Hot Take: I Love Adulthood


You’ve seen them, I know you have- all the memes about how much adulthood sucks. About how much we all wish we could go back to being children who get to take naps & have our biggest worry in life be something that- as an adult- seems incredibly trivial. I’ve laughed at those memes, maybe even shared them a time or two. But I’m coming at you today with what I know is, as they’re calling them these days, a “hot take.” The truth of the matter is I love being an adult. Yes, I do- I really 100% do! Furthermore I love being in my 30s even more than I loved being in my 20s. Crazy? Maybe- but it’s true just the same.

Now I realize that this might be a controversial opinion & I absolutely do not expect most readers to agree with me. In fact I have loads of empathy for others who are perhaps less fortunate than I am. Indeed, just this morning my husband told me that I am toxically empathetic- meaning I take on other people’s emotions to such an extreme that at times it becomes a detriment to my own mental health. And he’s 100% right. It’s one of my greatest strengths but also a fatal flaw at times. I’m getting carried away, but my point is I have no trouble understanding why many- I daresay most- people DON’T love adulthood the way I do. But that doesn’t change the fact that I love it.

If you’re one of those folks who doesn’t love adulthood, you might be asking yourself how I could possibly like paying bills, going to work, having a mortgage, grocery shopping, & all the other mundane & yet often incredibly stressful tasks that make up adult life. Well, the answer is this: it’s all about the freedom. As an adult I have the freedom to choose my career &, because of the career I chose, I even have the freedom to work part time & more or less choose my work hours. I have the freedom to choose what I’m buying & cooking each week- considering the amount of people in the world still facing dire poverty & even starvation, I consider that a major blessing! I have the freedom to choose where I live & where I send my child to school. The list could go on & on, but I think you get the drift.

Now many facets of my current lifestyle would not be possible without my husband- I’ll be the first to acknowledge that. But guess what- because I’m an adult I have the freedom to be with him! No one can tell me I can’t! And it’s not like I’m not also enriching his life/lifestyle. It’s definitely a two-way street, as all relationships should be.

Going hand in hand with having the freedom adulthood brings comes the knowledge that no matter how rough things get, they always get better. I still have days when my anxiety/depression &/or OCD tendencies roar their ugly head, but as an adult I now have the foresight to know that bad days are just part of life. Plus, I have better coping skills now. (Yes, one of those is Prozac but trust me, there is so much more to fighting the demons in my head than just that.) Furthermore as an adult I have a much greater capacity to understand that things that seem like a huge deal in the moment often aren’t. As a child or teen, I didn’t have that understanding- I don’t think anyone does. Our brains just aren’t wired that way. So, yes, I can look back at childhood, adolescence, or even college & think “Man, my problems then really were pretty inconsequential.” BUT- this the clincher- they didn’t feel that way at the time! They felt just as massive as any adult problem I face now, if not more so. Because my anxiety was far, far worse back then I just didn’t have the capacity to face things the way I do now. So no, I don’t want to go back- I’m far better off now.

Speaking of being better off now, that’s another reason I love adulthood. I didn’t have a terrible childhood by any means, but the fact remains that I am far happier as an adult than I ever was as a kid. I can’t claim to have been the victim of extreme bullying or anything like that, but I was definitely a strange, nerdy child who was often lonely at school. I know what it’s like to eat lunch alone, to creep around the cafeteria just hoping someone, anyone, will ask you to sit with them. And often finding no one who did. I know what it’s like to be picked last in gym class, over & over again. I know what it’s like to the butt of jokes, to be the kid who’s always out of the loop, never invited to the parties, etc. In fact, there was a three year stretch of elementary/middle school when I dearly wished my mom would homeschool me because I was so miserable thanks to certain kids at school. In the end, I’m so glad I stuck with it because things got much better in later middle school & high school, not to mention those hard years taught me some incredibly important life lessons, but the fact remains that for various reasons I am much happier now than I ever was back in my supposed “glory days.”

Road concept – freedom

See, the things that make you weird, nerdy, & boring as a child/teen often make you interesting & exciting as an adult. I’ll never be “popular” or everyone’s favorite- I’m just not that sociable at the end of the day- but starting in college & continuing into the rest of my adult life I have found time & time again that the exact things that people found bizarre about me or that made me some kind of “loser” as a child/teen now make me interesting. Am I still unusual in many ways? Absolutely! But the difference is now when people say I’m weird they usually say it in a flattering way- like perhaps they wish they had the courage to be so authentic & unique- & not so worried what about what others think.

Yes, I talked about having an incredible store of empathy a few paragraphs ago, but I’ll let you in on a little secret now: I can be petty too. As much as I aspire to want the best for everyone & to forgive anyone who’s ever wronged me, the truth is that there is a part of me that enjoys seeing certain people reap exactly what they sowed. You see, those people who made fun of me years ago, who called me weird in a very MEAN way- well, most of them are definitely NOT loving adulthood. Many of them are meth-heads or alcoholics or generally not “living their best life.” They might have been cool, popular, & generally “living it up” when we were teens, but you better believe they aren’t now. The more spiritually evolved, healed part of me wishes them the best & sincerely hopes they can turn their lives around. I really do love a good redemption story. But there is a small part of me that is still a little bitter. I absolutely do not allow childhood slights to rule my adult life- that would be pathetic- but, well, the truth is karma is a bitch & sometimes it is a joy to watch her work!

The Taylor Swift song Mean comes to mind. In the chorus of the song she says “Someday I’ll be living in a big old city, but all you’re ever gonna be is mean. Someday I’ll be big enough so you can’t hit me, but all you’re ever gonna be is mean.” That song debuted in 2010 when I was in college & at the time it already felt relevant. After all, I’d escaped my hometown & was doing well in college, which is a lot more than most of those “mean” kids could say. They might have been the ones who used to talk about getting out of our hometown all the time but the vast majority of them never made it very far. But, now in my 30s- oh man, that song is even more glorious! I really am living in a big city now, not NYC or LA or anything like that. But compared to where I grew up, believe me, I am living in a METROPOLIS. And I love it!

And most of those former mean kids? Well, most of them are now just mean adults living a lifestyle that no one would envy. Meanwhile I have all the major things I’ve ever wanted in life- a great husband, a daughter, a house, two dogs, a career I love, & a handful of truly wonderful friends & family. And you know what? It feels so, so good.

So, yes, I love being an adult, despite any & all hardships it brings. Now, you may ask why I’m writing this. Am I just gloating in my own success? Well, maybe a little but I like to thing it’s more than that. I certainly don’t want to make others feel bad. But, you see, I still often find myself feeling lonely in a crowd- feeling like I’m the only person feeling a certain way. So I’m writing this to clear my own brain more than anything- BUT I’m also hoping it will find its way to one of those current weird kids who is struggling, that maybe it will offer them some hope that things CAN get better, that they aren’t doomed to always be lonely & at the bottom of the social totem pole.

The chances are slim to none that any of the former mean kids I referenced here will ever read this. But if by some great miracle you do- well, just know that I have forgiven you. I really have. But I also hope it burns you up a little to see how happy I am now. Just a little.

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What Harrison Butker Got Right (& Wrong)


Despite winning a couple of Superbowls in the past few years, I think it’s safe to say that most of us had never heard the name Harrison Butker (or wouldn’t have recognized it anyway) until the past couple of weeks when suddenly his name has been all over the news because of his remarks at a recent Catholic graduation ceremony. As usual, most folks have reacted in the same tired, predictable ways as they tend to do when these sorts of controversial remarks are made. (As a side note, it’s depressing to me just how often I can predict exactly what most people will think about certain issues.)

If you’re somehow blissfully unaware of what Butker said, just Google it & you’ll be able to find a gazillion articles alternately lambasting or praising him. What saddens me most about this particular hullabaloo is that as usual most folks are either worshiping him as the next messenger from God or else roasting him as if he were the anti-Christ & calling for him to be fired. Neither one seems an appropriate response to me. In the meantime, we’ve not actually addressed the real issues at stake here! Furthermore, if there’s anything the last couple years ought to have taught us it’s that there are still a shocking amount of men (& women!) who somehow think the 1950s were the best time in history. Most of these people never even lived then & yet somehow they’ve been convinced those were the golden years of America, nevermind that segregation was still legal & a myriad of other social issues were far from stellar. Yeah, maybe it was a great time for middle class white men, BUT WHAT ABOUT FOR EVERYONE ELSE?! I’ve gone off on a tangent, but my point is that we really shouldn’t be surprised to hear a Catholic man espousing some fairly old school beliefs, much less while at a Catholic school where he knows his audience will mostly be in agreement with him. By no means do we have to AGREE with him, but we shouldn’t exactly be SURPRISED.

But here’s the thing that I think most folks are missing when we discuss Butker’s remarks- the gist of what he was saying about finding satisfaction in life at home & with family is not wrong! That actually IS true. I mean, isn’t that why we’re all about work-life balance these days? What he got wrong was in addressing these points solely to WOMEN. He should have been addressing these points to EVERYONE. After all, as someone who was taken care of the dying, I can tell you that I’ve never had a dying person, male or female, tell me they wish they’d spent more time at work. Do people often wish they’d pursued a different career- particularly one that might have provided better work-life balance? Absolutely! But the crux of the matter is that the vast, vast majority of human beings really do find their greatest purpose & satisfaction in life at home- that is to say with their family & closest friends (the latter I think it’s safe to just lump in under family for simplicity’s sake).

Do I like Harrison Butker after reading his speech? Not particularly. But do I think he deserves to be completely canceled & fired from his job? Well, no. This is America & we’re supposed to have free speech after all! Furthermore, he wasn’t directly representing the NFL during his speech, though I realize it’s impossible to completely disassociate from your career when you’re a public figure of any sort. Even so, I see no reason to throw him completely under the bus. Now am I going to buy his jersey or in any way directly support him after this? No- but to be fair, I wouldn’t have anyway.

