I rarely write blog posts with one gender in mind- that is to say aimed at one gender. But today’s post is intended mostly for my fellow ladies, though of course men are always welcome & encouraged to read as well. I shouldn’t have to say that but I want to be very up front that this is NOT one of those scathing feminist rants about the patriarchy- I promise! I’ve been meaning to write this for a while but since March is women’s history month, now seems like an appropriate time.
Anyway, without further ado, let me jump straight to the point. Ladies, have you ever wondered what your life would be like if you were a man? Have you ever considered the different choices you would have made & moreover what other people around you might have encouraged you to do if you simply had different chromosomes & anatomy? Of course there’s really nothing simple about it, is there? But it feels that way sometimes.
I for one can say with almost certainty that if I were a man, I’d have become a doctor. From elementary school all the way through college, I was routinely told how intelligent I was, by both students & teachers alike. (It’s actually continued all throughout adulthood, to be honest.) Considering I showed an interest in science & the medical field, if I’d been male, I can just about guarantee that people would have encouraged me to go to medical school rather than nursing school. And I’m quite sure I’d have done it! After all, three guys I knew in high school who were in all the same advanced classes I was have gone on to become doctors. I hate to sound like I’m bragging but I know I’m every bit as smart as they are- I imagine they’d admit it too. Yet here I am, “just a nurse.”
In today’s world, about 50% of medical students ARE female so it’s not like I was ever told I couldn’t be a doctor because of my gender. Absolutely not. But I DID feel like being a doctor as a woman would be much harder because it would make having a family much more challenging, especially if I had a husband with a similarly demanding career. Now for much of my life, the truth is I didn’t see myself being a mom but I think on some level I must have known I’d change my mind some day, because I certainly made choices in my life with that in mind.
In the end I chose to do nursing school instead of medical school for several reasons. One- I got a full scholarship to nursing school & who in their right mind would turn that down, especially when you would otherwise have a lot of school loans to pay off for years on end? Two- I figured I could always go back to school to be an NP which is very similar to being a doctor & would be plenty good enough for me. In fact that was my career goal for years. Three- I figured it would be easier to balance a family as a nurse or even an NP than as a doctor. Even though at the time I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be a mom, I knew that if I did take that route I didn’t want to have to hire a nanny because of my career. But I also knew I wouldn’t want to completely give up my career altogether either- & I figured it would be easier to find part time options as a nurse or an NP.
As it turns out I’ve been a nurse for almost thirteen years now & I no longer have any real interest in becoming an NP- for a variety of reasons- but getting into those is not the point of this post. Furthermore, I’m actually very happy being “just a nurse-” & a part time outpatient nurse at that! All things considered I have a pretty “cushy” nursing job these days & I love it. I still help save lives, I still use my brain- which I have always considered my greatest nursing asset- but I don’t have to work 12 hr shifts, nights, or weekends any more, nor do I have to take call. It allows me much greater flexibility as a mom & even just as a human being. It’s really all I could hope for. And yet…
There is a small part of me that sometimes thinks “What if? What if I’d been a man? What if I could just pick any career & not worry too much about how it would affect my family?”- because a man can always find a woman to take care of family things (or at least men assume they can- & they’re usually right). Perhaps part of this endless speculation is caused by something my first ever boss said to me when I was all of seventeen or eighteen years old. He used to tell me very explicitly that I would not be living up to my full potential if I didn’t become a doctor- an MD. An NP wasn’t good enough- he was very explicit about that. Looking back on it, I know he meant well. I know he meant it as a compliment to my intelligence, but those words have haunted me for almost two decades now. I can’t bring myself to be angry at him for saying that, & yet I also find myself thinking quite often that he must have had no clue how healthcare works. Almost every time I have a situation in which I am the person who says “Hold on, this patient needs escalated care” – aka- every time I help save a life- I think of him, & I wonder if he has any idea how many lives I’ve helped save, as “just a nurse.” (I always say help save because EVERYTHING in healthcare is a team effort. Even the best surgeon in the world doesn’t save lives alone- it’s always a group effort.) Moreover, sometimes I have been the person who says “Hold on, this person is ready to die. Let’s acknowledge that & help them transition peacefully.” Honestly, those situations have meant the most to me in my career. Everyone enjoys the “high” of helping to save a life. But allowing someone to pass from this life peacefully is a whole other ball game that even a lot of people in healthcare aren’t comfortable with. But it’s something I’ve always seen as an honor & a privilege. And I know those patients & their families are so grateful for the care I provided & for my willingness to advocate for them outside of the traditional medical model. So yeah, that man- my former boss- he must have had no clue how absolutely crucial it is have intelligent, observant nurses…
I’m rambling, but I guess I just want to know that I’m not the only woman who feels this way- that is to say that she chose a career that she loves & that better serves her family, yet sometimes she can’t help but wonder “What if?” To be frank, most nurses I know never even considered becoming doctors & many have never had any interest in being NPs either. And that’s fine! There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. But it means that I can’t exactly talk to them about this kind of stuff & expect to find someone who can actually relate to what I’m saying. Most women in my family were stay at home moms primarily (or entirely), so I’m not so sure they can relate either. Most things in life I feel like I can talk about equally well with men as with women, but this is one of those things that men may be able to commiserate with but they can’t really RELATE to it. They just can’t- just like there are things men experience that I can’t truly relate to either because I haven’t had those experiences. That’s just life.
Let me be clear- I don’t regret the choices I’ve made, I really don’t. But sometimes it’s hard not to feel like life would have been easier as a man. But maybe that’s just human nature talking- after all, don’t we always think the grass is greener on the other side? Don’t we always crave what we don’t or can’t have? It’s pointless I know- a gigantic waste of time to be truly honest- to speculate about things like this that are so completely outside of our control. And yet, sometimes I just can’t stop my mind from wondering. Anyone else on this same strange speculative ship? (That’s a fancy way of saying is anyone else in the same boat? Ha!)
athicketofmusings 