaimer: this post was written with two-parent households in mind. I cannot even begin to speak to the single parent experience.

What it boils down to is this: American parents are trying to do way too much. We are killing ourselves trying to “have it all.” We are stretched so thin that we have nothing left to give. Furthermore we are allowing our children to rule the home which is obviously ludicrous! What all this leads to is zero time/energy for ourselves which inevitably leads to exhaustion & burnout. children-work-quote

This is just my opinion of course, but here’s what I think is the secret to enjoying parenthood & not being overwhelmed by stress: stop trying to be superwoman (or superman, for the guys reading this)! Your kids do not need to be involved in every extracurricular activity known to mankind. They do not need to have every fancy new toy that comes on the market. (And god forbid you should work overtime to try to purchase such gadgets!) Our children will not die if they don’t have the latest pair of Jordans or whatever other name brand clothing is all the rage at the moment. They also won’t be doomed for failure if you don’t bring them their homework every time they leave it at home.

Furthermore, our children should learn to entertain themselves for at least a few minutes a day once they reach the age that this is physically & psychologically possible. Additionally we must find ways to nourish our own souls. My daughter is absolutely the best thing that has ever happened to me, but that doesn’t mean I don’t cherish my alone time when she is napping or when my husband is watching her while I shower or go to the gym, etc. And I do not feel guilty for that at all because I know that I am a better mom when I am mentally & emotionally healthy, & that requires a certain amount of “me time.” rat race

I think most parents today are trying way too hard to give their children a “perfect” life. I’ve got news for you: that perfect life doesn’t exist. It’s natural to want better for our children than we had ourselves- but it shouldn’t come at the cost of our own mental health. Life isn’t fair or easy & while I certainly don’t think we should just throw our children to the wolves, they do need to learn that the world doesn’t revolve around them. It’s pretty obvious that children who learn this from an early age are actually much happier anyway! spoiled child

Furthermore, as unpopular as it is to say this, I truly believe your spouse/partner needs to be at least as much of a priority as your kids, if not more so. I’m not by any means suggesting you should ignore your children for the sake of your spouse, but I do believe a lot of families are falling apart because the parents put their children first ALL the time to the point that they have zero energy left for each other. Considering how much research has shown that a stable family provides so many wonderful benefits to children (duh!), it’s obvious to me that as difficult as it sometimes is I need to ensure my relationship with my husband stays as strong as it was before our daughter entered our lives. duck parenting cartoon

That being said, we have not had a “date” or any true alone time since she was born, but I honestly don’t think that’s what matters. What really matters is that we talk to each other about our day to day feelings & experiences, & we make a consistent effort to help each other out with parenting & around the house chores. Equally important, we thank each other frequently for doing so. The point is that we know that Rachel will benefit so much from growing up in a stable home with two loving parents so we know our relationship needs to be a high priority in our lives. Not to mention, someday she will grow up & move out & we don’t want to be left feeling like strangers in our own home! It’s so easy to get wrapped up in our roles as parents that we forget our roles as partners, but I truly think it’s crucial that we as parents do not allow our relationships to falter. Yes, there are all kinds of new challenges that parenthood brings to a relationship, no doubt, but that doesn’t have to mean disaster if we can learn to navigate these challenges as a team. mom guilt

Ok, end rant. I sincerely hope I haven’t sounded self-righteous or like I think I’m some kind of omniscient supermom. In reality I’m just a normal mom trying to ride the waves of parenthood as they come at me. There are plenty of days when I question whether I’m doing the right thing & find myself feeling overwhelmed or inadequate. I know Rachel is never going to have a perfectly themed birthday party or a gorgeous baby book. She is never going to have a perfectly decorated nursery or bedroom. I’m just not that kind of mom. But at the end of the day I remind myself that she is fed, clothed, warm, & most importantly loved, & that is really all she needs. Furthermore, my husband & I are finding ways to maintain our relationship despite living several hours away from both of our families & not having any real alone time, & I know this will serve us & our daugher well for years to come.

In conclusion, the most important thing we can give our children is our time. As parents, if we cut ourselves out of the rat race & just focus on spending time with our children, I think we will find that we (& are children) are much happier.

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The Negative Emotion-Guilt Complex: Mom Edition

Woah, I’ve been wanting/needing to write for a couple weeks now but between working two days a week & caring for an increasingly needy & grumpy baby there has simply been zero time for blogging. I am desperately hoping I can get enough out in these few minutes while Rachel is sleeping to clear my mind & try to save my sanity. Warning: this will definitely not be an eloquent post. It will most likely just be word vomit. But I’m not writing this for anyone else; I’m writing it to try to save myself from my own mind.