This is perhaps a topic for another day but the beautiful thing about being a woman in the modern world (obviously some countries are still not this blessed) is that we have choices. We we can choose to be career women or homemakers or some combination of both. Is there still work to be done to make the world more equitable for women? Absolutely! But I do think one thing feminism has gotten wrong over the years is in falling prey to the patriarchy & doing the exact same thing the patriarchy has always done- which is to devalue women’s roles as mothers. Feminists have far too often ignored motherhood altogether or else treated it like gum on the bottom of our shoes- some nasty trash we can never quite rid ourselves of. Clearly, neither of those options resonates with most women which is why feminism has become almost a bad word in our society. But of course there is still a need for feminism & there always has been- after all, if the 1950s were really so perfect, the modern incarnation of feminism would never have developed the way it did!

I think the most important lesson we can learn here is to use our own brains- we all need to think critically for ourselves instead of always looking to someone else to form our opinions for us or to tell us what to be outraged about today. We need to learn to agree to disagree. We need to remember that words are indeed very powerful but they still aren’t equivalent to actual violence or genocide. (We’ve overused the latter word so much lately that I think we’ve forgotten what it actually means.) And while we’re at it, let’s also build strong families & friendships who love & value each other & together create communities that serve us all.

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If I Were A Man


I rarely write blog posts with one gender in mind- that is to say aimed at one gender. But today’s post is intended mostly for my fellow ladies, though of course men are always welcome & encouraged to read as well. I shouldn’t have to say that but I want to be very up front that this is NOT one of those scathing feminist rants about the patriarchy- I promise! I’ve been meaning to write this for a while but since March is women’s history month, now seems like an appropriate time.

Anyway, without further ado, let me jump straight to the point. Ladies, have you ever wondered what your life would be like if you were a man? Have you ever considered the different choices you would have made & moreover what other people around you might have encouraged you to do if you simply had different chromosomes & anatomy? Of course there’s really nothing simple about it, is there? But it feels that way sometimes.

YEAH, I’M NOT A BIG FAN OF BEYONCE BUT THIS ONE WAS A GOOD ONE, NO DOUBT.

I for one can say with almost certainty that if I were a man, I’d have become a doctor. From elementary school all the way through college, I was routinely told how intelligent I was, by both students & teachers alike. (It’s actually continued all throughout adulthood, to be honest.) Considering I showed an interest in science & the medical field, if I’d been male, I can just about guarantee that people would have encouraged me to go to medical school rather than nursing school. And I’m quite sure I’d have done it! After all, three guys I knew in high school who were in all the same advanced classes I was have gone on to become doctors. I hate to sound like I’m bragging but I know I’m every bit as smart as they are- I imagine they’d admit it too. Yet here I am, “just a nurse.”

In today’s world, about 50% of medical students ARE female so it’s not like I was ever told I couldn’t be a doctor because of my gender. Absolutely not. But I DID feel like being a doctor as a woman would be much harder because it would make having a family much more challenging, especially if I had a husband with a similarly demanding career. Now for much of my life, the truth is I didn’t see myself being a mom but I think on some level I must have known I’d change my mind some day, because I certainly made choices in my life with that in mind.

In the end I chose to do nursing school instead of medical school for several reasons. One- I got a full scholarship to nursing school & who in their right mind would turn that down, especially when you would otherwise have a lot of school loans to pay off for years on end? Two- I figured I could always go back to school to be an NP which is very similar to being a doctor & would be plenty good enough for me. In fact that was my career goal for years. Three- I figured it would be easier to balance a family as a nurse or even an NP than as a doctor. Even though at the time I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be a mom, I knew that if I did take that route I didn’t want to have to hire a nanny because of my career. But I also knew I wouldn’t want to completely give up my career altogether either- & I figured it would be easier to find part time options as a nurse or an NP.

As it turns out I’ve been a nurse for almost thirteen years now & I no longer have any real interest in becoming an NP- for a variety of reasons- but getting into those is not the point of this post. Furthermore, I’m actually very happy being “just a nurse-” & a part time outpatient nurse at that! All things considered I have a pretty “cushy” nursing job these days & I love it. I still help save lives, I still use my brain- which I have always considered my greatest nursing asset- but I don’t have to work 12 hr shifts, nights, or weekends any more, nor do I have to take call. It allows me much greater flexibility as a mom & even just as a human being. It’s really all I could hope for. And yet…

There is a small part of me that sometimes thinks “What if? What if I’d been a man? What if I could just pick any career & not worry too much about how it would affect my family?”- because a man can always find a woman to take care of family things (or at least men assume they can- & they’re usually right). Perhaps part of this endless speculation is caused by something my first ever boss said to me when I was all of seventeen or eighteen years old. He used to tell me very explicitly that I would not be living up to my full potential if I didn’t become a doctor- an MD. An NP wasn’t good enough- he was very explicit about that. Looking back on it, I know he meant well. I know he meant it as a compliment to my intelligence, but those words have haunted me for almost two decades now. I can’t bring myself to be angry at him for saying that, & yet I also find myself thinking quite often that he must have had no clue how healthcare works. Almost every time I have a situation in which I am the person who says “Hold on, this patient needs escalated care” – aka- every time I help save a life- I think of him, & I wonder if he has any idea how many lives I’ve helped save, as “just a nurse.” (I always say help save because EVERYTHING in healthcare is a team effort. Even the best surgeon in the world doesn’t save lives alone- it’s always a group effort.) Moreover, sometimes I have been the person who says “Hold on, this person is ready to die. Let’s acknowledge that & help them transition peacefully.” Honestly, those situations have meant the most to me in my career. Everyone enjoys the “high” of helping to save a life. But allowing someone to pass from this life peacefully is a whole other ball game that even a lot of people in healthcare aren’t comfortable with. But it’s something I’ve always seen as an honor & a privilege. And I know those patients & their families are so grateful for the care I provided & for my willingness to advocate for them outside of the traditional medical model. So yeah, that man- my former boss- he must have had no clue how absolutely crucial it is have intelligent, observant nurses…

I’m rambling, but I guess I just want to know that I’m not the only woman who feels this way- that is to say that she chose a career that she loves & that better serves her family, yet sometimes she can’t help but wonder “What if?” To be frank, most nurses I know never even considered becoming doctors & many have never had any interest in being NPs either. And that’s fine! There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. But it means that I can’t exactly talk to them about this kind of stuff & expect to find someone who can actually relate to what I’m saying. Most women in my family were stay at home moms primarily (or entirely), so I’m not so sure they can relate either. Most things in life I feel like I can talk about equally well with men as with women, but this is one of those things that men may be able to commiserate with but they can’t really RELATE to it. They just can’t- just like there are things men experience that I can’t truly relate to either because I haven’t had those experiences. That’s just life.

HAHAHAHA, JUST A JOKE, Y’ALL. I HAVE NEVER FORWARDED THOSE & NEVER WILL.

Let me be clear- I don’t regret the choices I’ve made, I really don’t. But sometimes it’s hard not to feel like life would have been easier as a man. But maybe that’s just human nature talking- after all, don’t we always think the grass is greener on the other side? Don’t we always crave what we don’t or can’t have? It’s pointless I know- a gigantic waste of time to be truly honest- to speculate about things like this that are so completely outside of our control. And yet, sometimes I just can’t stop my mind from wondering. Anyone else on this same strange speculative ship? (That’s a fancy way of saying is anyone else in the same boat? Ha!)

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Black Heroes in Medicine & Metal


As most of you probably already know, February is Black History Month here in the U.S. The murder of George Floyd back in 2020 was a real turning point in my life in regard to race. As a white person, I had become quite a bit more aware of racism over the years even before that horrific incident, but afterward it became something I truly couldn’t ignore any longer. The way some of my friends & family reacted to that situation showed me that despite the vast amount of progress we have made in this country over the past few decades, we still have a ways to go.

Anyway, this year I thought it would be interesting to showcase some lesser known black heroes, including some I actually know, specifically in the fields of medicine & metal. Why? Well, both are fields that are still disproportionately white &, since I’m a nurse whose major hobby outside of work is rock/metal, they are where I spend most of my time. Some of these will be multi-racial but considering Obama is always billed as the first black American President when he is also half white, I think we can agree that most people consider anyone who is 50% or more black to be effectively black. Besides, there are still far too many people out there who do not approve of inter-racial relationships (which seriously blows my mind- I mean, how silly can you be?!), the more positive light we can shine on multi-racial individuals, the better.

