Forgiveness

Dear John


I think everyone knows what a “Dear John” letter is. Well, this post will be my version of one. But it’s very different from the usual definition of such a letter. In fact it’s not really that sort of letter at all. And yet, it’s a fitting title just the same…

You see, this Sunday I found a post on social media that totally rocked my world. I found out that one of my favorite singers, whose music has meant so much to me over the years, has been accused of serious violence. No official statements have been released from him, the band, or the record label. It’s all “he said, she said” at this point- actually, it’s all “she said” because, as I said, he hasn’t spoken on it yet. Anyway, the good people of the internet (i.e. Reddit & Instagram- because this hasn’t made the “real” news yet) have managed to find court documents that prove at least some of the allegations. In fact, it seems this man has already served some jail time & done community service because of the events. It’s truly shocking in the age of the internet & social media that this kind of bombshell stayed out of the press for a solid 18 months! (The events happened that long ago but have only come to light now that the relationship ended recently.)

Of course there is a lot of context missing, some of which could change the narrative quite a lot. After all, if this was a mutually abusive relationship- both physically & emotionally- as seems likely, neither party is truly innocent. I promise I am trying so hard not to victim blame, especially since I obviously have a vested interest in finding this man innocent- or at least as innocent as is possible considering the horrific circumstances at play here. I am not going to be naming the singer, the band, or the accuser because if we’ve learned anything from the internet the past few years it’s that anything- I mean absolutely ANYTHING- can be faked or twisted into something very opposite (or at least different) from the truth. As I said, I do not want to be guilty of victim blaming, but I also don’t want to be part of ruining someone’s career or reputation if by chance it’s not actually deserved. Not that I think this post is going to get a lot of traffic- but that’s beside the point.

The real point is that I’ve always prided myself on being a good judge of character. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve predicted that a relationship would end poorly because I instinctually knew that one or both parties were somehow toxic for the other. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve predicted that a certain scenario would play out, only to find out later that that exact thing happened. I’m talking going back as far as my teenage years. I’ve just always been a keen observer of people who notices things that a lot of folks don’t. That being said, there has been a very small number of people in my life who have managed to fool me. And those few people have definitely thrown me for a loop when I’ve found out their true nature. Yet even those folks weren’t completely irredeemable- they really DID have some excellent qualities… It would really hurt me to find out I totally misjudged this man too…

Anyway, writing is my way of working through things. It’s my way of managing my emotions when they seem overwhelming, contradictory, or generally a muddle. And that’s definitely how they are right now, so without further ado…

Dear John,

I’ve followed your work for years now, almost a decade. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve read/listened to your lyrics or your interviews & thought “This man is reading my mind.” I don’t mean that literally of course- I just mean that so often you have said or written exactly what I’ve been thinking- only far more eloquently most of the time! You are one of the few rock stars I follow who I’ve truly thought would be a pleasure to know in real life. And no, it’s not because you’re beautiful. Yes, you have gorgeous hair- you even responded to my comment on Instagram one time telling me what curl cream you use- & yes, you are my weakness- you have dark hair & blue eyes, such a thrilling combination for me… But I can assure you that I am very happily married- to my own dark haired, blue eyed man! So your outer beauty truly isn’t what drew me to you. It’s your MIND that reeled me in. It’s your deep, philosophical, introspective insights into life, death, love, religion, etc. Your music has so often made me feel like I’m not alone- like there are other “crazy” people out there like me who are very hard to categorize, whose opinions can’t always be predicted, whose mind is not easily swayed by the court of public opinion- no matter what the subject is.

None of this is to say that I idolize you- I don’t. I was always taught growing up not to idolize anyone because people will always disappoint you- because we are all by definition flawed & fallible. And I’ve found that to be true. Thus, I don’t idolize people, even talented, (relatively) famous ones like you. Furthermore, it’s always seemed silly to me to idolize anyone I don’t truly KNOW. And obviously I don’t actually know you. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t admire you- & still do in many ways. After all, like you, I still believe in innocent until proven guilty. Of course it seems like in this case you HAVE been proven guilty of at least some things that are less than flattering. But I keep coming back to something else I was taught growing up. I suspect you were taught the same because the way you’ve described your background sounds an awful lot like mine- yet another reason I’ve been drawn to your music. Anyway, I was taught that there is no sin that can’t be forgiven. That no one is irredeemable. Well, in the age of cancel culture- which you’ve definitely spoken about yourself (thank you for doing so, by the way)- that idea seems to have been lost.

