Have you ever heard an old(er) song & realized you had totally forgotten about it? And furthermore that the song was far more profound than you had previously realized? That happened to me recently with a Miranda Lambert song- Mama’s Broken Heart to be specific. On the surface the song is about a breakup & how the singer isn’t handling it “like a lady.” In other words, she’s actually feeling & showing her emotions instead of just suppressing everything to “save face.” The song was released some 13 years ago (in 2011) & at the time I liked it well enough but never gave it a lot of thought. It didn’t feel like something I could relate to at that point in my life. After all, that was the year I got married- I wasn’t thinking about a breakup!
Well, here I am 13 years later, still happily married, yet the song is suddenly very relatable to me. That may sound counterintuitive but let me explain. The song was written by Kacey Musgraves (along with Brandy Clark & Shane McAnally) who is a fantastic singer/songwriter & has written some of the most incisive country songs of the past 15 years, so really it comes as no surprise that the song is far deeper than I realized on its initial release. You see, it isn’t JUST about a breakup. It uses a breakup as a way to critique a greater societal issue, something that is particularly relevant for women raised in small towns. And what is that issue? It’s exactly what I referenced earlier- actually expressing emotions instead of just suppressing everything in order to save face & remain “lady like.” And beyond that, I see the song as a critique of people who are more concerned with appearances & the opinions of others than with their own emotional wellbeing or that of their own family. Check out the lyrics below (& the song itself: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7yg05svXp98&ab_channel=mirandalambertVEVO)
I cut my bangs with some rusty kitchen scissors
I screamed his name ’til the neighbors called the cops
I numbed the pain at the expense of my liver
Don’t know what I did next, all I know, I couldn’t stop
Word got around to the barflies & the Baptists (I love how this points out that churchgoers can be every bit as gossipy as the “sinners” at the bar)
My mama’s phone started ringin’ off the hook
I can hear her now sayin’ she ain’t gonna have it
Don’t matter how you feel, it only matters how you look
Go & fix your makeup, girl, it’s just a breakup
Run & hide your crazy & start actin’ like a lady
‘Cause I raised you better, gotta keep it together
Even when you fall apart
But this ain’t my mama’s broken heart
I wish I could be just a little less dramatic
Like a Kennedy when Camelot went down in flames
Leave it to me to be holdin’ the matches
When the fire trucks show up & there’s nobody else to blame
Can’t get revenge & keep a spotless reputation
Sometimes revenge is a choice you gotta make
My mama came from a softer generation
Where you get a grip & bite your lip just to save a little face
Go & fix your makeup girl it’s just a break-up
Run & hide your crazy & start actin’ like a lady
‘Cause I raised you better, gotta keep it together
Even when you fall apart
But this ain’t my mama’s broken heart
Powder your nose, paint your toes
Line your lips & keep ’em closed
Cross your legs, dot your I’s
And never let ’em see you cry
Go & fix your makeup, well, it’s just a break-up
Run & hide your crazy & start actin’ like a lady
‘Cause I raised you better, gotta keep it together
Even when you fall apart
But this ain’t my mamma’s broken heart
I suppose the whole song could be summed up in that one line- “Don’t matter how you feel, it only matters how you look.” Now, just to be clear, this post is NOT a castigation of my own mother or any specific person. Rather it’s an attempt to sort out my own feelings about a society that often leaves me baffled & exhausted.
You see, I was raised in a society where appearances were of utmost importance. Tattoos & piercings were frowned upon, even considered downright sinful. Men wore suits & ties to church & women only wore skirts & dresses. Those who dared to wear pants were considered “wild.” One of the formative moments in my life is when the pastor at my family’s church saw fit to include in his sermon a critique of a men’s athletic team who met the US president (it was probably George W. Bush) & committed the grave error of not dressing suitably. Apparently some of them wore sandals or something less than a suit & tie, & thus they were deemed disrespectful. Even at the time (as a teenager) I remember thinking “But the president is just a MAN. Who cares? Isn’t respect better shown through your words & actions than your CLOTHES?” I’ve never forgotten that.