So without further ado, here are some of my own black American heroes in the fields of medicine & metal:

  • Dr. Bradley Collins: Dr. Collins is one of the transplant surgeons at the clinic where I work. He is one of the friendliest doctors I’ve ever met. You cannot talk to him without ending up with a smile on your face. I am not exaggerating when I say that clinic morale is improved any day he is in the office. Considering the disproportionate number of black people (especially black males) in need of a kidney transplant, I know it is very special for a lot of these patients to meet a black surgeon. Let’s be real- most of us, regardless of race, are used to seeing black nursing/medical assistants, cafeteria workers, housekeeping staff, lab techs, & even RNs. But I daresay a significant portion of the American population has probably never met a black doctor, much less a transplant surgeon. It makes me smile even as I type this just to think of all the people he is inspiring. This is an excellent article from 2020 in which he discusses his experiences as a black man/physician in America- please check it out: https://surgery.duke.edu/news/black-voices-healthcare-bradley-collins-md-senior-faculty-member.
  • Dr. Lisa McElroy: Dr. McElroy is another transplant surgeon at the clinic where I work. She is also extremely kind & enjoyable to work with. I could be wrong, but I am pretty sure she is only the second black female surgeon I’ve ever known. Women are well represented in medicine these days but not so much in surgery, & minority women even less so. Again, it makes me smile to think of all those she is inspiring. Outside of the operating room, she does a lot of work addressing disparities in healthcare. Here is an excellent article about her: https://www.donatelifenc.org/blog/meet-dr-lisa-mcelroy-transplant-surgeon.
  • Dr. Carla Brady: Dr. Brady is a hepatologist (liver doctor) at the clinic where I work. She sees all kinds of liver patients but she specializes in seeing pregnant women with liver conditions. This is a great article about her: https://www.aasld.org/member-spotlight/carla-w-brady-md-mhs-faasld.
  • Dr. Omobonike Oloruntoba: Dr. O, as she encourages everyone to call her, is another hepatologist at the clinic where I work. (She is of Nigerian descent if you’re wondering about the name.) I love what she says in this video about having the patient at the center of care- finding out what their goals & priorities are & working around those, rather than always assuming we know best: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G2A0J-8oE7E&ab_channel=DukeHealthProviderProfiles.
  • Dr. Kimberley Evans: Dr. Evans was a nephrologist at the clinic where I work & was truly one of the kindest physicians I’ve ever known. She had the most soothing voice too. I remember once listening to her making phone calls to patients about lab results & when she was done I couldn’t resist telling her “Dr. Evans, I could listen to you talk all day. Your voice is just so lovely.” And it really was. Tragically, she died last year, & what a tremendous loss that was for our clinic, her family, & all of her patients. This is a great article that talks about how she helped mentor others & ensure better representation in medicine: https://www.dukechronicle.com/article/2023/10/duke-university-kimberley-evans-obituary-champion-diversity-equity-inclusion-dei-duke-health-medicine.
  • I couldn’t find any public articles about several other black doctors & NPs whom I’ve worked with & really admire, so in order to protect their privacy I will not name them here. However, they are all equally worthy of respect & admiration as those named above.
  • Cullen Moore: Cullen is the lead singer of one of my new favorite bands, Sleep Theory. I had the privilege of seeing them open for Beartooth last week in Norfolk, VA. I actually went to the concert as much for them as for Beartooth & they did not disappoint. The band is based out of Memphis, TN & Cullen grew up & still lives in a town in Mississippi that is right across the border from Memphis. If you know me in real life or have been reading this blog for a while, you probably know that I’m a huge rock/metal junkie. Unfortunately, despite having massive influences from traditionally black music, rock/metal have not always been the most welcoming to black people. Even if not overtly unwelcoming, the fact remains that most of the genre is dominated by white people. So I for one love it when I see anyone who is not white trying their hand in this type of music. (Side note, the band’s bassist & backing vocalist is also not white- he’s Filapino.) Cullen is a veteran of the U.S. Army who has done a fantastic job of blending R&B with rock/metal & has proven that he can absolutely nail said fusion. I had the pleasure of hearing Gone or Staying debut live on Sirius XM Octane a few months ago. It is perhaps the best example of Cullen’s vast vocal abilities. Check out the live version here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k2rksn_J1W4&ab_channel=SiriusXM.
  • Moriah Formica: I actually just discovered Moriah & her all female band Plush a few weeks ago when I saw Disturbed posting pictures & videos of Moriah performing Ann Wilson’s part from Don’t Tell Me while on tour with Disturbed. Immediately I was blown away by her raw talent & infectious energy & naturally I had to check out her band. As it turns out Moriah is all of about 22 or 23 yrs old & only about 5 feet tall but she has a BIG voice. She is up from upstate NY, has a black mother & a white father, owns 3 pet snakes, & loves to go fishing with her brothers when she’s not on tour with her absolutely kick-ass band. Also, can I just say that she has AMAZING curls? I’m jealous. Here’s one of my favorites from her band: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wgLvQlqc-Xw&ab_channel=PlushRockVEVO.
  • Diamond Rowe: Diamond is the lead guitarist for heavy metal band Tetrarch. Again, there are far too few black people in metal in general & even fewer black women, but Diamond has never let that deter her. She & lead singer Josh Fore have been friends since middle school & moved from the Atlanta area to LA to pursue their heavy metal dreams. She was the first black female from a heavy metal band to be featured on the cover of several high profile guitar publications like Guitar World. Like Moriah, she enjoys going fishing when she isn’t rocking out on guitar. Check out some of Diamond’s very impressive guitar work here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6FqBgFqZJQQ&ab_channel=NapalmRecords.
  • Doc Coyle: Doc is the lead guitarist & backing vocalist for the rock band Bad Wolves & has also recently filled in on guitar for horror-themed metal band Ice Nine Kills. I was lucky enough to get to see him performing with INK last summer in Richmond. He also hosts the Ex Man Podcast. Doc is not only a fantastic guitarist but is also highly revered in the rock world as a truly wonderful human being. If I remember correctly, Doc grew up in New Jersey & is half black & half Hispanic (Puerto Rican possibly?), but in any case he is a fantastic guitarist with an incredible work ethic & the ability to really think deeply about all matters in life (watch any interview with him & you’ll quickly see what I mean). He’s one of those people I could listen to talk for hours just because his voice itself is soothing. Here’s one of my favorite songs by his band: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WBYNG4NW6m4&ab_channel=BetterNoiseMusic.

I sincerely hope you’ll check out at least a few of the links posted here. More importantly, I hope, regardless of your own race, you’ll open your heart to examine your own unconscious biases- we all have them. But the more we’re aware of them & the more we open ourselves up to learning about others & their experiences, the better the world will be for all of us.

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The Real Problem With Aging


Evolve or die. Adapt or get left behind.

Those two lines have swirling around in my mind for months now. I haven’t been quite sure how to broach this subject properly, but I’ve unexpectedly gotten the day off of work (over-staffed instead of under-staffed for once) so I’m going to try to tackle it today. The subject? Aging. Or rather how our society handles it.

Let me preface this by saying that I may be an odd person to write this post seeing as I have been “old at heart” basically my entire life. Even as a child/teen, I was often taken for being older than I was. I was often taken for being older than my sister despite being 1.5 years younger. I also remember being a freshman in college & frequently having other students assume I was a senior. I don’t think any of that had to do with how I LOOKED- rather it was how I behaved. Furthermore, I have always been someone who would prefer a night at home reading a book over a night out “on the town” (e.g. a club, bar, or party). I have never thought this made me an old grump, just an introvert who is very happy with her own company. Neither have I ever been the type of person to really follow trends- be they fashion, music, TV, etc. If something is wildly popular at any given time, I can almost guarantee that I’m following/aware of it only marginally at best. I’ve just never been overly interested in what “everyone else” is doing- probably because early on in my life I learned that “everyone else” is often not interested in me. Or is just boring. All that to say, yes, I’m very happily “old at heart” in many ways & have been for most of my life. But that doesn’t mean I have to be old in every way. Let me explain.

Perhaps it’s because I turned 35 fairly recently, which puts me equally close to 40 as to 30. Perhaps it’s because I can’t find the energy to be bothered by that- rather I just find myself grateful to be healthy & to have already accomplished many of my life goals. (After all, as a nurse I have seen countless people younger than I am who are chronically very ill or who have even died; thus, I’m constantly reminded how good I have it.) Whatever the reason, I’ve been finding myself thinking a lot more about aging lately. And how I don’t like a lot of what I see, even from my own generation. This is probably naivete speaking, but I always thought my generation was going to be the one to not turn into grumpy adults. I thought we’d be the ones who didn’t repeat the mistakes of previous generations. Ha! Yeah, that was dumb, wasn’t it? There are some very legitimate reasons that we Millennials are often grumpy these days- our generation has not had it easy, despite what some Boomers may think. But that’s a whole other post for another day.

Having said that, I’m disappointed, y’all. I really am. I see so many posts & memes on social media these days about “the good old days” of the 90s & early 2000s, & while I can relate to some of them & certainly giggle at some of them, I’m also bothered by the fact that so many of us seem to have already put on the proverbial rose-colored glasses about our childhood/adolescence. Maybe it’s just because I was a nerd, so I didn’t always have the best/easiest childhood experience, but I for one do NOT miss any time before age 18. I just don’t. Are there THINGS about it I miss? Sure, a few- but not a lot. The point is the world was not perfect when we were growing up- it’s NEVER been perfect (& it never will be)- & there is no need to constantly romanticize the past & cover up the problems we had then. Nor it is necessary to gripe about how easy the kids have it now. They actually DON’T have it easy. No generation ever does. The easy thing to do is to be that annoying old(er) person who says “Oh man, these kids don’t know how good they have it. When I was a kid…” Have I said such things myself? Yes, a few times- but I always feel like a fool afterward. The truly mature thing to do is to acknowledge that every generation has its challenges, & there is nothing to be gained by putting down those younger than us. It doesn’t help them. It doesn’t even help us. All it does is scream insecurity with our own lives.

Now I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t have & outright refuse (at least for now) to use TikTok, Twitter, or Snapchat. Same for Alexa or any of those other personal assistant devices people use in their houses. (They are creepy as hell to me.) So maybe I am the old grump who refuses to adapt to the times! But here’s the thing- just because I’m not interested in using a new form of technology doesn’t mean I automatically think it’s garbage. I’m not running around saying “TikTok is ruining humanity!” The main reasons I don’t use these other apps is simply because I don’t need another time-suck. Instagram, Facebook, & YouTube are enough for me. And they’re probably too much as it is, if I’m being really honest. The point is just because something is new or different, I don’t immediately decry it as Satan’s latest & greatest attempt to take down humanity. The reason I don’t is because people have been saying that about EVERY new technology since the beginning of time. And it has NEVER been true. There was a time when people thought electricity was evil (technically some still do). Then it was the radio, then TV, then the internet, etc. The way I see it is technology itself is rarely, if ever, the problem. It’s what we DO with it that matters. That’s where the problems can come into play. WE are the problem, not the technology itself.

