A couple of weeks ago I wrote a post entitled Dear John about one of my favorite rock stars who I found out had done something truly terrible. At the time, he & the band had not yet addressed it, so I hadn’t heard his side of the story, but the facts of the case were pretty damning nonetheless. But because I hadn’t heard his side & because he hadn’t publicly addressed it at the time, I didn’t name him or his band. However, now he HAS addressed the issue, as has his band, & thus I now feel like I need to either revise my original post or write a new one, because this “case” has now taken on a whole new light. You’ll also now I understand why I used the title Dear John. Writing a new post seemed easier, so here we go…

The rock star in question is Jonny Hawkins of the band Nothing More. The band is based out of San Antonio, TX, & I’ve been following them for almost a decade. All three of their major label albums have been absolute bangers with incredibly well written & thought-provoking songs. In fact their 2017 album was nominated for several Grammys. Jonny is the main lyricist & he has been very open about the experiences in his life that have shaped the band’s music, everything from his sister’s struggle with mental illness & addiction to his mother’s death from cancer to his divorce. He’s only a few years older than I am & the way he has described his childhood sounds very similar to my own (same for his bandmates actually). The band’s music is full of incredible insights about love, death, the meaning of life, religion (including how it can be weaponized), & the importance of free speech & thought. The band is not so much “sex, drugs, & rock & roll” as “philosophy, wisdom, & rock & roll.” It goes without saying that I love their music. (Duh!)

With that in mind, perhaps you can see why I was so shocked & disappointed to find out that Jonny had tossed his ex-girlfriend out of his truck, while driving drunk, & then proceeded to drive over her body in the road. I wish I were making this up but sadly I’m not. There is public record of these events from December 2021 in Louisiana, & it’s truly amazing in the age of the internet & social media that this incident is only just now coming to light. Naturally, there have been lots of calls to “cancel” Jonny & the band, as perhaps is only fair.

HOWEVER, what’s also come to light is that the relationship Jonny had with this woman was incredibly toxic & abusive- & had been for YEARS prior to the tragic events discussed here. And by most accounts it was SHE who was the abuser! Even many of his ex-girlfriend’s friends have come out in support of him, saying they’ve watched her spiral out of control for years now. Of course, there may be no way of knowing for sure everything that happened that night, but Jonny & many others have stated that his girlfriend was beating him with a beer can while he was driving when he stopped the truck & forced her to get out. Now, obviously he shouldn’t have been driving drunk & he probably shouldn’t have pushed her out as hard as he did, but the fact of the matter is that most reasonable people wouldn’t allow someone to stay in their vehicle who was beating them with a beer can (or anything else). I sure wouldn’t! Supposedly the girlfriend reached under one of the back tires to retrieve something she dropped & that’s when he accidently ran over her arm. It goes without saying that Jonny made some horrific mistakes here, but the fact remains that he was already arrested for this & already served his time in the eyes of the law. Furthermore, he has confessed to these events, admitted his incredible errors that led to this very unfortunate incident, & has sought therapy to ensure he never makes these kinds of grave mistakes again. Reading through the lyrics from the band’s latest album, it is now so apparent the guilt & misery he endured because of this incident- & no doubt he will live with that for the rest of his life.

In fact, it was because of the abuse Jonny endured from this woman over the years- which was both physical & emotional- that he recently chose to finally end things with her for good. He was tired of the constant fighting (& probably the drug use, as many of his friends have referenced), the inappropriate conversations she would have with his own friends & family, & many other issues that had become apparent over their time together. The very day he finally ended things is the day she posted about the incident with the truck, conveniently leaving out a lot of relevant details of course! She has since accused any man who doubts her of having small- uh- anatomy, & various other absurdities, & has generally made herself incredibly difficult to trust. I am by no means saying she deserved what happened to her or that Jonny didn’t make some major mistakes here. But the fact remains that if the genders were reversed, we would be treating this situation entirely differently. People are saying “Why didn’t Jonny leave? Why would he stay with a woman who abused him? Didn’t he know he deserved better?” It’s become politically incorrect to say such things to female victims of domestic violence- as it should be. But when it happens to men, somehow we think it’s ok! We don’t stop to think that saying such things holds other men in abusive relationships further captive to their abusers.

The truth is men can be victims too. Just because they’re physically stronger than women doesn’t mean they can’t be abused, both physically & emotionally. Perhaps they’re actually just as easy to abuse because they know they can’t fight back or they’ll be deemed the aggressor. Men are also far more easily manipulated by sex- sorry, y’all, but it’s true- which can make them tolerate things they would never tolerate otherwise. In this situation, Jonny had also become very close to the woman’s daughter & may not have wanted to leave because of the relationship they’d built together. Furthermore, once the truck incident happened, he had to have known she’d blast it all over the internet the minute he left her. And- shocker- that’s exactly what happened!

My point here is that despite his mistakes, I don’t think Jonny & his band actually deserve to be “canceled.” I’m obviously biased but it seems clear to me that Jonny is full of regret for what he did & is actively working to ensure he never goes down that dark path again. It would be different if this had been shown to be a pattern of violence on his part, but it seems to be quite the opposite. Obviously the events of December 2021 should never have happened. But what good is it going to do to cancel Jonny now? He’s already lived with the consequences for almost two years now. He’s served his time in the eyes of the law, & he’s moved on from the toxic relationship that set those events in motion. Perhaps the best outcome here would be for society to take a step back & acknowledge that it isn’t only women who can be victims of domestic violence- men can be victims too. It’s also a good cautionary tale of the dangers of toxic relationships in general, especially when combined with alcohol. Put all three of those things together & you’ve got a recipe for disaster- which is exactly what happened!

The greater point here is that cancel culture has been dangerous for many reasons- one of which is that we seem to have forgotten about the concept of grace & redemption. Obviously there are people for whom we cannot afford to show much grace because they are too great of a danger to society (pedophiles, serial killers, etc). But I’m not talking about those folks. And, don’t get me wrong, I DO believe people should face consequences for their bad behavior. But Jonny has DONE that, as we’ve already discussed. His music has helped countless people over the years, & I don’t think one night of horrible decisions (in which no one was killed or maimed for life) should determine the rest of his life. If he can admit to his mistakes, show regret for them, & that he’s actively working to ensure he doesn’t repeat them, who are we to say he doesn’t deserve a second chance? Is he really irredeemable? And if so, aren’t most of us? Maybe we haven’t done something “as bad” as he did, but I can guarantee we’ve all made mistakes- & if the worst of them were showcased on social media or the internet, we’d all look like monsters! We are all capable of a lot more evil than we’d like to admit if put in the right- or rather WRONG- circumstances. It’s the sad truth, like it or not.

So Dear John- or rather Jonny,

I forgive you. I am disappointed in some of your actions, but I know you are too. And you have to live with that, which must be an incredibly difficult burden to bear. I’m sorry you were drawn into such a toxic relationship that encouraged the worst in you. I’m sorry you now have to live with so much pain, guilt, & regret. But you’re not irredeemable. You still have so much to offer the world. Please don’t let this crush you. The world still needs your voice. Whenever you’re ready, we’ll still be here, ready to listen.