One thing I’ve learned very quickly about motherhood is that it makes your flaws become glaringly obvious- at least to yourself. And I have long been aware that my greatest flaw is feeling guilty for any kind of “negative” emotion (e.g. frustration, sadness, jealousy, anger, etc). I thought I had made a great deal of progress on this issue but being a mom has been made realize how much more work I have to do. Furthermore, I swore up & down I wouldn’t let myself become a victim to “mom guilt” but damn if I am not just as vulnerable to it as everyone else!

The first six weeks of Rachel’s life were undoubtedly the most difficult to date. But the past two to three weeks have also been extremely challenging, perhaps more so in some ways because I had gotten used to her being so happy most of the time. Between teething & being in the middle of a huge developmental leap, Rachel has become extremely grouchy the past few weeks. And because she naps so little these days I think that is making things even more difficult for her & thus for me as well. Everyone tells me I’m so lucky that she has started sleeping through the night more often than not, but frankly things were much easier for me when she was waking up once or twice at night to eat but then napped more & was in a MUCH better mood during the day. Besides, just because she is sleeping eight to ten hrs straight a lot of nights doesn’t mean I am. I’m still getting up to pump, not to mention I’ve never been the kind of person who can sleep more than about five hrs straight anyway. (Hell, even as a kid I remember waking up at least once or twice most nights.) In any case I’d gladly sacrifice some sleep to have my happy baby back.

Anyway, the point of all this is that I am really struggling right now. For the first time in my life I am actually jealous of moms who work full time because they aren’t stuck at home with a screaming infant more than two or three days a week (not all day anyway). And for the first time since giving birth I am truly missing my pre-mom life. By no means do I regret becoming a mom of course, but at the same time I do miss the freedom I had to go out & do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted (within reason of course). I knew I was going to lose that when I became a mom but honestly I didn’t start missing that freedom until these past few weeks when Rachel has become so grumpy that even going to the grocery store has become a serious challenge. Not to mention I miss my alone time when no one needed anything from me. It’s so hard being needed ALL the time . . .

Here’s the thing: Rachel has in many ways been a pretty “easy” baby. Once she got over the ridiculous cluster feeding she did for much of the first six weeks, she has been, all things considered, a pretty happy, “simple” baby. And compared to some babies, maybe she still is. But see, half my problem is that I’m constantly feeling guilty for being frustrated because I know that “so many women have it worse.” In case it isn’t obvious, this leads to a serious boatload of guilt because I’m constantly feeling guilty for “complaining” or feeling overwhelmed when I know that others are facing “bigger” struggles.

But the truth of the matter is there are no easy babies! As a dear & wise friend said to me today “Someone basically handed you a tiny stranger & said ‘Here you go; she can’t communicate either but good luck figuring out everything she needs while you have no time for yourself & are coming to the end of your rapidly fraying rope.'” Amen! Furthermore, constantly telling myself I should be grateful because others “have it worse” is incredibly unhealthy. I thought I’d matured enough to realize that there are no negative emotions: there are just emotions & then there’s what we do with them, the latter being what really matters. But apparently I am still struggling with this as much as ever. The truth is, especially as new moms, we can & do experience a multitude of emotions all at once. And it’s ok to feel overwhelmed, frustrated, angry, & jealous while also being grateful & in love with the tiny human you’ve created. In fact it’s not just ok, it’s NORMAL.

It also occurred to me today that I’m doing something that almost no one in my family has ever done. I’m living in an urban area & one that is several hours away from my family as well as my husband’s family- & trying to raise a baby to boot! To be clear, I’m not saying I’m better than my family because of this, not at all. I’m just saying raising a baby is never easy but it’s probably even harder when you don’t have anyone who is “obligated” to help you who is close by & can babysit for you or just help out on a regular basis, even just for 20 minutes so you can clear your mind. That being said, I am very glad to live where we do & to raise Rachel in a different environment than that in which we were raised, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t come with its own unique challenges.

It has also occurred to me lately that my husband & I haven’t had any true alone time together (as in away from the baby) since Rachel was born other than a quick trip to Target when she was a few days old & my parents were in town. And that hardly counts! Not to mention the amount of true alone time I have had is incredibly small. And as an introvert alone time is not just precious to me, it’s crucial. So no wonder I’m feeling a bit frazzled!