Now here’s where it gets really tricky & where I have to ask myself if I’m being a hypocrite. I’m actually a bit nervous to write this part because I’m afraid of who I might offend. But I believe in it strongly enough that I’m going to take the risk. Ok, deep breath, here we go.

I am sick of the anti-aging industry BS & how so many of us have bought into it. It seems to me many of us are more worried about LOOKING old than ACTING old. Now I’ll be the first to admit that I may be part of the problem. Why? Well, you see, I am nominally a Rodan + Fields consultant. I use R+F eye creams on a daily basis to prevent wrinkles, under-eye bags, etc. And I technically sell them. I say technically because I categorically refuse to engage in the vast majority of the tactics I’m “supposed” to do as a consultant- because it just feels wrong to me on many different levels. I have no judgement on those who do those things- especially if being a consultant is their main (or only) source of income. But for me I’m just doing this for the discount on the products I was already using. And if I can sell a little here & there & help people feel more confident in their skin, great! But that’s it.

Anyway, my real concern is with all the lip fillers, Botox, & plastic surgery I’m seeing these days. Now a lot of this is from women on Instagram whom I don’t actually know. But it bothers me just the same because these people are sending a message that this kind of behavior is normal. I’ve asked myself a thousand times why any of this stuff is different than using anti-aging face creams. Maybe it isn’t. But somehow it feels different to me. If my daughter sees me putting on a face cream, I highly doubt she thinks anything much of it. But if she were to see me going to a salon & paying money to have people inject me with chemicals that truly alter my appearance, I have to think that would send a very different message to her. A message that says “Your body isn’t good enough as it is. You need to change it.” And I for one do not EVER want to send that message to my child. Not to mention these lip injections just look ridiculous. These women are walking around looking like they got stung by a bee all the time. Every man I’ve ever spoken to about this has said the same thing- “Looks ridiculous. I hate it.” Now I’m not saying we need to constantly please men with our bodies, but at the same time I have to think that a lot of women are doing this stuff to be more attractive to men. Whether men like it or not is probably irrelevant, but I am definitely concerned about the motivations behind these behaviors because they all scream insecurity to me. The prevailing message these days is “If it makes you happier with your body, just do it!” That’s such a tempting message to give into but I do not think it’s healthy. And I’m not going to stop saying that even if it makes some people uncomfortable.

Now don’t worry, I’m not judging anyone for dying their hair to cover the greys. I’m finding more & more of those myself these days & the temptation to cover them up is definitely there. But I’m also lazy & can’t seem to find the motivation or time to worry about something so trivial. Now I’ll gladly admit that I may feel differently if I were single. But as a happily married woman whose husband couldn’t care less about it, I just can’t seem to bother at this point. As a kid, whenever my mom said she was embracing her greys, I inwardly cringed. I thought “I’ll never care so little for my appearance.” Well, guess what, guys? Now I know why she said that & I totally get it. It had nothing to do with not caring about her appearance. You see, I don’t know about y’all, but I no longer feel the need to be attractive to teenagers or people in their 20’s. What do I care if they think I look old? I AM old, at least in their eyes, by virtue of my age alone. Again, I’m self-aware enough to admit that I might feel differently if I were single at 35. But I’m not.

Now back to the first lines of this post: Evolve or die. Adapt or get left behind. As we get older, it is so easy to stop evolving, stop adapting, to just say “I’ve peaked. This is it.” But that is exactly the kind of “old” attitude we need to reject-THAT is the real problem with aging. We need to stop worrying so much about wrinkles & grey hairs & start worrying about continuing to grow as human beings. LOOKING old isn’t a problem. ACTING old- & by that I mean refusing to learn, grow, or consider the experiences/feelings of those younger/different than you- THAT is a problem. And in that way, no matter how many wrinkles or grey hairs I amass, I for one will forever seek to be YOUNG at heart.

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Best Albums of 2023


Yes, it’s that time of year again, time for my annual albums of the year post! If you haven’t already seen it, check out my previous post for my choices for songs of the year. Since so many bands/artists no longer release actual albums (or even EPs), I felt the need to create a separate post to highlight some of my favorite songs that either aren’t part of an album or that really touched me even if the rest of the album didn’t (or in some cases I never got around to listening to the rest of the album because I’m not a professional music reviewer & definitely don’t have unlimited time for these things).

I’d like to remind readers that these are solely MY choices for the albums that I most enjoyed this year, the ones that personally spoke to ME the most. Yes, I realize that I “should” have Metallica’s 72 Seasons & Sleep Token’s Take Me Back to Eden on here, like just about every other best albums list this year. But the fact of the matter is that while both albums are objectively great, they just didn’t speak to ME the way the ones I’ve chosen here did. I will also willingly acknowledge that I am non-conformist enough that I subconsciously tend to steer away from anything that is wildly popular at any given time (whether that’s music, a TV show, a movie, or a book), even when it’s within my own favorite non-conformist genre. Maybe I’m just an overgrown teenager that way…

Anyway, without further ado, here are my choices for the best albums of 2023. At the end you’ll find my choices for best EPs of the year, as well as the albums I’m most anxiously anticipating for 2024. Aside from the first three, these are in no particular order.

  • The Mockingbird & The Crow by Hardy: Alright, y’all, I never expected my album of the year to contain the phrase “dead buck on my Instagram” not once but TWICE, but here we are. Ha! A couple months ago I was driving home from Costco when I heard Sold Out (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r57GhcHEgGo) on Octane & immediately fell in love. Who was this redneck country singer who wasn’t afraid to scream like the best metal singers? I had to know. It didn’t take me long to fall way down the rabbit hole with Hardy. The fact that Hardy managed to write a half country- half rock album that is incredibly well written on both “sides” is nothing short of phenomenal. The title track (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vr6JPLNMnyI) is perhaps my favorite because it encapsulates a dilemma I know good & well- the divide between the “country/redneck” part of me & the rock/metal part of me. The former represents the more conservative, people-pleasing nature I grew up with while the latter represents the more free-thinking part of me that I’ve embraced as an adult. I imagine some of that is true for Hardy as well, though I suspect for him it’s more to do with the music itself, but nonetheless I see parallels to all of life here. It’s so easy to be the mockingbird- to do the things others before you have done, to do what’s expected & “proper,” (in Hardy’s case write the more traditional country music)- & yet sometimes the crow just beckons so strongly that it cannot be contained (in Hardy’s case this means embracing his rock & roll side). It’s hard to choose but perhaps my favorite lines on the album are as follows: “And I refuse to be another/Mockingbird with a microphone/I’ll fly the line I choose to, brother/Even if that makes me the crow.” Like any great album, this is one that deserves to be listened to top to bottom, front to back. But in order to save time, I’ll highlight just three more of my favorites here: Wait in the Truck featuring Lainey Wilson (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YsMB0i5YTOc), which is a poignant piece about domestic violence; Radio Song featuring Jeremy McKinnon of A Day to Remember (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Km3DY77vINU), which makes fun of how simplistic & formulaic much of country music is; & Jack (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uwtjL9UI4uQ) which discusses the dangers of alcohol & how easily one can slip from a casual drinker to a full-blown abuser.
  • Blackout by From Ashes to New: This album has been a long time coming but thankfully it did not disappoint. Indeed it’s chock full of banger after banger. With opening track Heartache (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rh1gQWwBp5Q) followed by Nightmare (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iD7nQ_DledY), followed by Hate Me Too (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_0h0Oo1EzJw), the album starts off with three of the band’s most successful tracks to date. The latter has a hilarious music video you’d do well to check out- & is also probably their most “pop” sounding song to date- but with some great guitar riffs. Then you’ve got Monster in Me (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6yoHqZawQEU) which is dominated by Matt Brandyberry’s rapping. There seriously isn’t a bad song on here so I could go on for a while but lastly let me mention Until We Break (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QiT0NJf4emk) which features Matty Mullins of Memphis May Fire. Again, it’s hard to choose but perhaps my favorite lyrics on this album are in this track: “You’re the heart of the fate that divides us/A plague & a virus, yeah, & all we need to do is/Close our eyes ’cause there is nothing to see (nothing to see)/We’ll all be fine if all we do is believe, so/Smile for the camera, swallow the dagger/Cut out the ones who disobey/Follow the leader into the fever/One by one until we break.”
  • The Surface by Beartooth: Here’s another album that simply rocks from top to bottom. To be honest, I loved Beartooth’s second & third albums but the fourth one disappointed me. Not so with this one! As soon as I heard leading single Riptide (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zv3t0Fvgvik), I knew this album would be DIFFERENT- optimistic & uplifting but without losing an ounce of heaviness! I for one am thoroughly enjoying seeing lead singer & mastermind of the group Caleb Shomo finally winning the battle against his depression. Doubt Me (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UfY5VokMkL8) is another banger that is universally relatable- after all, we’ve all had to beat some doubters along the way- even if the strongest one of those is the voice in our own head. I could go on all day but let me also mention Look the Other Way (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PiEKANbfEYQ) & Might Love Myself (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=83rcK9Xne5A), both of which really showcase the beauty & power of Caleb’s voice. You can truly hear the happiness in his voice here & it’s nothing short of delightful.
  • Skeletons by Pop Evil: I own six out of seven of this band’s albums, so I think it’s safe to say I know their catalog well. But if I’m being perfectly honest, the last three albums left me disappointed. They had some good songs here & there, but taken as a whole none of them really grabbed me like their earlier work. Well, this year I’m glad to say they grabbed me again- in a good way. As soon as I heard Paranoid/Crash & Burn (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KMTrh8xRXtk) & Eye of the Storm (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U9jGRtmCsNQ) I was in love. Then I heard the title track (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=95lkrtb7Gt4) & I knew I had to check out the full album. This time it did not disappoint. My favorite lyrics are from the aforementioned title track: “We live in a world gone mad that’s lost control/What doesn’t kill us leaves a hole in our soul/Chase a satellite, get lost in outer space/We’re only human, we’re flesh & bone/Fighting wars within/We’re only human, we’re flesh & bone/Lonely skeletons” & Who Will We Become: “We may not control the events that happen to us/What happened to us?/But we have a choice to choose who we will become/Who will we become?” I 100% believe that- we cannot always control what happens to us but we CAN control who we become. I have to believe that- otherwise there’s no hope. I should also mention that the last three songs on the album are easily among the heaviest songs the band has ever done.
  • Confessions of the Fallen by Staind: Oh man, Staind were one of the first rock bands I ever loved. Naturally I was excited to see the band back with their first album in twelve years. I’m not sure that it was ever a single but my favorite track here is Cycle of Hurting (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W2tCwGPuUzs). The lyrics are dark & painful but the song leaves me feeling empowered to do exactly what the title says- end the cycle of hurting. Lowest In Me (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D0Nm-yx9CLg) is probably one of the band’s heaviest songs to date & proves they definitely aren’t going soft in their middle age. Vocalist Aaron Lewis is certainly a controversial character, & I don’t agree with all of his views, but I definitely respect him as a person & as a musician. Regardless of what you think of his politics, this album is well worth a listen.
  • Dance Devil Dance by Avatar: I’ve said it before & I’ll say it again- it’s downright criminal that Avatar aren’t more popular than they are. I submit to you that if you don’t like watching five tall, long-haired Swedish guys prance around on stage in clown outfits, then you need to reevaluate your life. Ha! Anyway, I fell in love with this band when I saw them live back in 2018. I had never heard them before & knew nothing about them, but they entranced me from the very first song. These guys are not just excellent musicians, they are also true PERFORMERS. Stand out tracks include the title track (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9_t_U8aYDlo); Chimp Mosh Pit (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FIUseqP3my8) which comes with a music video that proves these guys may be serious musicians but they don’t take themselves too seriously & know how to simply have some FUN; & Violence No Matter What (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gjef8L7pRZs) featuring none other than Lzzy Hale. I should also mention the danceable, almost country like The Dirt I’m Buried In (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8JPtxtSK-Cs)- it was the band’s first song to reach the top of the Billboard Mainstream Rock chart.
  • Life is But a Dream… by Avenged Sevenfold: No list would be complete without this album. I think Ben Bruce from Asking Alexandria said it best when he said that the A7X guys aren’t just musicians, they’re COMPOSERS. My favorite track is Nobody (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UjrRTY2UDjw) with its bizarre song structure & the unexpected guitar solo that closes the song. Mattel is also great (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hYmVTVnXXlk) but really this is an album that needs to be listened to in full, not piecemeal. It’s the kind of thing you really ought to listen to in a dark room while doing absolutely nothing else.
  • Papers Hearts (EP) by Sleep Theory: Sleep Theory burst on to the scene via Octane with hit single Numb (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F7s9gFaWpUM) & it wasn’t too long after that that they rocketed from unknown, unsigned band out of Memphis to signing a record deal with Epitaph Records & opening up for none other than Shinedown. If you’ve listened to any interviews with these guys, you will know they are as humble & hard-working as they come. I couldn’t be happier to see them having the success they’re having, & I can’t wait to see what next year holds for them. I was lucky enough to hear them debut Gone or Staying (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ac9OiIXFqUA) live on Octane a few months ago & it just might be my favorite on this EP. It’s the perfect blend of soulful R&B & heavy that makes this band so darn good.

