Dear Conservative America,

I’m breaking up with you. Actually, the truth is I broke up with you a long time ago- I’m just finally making it official. But, you see, this wasn’t an instantaneous process. I guess you could say it wasn’t a “clean break.” It was a very gradual moving away. Sometimes it was one step away, two steps back, one step away, two steps back, & so on, until eventually I realized- I don’t identify with you anymore.

I grew up absolutely immersed in you, such that conservative America was really all I knew. But even as a senior in high school I was starting to see cracks in your foundation. I wrote a poem about disillusionment that year & it was all about you & how I was beginning to realize you weren’t all I thought you were. I was beginning to see that I wasn’t allowed to ask questions, especially as a lowly female, that only certain people were really deemed worthy of your “compassion,” that change was always viewed as a bad thing. Even at 18, I couldn’t tolerate that, but I also wasn’t sure how to identify myself outside of you.

You see, when you’ve been immersed in something since birth, walking away is not an easy thing. My friends & acquaintances that didn’t grow up in conservative, rural America don’t understand why it’s taken me so long to formally denounce you. Many of them think I’m still not liberal enough- & probably will never be. But they don’t know what it’s like to have drunk the juice & figured out it was poison. They don’t know what it’s like to be viewed as heathen or a “stupid snowflake” by almost everyone you grew up with, especially when you still see some of those people.

I guess you may be wondering what the final straw was. Why now? Why am I finally ready to announce my break up with you? In short, the answer is Trump & all the nasty behavior his presidency has inspired. In 2016, I was well & truly disappointed at how quickly so many of my conservative friends & family embraced him. Some were more enthusiastic than others of course. Again & again I said to myself “Now if his party name started with a D, y’all would be tearing him to shreds for all of his many obvious sins.” Eight years later, it’s only gotten worse. No matter how many horrible things Trump says & does, that are so far removed from the Jesus y’all supposedly worship, the support for him only grows stronger. Now unlike most liberals (I guess I’m a moderate, not a true liberal anyway), I still have compassion on y’all. I realize that most folks are voting with their wallets, & while I may not think that Trump is going to be a magic pill that makes the world more affordable for everyone, I can understand why a lot of people see it that way. And as someone who is not living paycheck to paycheck, I’m in no position to judge the choices of those who are.

Having said that, I just can’t keep quiet anymore. I’ve waited too long as it is. I’ve been too afraid of rejection, too afraid of being the proverbial black sheep anymore than I probably already am. But I’ve also had to live with the guilt of being quiet & it’s simply too much to bear. Some will say I was never a true conservative or I wouldn’t have left, I wouldn’t have changed my mind. But that’s not true. I was 100% a dyed in the wool member of conservative America. I was that insufferable teenager who actually read her Bible before school every single morning. Who memorized more scripture than most churchgoers will ever dream of. I’ve read the Bible from cover to cover more times than most people who swear they believe every word of it. (Ok, I may have skipped a few bits of 1st & 2nd Chronicles where it’s mostly just long genealogies, but I promise I have read the vast, vast majority of every single book from Genesis to Revelation, even the very obscure rarely quoted/studied parts.)

The thing is, in reading all of that I realized the people who said they believed every word of it were picking & choosing which parts to believe just as much as anyone who didn’t believe it. Or openly admitted they chose to believe only certain parts. Y’all might say I wasn’t paying attention but I was. And the Religious Right I saw then wasn’t matching up with the Jesus I read about. And that’s become even more true now that that y’all, the Religious Right, have embraced Trump.

So go ahead, say what you want. Tell me I’m a heathen, a sinner, & what’s wrong with America (or the world) today. But as someone who advocates strongly for her patients as a nurse, who donates blood multiples times every year (& has for my entire adult life, except while pregnant & breastfeeding), who donates to charities on a very regular basis, who recycles & composts everything I can, who has examined her own biases & prejudices & opened my heart to people who are very different than I am- respectfully, no, I am not what is wrong with America. I’m just a woman calling out a toxic relationship when I see one.

You see, recently I came across a song called The Straw by Kassi Ashton. I immediately fell in love with the heartbreaking lyrics but initially I felt like I couldn’t relate to them because I am, after all, married to the very first guy I ever dated. So I haven’t suffered the kind of romantic heartbreak that inspired the song. But the more I listened to the lyrics, the more I realized I DO know that kind of heartbreak. I was a true believer in conservative America. So I do know the heartbreak of leaving something you loved but came to realize was toxic. I do know how incredibly hard that is- & yet also how incredibly freeing it is!

At the end of the day I’ll always have a soft spot in my heart for you, conservative, rural America (you are one & the same, of course). Y’all are my people, after all. I can’t turn my back on you. No one else is going to advocate for you. BUT that doesn’t mean I have to condone everything about the culture. It doesn’t mean I get a free pass to turn a blind eye to the problems there.

I’ll end this letter with the song that inspired it. Usually I like to speak for myself but in this case I think Kassi said it better than I could have, perhaps because I am too emotionally invested in this. I’ll also end by saying that I know & love people who voted for Trump, Harris, & third party candidates (I voted for a 3rd party myself, as I have for most every presidential election). I’m not ending relationships over this because I realize many people didn’t feel good about their choice anyway. Plus, if I write people off over this one choice, I’m not providing them with an opportunity to change. After all, I was once on the other side of the fence myself.

Here’s a link to the song. Her voice is phenomenal. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a4xrAeWGV0o&ab_channel=KassiAshtonVEVO

Lastly, I’ll quote what Kassi said about her hometown: “I love being from there… but I love just as much that I learned how to leave.” (https://www.youtube.com/shorts/sVdtanvUcNc)

“Could’ve been the way you stood there
Acting like I needed you to save the day
I don’t need to be saved
Could’ve been you cornered my emotions
Up against the wall when I needed space
You know I needed space (I did, that’s one reason I left)
I would’ve traded all the things you gave me
I didn’t need
I thought I was a stayer
But God, you made a runner out of me (You did- you see I left- even though that wasn’t something I necessarily dreamed of or planned)

My shoulders would hold ya
And the gravity of the blame (Yes, I’ll take the blame, I’ll be the “crazy” one)
Heart broke, no joke
Do we really have to give it a name?
My back aches, my bones break
I was the only one willing to change (Yes, I was the only one willing to change, & I know I’m called wrong for doing so)
Who cares what made it heavy anyway?
The straw

Was it that I spelled it out in black & white
But you could never hear me?
You can only hear yourself (Echo chambers, anyone?)
I know you think I just gave up
But I didn’t give up
I was so damn patient
I tried, I cried (Yes, I have cried, more than you know)
But like a dam to a flood
I could only take so much

My shoulders would hold ya
And the gravity of the blame
Heart broke, no joke
Do we really have to give it a name?
My back aches, my bones break
I was the only one willing to change
Who cares what made it heavy anyway?

The straw
That broke the back of the girl
That loved ya
The straw that broke the back of the girl
That loved ya
The straw that broke the back of the girl
That loved ya
The last damn straw that broke the back
Of the girl that loved ya
Ah

My shoulders would hold ya
And the gravity of the blame
Heart broke, no joke
Do we really have to give it a name?
My back aches, my bones break
I was the only one willing to change
Who cares what made it heavy anyway?
The straw

The straw
Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh
The straw that broke the back of the girl
That loved ya
The last damn straw that broke the back
Of the girl that loved ya
Damn”