One of my friends in college told me several times that I’d make a great Jewish mother because I always had so much guilt, most of which was completely baseless. Unfortunately he was right, & unfortunately I haven’t made as much progress on this issue as I thought I had. However, my hope is that writing all of this will help me to remember that whatever I’m feeling right now is valid. Just because my situation is “easier” than some others doesn’t mean it’s easy. And it’s ok for me to be frustrated & tired & even angry sometimes. In reality I’ll be a much better mom if I can just be honest about how I’m feeling & stop feeling guilty about it. Because as long as I’m constantly stuck in a quagmire of guilt, I’m not actually processing my emotions– & that’s a recipe for disaster. And I’ll be damned if my daughter grows up to feel guilty for every so-called “negative” emotion she experiences! So that means I need to stop this guilt train right now & just admit that this stage is hard but that doesn’t make me a bad mom or a bad person. It just makes me a human being.

Anyway, I’ve written all that to say this: I’m in over my head. But I’m doing the best I can & I know this phase Rachel is going through right now is exactly that: it’s a phase which means, by definition, it will pass. I’m reminded of the phrase “It may pass painfully like a kidney stone but it will pass.”

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I Love My Baby But I Hate My Stretch Marks

I’m not sure if anyone checks this blog regularly enough to wonder why I’ve been so absent for a good month or more now, but in any case the reason is that I started my new job a few weeks ago so between that & the everyday adventures of caring for a baby I’ve been a bit busy. I’m only working two days a week which is perfect for me because it gives me just enough time away from Rachel to really miss her but not so much that I feel like I’m really missing out on these momentous days of her early life. 'I can't even get rid of my own stretch marks. Any other wishes?'

Anyhow, I’ve been coming across a lot of articles lately about loving your postpartum body & learning to embrace your stretch marks & less than flat tummy, yada, yada, yada. Maybe it’s because Spring just started & thus we’re coming up on bikini season but I for one am struggling a bit with loving what I see in the mirror lately. Logically I know I am doing about as well as I could hope considering I’m just under 4 months postpartum & I’ve lost, depending on the day, all but 3-5 lbs of my baby weight. I’m going to the gym on the weekends when my husband can watch Rachel, & I’m taking walks around the neighborhood at least three days a week. I’m even lifting weights at home occasionally, though I could definitely step up that game a bit more. Furthermore my husband certainly doesn’t seem to have a problem with my postpartum body.

'I seem to have lost the body I had before I had children.'

In reality, I don’t look THAT different, especially in clothes. But things definitely fit differently these days, that’s for sure.

But no matter what logic tells me, every time I see the stretch marks on my not so flat tummy I’m less than thrilled. Please don’t take this to mean I don’t appreciate my daughter; without a doubt she is worth every stretch mark a thousand times over. But that doesn’t mean I have to love them. Unless these “tiger stripes” fade considerably (which I know they probably will with time) I’m quite sure I’ll never feel comfortable enough with my body to wear a bikini again, at least outside of my fenced-in backyard. To be clear, feeling comfortable wearing a bikini in public is not high on my priority list. But I have to be honest & admit that every time I see a picture of a mom with a flat stomach & no stretch marks, I feel a pang of envy. And I’m not talking about celebrity moms because I’m perfectly aware that they are not living realistic lives. I’m talking about moms I actually know.

It totally is but that doesn’t mean I like my stretch marks.

I know the body positivity movement tells me I should embrace my “imperfections” & part of me wishes I could. Even though I’ve never worn much makeup or been terribly interested in fashion I have always valued looking decent. To be clear, I’ve never been one to expect myself to look like Victoria’s Secret models or movie stars or anything like that because I’ve always realized most of their pictures are highly photoshopped anyway, not to mention they don’t exactly live “normal” lives like we plebeians do. Nonetheless I have to admit I’m not as happy with the way my body currently looks as I’d like to be. Now this isn’t a huge deal; it’s not something that’s seriously affecting my overall happiness or life satisfaction or anything. After all, with Rachel around I have more reasons to smile than I ever have. And being annoyed by stretch marks certainly isn’t going to stop me from having another baby someday if/when I decide the time is right.

HA!!!

Before anyone tells me I’m being selfish & that thousands of women would be happy to have my body (either because they’re significantly bigger than me or because they’re struggling with infertility- or both), yes, I am perfectly aware that all of this is a bit superficial, & trust me I do feel guilty for thinking about this enough to bother writing about it.

But even so I admit I wish I liked my postpartum body more than I do.

I’m not really sure what the point of all this is other than to clear my mind a bit. But I’m sure I can’t be the only mom out there feeling this way, right?