For these last two artists, I’m not sure how to classify them because these are all singles but there were multiple songs I absolutely loved by both artists, so it felt more fitting to put them here, as if they were an EP, than with the singles post. I guess I’ll just group them by artist name.

  • TX2: Here is yet another artist I discovered thanks to Octane. One morning I was running errands & heard Degrade Me (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6r79AhrOPOE) on Octane & was immediately hooked. I found myself thinking “This is obviously a young guy with a punk rock aesthetic/sensibility, yet the guitar work & overall song structure seem more classic rock & roll.” Naturally I had to have more, so to YouTube I went & quickly fell down the TX2 rabbit hole. Heaven Was Full (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bb9aQy3d5oo) contains a massive guitar solo & is a perfect song for anyone who’s ever felt like they just couldn’t live up to the expectations others have for them without sacrificing their own conscience. I Would Hate Me Too (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=keegsPt1jCU) is both hilarious & sad all at once. He may be only 5’4″ as he sings in the latter song, but trust me when I say, TX2 is going to have a big impact on the rock scene over the next few years.
  • Set It Off: Once again, I have to thank Octane for introducing me to this band. They’ve been around for over a decade but I had never heard of them until Punching Bag (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qb5-s5qwlCQ) took over the airwaves this year. I was immediately hooked & hungry for more. Be sure to watch the music video for this one because the end of it sets up the beginning of the video for Win Win featuring Scene Queen (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KvOAwvMU8N8). The latter is such a fun song & I’m very impressed with how the guys let Hannah (aka Scene Queen) start off the song & sing at least as much of it as Cody does. That shows confidence & a willingness to share the spotlight, which I love to see. Evil People (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IP4W9EGdlsI) & Parasite (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Qm6qlz7ups) are also fantastic songs. What’s super interesting about this band is that they’ve had BY FAR their most success this year- AFTER leaving their record label & going independent. Just goes to show that sometimes the “right” way isn’t always the RIGHT way.

Now for most anticipated albums for 2024... (By the way, there are a few songs I probably should have included in this year’s songs of the year but because I know they will be on albums debuting next year, I am saving them for next year’s post- since I imagine those albums will make it to next year’s version of this post.)

  • Jeris Johnson- if When the Darkness Comes & Ode to Metal are any indication, Jeris’s next record will be nothing short of phenomenal.
  • Slaughter to Prevail
  • Judas Priest (coming 3/8/24)
  • Anything by Falling in Reverse- who knows? Maybe Ronnie will surprise us & do an album after swearing he won’t because he has done better with singles since 2018. But with Ronnie, you just never know what he’s got up his sleeve. Whatever it is, I know it will be breathtaking.
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Best Songs Of 2023 (Singles/Covers)


If you’ve been following this blog for a while, you know that I do an annual albums of the year post. Well, this year I decided that I need to make two posts- one for full length albums/EPs & one for singles/covers. So many bands/artists are no longer releasing albums & it feels unfair to exclude them when sometimes they make some of my favorite songs. Do I miss the days of CDs & actually going to a store to buy a physical album? Absolutely. But I also realize that we have two choices in life- evolve or die. I still refuse to use Spotify other than for podcasts because it pays artists so little for their music, but I have started downloading albums on Amazon music & only buying physical CDs for smaller bands that I know really need the monetary support, especially since I have a newer car now that doesn’t have a CD player. (Gosh, I miss having a CD player!!) I’m not sure if musicians get better returns off of Amazon Music (or YouTube, which I also use a lot) but since I do pay a monthly subscription (vs there are free options for Spotify), I’m hoping it pays them a little better. If not, at least I buy concert tickets & merch as often as I can.

Anyway, on with the show- I mean post. Please remember, I am not a professional music reviewer. I am a nurse who just happens to love music. I don’t owe anyone anything, so I feel no obligation to choose certain bands/artists, even if I know they are being universally praised this year. So, without further ado, here is my list for my favorite songs of 2023. These are in particular order, other than the first two.