Now a lot of people say it’s not really cancel culture- it’s consequence culture. And to a certain extent I think that’s true. But it seems like people instantly want to paint you as the bad guy here- & I’m in no way justifying your actions- but I can’t help but think that none of us has ANY idea how we would react if put in the position you were put in. Sadly, none of us is as evolved as we think we are– as your songs have touched on. If this relationship was truly as toxic & mutually abusive as some have described, I can’t help but feel like you were a victim too. It doesn’t mean your actions were right- but reading the lyrics from your latest album, it’s obvious to me that you KNOW that, that you have dealt with a tremendous amount of guilt & regret over this situation. And I can only imagine how hard it must be to be unable to talk about it because you know that the minute you do, you’ll be crucified- because you’re the man & you’re “supposed to know/do better.”

In the age of equal rights for both genders, it still seems that many women don’t want to take any responsibility for their own toxic behavior. Or at least they think that anything they do while drunk is excusable & they shouldn’t be held responsible for it, while the opposite is true for men. And that kind of logic just doesn’t add up to me, even as a woman myself. My point of all this is that it seems to me you HAVE paid for your actions, at least somewhat. You HAVE faced the consequences. If it comes out that this was a mutually abusive relationship-call me biased because I’m sure I am, but I really do think that’s the most logical reality here- then it seems to me that you’ve already paid the price. It’s so easy to read this story & paint you as 100% the villain & her as 100% the victim, but I just can’t bring myself to believe that. Maybe I’m too invested in your work. Maybe I’ve seen too much of myself in you & I don’t want to believe I’d ever be capable of such violence- therefore I don’t want to believe it of you either.

Regardless, the point is I’m angry. I’m confused. I’m disappointed & frankly disillusioned. I thought you were one of the good guys- one of the free-thinkers, one of the “nice” rockstars who didn’t overindulge in alcohol or drugs. Who seemed to be an incredible (informal) step-father. You’ve spoken out about mental illness & your mother’s death. In doing so, you’ve helped so many people, including me, through your music. How could you have done this? I just can’t wrap my mind around you being the complete psychopath she says you are. And that I know the media is going to want you paint you as the minute they pick up on this.

But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe you’ve really fooled me too. I’ve read a lot about domestic violence over the years, partly because of my career, & it’s entirely possible that you’re exactly as evil as the circumstances initially make you seem to be. The fact is I just don’t know. I do think this is a lot more complicated than the social media judges think it is. They’ll lump me in with you the minute I say I’m not immediately burning all your CDs & merch. But it’s just not that simple. Or at least I don’t want it to be. Ultimately, what I do know is that this SUCKS because I love your music & I’m not sure I can give it up, even if you turn out to be the monster she says you are. And what does that say about me?

I guess my point is that I think we need more information & more context before burning you at the stake- though there are many who are eager to do so already. Frankly I think we need more compassion & understanding for all sides. More than anything I still want to think that you’re redeemable, that you’re not a one-sided monster with nothing positive to offer the world. If nothing else, I think there are a lot of lessons to be learned from this situation & I’m not sure that canceling you forever is the way to accomplish that. The world loves to watch people go down in flames- it makes us feel better about our own lives & mistakes. But I don’t think that’s the right approach here.

I’ve written all this to say- I’m not writing you off yet. I’m not “breaking up” with your music. It means too much to me. But please, speak up & tell us what happened. Own up to your mistakes, if for no other reason so that we can all learn from them. That way at least something positive can come out of such a negative situation. The truth is none of us is perfect. We’ve all done things we’re ashamed of, things that if they were published online could make us look like monsters. Please let this be an extremely out of character mistake, something you’ll regret forever (& not just because it will inevitably hurt your career), not a pattern of continual behavior. Please… I’m disillusioned enough with the world as it is. I don’t need anymore.

Signed,

A very confused, disappointed fan

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The Hardest Person to Forgive


Today’s blog post explores an idea that is certainly not original by any stretch of the imagination but it’s something I believe is very much worth exploring nonetheless.  Regardless of what, if any, religious affiliation you associate with (or associated with in the past), we hear a lot of talk about the importance of forgiving others & not holding grudges or allowing ourselves to become bitter toward those who have hurt us.  These ideas are of course very important because we cannot have peace in our own minds when we are not at peace with others, at least as much as is possible.  As hard as it can be to forgive others, when given some thought I believe most people would agree that oftentimes the hardest person in life to forgive is yourself.  Today I would like to explore why that might be and why it’s so important to learn to forgive ourselves no matter how difficult it can be at times.

forgiveness

If you have ever taken any kind of basic psychology course you probably discussed the well-recognized phenomenon in which victims of child, physical, or other types of abuse very often blame themselves for the abuse which they have suffered.  At first glance this may seem extraordinary & impossible to believe.  But delve a little deeper & one can reason that perhaps it is easier to believe that you made a mistake or somehow provoked the abuser to hurt you than to believe that someone, particularly a family member, romantic partner, or friend (indeed someone who should have been protecting you, not hurting you) actually CHOSE to hurt you & is thus truly a very screwed up individual.  Rape victims often are also perfect examples of this phenomenon.  Indeed society does a great deal of blaming the victim as well because frankly it is easier to believe that a woman (or man) provoked such a horrible thing to happen than to believe that there are such evil, disgusting people in this world.  This of course only serves to perpetuate the cycle of victims blaming themselves & being unable to forgive themselves for something which in reality is not even their fault.