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The Reality of Mom Life

This blog post has been two days in the making. Actually longer than that because I came down with the stomach bug from HELL this weekend & am just today feeling more or less like a normal human being again. I would seriously take pneumonia or the real flu (you know, the respiratory one) over the stomach bug ANY day of the week. I know some people say “But the flu lasts a week; the stomach bug is just 24-48 hrs.” HA! Maybe for some folks but for me it’s always taken 3-4 days minimum to truly recover from a stomach bug, & it was MUCH harder this time because I was breastfeeding & caring for a 12 week old baby the entire time. Thank goodness for my husband for helping to care for me & Rachel & for my parents for coming down on Monday to help me when my husband had to go back to work. It’s been my nightmare ever since Rachel was born that I would come down with a stomach bug. Well, it happened. And it sucked. Royally. But I lived to tell the story. Which brings me to the point of this post. Lavendar hanging from an old vintage door, room for copy space

Motherhood is a lot of things. At moments it is the most glorious, wonderful thing I’ve ever experienced. At other times it’s so incredibly hard that I wonder what I was thinking getting into this. The good news is, as the weeks have passed, the former moments far outweigh the latter moments. And I’ve learned that I am SO MUCH STRONGER than I ever thought possible. So in honor of that I thought I’d post some of the realities of being a mom, at least for me, many of which are really quite humorous. If you’re a mom I think you’ll find yourself smiling & nodding along. If you’re not, hopefully this post will make you want to join the club. Or not; that’s a totally acceptable choice as well! motherhood-quote

(FYI, I used feminine pronouns throughout this post simply because my baby is a girl so it was just easier for me that way . . . Also, this post is most applicable to moms with infants. As I only have one child myself, who is just 12 weeks old, I obviously can’t yet speak to motherhood beyond this point.)

Being a mom means . . .

Learning to do almost anything & everything one-handed. This includes cooking, cleaning, using the bathroom, signing for pizza delivery, texting, typing, etc, etc. The list could go on forever!
As soon as you finish laundry for the day the baby will have a poop-splosion (i.e. an explosion of poop) that soils her entire outfit & possibly yours as well. So then you have to decide if you want to hand-wash everything or run the washing machine for just a handful of items. Usually I go with the former & figure I’m getting a taste of what motherhood must have been like for my great-grandmothers in the days before washing machines.
As soon as you take the burp rag away thinking for sure the baby won’t spit up on you, that is the exact moment the baby will spit up on you.
As soon as you change the baby’s diaper, get her outfit on her, & put her down for a nap or to play in her bouncy seat, that is exactly when she will have yet another poop. Babies are not economical or efficient. But they are born with a sarcastic streak, I swear! I know mine has one . . . But then again, how could she not with parents like me & my husband?
Googling everything under the sun at all hours of night & day, scouring the interwebs for any sign that whatever “strange” or annoying thing your baby is doing is normal . . . or for how in the world to make her STOP CRYING?!
And eventually figuring out that, despite all of your doubts, you really are the expert on your own child. After a while you recognize patterns & pick up on cues that in the early days were all just a mysterious blur. And when you realize how far you’ve come you feel like a TOTAL ROCK STAR. And you are!!
Never eating a full meal in one sitting (or at least very rarely) because the baby always needs something as soon as you sit down to eat. You soon get used to either eating cold food or reheating things a bunch of times.
Taking the fastest showers of your life because you’re scared to death the baby will explode while she’s out of your sight . . . until you realize she actually won’t & you WILL hear her crying over the sound of the water . . . So then you start taking longer & longer showers just to have some time to yourself.
Making up excuses to drive places just because the baby loves her carseat & takes some of her best naps while you’re in the car.
Loving & appreciating your own mom more than ever because you realize just how amazing she truly is.
Feeling a sudden, however slight, connection to every mom you meet just because you know you share so many of the same daily struggles & delights.
Being willing to make career changes you never considered before becoming a mom. For some this means becoming a stay at home mom. For others it means changing careers completely or going part time. For me it has meant leaving hospital nursing to pursue part time clinic work. (I was originally planning to go back to the hospital part time but decided the schedule as well as the hectic, often stressful shifts there just didn’t fit with my priorities anymore. That’s a whole other blog post that I’ll get around to writing eventually.)
Experiencing a love like you’ve never experienced before. It really is indescribable.
Loving (& often missing) sleep more than ever. I’ve almost always been wise enough to choose sleep over housework or any other task when I know I really need sleep . . . And I know I’m saner for it. Trust me, if you have any doubt, the best choice is always sleep. Husbands, moms, dads, & friends can all help with housework or caring for the baby. But none of them can sleep for you.
Learning to love your body for what it can DO as well as how it looks. It means learning to embrace your “flaws” & knowing that even if your stomach is never quite as flat again (Who am I kidding? Mine was never super flat anyway.) & even if the stretch marks never fully fade away, you’d still choose your precious child over your old body a thousand times over.
Learning to give yourself a lot of grace. I learned very fast that there were certain things I just wasn’t going to be able to do as a mom, at least as a new mom. For example, using cloth diapers is just not going to happen any time soon. I need my sanity, & there is no way I could handle all the work that comes with cloth diapering & stay sane right now. It also means learning to forgive yourself when you find yourself getting frustrated & angry with your own child sometimes. We have to learn that none of us is perfect & we all have our less than stellar moments, but it’s all just part of the journey.
You can’t watch/read the news without feeling like your heart is going to break. Every tragedy in the world is suddenly magnified a thousand times because you realize that was someone’s BABY who was hurt/killed. So, if you’re like me, you decide to filter most news through your husband & friends & otherwise be the proverbial ostrich with its head in the sand.
Every time you start to think about having another baby in the future, something happens & you’re convinced there is no way you could ever handle more than one child. At least not for another 3 or 4 years. But then you worry that if you separate your kids that much they won’t be “close.” But then you remember that having them close together in no way guarantees that they will be close to each other, just as having them further apart in no way guarantees they WON’T be. Basically when it comes to having kids there are no guarantees. Ever. Which brings me to my final point . . .
Being a mom means learning to laugh at the chaos, to “roll with the punches,” to take whatever life throws at you & find a way to not only survive but thrive. As I said at the beginning, being a mom means learning that no matter how hard things get, you somehow find the strength to keep on trucking because you are SO MUCH STRONGER than you ever thought possible.
Considering my husband is a geneticist by trade, our daughter may very well say this to us someday. Ha!