  • Dark Thoughts by The Funeral Portrait: A few months ago I heard this song on Octane & was immediately entranced. I swiftly looked up the band, who are based out of Atlanta, on Instagram only to realize I’d already been following them- but hadn’t actually listened to their music. Crazy! Anyway, Lee has one of those powerful, soulful voices that you absolutely cannot forget. Think Brent Smith of Shinedown, Chris Robertson of Black Stone Cherry, Patrick Stump of Fall Out Boy, or Jared Weeks of Saving Abel (incidentally all of these singers are Southerners except for Patrick- hmmm….). In fact, the band have often been said to have a Shinedown type sound but with a My Chemical Romance image/aesthetic. I think that’s a pretty accurate description. In any case, this song has an infectious chorus with insanely fun guitar riffs & is one of those that will quickly find its way into your head. Moreover, the lyrics are so dear to my heart. Lee wrote this about his struggles with OCD & boy, can I relate. The song may be called DARK thoughts but it definitely leaves me feeling pumped up & ready to fight those dark thoughts. No question about it- this is my song of the year, & I know it will be one that I’ll cherish for many, many years to come. If you don’t check out anything else on this list, I beg you to check out this one, even if rock isn’t normally your thing. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8DP5vhiDTk
  • Watch the World Burn by Falling in Reverse: You never know what you’re going to get with Ronnie Radke & this song is the epitome of that. It starts off with some crazy rapping- arguably the fastest he’s ever done- but then builds into a giant breakdown with full on screaming. As always, the music video that accompanies the song is basically a miniature movie. I’ll be honest- my first listen of this song left my head spinning. I wasn’t sure what to think because the song structure is so bizarre. It literally has no chorus! But I quickly found that I couldn’t stop listening to it. My favorite lines are at the end: “One day you’re gonna figure out that/Everything they taught you was a lie/Watch the world burn/The fear is what keeps you alive/Break the fucking chains, take back your life/The fear is what keeps you insane/Break the fucking chains, take away the pain.” If that doesn’t fire you up, what will? P.S. Yes, the band can & does perform this live. I’ve seen it done twice. Bassist Tyler Burgess helps with the vocals, including the rapping, & the synergy between him & Ronnie & the rest of the band is phenomenal. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qMXESlny4-I
  • Artificial by Daughtry: Chilling & heavy, both lyrically & musically, Daughtry leaves no doubt about the potential dangers of Artificial Intelligence with this banger. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zSmySDrz9ko
  • Drive You Out of My Mind by Kassi Ashton: Yes, I do love some country music too. And this right here is one of the most cleverly written country songs I’ve ever heard. The rhyming she uses is brilliant & her slightly husky voice is perfect for the raw emotions of the song. I confess a lot of female country singers sound whiny & almost childish to me- but not Kassi. This is a woman whose voice I could listen to all day. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ipRfLf79WU/s
  • Your Place by Ashley Cooke: Since we’re on the subject of country music, let me go ahead & throw this one out for consideration. While clearly written about a break-up (“you made your bed & I ain’t sleeping in it”), I think the song can apply to anyone who’s tried to stick their nose where it doesn’t belong. Sometimes it simply “ain’t your place!” . https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l21ubH2_Z70
  • Viking by Slaughter to Prevail: Now let’s switch gears entirely to what is undoubtedly the heaviest song on this list. Alex once again proves he is at least part beast with his impressive growls & screams. I can confirm that he does make these same crazy animal-like noises live. There is also a fantastic guitar riff that sounds very reminiscent of Slipknot- but without being an outright copy of course. Basically, I’m here to tell you that you do in fact need some Russian death metal in your life. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9fdqJhNbnSY
  • Spirits & Demons by Michael Ray (with Meghan Patrick): Ok, back to country one more time. I’d never heard of Michael (or Meghan) but I came across this song on satellite radio & fell in love. Once I realized Michael wrote it about his own divorce from fellow country singer Carly Pearce, it became even more powerful. The message of the song is that no matter what society tells you, you won’t find healing in alcohol. “Getting over you drunk is the only thing about us lasting forever, & ever, & ever/Spirits & demons won’t bring no healing/Ain’t no miracle at the bottom of the bottle I’m drinking/It’s just a buzz on a broken heart barely beating.” In a culture that often glorifies alcohol & encourages people to drink their cares away, that’s a powerful & timely message.
  • Flowers by Miley Cyrus: I have a whole blog post about this song. I’ve never followed Miley closely but this song is brilliantly written & performed. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G7KNmW9a75Y
  • Devil You Know by Tim Montana: Here’s another artist I discovered thanks to Octane this year. This song is the perfect blend of rock & country- so naturally I love it. The emotion in Tim’s voice is undeniable here. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NwEaKJrxDEY
  • Dead to Me by Palaye Royale: Anything these brothers touch is gold. I wasn’t expecting any new music from the guys this year since they released a stellar album last year AND their mother is struggling with advanced stage cancer. But out of nowhere they dropped an EP just last week which includes this catchy song that is lyrically one of the most overtly personal songs Remington has ever written. The rage in his voice goes perfectly with the almost rap-like verses & contrasts nicely with the softer chorus. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4t2yMEizfa4
  • Jaded by Spiritbox: This band has massively grown on me this year, especially this song. It is gorgeous, haunting, & super catchy all at once. Courtney is a goddess, end of story. I’m sure her husband (guitarist for the band) agrees. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EjnZVpVvJ-k
  • Bite Your Tongue by Atilla: Atilla Frontman Chris Fronzak has never been known for keeping his mouth shut- which is largely the gist of this song. While I don’t support his career as an Only Fans star, I do admire him as an entrepreneur in general (he has several businesses outside of Atilla & Only Fans). This is a man who is not afraid to work. I recently listened to a podcast where he talked about selling golf balls & mowing lawns in his neighborhood before he was even a teenager! I may not agree with every facet of his life, but I do respect him, & there’s no doubt that this is a fun song. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xAwlewK-Xbo
  • Lost by Bring Me the Horizon: Infectious, upbeat, & beyond catchy, this is a song that is lyrically very dark & yet still somehow manages to be uplifting. I think we’ve all felt lost at some point or other & can relate to the angst here.
  • Dance Song by Austin John Winkler: Damn, it’s good to hear Austin’s voice again (the original singer for Hinder)! Having finally recovered from years of alcoholism that almost killed him (literally), he’s back & better than ever. This is a funky, groovy piece that will leave you wanting to dance & just have fun. I also love the honesty of the lyrics: “I’m not shy about the mess I’m in because we’re kind of all doing the same dance.” So true! In the age of perfectly curated social media accounts, it’s important to be reminded that none of us really has our shit together. We’re all just bumbling our way through this crazy world. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZwTJJ8XRr6M

Now for the covers:

  • Every Time We Touch by Electric Callboy: I’m convinced these Germans can’t possibly make a bad song so it’s no surprise that this cover is brilliant. As usual for this band, the video is hilarious. If you need to smile, check out the bromance between Kevin & Nico to get a laugh. (In case you watch the video & wonder, no they are not actually a couple. Both are heterosexual, married to women, & fathers. But they do have a great bromance.) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AuBXeF5acqE
  • What’s Love Got to Do by Black Stone Cherry: This was released as an homage to the great Tina Turner after her death earlier this year. Covering a song this massive isn’t easy but BSC proved they were up to the task (no surprise with their talent). Chris’s soulful voice is perfect for this! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTi5XSaRLag
  • Lips of an Angel, Part 2 by Shaylen & Austin John Winkler: I’m not sure if this counts as a true cover but I don’t know where else to put it, so I’m putting it here. If you loved the original, like I did, you have to hear this. Austin’s sexy, husky voice is as brilliant as ever & combining it with country singer Shaylen makes for a powerful combination. I also hadn’t realized this but Austin wrote the original song in just one night based on his own real-life experience. He was only 23 at the time. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oU1qcb5steI
  • Closer by Palaye Royale: The original is plenty sexy but Remington’s raspy voice makes it even sexier. I don’t think I need say anything else. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kOjl_L2aXsQ
  • Separate Ways by Daughtry & Lzzy Hale: This is my favorite Journey song, an absolute classic. Daughtry & Lzzy Hale together are a phenomenal combination, so naturally this is a stellar cover. Of note, it was released exactly 40 years to the day of the original song.
  • Last Resort: Reimagined by Falling in Reverse: The stakes were definitely high covering a song as massive as this. Naturally Ronnie nailed it. If he’d done a standard cover that sounded roughly similar to the original- well, that just wouldn’t work. You can’t beat Papa Roach at their own game. So what did Ronnie do? He turned it into a slowed down piano ballad (a la his own reimagined songs) that serves to really highlight the gut-wrenching lyrics of this classic piece. It got the seal of approval by Jacoby Shaddix himself- that, my friends, is how you know you’ve made it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ESOjt2_yJrU

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Stop Glorifying Mental Illness


Yes, I intentionally chose a potentially controversial title for this week’s post. This subject is something that’s been on my mind a lot lately, & there is probably no way to discuss it that won’t be controversial, so I figured why not just dive in whole-heartedly rather than tip toeing around the issue? So, with that out of the way, yes, I’m going to discuss the elephant in the room: the glorification of mental illness.

Now this post would be incomplete- & in fact quite tone deaf- if I didn’t acknowledge that we’ve come a long way when it comes to the subject of mental illness. We’re certainly handling it better than we were a couple hundred years ago when people were burned at the stake or cast out of society for even the smallest of social infractions – which may or may not have been related to mental illness. And even in the past decade we’ve made a lot of progress with the comfort level our society has in discussing mental illness. All of this is without a doubt a good thing.

The cold hard truth is that MOST people will experience some form of mental illness in their lifetime. It may not be debilitating, it may not last very long, it may not even require medical treatment. But due to break-ups, death, & other normal but extremely challenging life events, most people will experience an episode of depression or anxiety at some point in their life. Schizophrenia, bipolar, & other more long-term (& less situational) mental illnesses occur with far less frequency but are by no means uncommon. And it’s 100% a good thing for people to feel more comfortable discussing the subject of mental health. No one should be made to feel guilty, embarrassed, or “othered” for struggling with any kind of mental illness.

(Side note- with the lack of exercise, social isolation, & poor diet that so many Americans experience, it’s really no wonder our mental health is in the toilet.)

HOWEVER- I know, I know, you felt a but coming & here it is- what worries me is that instead of ACTUALLY encouraging people to seek help & work on their mental health, we seem to have gotten stuck in a cycle of glorifying mental illness. Or we act like the only help can be obtained from doctors & therapists. As I’ve discussed many times on this blog over the years, I am a big supporter of therapy & experience significant relief from my own struggles with anxiety & depression with the combination of therapy & Prozac. But that still isn’t the full picture. The truth is that therapy & Prozac are only two of the tools in my toolkit against depression & anxiety. There are a lot of others in there- like exercise (which largely consists of walks around the neighborhood), eating a relatively healthy diet, outdoor time, music, reading, writing, connecting with friends & family, etc. And for some people, these other things may be all that is needed.