As a child I also remember hearing a story about a distant relative, long since deceased, who refused to open the door to a man who came to her house because he had a beard. He was someone who knew her or her family, not a total stranger. But because he had a beard, he was deemed disrespectful & thus unworthy of entrance to the house. Now my family who told this story agreed this was preposterous but stopped short of calling out the elderly woman for being incredibly rude. (Or maybe they did & I’ve just forgotten that part.)
These are just two examples of things I heard in my formative years that emphasized that appearance was of utmost importance. Yet at the same time I was constantly told that what was on the “inside,” in our hearts, mattered most. It was a message that was confusing at best, maddening at worst.
On a far more serious note, for so much of human history women have been asked- or more often demanded- to silence their own feelings in order to “save face,” as the song puts it. This has meant everything from marrying someone against their will to staying silent about abuse (because God forbid we should ruin some “important” man’s reputation!) to anything & everything in between.
Now the question you may be asking is- why is all of this relevant now? I’ve already told you I’m still happily married, so no, I’m not experiencing a breakup for which I seek to take revenge. At least not a romantic breakup. You see, my latest blog post, which was written & published shortly after Trump was re-elected as US president, was my official breakup announcement with conservative America. As I explained in that post, this really isn’t a new thing- it’s been happening very gradually for my entire adult life. I’ve just finally gotten the guts to be more open about it. As a recovering people pleaser, it’s taken me a very long time to be willing to take on the derision I know may come from being more open about my views.
So, no, I’m not experiencing romantic heartbreak. But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed in our society right now. Now I’m not saying I’d be happier if Harris had won the election. But I at least thought it was going to be close, not the overwhelming victory it was for Trump. I know I shouldn’t take it personally that many folks I love voted for Trump- in some ways I understand why. But I do take it a bit personally because the man is a sleazeball- & that’s putting it nicely! I’m the one who’s going to have to explain to my daughter some time in the next few years that yes, here we are in the 21st century, still electing an old man who is likely a rapist. Or at best has incredibly sexist views on women. Not to mention the person Trump has announced as his AG appointee is a man whose career has been marred by allegations of sexual abuse, including against underage women. Now I realize allegations don’t always equate to facts but this is certainly suspicious, to say the least. This is not a conversation I look forward to having with my daughter.
On the other hand, I’m also disappointed to see how closed-minded some liberals have been about this situation. As easy as it would be for me to say, like many of them have, “Anyone who voted for Trump is a horrible person,” I know that life just doesn’t work that way. As I said in my last post, I know & love people who voted for Trump as well as for Harris & for 3rd party candidates. All of them are lovely people who work hard, take care of their families, & are good citizens in their communities. I refuse to give into this narrative that your voting record reflects everything about you as a person.
Having said that, I’m still disappointed. Maybe our political candidates have always been this terrible & it’s just that the internet & social media have made us much more aware of all of their many faults. Regardless, I just can’t help but ask myself what it says about our country that a bully like Trump has somehow managed to secure the Republican party nomination not once, not twice, but three times & has now been elected president twice. It can’t be anything good, that’s for sure!
So yes, I am a little broken-hearted right now. It’s really not even about the election so much as it’s just about humanity as a whole. I’m just sickened by how heartless so many people can be. No matter what my opinions may be about anything, I just want to be a kind person to everyone. I want to soothe the souls of those who are hurting & bring hope to those who are in need of it. And right now, I am one of those souls- this post is nothing if not an attempt to ameliorate the hurt in my own heart. I for one am NOT going to be quiet about my disappointment & sadness & care only about how I look or how others perceive me. And if you don’t understand why I’m disappointed, you can call me crazy all you want. After all, this ain’t my mama’s broken heart- it’s mine.
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