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The Best Baby Gear You Actually Need

Despite developing preeclampsia at 38 weeks, overall I was blessed to experience a relatively easy pregnancy, physically anyway. Mentally it was a bit more difficult at times but I survived. In any case, one of the more stressful/annoying things about pregnancy for me was trying to figure out what baby gear to buy. I don’t know about y’all but the sheer amount of options for every thing known to man was just overwhelming to me. Who knew there could be dozens of different options for something as (seemingly) simple as a bottle? Or a pacifier? Not to mention the more complex items like strollers & carseats! I’m so thankful that my husband helped me narrow down our options with those bigger purchases because if it had been left totally to me I’m not sure we’d have ever gotten them. Just kidding; I’d have eventually made a decision of course. However, since baby gear was something about which I had zero previous knowledge my normally decisive self was left floundering a bit. Thus having his support was very helpful. baby-gift-regsitry

Anyhow, I thought it might be useful/fun to share my picks for the best baby gear that you actually NEED & might want to put on your registry. I also want to give a huge thank you to one of my dearest friends who helped me set up my registries. I’d have been lost without her suggestions!

Carseat: Obviously you need a carseat. You can’t even legally leave the hospital without one! We chose the Chicco Keyfit 30 & have been very pleased with it. My husband did the installation in our cars & he said it was very easy & straightforward. Rachel apparently loves this carseat because she always falls asleep every time she’s in it for more than about 10 minutes.
Stroller: For our stroller we chose the Chicco Activ3 Jogging Stroller & again have been very pleased with it. The Chicco Keyfit 30 carseat fits into it perfectly which is a huge plus. This stroller has great suspension & can definitely be taken “off road.” Again, I think Rachel must like it because she always falls asleep in it on our walks around the neighborhood.
Burp rags: Doesn’t really matter what brand/style you buy; just be sure you have at least 4 or 5 of them. I’ve found that keeping one in every major room of the house (nursery, master bedroom, & living room) & in the diaper bag is a huge help. That way there is always one handy whenever I need it.
Baby carrier: At the recommendation of the aforementioned friend, I chose the Lille Baby 360 6-position carrier. I’ll admit I didn’t use it much in the first few weeks because Rachel was a little small for it. However, since she was about 3 weeks old this thing has been a lifesaver. When she’s having a fussy spell, quite often strapping her in this thing is an almost instant fix. (And because my hands are free I can move around & cook or do laundry or type a blog post or just about anything I need/want to do!) This carrier adjusts easily to fit both me & my husband, & it has great lumbar support which will be even more important as Rachel gets bigger & bigger. I’ve been using it to take her on walks around the neighborhood with Chaucer (our corgi). She always falls asleep on our walks & it’s good exercise for me too.
Rachel is in there, I promise.
Bouncer: My mom bought me ours & it’s something that Rachel is starting to really enjoy now that she’s moving her arms around a lot & starting to explore the world a bit more. I think she’s going to love it even more as she gets older. The vibration feature is soothing also. This isn’t the exact print we have but it’s the same seat.
Rock & Play: I am so incredibly grateful that just a few days before Rachel was born my mom told me that a coworker of hers swore by the Fisher Price Deluxe Rock & Play for helping her baby to sleep. It has been a total lifesaver since Rachel has been not so fond of her Pack & Play for sleeping. Plus with her reflux issues the rock & play is perfect for keeping her head elevated a bit. I love that it’s portable so it can easily be carried from room to room throughout the day. I’ve found that if I keep her in it right beside the bed, I can lie on my side & gently rock her to sleep.
Pacifiers: I never bought one before Rachel was born because I had this big idea that I wasn’t going to use one. As it turns out Rachel was one of those babies who was basically born with her thumb in her mouth. In fact she has her fingers in her mouth in the very first picture I have of me holding her not long after birth! At first I was afraid to try one because of the whole “nipple confusion” issue, but once my lactation consultant told me she felt Rachel (& I) would benefit from one, I decided to go for it. She recommended the Soothie brand. I had mixed results with that one so I ended up buying a bunch of different brands at WalMart & experimenting until I found one that she really seems to like. I can’t wait to get the MAM brand which I ordered on Amazon at the recommendation of several friends. (The stores around here kept being sold out of those which is perhaps a sign that they really are good.)
This was the first picture taken of me & Rachel after birth. If you look closely, you can see she already had her fingers in her mouth.