The truth- at least what I’ve found to be true in my life– is that the best thing you can do for your mental health is learn to understand your own brain. This is something that therapy can teach you, of course, but I fully understand that not everyone can afford therapy or can find a therapist they really connect with. As much as I love mine, I only see her a few times a year because it’s expensive & frankly I’ve learned a lot of techniques I can use on my own anyway. The point is we need to learn to understand two basic things about ourselves: HOW do we think? And WHY do we think the way we do? For example: does your mind immediately catastrophize every situation? And if so, why? What kind of trauma in your past taught your brain that this was the logical way to think? It’s only when we are able to observe our own thought patterns & discover the reasons behind them (we may never know ALL the reasons of course), that we can begin to have power over our own mind. Once you’re able to answer these two questions, you will find that you don’t have to be a slave to your own mind. You CAN have power over it. Two great resources for this process that I highly recommend are Dr. Nicole LePera & her the.holistic.psychologist account on Instagram & the book What Happened to You? by Dr. Bruce Perry & Oprah.

The other difficult truth that we often don’t like to confront is that sometimes beating mental illness means doing things that are hard or make us uncomfortable. Just about every single person whose story I’ve read or listened to about overcoming depression/anxiety mentions exercise & spending time outdoors as major tools to fighting their demons. Do you think these people always WANT to exercise or get outside? Of course not! Our bodies, which include our minds, love to be lazy. It’s easy to be lazy! And while I absolutely believe we all need rest/recovery days, it worries me that I see so many posts & memes these days encouraging people who are depressed or anxious NOT to get out & exercise & do the hard things that will ultimately make them feel better. It’s almost like it’s become “cool” to be depressed. TRUST ME, I am guilty of this at times. I HAVE SHARED THOSE POSTS. I know that at times I have been part of the problem. While there is absolutely value in knowing that we’re not along in our struggles, I also believe that sometimes we need someone to give us a swift kick in the ass & help us get out of our funk. Sometimes we need to give ourselves that kick! At the end of the day, no one else can do the work for you. You have to be your own savior. Yes, that is daunting but it is also incredibly empowering.

If you want to listen to an excellent discussion on this subject, look no further than this fantastic podcast with my favorite YouTuber Finn McKinty & Caleb Shomo, frontman & musical mastermind of the band Beartooth (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IQgfBBmqsz0). In last week’s post, I discussed Beartooth’s latest album & how it’s all about Caleb finally winning his lifelong battle with depression. That doesn’t mean that depression is 100% in his past & that he’ll never struggle with it again- of course not. For many of us, it’s a DAILY battle. But he has finally found ways to make it less of a battle. If he can do it, I think any of us can. (And yes, exercise has been a HUGE part of his success over the past year or two.) As Finn & Caleb discuss, sometimes it’s easier to stay in a dark place because even if it’s miserable, it’s comfortable- it’s the devil we know. But that’s no way to live. Anyway, Finn & Caleb do an excellent job of discussing the issues with glorifying mental illness in this podcast & I strongly encourage you to give it a listen. They’re probably way more profound that I have been.

Perhaps these lyrics from Riptide (one of my favorites on the album- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zv3t0Fvgvik) sum it up best:

I’m done explaining my pain, this is way too much
I wanna feel euphoria, give me the rush
‘Cause it’s the last time that I romanticize
The riptide that’s trying to drown me
Full of excuses for way too long
Don’t wanna sing another hopeless song
‘Cause it’s the last time that I romanticize
The riptide, it’s a riptide

Don’t wanna die, I guess I gotta let it go
Don’t wanna die, I guess I gotta let it go

Again, this post is in no way intended to make anyone feel guilty or stupid for struggling with any mental illness. None of us gets to choose the brain we’re born with & the thought patterns we are prone to. But the vast majority of us CAN have far more control over our own brains than we tend to think. We just have to learn to understand ourselves. Once we do that, anything & everything else will be possible. It may still be a daily battle- & we may not win it every single day- but it CAN get better.

Side note- one of the best side effects of learning to understand ourselves is that it naturally helps us to better understand others- which leads to us being more compassionate & understanding & thus better able to serve others. But that’s a post for another day.

P.S. Just because you find ways to better manage your anxiety or depression, does NOT mean you have to become one of those annoying toxic positivity people. Absolutely not. Toxic positivity is actually mentally just as unhealthy as anxiety or depression because it doesn’t allow you to experience the full range of emotions that we are SUPPOSED to experience. But again that’s a post for another day.

Now- do I really want to go exercise right now? Absolutely not. But am I going to do it anyway? You better believe it!

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I’m Weird & I Love It


“I’m weird & I love it.” Now sing that to the tune of LMFAO’s Sexy & I Know It which was all the rage back in 2011. It works, right? Right. Ok, onto more serious stuff…

If you know me, you know I love rock music. Well, a week ago today a band called Beartooth released their latest album The Surface. One of the more recent singles off the album is entitled Might Love Myself (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=83rcK9Xne5A) & it perfectly encapsulates the positive self-love anthem of the record. If you know anything about Beartooth, you know this is a MASSIVE change for them. Frontman & primary songwriter Caleb Shomo has been very open about the severe depression he has struggled with from his teens on through his entire adulthood. In fact it has been the primary theme of most of the band’s music. But over the past two years he has finally found his way out of the darkness of self-loathing & learned to love himself. I for one have thoroughly enjoyed watching Caleb’s transformation into a happier, healthier human being- it’s so inspiring! The music on this album is every bit as heavy as before, but there is now a clarity & soul in Caleb’s voice that shines through in an undeniable way- & that alone is enough to make this their best album to date.

Anyway, the reason this is relevant is that today’s post is all about embracing the fact that I am in fact a bit weird- but I LOVE that about myself! Now, I have never struggled with the kind of self-loathing that Caleb has (or that my husband has), but I have definitely struggled with various forms of anxiety, depression, & OCD tendencies for most of my life. I wasn’t always AWARE of it, especially in my younger years, but the older I’ve gotten, the more I’ve realized that my brain really is a bit different than most. For better or worse, I am definitely prone to a melancholy personality- which is not to say that I’m sad all the time. Not at all. It’s more that I’m overly serious & struggle to truly relax (my husband is the same way). Moreover, it’s been a major theme of my life that I frequently find myself feeling like a bit of a loner. Again, not necessarily that I don’t have friends or everyone hates me, just that I often feel like I’m the only person in any given group who doesn’t feel like or agree with everyone else. To put it simply, it’s been a common refrain in my life for people to tell me I’m a little weird or different or not like they expected me to be (for whatever reason).

Now as a child/teen, as you can imagine, hearing this kind of feedback (whether directly or indirectly), wasn’t always encouraging. Sometimes it felt like a punch in the face. After all, there is nothing kids/teens want more than to “fit in,” to be accepted, to NOT stand out too much (at least not in a negative way). But I learned at a very young age that I was never going to be able to be “cool,” that no matter how hard I tried I would always be too nerdy or too smart or too quiet or I wore the wrong clothes or whatever. I would always be just a bit outside of the “cool” realm. Naturally I ended up finding acceptance with the other nerdy types which was more than good enough for me. Now, as an adult, I’ve come to really enjoy when people tell me I’m weird or that my tastes are nerdy or that I’m just not what they expected. Because nowadays such things are usually said in a more positive manner. They’re usually said with an undertone of “Wow, you’re interesting!” rather than “What’s wrong with you?” Even if this kind of feedback occasionally is a bit more negative, as an adult, I just don’t care. While I still sometimes find myself wishing there were more people in the world like me, just so I’d feel less “different” at times, in the end I realize that it’s my uniqueness that makes me who I am. And I LIKE who I am.

As stated previously, I’ve never struggled with true self-loathing, but nowadays I am a lot more positive about myself than I was years ago. And the best side effect of that is that I am SLOWLY learning to be less of a people-pleaser. I have learned that some people cannot BE pleased anyway (because they will always find something to complain about). Moreover, being a confident person who stands up for her beliefs is enough to turn some people off – because they like living in their echo chambers & don’t like anyone contradicting them or encouraging them to think outside their own little boxes. The point is I am finally learning to be ok with sometimes being disliked. I don’t think I will ever completely rid myself of the desire to be liked but I have learned that what my mom said years ago is true: It’s better to be respected than to be liked. Respect is worth a lot more, in the end.

Having said all that, I thought it would be fun to create a list of things that make me weird, unusual, or whatever adjective you want to use to indicate being a bit outside of the norm.