However, we certainly don’t have to be abuse or rape victims (actually, I don’t like that term; let’s say survivors) to struggle with self-forgiveness.  How many times a day do most of us berate ourselves for not eating healthily enough, weighing too much, not saving enough money, or countless other things?  I’m not saying these aren’t worthy goals, they surely are, but sometimes I think in our haste to berate ourselves for our poor decisions we actually hinder our own progress.  Sometimes in our quest for perfection we miss the beauty of life that is right before our very eyes.  Indeed, we focus so much on our mistakes that we have no energy left over for actual self-improvement.

One of the greatest lessons I think we all have to learn in life is that there are going to be days when we just don’t like ourselves because we simply aren’t as “perfect” we want to be.  For example, as a nurse I know I have had to come to terms with the fact that I am not going to feel 100% compassion for every patient every time.  Naturally I want to, but sometimes it just doesn’t happen because I am just as human as everyone else.  And I have had to learn to forgive myself for this & to know that as long as it doesn’t prevent me from providing excellent care it’s ok.  Learning to forgive myself for not being the perfect “angel of compassion” at all times actually helps me to more quickly recognize my own prejudices & then set them aside & provide the best care possible at all times.  For example, when I have a particularly trying patient who is rude & dissatisfied with her care no matter how many times I bend over backwards to try to meet her needs, I have to remind myself that it’s ok to be annoyed with her.  It’s ok to mentally roll my eyes at these things.  I just have to possess the self-control to not allow these feelings to come across to the patient & to not allow those feelings to so overwhelm me that I become bitter & angry toward that patient or anyone else.  I have to see beyond the annoying behaviors to the hurting person inside.  Having come to these realizations has actually helped me to have greater satisfaction in my nursing career &, though I have no scientific way of validating it, I truly believe it has made me overall a more effective nurse.

I believe this idea is also very important for parents.  Though I am not a parent yet I hope to be one someday, & I know when that day comes there will be times when I look at my children & wonder “What the hell was I thinking?!”  And I will have to learn to forgive myself for those thoughts, to remember that every parent feels that way at times.  AND IT’S OK.  Similarly, in marriage or any serious relationship there are times when you look at your partner & wonder what you are doing with this person.  AND THAT’S OK TOO.  Being frustrated or upset with your partner or your child doesn’t make you a bad person.  It just makes you a PERSON.  The important thing is to be able to recognize these thoughts when they occur, handle them as objectively as possible (by that I mean not beating yourself up over them, just recognizing them for what they are: a sign of your own beautiful humanity), & moving on in the knowledge that as long as these thoughts don’t become the overall theme of your life, they’re not a big deal.

Another situation in which I believe we struggle with self-forgiveness is with regret.  I feel fortunate to say I truly do not have a lot of regrets in my life, but I do struggle with forgiving myself for those few I do have.  However, what I am slowly learning is that self-forgiveness is an absolutely vital step in preventing myself from repeating the same old mistakes.

I guess my point with this post is that I truly believe that we cannot move forward in life without self-forgiveness.  As long as we wallow in guilt & self-hate we are stuck in a self-perpetuating negative cycle.  Life would be a lot easier if we could just magically forgive ourselves (& others), but that’s just not the way life works.  As with almost everything in life, self-forgiveness is a process.  It’s an everyday event that requires conscious awareness & effort.  I hope that as you’re reading this you don’t think I’m making excuses for bad behavior or encouraging you to not feel guilty for things that you know in your heart are wrong.  Of course not.  What I am saying is that we cannot truly improve ourselves without self-forgiveness.  We hear so much in society about the importance of showing compassion to others & there’s no doubt that this is indeed most vital.  But just as vital is showing compassion to yourself.  There’s a fine line for sure between being compassionate toward yourself & making excuses for yourself.  But the line is there & it’s our job as human beings to stay on the former side of it.

To be perfectly honest this post feels quite like word vomit to me at this point.  There’s so much I want to say & the words just aren’t coming to me tonight.  Though I have fumbled through the words, I hope the passion I feel for this matter has somehow come through & that at least one person who reads this will be encouraged to begin the process of self-forgiveness & moving toward a brighter tomorrow.

I’d love to hear what you think on this matter.  Am I speaking to the wind or does any of this make sense?

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