Diapers: While I was pregnant I had a vague idea that I might try cloth diapers for the sake of being more environmentally friendly. I knew it was unlikely that I’d follow through with it but it was still something I hoped I’d do. Once Rachel arrived & the reality of caring for a newborn set in, I realized this idea was nothing more than that, an idea. I’ve found that I really like the Pampers diapers with the line that changes color when they’re wet. Eventually I’d like to try to switch to biodegradable diapers but for right now I’m definitely going to use up all the Pampers & other ones we’ve been given. As a new parent I’m learning you have to give yourself a lot of grace because you just can’t do everything, & this is definitely one of those things.
Wipes: Following right along from the previous subject, obviously you will need plenty of wipes. We’ve found that the giant packs of wipes that Sam’s Club sells are a good deal & work plenty well. We don’t have a wipe warmer & while I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having one I also think it’s far from a necessity. If someone gives you one or you aren’t working on a limited budget, go for it. Otherwise I think it’s something you can safely skip.
Boppy: If you’re even just THINKING about breastfeeding, be sure to get a Boppy pillow. These things are so genius. I love mine so much that I ended up buying a second one (the first one was a gift) so I could have one for the nursery & one for the living room (or to take on trips out of the house). Even if you don’t end up breastfeeding, the Boppy is still a great tool for tummy time & helping your baby learn to sit up.
Diaper bag: I actually ended up with 2 diaper bags because I bought one myself & then received one as a gift. I purchased this Skip Hop backpack diaper bag because I liked that it was a backpack & also pretty gender neutral. It’s a little small but so far has been perfect. If/when I need more room I’ll use the larger one my sister in law gave me.
Halo sleepsack: I’m so grateful that my aforementioned friend recommended these to me because they have been a lifesaver. In the hospital Rachel was already a little ninja, breaking out of her swaddle constantly. With this zip-up version of the sleepsack, you have the option to swaddle with arms in or arms out. I’ve found that Rachel really likes to sleep with one arm in & one arm out. No wonder she was breaking out of her swaddle in the hospital; she wanted to have one arm up!
See? She really does like to sleep with one arm in & one arm out.
Clothes: All I need to say about this subject is that you will almost certainly end up with way more baby clothes than you’ll ever need. I know everyone says not to buy too many newborn outfits because babies outgrow them so fast, but I would recommend getting at least 3 or 4 newborn outfits (unless maybe your doctor/midwife has already told you to expect a very large baby) for the first few weeks/month. I think I only bought one newborn outfit before Rachel was born & because she ended up being on the smaller side (6 lbs 12 oz & 18.5″ long) everything else was way too big for her, so we ended up using the same outfit over & over until we could get to WalMart to buy some new ones.
Sound machine: I have always slept with a fan for as long as I can remember so when I was in the hospital I was thrilled to find that they had sound machines which made up for not having my fan for white noise. I fell in love with the ocean waves option & was thrilled when a friend of mine from work bought me a sound machine with an ocean waves option. I’ve found that sleeping with that & the fan makes for excellent white noise that both Rachel & I find soothing. You can get perfectly adequate but inexpensive sound machines at WalMart but if you don’t feel like buying one there are plenty of free white noise apps you can download on your phone (try White Noise Baby).
Washcloths/hooded towels: As with burp rags it doesn’t really matter what kind you get. Just be sure to have several of each.
Thermometer & bulb suction: Again, the brand/type doesn’t really matter for these items, as far as I’m concerned but they’re definitely items you’ll want to have around if/when your baby inevitably gets sick.
Breast pump: When it came to buying a breast pump, I was totally clueless so I did what any new millennial mom does & queried my Facebook friends asking for recommendations. By far the most popular choice was the Medela In Style so I went with that one. I ended up having to buy larger flanges because the standard size provided with the pump were a little small for me (thanks to my awesome lactation consultant from Emerald Doulas for recommending the larger flanges) but otherwise the pump has proved to be an excellent choice. It’s easy to use & clean & very portable. The bag is awesome too because you can carry it around without it being obvious what it is.
Changing table/pad: I don’t have a link to the exact changing pad/table we have because I bought ours off of Craig’s List so I’m not sure of the exact brand/style. In any case I love that it’s basically a chest of drawers also because it has tons of storage space underneath the changing table part. I’ve been able to store all of our diapers, baby bathing supplies, lots of blankets, etc in the cabinet areas. Also considering how much time we spend changing diapers it’s nice to have a table that’s at an ergonomic height that is good for our backs.
Diaper genie: If you’re on a strict budget this is one you can definitely skip, but I was blessed to receive one as a gift & it’s certainly a nice thing to have. Of course if you’re exclusively breastfeeding baby poop doesn’t even really stink (as I’ve been pleasantly surprised to discover). It’s still very useful though & I’m sure we’ll appreciate it even more once Rachel starts eating solid foods & having more stinky poops.
Photo credit: Megan Cash Photography