  • Thanks to my OCD tendencies, I never let me email inbox get cluttered. Furthermore, I never leave text messages unread for more than a few hours, & I almost always respond in a timely manner. It feels like I’m leaving something undone if I don’t, & I hate that feeling.
  • I keep any cash I have in order in my wallet- in other words, larger bills at the bottom, smaller bills on top, all facing the same direction. If they’re not like that, it creates a level of anxiety that is disproportionate to the “crime.”
  • I still sleep with stuffed animals. No, my husband doesn’t mind. He wouldn’t be my husband if he minded. Furthermore, I still collect stuffed animals. I even bought a small stuffed Covid virus back during the pandemic. And somewhere or other I still have a stuffed herpes virus & a stuffed neuron (brain cell) I got in college. Not kidding. As someone told me just yesterday “That is some real nerd stuff.”
  • My husband & I don’t wear our wedding rings. We’ve been married for 12 years & he has never worn his regularly, & I haven’t worn mine regularly past maybe the first year. I couldn’t tell you the last time I wore them. It’s been years for sure. This is one that REALLY bothers some people, which I find strange because if it doesn’t bother us (& obviously it doesn’t), why should anyone else care?
  • Again, my husband & I have been married for 12 years but we have never had a joint bank account or credit card. We split the bills, with him paying a bit more than I do since he makes more money than I do, & we pay for our own “miscellaneous” expenses which works out great because neither of us can whine about the other spending money on something we don’t value. Someone once told me this was “un-biblical.” While I know the person meant well, I wish I’d had the presence of mind to respond that banks didn’t really EXIST in biblical times, which made the comment quite irrelevant. (Insert eye roll here.)
  • Despite my predilection for rock/metal, I don’t have any tattoos. I have no problem with tattoos- I quite like them as a general concept- but I have never had any particular desire to have any myself. Neither do I have any piercings aside from basic earrings. Nor do I wear black all the time. In fact, aside from band T shirts that are of course disproportionately black, I rarely wear black at all, unless you count black yoga/athletic pants.
  • I didn’t love the baby stage, especially the newborn stage. I struggled with PPD which of course colored things a lot for me, but even so, I’ve just never been someone who really loves babies. I do not miss my child being younger. I never get sad when I think about her needing me less as she grows up. Quite the opposite- I’m usually cheering. “You want to take a shower by yourself now instead of me helping you with a bath? Fantastic!” Of course I have good memories & fleeting moments of nostalgia, but trust me when I say they’re fleeting.
  • On a similar token, I don’t dread the teenage years. I LIKE older kids & teenagers. You can have so much more interesting conversations with them. They really have their own personalities & likes/dislikes by then. They are – in my opinion anyway- so much more rational. Yes, I know, I am crazy. You won’t find my volunteering much at my daughter’s school nowadays but in a few years, I’ll probably be happy to do anything I can.
  • Aside from a little football here & there, I genuinely don’t watch TV anymore (& never have much), not even Netflix. I just prefer to read. I’ve always got so many books that I want to read that I just can’t find time for television. And I truly don’t feel like I’m missing anything of value to me. Does this mean I’m left out of conversations at work sometimes or that I am oblivious to certain TV/movie references people make in general conversation? Yes. But does it bother me these days? Absolutely not.
  • I actually like cold weather. It’s the heat that I find suffocating, depressing, & soul sucking. But when I feel a chill in the air, my spirit soars.
  • I actually ENJOY going places alone- whether it’s a restaurant, a movie (not that I’ve been to a movie theater in almost a decade, but I did used to enjoy going to matinees alone on occasion), or a concert. Being alone in a crowd doesn’t bother me. I love to people watch. I love my own company. If that makes me weird- well, as far as I can tell, I got the trump card.

I could go on & on, but if you’ve read this far I think you get the point. Some days are still a struggle, some days I still feel like maybe I wasn’t made quite “right,” like there’s something “wrong” with me. But in general I’m in a better place now than ever. Coming back to Might Love Myself by Beartooth- as the song states “I’m exactly who I want to be.”

My challenge to you is to find whatever makes you weird or different & celebrate it. And if you can’t find anything, that’s ok too. Regardless, the more you love yourself- which sometimes requires actively changing your behavior if you find things that need work- the better your life will be & the more you’ll be able to truly love others, even those who are very different from you.

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Dear John (Part 2): Men Can Be Victims Too


A couple of weeks ago I wrote a post entitled Dear John about one of my favorite rock stars who I found out had done something truly terrible. At the time, he & the band had not yet addressed it, so I hadn’t heard his side of the story, but the facts of the case were pretty damning nonetheless. But because I hadn’t heard his side & because he hadn’t publicly addressed it at the time, I didn’t name him or his band. However, now he HAS addressed the issue, as has his band, & thus I now feel like I need to either revise my original post or write a new one, because this “case” has now taken on a whole new light. You’ll also now I understand why I used the title Dear John. Writing a new post seemed easier, so here we go…

The rock star in question is Jonny Hawkins of the band Nothing More. The band is based out of San Antonio, TX, & I’ve been following them for almost a decade. All three of their major label albums have been absolute bangers with incredibly well written & thought-provoking songs. In fact their 2017 album was nominated for several Grammys. Jonny is the main lyricist & he has been very open about the experiences in his life that have shaped the band’s music, everything from his sister’s struggle with mental illness & addiction to his mother’s death from cancer to his divorce. He’s only a few years older than I am & the way he has described his childhood sounds very similar to my own (same for his bandmates actually). The band’s music is full of incredible insights about love, death, the meaning of life, religion (including how it can be weaponized), & the importance of free speech & thought. The band is not so much “sex, drugs, & rock & roll” as “philosophy, wisdom, & rock & roll.” It goes without saying that I love their music. (Duh!)

With that in mind, perhaps you can see why I was so shocked & disappointed to find out that Jonny had tossed his ex-girlfriend out of his truck, while driving drunk, & then proceeded to drive over her body in the road. I wish I were making this up but sadly I’m not. There is public record of these events from December 2021 in Louisiana, & it’s truly amazing in the age of the internet & social media that this incident is only just now coming to light. Naturally, there have been lots of calls to “cancel” Jonny & the band, as perhaps is only fair.

HOWEVER, what’s also come to light is that the relationship Jonny had with this woman was incredibly toxic & abusive- & had been for YEARS prior to the tragic events discussed here. And by most accounts it was SHE who was the abuser! Even many of his ex-girlfriend’s friends have come out in support of him, saying they’ve watched her spiral out of control for years now. Of course, there may be no way of knowing for sure everything that happened that night, but Jonny & many others have stated that his girlfriend was beating him with a beer can while he was driving when he stopped the truck & forced her to get out. Now, obviously he shouldn’t have been driving drunk & he probably shouldn’t have pushed her out as hard as he did, but the fact of the matter is that most reasonable people wouldn’t allow someone to stay in their vehicle who was beating them with a beer can (or anything else). I sure wouldn’t! Supposedly the girlfriend reached under one of the back tires to retrieve something she dropped & that’s when he accidently ran over her arm. It goes without saying that Jonny made some horrific mistakes here, but the fact remains that he was already arrested for this & already served his time in the eyes of the law. Furthermore, he has confessed to these events, admitted his incredible errors that led to this very unfortunate incident, & has sought therapy to ensure he never makes these kinds of grave mistakes again. Reading through the lyrics from the band’s latest album, it is now so apparent the guilt & misery he endured because of this incident- & no doubt he will live with that for the rest of his life.

In fact, it was because of the abuse Jonny endured from this woman over the years- which was both physical & emotional- that he recently chose to finally end things with her for good. He was tired of the constant fighting (& probably the drug use, as many of his friends have referenced), the inappropriate conversations she would have with his own friends & family, & many other issues that had become apparent over their time together. The very day he finally ended things is the day she posted about the incident with the truck, conveniently leaving out a lot of relevant details of course! She has since accused any man who doubts her of having small- uh- anatomy, & various other absurdities, & has generally made herself incredibly difficult to trust. I am by no means saying she deserved what happened to her or that Jonny didn’t make some major mistakes here. But the fact remains that if the genders were reversed, we would be treating this situation entirely differently. People are saying “Why didn’t Jonny leave? Why would he stay with a woman who abused him? Didn’t he know he deserved better?” It’s become politically incorrect to say such things to female victims of domestic violence- as it should be. But when it happens to men, somehow we think it’s ok! We don’t stop to think that saying such things holds other men in abusive relationships further captive to their abusers.

The truth is men can be victims too. Just because they’re physically stronger than women doesn’t mean they can’t be abused, both physically & emotionally. Perhaps they’re actually just as easy to abuse because they know they can’t fight back or they’ll be deemed the aggressor. Men are also far more easily manipulated by sex- sorry, y’all, but it’s true- which can make them tolerate things they would never tolerate otherwise. In this situation, Jonny had also become very close to the woman’s daughter & may not have wanted to leave because of the relationship they’d built together. Furthermore, once the truck incident happened, he had to have known she’d blast it all over the internet the minute he left her. And- shocker- that’s exactly what happened!

My point here is that despite his mistakes, I don’t think Jonny & his band actually deserve to be “canceled.” I’m obviously biased but it seems clear to me that Jonny is full of regret for what he did & is actively working to ensure he never goes down that dark path again. It would be different if this had been shown to be a pattern of violence on his part, but it seems to be quite the opposite. Obviously the events of December 2021 should never have happened. But what good is it going to do to cancel Jonny now? He’s already lived with the consequences for almost two years now. He’s served his time in the eyes of the law, & he’s moved on from the toxic relationship that set those events in motion. Perhaps the best outcome here would be for society to take a step back & acknowledge that it isn’t only women who can be victims of domestic violence- men can be victims too. It’s also a good cautionary tale of the dangers of toxic relationships in general, especially when combined with alcohol. Put all three of those things together & you’ve got a recipe for disaster- which is exactly what happened!

The greater point here is that cancel culture has been dangerous for many reasons- one of which is that we seem to have forgotten about the concept of grace & redemption. Obviously there are people for whom we cannot afford to show much grace because they are too great of a danger to society (pedophiles, serial killers, etc). But I’m not talking about those folks. And, don’t get me wrong, I DO believe people should face consequences for their bad behavior. But Jonny has DONE that, as we’ve already discussed. His music has helped countless people over the years, & I don’t think one night of horrible decisions (in which no one was killed or maimed for life) should determine the rest of his life. If he can admit to his mistakes, show regret for them, & that he’s actively working to ensure he doesn’t repeat them, who are we to say he doesn’t deserve a second chance? Is he really irredeemable? And if so, aren’t most of us? Maybe we haven’t done something “as bad” as he did, but I can guarantee we’ve all made mistakes- & if the worst of them were showcased on social media or the internet, we’d all look like monsters! We are all capable of a lot more evil than we’d like to admit if put in the right- or rather WRONG- circumstances. It’s the sad truth, like it or not.

So Dear John- or rather Jonny,

I forgive you. I am disappointed in some of your actions, but I know you are too. And you have to live with that, which must be an incredibly difficult burden to bear. I’m sorry you were drawn into such a toxic relationship that encouraged the worst in you. I’m sorry you now have to live with so much pain, guilt, & regret. But you’re not irredeemable. You still have so much to offer the world. Please don’t let this crush you. The world still needs your voice. Whenever you’re ready, we’ll still be here, ready to listen.

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