I’m sure I’ve skipped a few things, but if you’re a first time mom reading this I hope you’ve found this list helpful. Happy baby shopping!

… I just realized that sounds like you’re shopping to buy a baby. Let me rephrase that: happy baby gear shopping!

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Reflections of a New Mother

Six weeks ago today baby Rachel entered this world! So much has happened in those six weeks, so in a way it seems like a long time, yet in another way it seems like no time at all. I know all new parents say this but it really is hard to imagine my life without Rachel now that she is here.

The last two days have been pretty rough (although the past two nights have been great), so I thought it would be therapeutic to share some of my reflections on motherhood thus far. me-and-rachel-penguin

Being a mom is incredibly hard. I always knew it would be; I was never naive enough to think this would be a walk in the park or all fun & joy. Of course not. But you just can’t understand how truly difficult it is until you do it.
Motherhood is full of extreme emotions. On any given day I cycle between extreme love, joy, devotion, fear, anxiety, frustration, & a whole gamut of other emotions. This is all totally normal of course but it is exhausting at times to feel like an emotional yo-yo.
That being said, the extreme joy & love truly do make up for all the more “negative” emotions. I always worried that moms said that just because they felt they had to but it really is true. Trust me, I’ve had moments when I’ve wondered if I made a mistake in becoming a mom. And I’m sure I’ll have more of those moments for the rest of my life. But the point is those are just moments. They don’t last forever.
Taking care of yourself is absolutely imperative to surviving motherhood. This is just one of many reasons that being a single mom (or dad) is clearly not how parenthood was designed. I’ve quickly learned that it’s essential that I eat a reasonably healthy diet, drink plenty of water, spend some time outside, listen to music, take a shower, read a little here & there, & generally do all the things that help keep me sane. My mantra these days is “You cannot pour from an empty cup.” In other words, Rachel needs a healthy, sane mommy & that means I need to take care of myself every bit as much as I’m taking care of her. Which feeds right into my next point.
Being able to take care of myself is largely dependent on my husband’s support. I know every mom says this but once again it is so true: I’ve never loved my husband more than when I see him with our daughter. When he changes her diapers, pushes her stroller, wears her in the baby carrier on his chest, & cuddles & kisses her my heart truly melts. Furthermore, when he does the dishes or the laundry or cooks me dinner I want to kiss his feet. Parenthood is definitely meant to be a two person job. I never doubted that but now that I’m living it I can attest that it is 100% true.
Moms are the most giving people in the world. I can’t say thank you enough to all the wonderful ladies who have reached out to me for encouragement & support over the past six weeks. Y’all know who you are & you’re all amazing. I hope someday I can encourage other new moms the way so many of you have done for me. Seriously, THANK YOU!
Breastfeeding is hard. Like woahhhh. To be honest, it’s actually not been physically painful the way I feared it would be. However, it is still very demanding, both mentally & physically. While I was pregnant I set two breastfeeding goals. My ultimate goal was/is to make it a full year, but I will be perfectly satisfied if I make it to six months. My minimum goal was to make it to six weeks, & I’m happy to say that as of today I’ve fulfilled that goal. Woohoo! I haven’t made it this far without a TON of support & encouragement though. It’s truly been a team effort in so many ways! There have been so many days when I’ve wanted to throw in the towel & I’m sure there will be more of them, but knowing I’ve already made it this far will hopefully continue to encourage me on the difficult days.
Being a mom with anxiety & OCD tendencies is hard. Thank goodness for a fantastic husband, a great mom, some dear friends, a wonderful therapist, & Zoloft. And music. (I switched from Prozac to Zoloft about 3 weeks ago at the suggestion of Rachel’s pediatrician because Zoloft is considered better for breastfeeding.) Even if you don’t have a history of anxiety or depression or any other mental health issue, don’t be afraid to seek help as a new mom. I think EVERYONE could benefit from a few sessions with a good therapist & no one more so than us frazzled, sleep-deprived new mommies.
As much as I love Rachel now & am enjoying many things about the newborn/baby stage, I still very much look forward to her being a little older. I know most moms say they miss the baby stage & often yearn for those days, but I seriously doubt that will ever be me (at least not often). I’ve always said I prefer older kids & teens, & I still think that is true for me. Trust me, I am not rushing anything. I am enjoying (most) of where we are right now. But there is a part of me that still can’t wait for the day when I can have real conversations with her, even about the hard stuff like death, sex, war, etc. Yes, I’m crazy, I know, but I really do look forward to that day. I also can’t wait to take her on hikes & to concerts & share the joy of all of those things with her. It might make me weird, but I don’t think it makes me a bad mom to say that I will probably love being a mom even more as she gets older.
There is absolutely no room for comparison in motherhood. I’ve said it before & I’ll say it again: motherhood is not a competition. Some moms breastfeed, some use formula, some do both. Some moms make beautiful baby books, some don’t. Some moms decorate a perfect nursery, some don’t. Some moms co-sleep, some don’t. Some moms wear their babies, some don’t. And some babies will sleep through the night or learn to walk/talk faster than others. The point is none of these things makes one mom better than another. We are not competing against anyone. Some moms seem like they have it all together while others of us are just happy we took a shower & did a load of laundry today. As for me, I’m never going to be the mom who pretends she has it all figured out. I think the world could benefit from more candidness. The truth is my house is frequently a little messy (& it was like that long before I became a mom; I just have a better excuse now), I’ve shaved my legs a grand total of twice since I gave birth, & sometimes I hate breastfeeding. I’m not “perfect” but I’m doing the best I can, & that’s all any of us can do. At the end of the day if mom & baby are healthy & happy that’s all that matters. Everything else is just details.
Being a mom really is the best thing I’ve ever done. End of story. 🙂

I’m not sure this song totally fits with the post but I discovered it last week & I’m in love with everything about it so I’m going to share it anyway. (Yes, I’m still listening to “heavy” music. Thankfully Rachel seems to like it!) Check out the lyrics below:

I’ve always been a fan of the night life
‘Cause it’s the only life I had
Expressing my mind with paper & a pen playing my guitar
‘Till my fingers bled on the carpet
Maybe I wasn’t like all the normal kids
I was born just a little bit different
I tried to fit in, I got sick of it
I tried to fit in, I got sick of it

You say I’m just a loser in the background
I can never seem to get it right
But I’m learning my worth is more than your word
You told me I would back out, I would break down
I’m not even putting up a fight
But I’m learning my worth is more than your word

It wasn’t easy being rejected by the thing I wanted so bad
To be accepted, to be wanted
To wake up & say this is gonna be a good day
Maybe I wasn’t like all the normal kids
I was born just a little bit different
I tried to fit in, I got sick of it
I tried to fit in, I got sick of it

You say I’m just a loser in the background
I can never seem to get it right
But I’m learning my worth is more than your word
You told me I would back out, I would break down
I’m not even putting up a fight
But I’m learning my worth is more than your word
More than your word

I was born a little bit different
I was born a little bit different
I was born just a little bit different

I was born a little bit different
I was born a little bit different

You say I’m just a loser in the background
I can never seem to get it right
But I’m learning my worth is more than your word

I got sick of it
I got sick of it
I tried to fit in, I got sick of it
I tried to fit in, I got sick of it

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